Words cannot express on how I feel today. It's effin Friday!! Who doesn't look forward to this day? If you don't what planet do you live on? 

It's strange how nothing truly matters on a Friday. M-Th I can get easily annoyed. You will not catch me in a bad mood on this divine day, especially if its payday!! Sincerely, I thought I would be sad today given that I sold my FiRST EVER CAR yesterday. (Paid out of my own expense.) I'm actually pretty thrilled that we sold it this fast. Now I don't have to feel as stress about mula for our make a baby procedure. 

It would be a lie to say that I wont miss it sometimes but the outcome overcomes those feelings. I think I will take out J to a nice dinner this weekend. Yes, I will invite the Hubs or heck I will even buy him a drink to say thank you for getting it done in a timely fashion. I was so fearful that we wouldn't have the money before we started IVF that I was taking on unneeded stress. Now all I have to do is enjoy my weekend. Happy Friday everyone!!! 

I've attempted to stay optimistic time and time again. I just don't know if I can hold on to that hope any longer. The days, months, and years are passing by with no sign of a miracle baby. I've grown tired of people asking what I would name my future daughter/son. I'm surprised I haven't blurted out "you mean the child I probably will never have?" 

Could it be the side effects of Prometrium that has me depress lately? The bloatedness hasn't subsided. Sure it comes and goes but when it decides to stick around I curse for it to go away. It's gotten so bad that I cant sleep at night. The cramping also lingers around making me think AF is on her merry little way. I'm 8dpo with no boob pain whatsoever. Weird thing is that my temps did not rise until I started taking the P. Yesterday, a couple hours after inserting the P, I notice light reddish/pinkish spotting on my panty liner. Once I wiped there was absolutely nothing!! I know my tears won't do anything so there's no point in crying now until I see that BFN.  

At this point I have to breath and come to terms that I will definitely be embarking on a new journey. I'm scared to death that I won't respond well. That IVF won't work and I will be left with a pool of pain. I need to fill the hole in my heart that is aching. 

On a good note: I have done an awesome job avoiding caffeine and alcohol. 

Yesterday was not what I expected it to be. My last two IUIs have felt like a procedural experience. As if I was given a number to wait my turn.I guess I got so use to this process that I didnt imagine how different the experience could be. Like always Nurse Christine did a spontaneous job. Her work ethic amazes me sometimes.

Before anything was started she went over somethings with me and double checked that J's buddies were the ones she had. She began the insemination having a wee bit difficulty getting the catheter through (since i have such a stubborn cervix). Once she got the catheter in she inserted that lovely stick to do a transvaginal u/s. She wanted to make sure everything still looked beautiful (as she puts it) before releasing the little swimmers. Lining looked great. I still had not ovulated but they appeared ready to collapse. When she released J's swimmers you just saw a bunch of white lines. It was quite an experience. During the u/s she didnt measure anything it was just a way for her to ensure that everything looked great and she was making the deposit at the right place.

After the procedure I got extremely bloated. It was an unbearable feeling. I kid you not when I say it was such a sudden, who am I kidding it wasnt sudden, painful weird feeling when I ovulated. Sure I have felt this before but not as severe. I literately started walking as if I had an accident in my chonis. I went home straight to bed until the pain subsided. At this point all I can do is relax and pray to God to allow this miracle to happen. Everything looked picture perfect on my side but J provided his lowest sample yet. Never did I imagine that the tables would turn. Sure I still have complications on my side but now its a combination of both. I've seen J frustrated, stress, delighted, angry, etc. BUT its rare when I see him sad. If this IUI doesnt take he has a lot to think about. Maybe sacrifice alcohol & cigarettes for the sake of having a child?

Let the dreaded 2WW begin!

After what felt like an eternity, i finally had my follie check u/s today. Nurse Christine was delighted with what she saw. I in the other had left trying to maintain an optimistic perspective. The drive from the clinic to work is less than 15 minutes, so my mind was on overdrive with a bunch of what ifs. My intuition kicked in since my CD3 u/s, something told me that my left side wanted to get some attention this medicated cycle. Wish granted! You got my effin attention. The u/s revealed 4 potential follies, which are as follows:

Left Ovary: 16mm & 13mm

Right Ovary 15mm & 12mm

Lining: 7 mm

I could be mixing the 13 & 12mm since my mind went in a haze. After Nurse Christine was done with the u/s I sat there silently as she explained what she saw and if I had to come back for another u/s or not. She checked with Dr B and they decided it was not needed since in their eyes my response was beautiful. I expressed my worries to the nurse in regards to the stubborn side becoming the dominant side. She assured me a million times that I will be fine. She expressed her satisfaction with my response and said how excited she was for how I responded. (DEEP BREATH) So I decided to just go with it, be worry free trusting their intuition. Besides I am already going into this with the mentality of doing IVF next cycle so whats the big deal,eh? No more u/s they are confident the follies will be mature by my IUI date. In reality I did respond better to letrozole than clomid. On both cycles of clomid my CD 12 u/s showed follies of 13mm or smaller. I am currently on CD 11 with two follies bigger than 13mm. The IUI is scheduled for Monday @ 9:30am, meaning I would have to take the Ovidrel on Saturday @ 9:30pm. J is on a no alcohol lock down this weekend so he can provide his sample on Monday. All I can do now is just hope for the best and let things develop as they should. Come on ovary don't fail me now!

Today marks the last day of letrozole. I must point out that the side effects are minimal to none. LOVE! Minor headaches that lasted about an hour or less. Nothing I cannot bare. Emotion wise, I am all over the place. Some days i can be in a state of tranquility then in a blink of an eye my emotions seem like a jagged edge. You know those lines that have their high and low points? The ones that look like they are clueless as to what direction they should take off in. Yup. That will be me at this point in time.

One thing I can be 100% sure of is how content I am that I got my iMac back. Long story short...no internet = no need for computer. WALA! Internet. Me to my cousin, "So...funny thing. I just got internet...I am going to need my precious well missed compu back into my life." The experience is priceless when you are stuck looking at that petite screen on your phone for almost 3 years. Yes, I said years. Apparently, we weren't in a cool enough area to have internet until now. With these new changes J impulsively felt he needed to go off and buy a desk plus take over our spare room. In my world spare room equals future nursery. A part of me felt like this was it...this is a sign that I am holding on to an unrealistic dream. J's perspective we have an additional room that can easily be converted into a nursery when the time comes. Who cares that that room is currently used as a guest room with a queen size bed. Overreacting much? Bleh! I have to admit there was a great outcome out of this major change. Besides computer love. jk! J finally has a private place to draw his heart away. I sure have missed his artistic side.


Hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

The perfect word of what I am searching for this cycle. Things haven't been picture perfect in our TTC world. Maybe they never will but I want to continue to have hope that everything happens for a reason.

AND if I do embark in thee IVF world I will embrace it. Learn from it and appreciate it if it means I get to hold my baby in my arms.

Until then I will patiently wait for Thursday to see if my fabulous bod decided to do something different/ splendid. For now I will continue to sip on my blueberry/spinach smoothie.

My follow up appointment was yesterday. Or should I say the "lets get this shit rolling" appointment? It seriously has felt like I have waiting MONTHS to get this going again. Probably has to do with my cycles being bonkers doing what it wants when it wants. REBEL! So I walked in to Dr. B's office and sat in a comfy couch after she greeted me. She proceeded to go over BW results, which all of them came back normal except my cholesterol. I knew my cholesterol was over the normal range but not excessively but of course she would want me to lower it. Another family heredity. Its been two years people and I just cant get it below the normal range! Its not my fault...I love food way to much. She also pulled up the results for the saline test. I braced myself for this one. Dr. B's face showed tranquility so I relaxed a bit. She began with telling me my uterus looks normal but it is tilted to the right. As the HSG determined my left tube is indeed blocked. In a way I was expecting to hear those result. Even though deep down inside I wanted a miracle to happen. I wanted her to say that the HSG was a fluke and the left tuby is wide open. She reiterated that having one tube didnt decrease my chances of conceiving we just need to monitor closely to ensure the correct side will be ovulating.

After the discussion on my results ended we moved foward with creating a plan. She showed me a chart of our possibilites on conceiving naturally vs IUI vs IVF. Our chances naturally are basicall 1-2% given that we have been trying for over 2 years. IUI was a measly 8%. IVF 60%. Pointed out that many couples prefer to go with the less aggressive treatment because they dont feel like they are physically or mentally ready for it. Others view it as, Why do something that is only going to give me a 10% chance or less? I couldnt disagree with her statement. I have frequently questioned myself what I am waiting for. The answer to that is...NEEDLES! I detest them but my longing for a child is greater than my fear for those poky things. I have actually discussed it with J in regards to jumping on board with IVF. I feel 100% comfortable with this clinic, besides the whole insurance issue, that going this route seems logical now. J wants us to wait a bit before embarking on this new treatment. Of course if this is what I want then he is right their to hold my hand. I honestly believe he fears for my life. He has expressed more than once that all this medication isnt good for me. His fear of something going wrong or not working holds him back. That was my mentality as well, at some point of time. After everything I have found out I gained a different perspective. If this is the road God is leading me to then in the end I will be a stronger person. Hopefully.

I expressed my thoughts to Dr. B about IVF letting her know we have discussed it and are willing to give it a try sooner rather than later. Unfortunately, at the moment we have vacation intervening with that process. Do to us being out of town for almost two weeks we decided to with another IUI cycle. Besides Dr B say they recommend 3 IUIs before moving on to IVF. This protocal is going to be slightly different. I will be going in for my baseline u/s between CD 1-3, taking letrozole (femara) CD 5-9, going in for a follicle check on CD11, once ready I will be triggering, IUI, and last progesterone until my BETA test. Not entirely different just some minor changes. I've never taken progesterone or letrozole (Femara). Hoping that my body strongly reacts to Femara.

Another issue arose during our conversation. Dr. B said she went over all my test done by Dr M as well as J's semen analysis. Everything look great on my side but J's concetration levels have been on the low side. She said that although his overall results are good that can prevent the sperm from getting where they need to be. BOO! Im glad she pointed this out because J needed a wake up call. She asked him to stop smoking not just for his own sake but for mine. At first he seemed all for it but that didnt last long. After I delivered the news to him and gave him his protocal on taking Vitamin C, E, L-Carnitine, & L-Arginine he was speechless. I will be stopping by and picking these babies up so he can start taking them. Like always he is content to do what it takes.

Now we just wait for good ol AF to come knocking on my door. I have no idea when O actually occured since I stop BBT right around those dates. Anywhere between CD21-24 which is a bit later than usual if I O on CD24.

Enough on the TTC stuff. I am all about change so I made a major change to my appearance. YES, I chopped it all off! My hair of course. My hair became unbareable and extremely damaged.

Before 

After

So far I don't regret it. 

Can get a bit complicated.
Should you go out have fun and worry less that the deed is probably not going to get done.
Just like I suspected...I wasn't out of my funk to have that excitement for J's bday. On friday he called me to get ready because he wanted to go out. After much debate of getting out of it I finally managed to get out of bed. I wanted to do this for him. I wanted to show him I am still here, sowhere deep down inside. Once we left our home to meet with everyone a part of me felt like it was struggling to keep up with the fake smile. Maybe 10 minutes past when I told J I was going home. I couldnt do this, he deserved more than anything to enjoy his weekend and not have to deal with an emotional wreck.

He wasnt please that those words came out of my mouth. He couldn't understand why I was doing this to him. Frankly, I couldn't either. That little argument made me feel like I was the worst wife in the world. It was his bday weekend and all I could think of is "Great I am ovulating and theres no baby dance involved." Selfish, much? Luckily, people walked out and interrupted our not so "private" conversation. I told him I would make the effort and so I did. During the night he noticed I was truly trying. Of course he said he appreciated it. In reality the reason I could not bring myself to enjoy the event was for one reason only. Unappreciative mothers. I can't seem to wrap my mind around these women who don't appreciate what they have.

Once the sun was up J and I spoke about how I was feeling. He basically told me I need to stop worrying so much about how other people raise or don't raise their kids. If they want to appreciate them or not its not our business. Sure sometimes its hard to watch parents consume themselves in drugs, alcohol, etc. but ultimately there's nothing we can do. If we choose to speak up they take it as an offense and say things like "you have no right on telling me how to raise my kid(s) when ur not a parent." Do these people actually see their kids as just a paycheck at the end of the year?

Surprisingly after our convo I felt like celebrating. Seeing J have a good time made me feel elated. BUT seeing him open his presents was quite priceless. He reminded me of a little kid getting new toys. The weekend before his bday we went walking around the mall. Sneaky as he is I knew this was his plan to show me what he wanted. I bought him Oakley shades and a couple of t-shirts. J doesn't make the effort to buy new clothing unless I buy them or I push him to buy some while were shopping. I dont know if its a guy thing or he just doesnt like shopping.

I was hesitating on writing this post because I truly felt as if I was a horrible wife. I still think I was being extremely selfish. He has reassured me a million times that if we dont get our miracle baby he will always love me. A part of me feels like once he is older and everyone around him has kids he would develop resentment towards me. Its probably my mind playing tricks on me but just the thought scares me.

On Monday I was sitting in my living room watching TV when I got a text from my cousin. He sent me the following link

. I found it quite interesting. Sure there's a lot of apps that help you pin point ovulation but what I found amazing was the fact that they actually work with fertility clinics to send the info you have inputted. If pregnancy is not achieved within 10 months then they split the money they have earned/saved between couples to go get checked out or start treatment. This man has donated 1 million to start the saving funds. What I found amazing by it is that he has never experienced infertility but his co-workers have so they wanted to create something that will show insurance companies that this in fact is a medical problem. Maybe this will open new doors on covering infertility. Definitely a great start.