Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples. Someone you know is probably suffering from infertility and you might not even know it. Infertility can affect people differently emotionally. Some are afraid or even embarrassed to talk about it. Not here! I can be an open book with anyone if they are curious to know our story. J on the other hand is conservative when it comes to our situation. He isn't embarrassed to speak about it, he just chooses to be discrete.

When we officially attempted to start trying we, like any couple, announced that we were ready to expand our family. Worst mistake ever! Why is that? People became aware that months and years past by and still no baby. Undesired advice came our way that sooner or later I just smiled and pretended to appreciate their advice. THEN...that undesired advice turned to blame. Blaming us for not being able to conceive because J drank to much or smoked to much. I saw the agony in his heart when these comments were starting to get to him. Truth is, J isn't the cause of our infertility. I am. I have PCOS, a blocked fallopian tube, and just newly diagnosed Thyroid, when my body becomes pregnant. Yes, J has low concentration but lets be real here. There's just too many odds against us as one. After three failed IUIs, 1 fresh IVF, & a FET (which resulted in a blighted ovum) we became closer than ever. We share a bond that many couples will never get to experience. Some days are better than others but with each others support we will get through this.

We as humans are somehow programmed to try to solve every problem that gets thrown our way. Sometimes we just have to learn how to listen and give a shoulder to cry on. During my journey I have met many wonderful women. Some who are still struggling others who have beat infertility. My friendship has not changed with any of these women. Sure our conversation might have changed from infertility to the beauty of motherhood. From the bottom of my heart I truly enjoy both topics. Because regardless of their current status their friendship remained the same. Remembering my upcoming appointments, picking me up when I am feeling blue, etc. These are friendships I will forever cherish regardless of how my journey ends.

So next time you want to show support to an infertile friend, family, co-worker do something nice for them. Ask them how they're doing if they are open about their struggle. Say a little prayer for them. The smallest things are the ones that stay in our hearts.

Finally after 9 weeks the witch decided to make her appearance. About effin time!! Emotionally I was losing it. J even had the talk with me. The talk about me having a bad attitude and it was affecting our relationship. It took me by surprise but it snapped me back to reality. I needed to jus relax and let my body takes it's course. 

I was instructed to take Prometium for 10 days and then it could take 2 weeks for a new cycle to start. Well this girl cheated and ditched it after 7 days. Only because I knew I ovulated and didn't need it.  In reality I ditched it because my hormones were out of control. Every little thing made me cry and I had such a bad attitude. Totally sucked!! 

Once I saw AF I immediately emailed my nurse to let her know. Of course she was thrilled and said it was about time. We discussed my next FET cycle and how were going to fit it in with my upcoming vacay. My clinics FET cycle are 7 weeks long! Yes that's right I have to wait 7 weeks before we get another try. Ugh! Unfortunately the transfer was scheduled during our vacation and we had to push it out another week. At first I was disappointed that they couldn't move it up a week before. Then I decided to change my perspective and realized this is the best outcome. If we would have done it a week before I would have been extremely paranoid which would cause a stressful getaway. Who wants that? Not me! Specially during Js bday. 

June 13th I am ready for you!! Maybe it was meant to be. My close friend's bday is on June 13th and maybe it's meant to be. 

This crazy weather has me feeling yucky. I woke up with bad sinus pressure and the sneezing would not stop. Now my ears are achy and throat is scratchy. 😷 I'm not a fan of medication unless it's a must. My body is really good at fighting it off if I get rest and drink lots of vitamin C. 

It's getting extremely frustrating that AF hasn't made an appearance. I went in on St Patties day for an ultrasound because I had been experiancing lower back pain + shooting pains down my thighs. Some days the pain was excruciating that I wanted to cry. I told myself that AF was on her way, WRONG! She just doesn't want to show her face. My main worry is that our vacations is approaching and I would love to have the opportunity to try another FET. The ultrasound showed a 6mm lining and a 11mm follicle. The Dr said what he could see AF should be showing up soon. I've been tempting and my temps have been cray cray. I've never had temps below 97. It got me worried since I read it could be a sign of infection which caused me to just stop temping. Luckily they said I was cleared of bacteria as well. They basically told me to go home and wait for AF. 😫 Do you know how hard that is to just wait!! I saw my acupuncturist and she was surprised that I still hadn't started my cycle. She told me to ask for Provera if I didn't start by this week. Monday came around and nothing. Ugh! I texted my nurse and she gave me permission to start the progesterone. What I didn't notice was that I might of O around the weekend. If my tempts are right then it definitely happened. Since I got frustrated and didn't temp everyday I don't know if it was Friday, Saturday or Sunday. 

I started taking P on Tuesday morning so the big rise was probably due to that. Either way if I did or didn't I will only take it for 10 days and wait for AF to appear. Crossing my fingers that she goes easy on me as well. I just want her to come visit me!! 

On the brighter side J hated seeing me down so he bought me a lovely distraction. 

I think she was meant for him more than me. She definitely keeps me entertained but he's the one that babies her. For crying out loud she likes to watch Spongebob in the morning while he's getting ready for work. I do love her though she's such a character. 

Period period where are u??! Come to me!!! 

It's been a while...I guess I try not to think about it so I find other things to do. I'm going to try my best to blog more because in the end this is a place I write to remember my IF journey. 

Fridays use to be exciting days but now they just remind me of our little angel. It was a Friday when I found out that our baby wasn't growing at a normal pace. The following Friday we got the devastating news that our pregnancy wasn't developing. I used to look forward to Fridays and now I struggle to even get past them. I will eventually get over it...I know I will. Time heals. 

We did get some good news though. Results came back from the genetic/ karyotype testing as normal. Our little boy  did not have any chromosomal abnormalities which gives us a sense of relief. A part of me always knew it was a boy. Strangely I see myself as a mother of boys. Why? Idk I prefer sports over girly stuff. Don't get me wrong I always tell J I want a little girl because let's face it girls are fun to dress! And I want a baby girl to be able to share the same bond I have with my mom. 

I bought this when we went through our first fresh cycle in hopes to give it to J when I got a +. He eventually got to see it  during  our  FET cycle. (: 

I got this in hopes to tell my parents. They never got to see it. 

Again my heart said boys! 

 

When we found out the sex of our little angel our hearts finally got some closure. This lost felt more real that what science said it was. 

We dont have answers on to why this happened but I'm checking it off to my thyroid and my body not knowing what to do with the pregnancy. We were concerned that the rest of our embryos might be abnormal and we had to do PGD testing. Knowing the results gives us one less thing to worry about. There's so much going through my head but I just can't put it into words. 

 Our next FET will bring us a take home baby, I just know it! We will get past this bump on the road and our hearts will heal. My HCG was finally below 5 on Friday (again a Friday!) it was at 4. Still no sign of AF and I am growing impatient. Pulled out the thermometer over the weekend to see if my body is finally doing something. So far NADA! Sigh! At least my thyroid finally dropped to .47!! Woohoo! Don't have to worry about it elevating and being above normal range once I get pregnant again. 

"Even though this is hard, even though I dont understand it, even though it's not fair, I'll keep a good attitude and stay full of joy, knowing that this is not setting me back. It is setting me up for God to bring me through to the other side of this in an even better position." - Joel Osteen, Every Day A Friday.

I happened to come across this quote in his book after learning that our pregnancy was a blighted ovum. It really moved me in ways I could not explain in words. Somehow it allowed me to find peace in all this. Don't get me wrong, I'm still human. Tears still seem to make their appearance once in awhile. For the mere fact that this was my first pregnancy, a pregnancy that I will never forget. I didn't realize how much it could affect me to be so close to something I've always wanted and just like that a dark cloud seemed to destroy it. My meltdowns appear at night when I am all alone. Sometimes I find myself calling J just to cry hysterically because I want someone to feel my pain. Each day I find a way to move forward...to focus on the future not in the past.

"...You have to let go of the bad, hang on to the good, and keep moving forward your goal."-Joel Osteen

During this roller coaster of emotions I not only found comfort in his book but also a song that I never heard and instantly fell in love with. Kutless- "What Faith Can Do"



I dont usually listen to this genre but something in my heart lead me to it. Everyday is a new day that I wake up and give thanks for what I do have in my life. Sure there will be days where we have to wear a smile on our faces to hide our emotions. What I've noticed? The more you do it the more your mind starts believing it and you start to feel better.

What has this thought me? Besides learning that it could hurt like a motha...well in all honesty...it made me realize how fortunate I am. How can this be? I always woke up feeling like something was missing and as much as I tried I couldn't shake the feeling off. Now I wake up thanking God for giving me the opportunity to breath, walk, see, smell, and to wake up with the man I love by my side. There's so much in our lives that we should be grateful for and we seem to come off as ungrateful. I'm guilty but I also know its not to late to repent and start thanking God for what he has blessed me with.

With IF everything seems like a race. A race with a finish line that got further and further from us whenever a new pregnancy announcement or anything baby related came our way. Why should it feel like a race when those women have no idea they are competing with us? I can guarantee you that they are lacking something that you have plenty of. At first I thought IF was a horrible curse in my life. Now, strangely, I see it as a blessing. What kind of mother would I be if I was a fertile myrtle? I see more than a handful of women that can use a class or two about mothering. I was surprise that J actually agreed with me. He admitted that in a way he is grateful because his perspective has changed throughout our journey. He doesn't know what kind of father he would of been but if he ever gets the opportunity he will always put his future children's needs before his own. He has had his fair share of witnessing bad parenting but reminds me we have no say on how other people treat their kids or dont treat their kids. Sometimes I felt like it was easier to judge because I was bitter. In reality I was seeing what I don't want to become. I would hate if I came home and my children didn't acknowledge me. Or when they felt tired, sick, hungry they went to someone else instead of me. I never understood why children acted the way they did but it all comes down to who shows them love. Isn't that what we all search for in life? Some of you may disagree with me and might think I am ridiculous for having this perspective. Well this is what makes sense to me, what gives me comfort at night, or maybe this is a way for me to try to understand God's plan. Whatever it is it's helping me sleep at night and when the morning comes I feel joy. Joy comes in the morning Psalm 30:5.

Lately I don't know how to express my emotions. Most of the time I am fine and then there's days where I begin to think about our little one that my eyes swell up with tears. Am I suppose to say it's not fair or why us? But those words never come out. Those words are not even on my mind. Is it because I have accepted the fact that there was nothing we could have done to change the outcome? Or has God kept a good eye on me? People might make the assumption that this hasn't affected me at all. I seem 100% normal. I might play the part but deep down I'm hurting. I just can't be mad or cry out to God, "Why me?" I don't believe he had anything to do with it. I believe he has held my hand during this time. Could it be that he is the reason I am so calm? Almost at peace? 

I know our angel baby is in a better place. I know he/she knows how much he/she was wanted. Now we need to remind ourselves that "Hey! After 5 years of no pregnancies I got PREGNANT!" Gasp! It's weird to see it in that perspective but that's the only thing that makes me feel comforted. 

Everyone at the clinic has been amazingly supportive. Which I am extremely grateful for. When we found out our pregnancy was a blighted ovum the Dr understood I was not emotionally capable of discussing the situation. He allowed us to go see him the following day so we can have an in depth discussion. I have to admit he was a bit worried that I would have an emotional breakdown again. When he saw that I was ok and smiling with J he acknowledge it. I told him I couldn't dwell on things I couldn't change even if I wanted to. Now it's time to explore our next steps and where this leaves us. We discussed the possibility of bad egg quality, which he doesn't believe it is a factor. We also talked about possibly testing the embryos to see if in fact they have any abnormalities, he didn't think this was something we needed to jump into right away. Given the fact that we run the risk of losing all our embryos. He did have to admit that it is a bit strange that we have transferred three already and two embryos didn't take and the other didn't develop. Again he insist we wait because it can be as simple as bad luck. I of course questioned the possibility of scarring and he smiled saying, "Good question. Since the procedure will be done here by an RE you have 2-3% of scarring. If you would of have it with an OBGYN your percentage would go up, only because they can be a bit more abrasive." He recommended we do our surgery on a Thursday so I can have 4 days off to heal. Luckily my old Dr is back from maternity leave and she is there on Thursdays.  After we asked everything we were concerned about he said in regards to giving it a go again was truly up to us. He can start as soon as my next cycle makes it's grand entrance. We were on our way out and the nurse told me the appointment was a free consult not to worry about a thing. 

Thursday came around and Deep down I was hoping Dr B would be the surgeon. It was strangely my lucky day because she did the procedure. Before of course she went to go see since I haven't seen her since September 2013. She almost made me cry when her eyes got watery as she expressed her sadness towards our situation. She's been amazing since I had my first consult with her and it was reassuring to see that she really cared. 

Procedure was done in less than 15 but since I hadn't gotten much sleep it took them a while to wake me up. Oops! Who knew anesthesia could knock you out completely if you haven't slept much. When we finally arrived home I found the sweetest card in the mail. Guess from who? My clinic!! They sent a sweet lovely card signed by everyone. Tears were unavoidable. We won't know the results of the genetic testing for about two or three weeks. Tomorrow I will have my first  blood draw to check where my HCG levels are. They were at 12,600 6 days before  procedure. 

Yesterday I went to my acu session to relax and just de-stress. They were also very sad to hear the news and said the session was on them. Again majorly grateful to have this amazing support. 

Anyway, one thing I have been researching is my thyroid issue. I didn't have a thyroid problem before I got pregnant. Once I was they supposedly went all coocoo and they put me on synthyroid. Well Dr Google (my nemesis) showed me a couple of postings where ladies have experience blighted ovums more than once because of their untreated thyroid. Which leaves me with the question: could my untreated thyroid have caused it? I know there's no scientific evidence of why blighted ovums happen. But this surely can't be a coincidence, can it?? Stupid me thought that stopping all meds was including synthyroid. Boy did they yell at me when I told them I had stopped taking it. Apparently they won't let me even try another FET if my levels don't come down to their liking. I haven't asked my Dr about my assumptions but I plan to when I get the results from our D &C. 

As for now I just have to continue what I am doing and hope my levels come down quicker rather than later. 

Is what I was diagnosed with. Of course I broke down in tears and had an emotional break down. Just like that it came and went. Before my appointment...actually since my last ultrasound I have been prayin to God for peace and comfort. Today I prayed for him to stay by my side and hold me as I endure this. Strangely this was before my ultrasound. And that is what he did. He held me and allowed me to heal through tears and then he made me smile here an there with J. Sure we are both extremely sad and heart broken but we both believe everything is for a reason. We will mourn but move forward with his help. 

We still haven't gotten a proper consult with Dr K because I couldn't speak during our appt. He offered to see us tomorrow to discuss our options. As I now I am just going to allow myself to heal emotionally. 

After our bad news J took me to breakfast because I refused to go home. Then we ran errands...I truly believed that allowed me to heal instead of coming home just to cry. Now I just feel peace and that lets me know The Lord has not abondened my request.