After arriving home yesterday I saw an abundance of brown discharge on my undies. It was still there when I wiped. I haven't been feeling well. I get extremely dizzy regardless of what I eat. With this happening I managed to convince myself I was having an ectopic pregnancy. My right side has been hurting non stop, near my belly button.

My mind was thinking of every scenerio possible. I refused to get out of bed in hopes the brown discharge would subside. Those sudden pains would come and go. At 7:30 am I called my nurse and she asked me  to come in for a check up. After arriving there I expected them just to do blood work and send me on my way only to have a stressful weekend. That wasn't the case...they immediately called me in asked me to empty my bladder and they will be with me shortly.

Dr B poked her head to my room and asked what was going on. I explained to her what I was experiencing trying my best to hold back my tears. Unfortunately J was at work til 5 am so he wasn't with me. Ultrasound showed no blood in my uterus or around gestational sac. What we did see was our miracle baby fighting hard to hold on...measuring exactly 5 weeks 6 days. This is when the tears started flowing because I've never seen THIS! Its always been empty sacs. Dr B is making the assumption my body was just expelling old implantation blood. My UTI seems to disappear and then come back. Given that the antibiotics aren't strong enough I might have to continue on them to male sure the infection doesn't cause anymore irritation to my bladder. For now Dr B is holding on to hope as I will continue to worry maybe until we hear our baby's heartbeat or maybe until he/she is moving noticeably inside me.

We go back Wednesday in hopes to hear a heartbeat. Thank u everyone for the well wishes please keep praying this little miracle keeps fighting.

I guess the body wants what the body wants... And my body doesn't want this pregnancy. I wish I could hold on to hope but I've been down this rode before and I know where its leading to.

One day but that day isn't today. Wish u would hold on little one but if u don't u will have good company up in heaven.

It seems that my body and mind like to play games with me. How could've I not figured this out sooner? I knew there was something odd about my spotting. Things didn't feel right it felt like the witch was on its way. Once that subsided the symptoms became evident there was another culprit. Yup I have a lovely UTI!

By Thursday the pain became unbearable and just like that it hit me. I grabbed my phone texted my nurse and demanded an appt for the next day. OK, ok didn't have to demand I simply asked if I could stop by the following day. That morning I noticed blood on my pantyliner and I became nervous. I mentioned it to the nurse and as soon as those words left my mouth another nurse yelled, "There's blood in her urine sample. Definitely an infection."

You mean I could have been bleeding all along because my body was trying to tell me something? Apparently this isn't the first time I developed one. During my last miscarriage I also went in because I was uncomfortable. Lab results showed I had a bacteria infection and no one told me anything! Now I'm wondering if it ever left in the first place.

Antibiotics and cranberry juice it is! I'm hoping I can clear this up soon and I don't have to be in so much pain. At first I thought this was going to put my mind at ease (laughing) not even one bit. My acupuncturists asked me of I was stressed after feeling my pulse. I couldn't lie...I've been a little over the edge. I even developed major insomnia which doesn't help.

9 more days until the fate of this pregnancy is revealed.

After a rough start my body seems to be recognizing this pregnancy. My spotting has completely stopped, slight cramping here and there but nothing to alarming. At this point we've decided that it is safe for me to go back to work. A part of me is developing anxiety going back but it must be done.

We're not out of the woods yet and I don't think we will until I get to see my baby on the ultrasound. I fear to see an empty sac again. My mind is raising thinking it will happen again. I try my best to be positive but I'm trying to guard my heart. Blood results revealed pregnancy is progressing as it should, levels went from 340 to 1060. My thyroid levels did rise but still within range, it went from .4 to 1.4.

We have another two week wait ahead of us before my heart can find peace. For now I will indulge in some acupuncture.

This post is suppose to be filled with joy and excitement. Instead I have been hesitant to write this post. Let's start at the beginning...

At 4DP5DT I felt horrendous cramps that shot down my back and legs. I managed to sleep it off and the following day I felt fine until the day progressed. I began feeling like my period was coming. I woke up at 2:30am at 6DP5DT about to burst. I decided to POAS only to see a BFN. My heart sank, my body felt numb, I felt devastated. I stayed up an hour staring at that stick. After a while I convinced myself I saw a line, possibly an evap but I saw it. J of course told me to go back to sleep because I was going crazy he didn't see anything. I kept getting this nagging feeling to test again before we headed off to celebrate Thanksgiving. This time around he saw a 2nd line so we left it at that. The following day We would know if it was a fluke. 

7dp5dt we had confirmed FET 4 worked. I texted my nurse and moved my beta from Tuesday to Monday. Soon after I started spotting. This spotting was odd- I didn't even think it was spotting til the following day. I started getting bad cramps and a feeling my period was going to appear any minute. Again I didn't consider it spotting til I felt off. My right side near my belly button started hurting (I usually get this before a miscarriage). My world fell apart just imagining another loss. 

When I went in for blood work today I talked to my Dr. I couldn't even start talking without sobbing. She pulled me into her office and attempted to calm me down. I described every little detail I felt and was already expecting another loss. She couldn't give me a definete answer as to what was happening. I could see in her eyes she wanted to make everything better but didn't know how. She admitted the medication I was already on would be the only thing she had to prevent miscarriages. If there was another drug she would give it to me instantly. After I wiped my tears away she looked at me and said, "I've never seen you so emotional. This is a good thing. Must be pregnancy hormones rising in your body." She said depending on my results she would probably add vaginal suppositories. In the state that I was in I even considered a leave of absence from work. She was hesitant only for the sole purpose that I would stress out more just laying around. For now that is still up in the air. She did ask me to take a couple days off to rest and see of the spotting subsides. 

At 11am Dr B called and my heart sank. Drs only call if there's bad news. She immediately informed me not to freak out she was calling because she wanted to personally deliver the news herself. My beta came back at 340 and my progesterone at 40. No need for extra suppositories. We won't know if this pregnancy is progressing until Wednesday. Even with this news J and I are on pins and needles. J is having a harder time embracing the little good news we received. It breaks my heart to see him act like this pregnancy is not going to last. Though I would be a hypocrite if I said I had faith it was going to last. One day at a time... Today we are pregnant, what about tomorrow? 

*excuse typos used my phone

During our preparation for our FET cycle I was feeling defeated. Negativity was all that I thought about. I had to force myself out of that forsaken hole to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I knew I needed to do something for myself to feel confident and motivated this was a new beginning.

On Veterans day I decided to make an appointment to get my hair done. I was hesitant at first because I didn't want all these chemicals in my body but I knew I needed it to lift my spirits up. I've never been the type to go and spend money on these things because I am indecisive. Or I easily have a change of heart. My aunt is a hairstylist so everyone she is in town I have her do it. 1. I trust her 2. All I have to do is buy the product. Knowing I wasn't going to California anytime soon, or her to Texas, I went for it.

My dad immediately told me a needed to put cheeks on (blush) because i looked pale. LOL! I know this isn't the greatest picture but I don't have a better one at this time. Sorry, maybe next time.

With every cycle I get excited and buy a gift for our baby. It was just a natural instinct to do it. The only cycle I didn't purchase a gift was with FET #2. (I mentioned before that I had a feeling it wasn't our time.) Knowing FET #4 was on its way I told J I wanted to buy a little something for baby. I just felt that I needed to let he/she know they were wanted instead of letting these negative thoughts get in the way. The day before our FET I purchased the gift and I must say it was the best decision I've made. It immediately brought peace into my heart. Hope that God is looking over us.

Transfer day was a bit awkward to say the least. This may sound ridiculously weird but I am sure some of you can relate. Dealing with infertility treatment that forces you to see the same people every other week or two, you become accustomed to their way of being. I know I prefer certain nurse's because I am familiar with their personality. When we arrived I immediately noticed some people were absent others were occupied. My Dr was scheduled to do my transfer but got pulled last minute for an emergency surgery. One of my favorite nurses did mention the Dr I was not fond of was going to do my transfer. This saddened me but ultimately the end goal was to have a successful transfer and achieve pregnancy. 

Before our transfer took place Nurse W said to me..."I told Dr A to be nice to u because u like Dr B more than him." Don't get me wrong Dr A is a great Dr and is the owner of this clinic. My wounds are just not fully healed from when he bluntly said I didn't have the right to celebrate my pregnancy because more than likely I would miscarry. Ok...maybe I wrote it worst than his actual words BUT the way he delivered the news was more heartbreaking than what I already knew.

Anywho, Dr A was extremely nice this time around. He sat in the bed and had a brief talk with us. During the transfer as he was waiting for the embryologist to bring our little embaby he bowed his head and something reassured me he was praying for us. Transfer was actually pretty smooth. No cramps afterwards. Had my acupuncture session in the waiting area and then we were on our way. 

I rested the entire day trying to keep my feet warm. The following day we went to breakfast, shopping, movie, and then rested at home. J made dinner and headed out shooting with my brother. Sunday I went to church with my mother. Then I took her out to breakfast. The rest of the day was uneventful since I wanted to keep resting. 

Negative thoughts try to seek their way in but I immediately start praying to vanish them. I will not allow them to consume me. This morning when I woke up I checked my email and saw this. 

I knew he is trying to tell me to stay calm. Then I realized the day of our transfer I also received the following message.

How I wish I could start by saying we had a surprise natural pregnancy. HA! Well that isn't the case. Although on the brighter side I was glad to have a natural cycle before my FET. I think my body and soul needed it.

Baseline ultrasound today confirmed a thin lining and quiet ovaries. Yay! Are genetic testing revealed another possible problem with our recurrent miscarriages. I don't have one but TWO MTHFR mutations. I guess I was the fortunate child to get all the glories genes from my parents. What does this mean? Another lovely medication I  need to take was added to my list. When I went in for my endometrial scratch my Dr informed me that my lovely nurse was in a car accident. She assured me she was fine but needed time off to recover. So this FET cycle has had a rough start without her but I am confident she will be back before my transfer. I reached out to her to make sure she was doing ok. 

I've been having a difficult time staying positive. For the last week or so I catch myself wondering/dreaming of the what ifs. A week before Halloween we went out to a Halloween party. At first I felt excitement then as we arrived at our destination those emotions left the building. I immediately wanted to go home, to my luck we agreed to all go in one vehicle to prevent people driving intoxicated. I'm not a fan of drinking so I always knew I would be the designated driver. As the night progress people began to annoy me. Time was literately going no where. Peoples feelings were hurt others over drank and my patience were to a minimal. At 3:30am I spoke up demanding to leave because I was starving. I don't even remember how we even got to where the conversation ended but there I was holding back tears. I was reminded of what I didn't have. Of what I could've had.

"Why do you want to go home? You of all people should be getting drunk having a good time. It's not like you have kids to worry about." - Rude

"If I had kids I wouldn't even be here, I would be at home with them! Why would I want to drink and fill my body with drugs if I had kids of my own?"- Me

(Looks at me in a disgustingly shocking face) "Yeah right that's what you say now."- Rude

Needles to say I walked away from that conversation because it's obvious she wasn't being rational. For one, I was the only person not drinking and two I don't do drugs. Is she implying that once I have children I will run to those things for comfort? What kind of sick world do you live in? She attempted to apologized after I walked away but the harm was done. Let's just say I cried myself to sleep that night. I should've never been at that party. I should've had my son in my arms.

I'm scared.

I'm nervous.

I'm hopeful.

He has given me his reassurance in different ways. Every night in my prayers I talk to my angels. In one rare occasion I confessed that it breaks my heart not knowing what they look like. In a strange wonderful way I had an unexplainable dream where I truly felt them in my arms. That's when I knew he hasn't left my side. 

So it begins....

Vivelle patches start tomorrow with a transfer date of the 21st.