The day I never imagined could become a reality has arrived. Or should I say did arrive? On Saturday we celebrated two of my nieces birthdays. I told J I wanted to take advantage of this family and friend gathering to announce our bundle of joy. He wasn't fond of the idea and tried convincing me to wait. I explained to him that we had such a great appointment that it wasn't fair to our little one that we were hiding him/her from the people who loved him/her already. He hesitantly agreed to it because I told him we needed to put our faith in God and he will look over my pregnancy/baby. After I got the ok from J I started working on our announcement and came up with this. J also had some input in it which made me extremely happy that he was involved.

I told my mom that I wanted to tell everyone at the party and she asked how I was going to do it. I showed her our announcement and she loved it! As you all know plans don't always go as you plan. I was feeling a bit discouraged and decided to just wait another week. We were all gathered around in a circle talking about my cousin who is pregnant and is also due in August. My mom told my aunt, "Remember with us it was always by twos." My aunt, "Yes you are right. I wonder who the second one is." My face turned super red that I started to avoid eye contact since my aunt was standing right next to me. She immediately realized what I was doing and looked directly at me and asked the winning question.

"Is it you? Are you pregnant?" Tears starting to form in her eyes. Me: "YES!"

She hugged me tightly and began crying. Everyone around us was a bit confused as to what was going on. My cousin pulled us apart asking what was happening. I looked at him and said it again louder, "I'm pregnant!" His jaw dropped, speechless for a second, then grabbed my face cheeks. "I didn't know if you were just getting chubby cheeks or if there was a reason behind it. I'm so glad its because you are pregnant." Then he pinched my cheeks again. Everyone around us began to hug us and congratulate us. Everyone said the same thing about my chubby face cheeks. Apparently my face was the first to expand. My older brother admitted he knew and was delighted for us. All my aunts cried when they heard the news and immediately said they were recently thinking about me. My pregnant cousin was also extremely overjoyed and said I deserve it with all I've been through. There's no one better to enjoy this journey with and she's praying this little one sticks.

Seeing everyones reaction was comforting to know our little one is already loved by everyone. The people I least expected to see excitement from hugged me and were genuinely happy for us. Everyone in our family is aware of our struggle and what we've been through. Not everyone knows of our miscarriages though. J seemed a bit relief that everyone knows now although we still worry. We chose not to announce to J's family not because they wouldn't be supportive or excited. J wants to personally see his mother's reaction when she finds out I'm pregnant. Our plan is to go visit and surprise his family. Its difficult to keep it a secret only because they are also impatiently waiting for us to announce that our treatments worked. But its easier to keep it hidden since they are thousands of miles away.

So here goes my first bump update!

How far along? 11 weeks 2 days

Baby Size: As big as a lime. (1.6 in.)

Total weight gain: No weight gain so far!

Maternity clothes: Nope

Stretch marks: My right hip has an old stretch mark

Sleep: So far great but it has a lot to do with me not currently working

Food cravings: Nothing in particular but anything will do if I’m hungry.

Best moment this week: Announcing our pregnancy

Miss anything? Not yet

Anything making you queasy or sick? No

Gender: Im leaning towards boy but a little girl would be such a blessing too

Symptoms: Congestion, pregnancy rhinitis, peeing a lot, sore nipples, acne

Belly button in or out: In

Wedding rings on or off: On

Happy or moody most of the time: happy

Looking forward to: Our next ultrasound appointment on Feb 3rd!

***OK looks like I was able to fix my blog page. Although I may still be experiencing issues with the giveaway tool so make sure u leave a comment incase it doesnt work so i can pick a winner. Thanks! ***

I have never done a book review in my life so bare with me here. (Okay maybe back when I was in school but that was soooo long ago). Hope I do a fantabulous job that it makes all my readers want to go out and buy this wonderful book. Katie Schnack, Publicist, reached out to me back in November for this wonderful opportunity. Unfortunately there was a mixed up with our mail and I didn't receive this book until about a week ago, ooops! I actually saw this book at my fertility clinic in the lobby as well as the billing area. Which made me intrigue and desperate to receive this book.

So here goes it...

Chris & Michelle Miller are an ordinary couple that are in for a rude awaking. Like many of us who deal with infertility we never imagined how difficult having a baby could really be. Thanks SEX ED class! This book is broken down with His & Her perspectives on their infertility journey. Which I think is wonderful because I catch myself wondering sometimes how J feels during this process. Most men tend to be silent during this journey and when they do seem to share it makes us women a little less vulnerable. While reading this book I couldn't help but recall our journey. I would stop reading and text J to ask him how he felt when a certain event happen after reading Chris's perspective. This couple walks you through their journey from the moment they met until they achieved their goal, having a family. Their story started out just like many of us trying naturally. As the months, years passed and still no baby they sought out help. Going through testing, surgeries,a miscarriage, IUIs, and IVFs. (Yes they did more than one cycle of IVF). Reading about Michelle's miscarriage brought tears to my eyes. Although it was never truly confirmed in her case she believes she had a blighted ovum. My first pregnancy was a blighted ovum as well and I don't think I would ever get over. If you are in the trenches of infertility or even out of the trenches I honestly think you would enjoy this book. Its honesty allows you to relate to this couple and of course they have a beautiful ending. I enjoyed reading their story that I finished the book in three days, would've been sooner but responsibilities got in the way.

Since you were generous enough to read my review Katie and I are doing a book giveaway.

Entry-Form

A part of me has been hesitating to write this post because I just dont know where things are heading at the moment. My heart is telling me to just believe its really happening but my mind is constantly in denial. After our 9 week ultrasound on Monday, J and I were extremely optimistic. We saw our little one wiggling his/her little hands during the ultrasound. Baby had a good strong heart beat. Dr B even showed us his/her spine, it was pretty fascinating actually. Once she was done with the ultrasound I asked Dr B if she realized we had made another Leo. Her mouth was grinning from ear to ear and she immediately asked me my due date. I told her Dr A had given me Aug 10th as my due date and her smile got even wider. "You have to keep that baby in for four more days! Then all three of us will have the same birthday. This baby is meant to be I have no doubt in my mind. I always knew once we got you to this point everything would be ok." Before she walked out the door she told me she wasn't done with me and expected to get updates with baby bump pics and gender reveal. J and I just laughed with agreement. My nurse stayed behind and gave me instructions on the medication I am still taking. Before we left the clinic she gave me a big hug and also asked me to keep her updated. Apparently they all want a baby bump!

Leaving this clinic was quite difficult. I mean who wants to be treated like a regular pregnant women when you went through so much to get where you are. Our first OB appointment was just a consultation with the nurse practitioner. We went over our medical history, pelvic exam, urine sample, etc. During the medical history she asked how we got pregnant. If we were labeled as infertile and why. These were very odd questions to me especially when they knew where I came from. Well turns out they didn't have my medical records on file as of yet so that was all the questioning. J was quick to point out how different their technology was from our fertility clinic. I gave him a look like seriously thats what you notice. Dr B told us that Dr V is a great doctor. He is the only doctor at his clinic with the help of the NP and he has delivered all his patients. ALL OF THEM! Not one has slipped through the cracks. Quite amazing if you ask me. I wont see Dr V until the 15th of January and that is when he will refer me to an MFM. Apparently they aren't in a hurry to do it. The NP made it very clear that they will see me if I had a bleeding episode and I can expect the same courtesy our fertility clinic had with us. Im going to take her word for it and hope she doesn't fail me.

The day after our ultrasound I woke up to bleeding. J was just arriving from work when i woke up to pee. As I was wiping he walked in to the restroom and saw there was blood on the tp. His face went pale and started questioning me why i was bleeding. I looked down to see if there was more on the toilet and there was. I cleaned myself up with out freaking out, walked back to bed and closed my eyes. At this point I think Im just numb with all this bleeding. Of course this steered our light of hope back to the cloud of darkness. J said he cant get excited because something always seems to laugh at his face. He doesn't understand whats going on and it worries him. You and me both baby! Now the fear of getting bad news at our next scan is getting the best of me. J wont be able to go with me because its in the afternoon. With me not working we really cant afford having him miss work. I decided to ask my mom to go with me in case i have an emotional breakdown. With my luck she's going to be out of town, more like out of the state! I told J if I wake up with anxiety that day we have no choice but to have him go with me. Its a 35 minute drive on the freeway for me to drive alone if things aren't what we expect. Why cant I just be normal!!!???

If that isn't enough stress somehow people in our family are already asking if I'm pregnant. My older brother apparently is pretty sore that we havent told him we are expecting. People are trying every trick in the book to get me to admit it. Even to the point of calling me fat! Really I havent gained any weight, I've actually lost 2 pounds and I have no idea why. Sure my face seemed rounder for a few days but it seems like it went back to normal. Im not ready to announce and people should just respect it. This hasn't been easy, fun, or exciting for us so why do they get to barge in demanding me to say,"YES IM PREGNANT!" Its my pregnancy let me be the one to share the news when we know things are ok. Sorry rant over!!

Dear Lord please continue to protect my child, your creation, inside my womb. Please place your healing hands over my womb and give my baby a safe place to keep growing. My faith might seem weary at times but I will always remember the message you sent me when I lost the twins. "...For God has appointed another seed for me..." (Genesis 4:25, NKJV). This child is the seed you promised me and therefor I know you will let this seed bloom with your love and protection. In Jesus name Amen.

Thank you everyone for the well wishes and prayers. It truly means the world to us.

After my last heavy bleed my body has gotten the point to stay put. I'm not saying I haven't bled since then but it's light/spotting type of bleed. As soon as I see red blood I put my feet up to avoid a heavy bleed. So far this has worked wonders for me. Doesn't take long for the bleeding to turn brown and eventually just brown spotting. There's days were I feel pregnancy symptoms and then there's days that they're non existent. I try my best not to read to much into it or else it would add to my anxiety.

Scheduling an appt with an OBGYN was so easy compared go MFM. The specialist that I was referred to was a let down. I did my research on them before even receiving a call and immediately noticed I wouldn't feel comfortable being seen there. Let's just say the Dr doesn't have bedside manners. No thanks! My first conversation with the receptionist was nothing but questioning why I needed to be seen by them. Once we discussed that she said she needed to call me back to run the info by the Doctors. Two days later we played phone tag, more like me trying to get a hold of her, only to be told they weren't going to see me. Excuse me? U need my OB to confirm pregnancy when I've had multiple ultrasounds with my RE? Oh ur trying to say of he thinks it's a viable pregnancy u will consider seeing me but more than likely not because of who my OB is. Interesting. Rude much!? Since I did do my research I immediately called another MFM office and I fell in love without even seeing them. The receptionist was 100% professional and acknowledged my history of losses. Unfortunately since my RE didn't refer me she said ur OB appt is around the corner let them know to send us a referral and we will schedule you right in. Once again she acknowledged how worried I must be but asked me to stay calm as I should be in there care soon. Hopefully.

To our surprise I went a whole week without popping my head in at my REs office. Woohoo me! I was up since 4am...can u say nerves? My mind was going crazy. I convinced myself that since my symptoms were almost non existent something was wrong. Everyone talks about tender/sore breast during pregnancy...I don't experience that I actually only have sore/sensitive nipples. Every morning I wake up and brush my fingers against them to make sure they're still sensitive. Well guess what this morning I didn't feel much. Porque!!?

As soon as we get to the clinic we stay in the waiting area for less than 10mins. Usually once were in a room were seen within 5 the most 10 mins. Today was our lucky day...we sat there for almost 30 and I was ready to grab that wand myself to see what was going on in there. J gave me an aweful look which I knew meant I was acting a bit weird. I asked him of he was nervous. No. Asked him why? This is nothing new. Whatever happens happens. Really? Not even a smidge? Why are u so calm!!! Relax! U will be OK.

Once I realized my Dr wasn't here today I panicked. The last time I had Dr A due an ultrasound was when he bluntly told me not to be telling people I was pregnant because it wasn't looking good. Dejavu? Before I move on to the wonderful news let me just point out that it was the most painful ultrasound ever.

Our little miracle is measuring right on track with a heartbeat of 170bpm. I was amazed at how much it had grown in a week. J even commented on this. My nurse laughed and said I told u it would look a lot bigger. Looks like a gummy bear doesn't it? After the ultrasound Dr A asked how I was feeling as well as any feedback on his staff or clinic. He printed out some ultrasounds for us with a card that had my EDD. The EDD was off by one day since they had it wrong on the machine. He basically graduated me which had me speechless. This wasn't what Dr B told me the prior week. As soon as he left my nurse reassured me I would be coming back. She went off to explain to him they don't release RPL patients until 10 weeks. We have one last appointment on Jan 5th, hopefully with Dr B, then we will be handed off to my OB and praying an MFM. Or Dr B can say one more appointment before I go. Who knows.

My heart is starting to believe but I won't be convinced until the end of first trimester.

I woke up a bit nervous on Friday, I knew I wasn't feeling 100% to go back to work but since my doctor suggested it I gave it a try. Before I left the house I notice my brown discharge was getting heavier. Of course I ignored it since I was told I was going to experience it with lovenox. Fast forward to 6 hours of being at work...a walk to my vehicle and back to the building I felt a gush. I had literately just gone to the restroom and didn't have spotting. My stomach started cramping and became bloated instantly. Off to the restroom I went.

My face went pale white.

I could barely speak.

It took one look for management to realize something was wrong. All that came out of my mouth was "I'm going home."

By the time I arrived home I was drenched in blood. It went through my pad all over my underwear and pants. I cleaned up and went straight to bed to prop my feet up on top of a pillow. Tears were streaming down my face. J was at work for the rest of the night. When I called him he apologized because he couldn't be there with me. J reminded me this has happened before and I should just rest. I told him it felt different it was too much blood and it wouldn't stop. All he could do is reassure me it wasn't our first scare so I needed to relax or I'll make things worst.

Making the decision to wait until our original appointment was a tough one. Ultimately I realized we had just seen our little one the day before so I needed to give it time to see if there's any changes. If our little one wants to stick around he/she would still be there on Monday. I took it easy for the rest of the weekend and by Saturday morning my bleeding had turned to brown spotting again. Monday finally came around and I had to force J to go with me. He had gone to Dallas the night before to see the Cowboys vs Colts game so he didn't get home until midnight. Don't get me wrong I felt bad he wasn't going to get his full rest but the fear of being told our baby was no longer with us alone was far worst to me.

When I got there I told my nurse what had happened so she immediately told Dr B. She was so anxious to see me that I wasn't even ready when she knocked on the door. (I literately hid behind the door screaming I'm not ready.) Hahaha! That was a much needed laugh. She apologized for not looking for the green light indicating I was ready. Dr B was more anxious than me to see our little miracle. My heart started thumping when the magic wand went in. At first I couldn't see the sac and I got scared...but as she started moving it around there it was! She paused turned around to look at J then me with a big smile.

"It's still there! Ur baby is a fighter."

She immediately pointed out the little flickering heart. J immediately said how much faster the heart was flickering. With this comment Dr B let us hear it and that's when my heart and mind felt relieved. I never mentioned this but I was worried the heart beat wasnt getting stronger in a timely manner although Dr B always reassured me it was were it needed to be. At 6+1 it was @ 97.40bpm, @ 6+4 it was @ 109bpm, now @ 7+1 its @ 140bpm.

Once we were done with the ultrasound Dr B pointed out the fact that I was smiling for the first time. She had a serious talk with J & I about understanding how uneasy we are right now. Completely normal with our history. She assured me once I am out of the first trimester I will start to embrace this pregnancy more. I will transform to a different person and the worry will vanish up until I'm ready to pop.

Given the uneventful event I experienced on Friday she decided it was best to apply for disability. We have no idea where the bleeding is coming from and its obvious the more activity I do the worst it gets. They are also referring me to an MFM specialist to oversee my pregnancy. On top of that she recommended an OBGYN to me. I told her I didn't want to go to my regular one because truthfully I just went their for paps and don't like the environment. She was pleased and told me to call today to ensure I get seen sooner rather than later. But to let them know she was recommending me. My nurse said that doctor loves Dr B and treats her patients a lot like she does. Dr B continued to chime in stating his office is a lot like here small and private. I will always deal with the same wonderful people and doctor. As soon as I got home I called and was told first available appointment would not be til second week of January. They put me on hold stating Dr V would probably want to see me sooner than that. When she came back on the phone she stated they are booking me in for the 31st to get the consultantion out of the way. I won't have an ultrasound until later but they want to have everything on file and ready to go for when I see Dr V. Of course before she told me there was no ultrasound she asked if I had one done with Dr B already. Once I said yes she said great they feel more comfortable knowing I will still be in her care til he can see me.

Dr B also assured me they will not release me until I have been seen by both the specialist and Dr V. Our next appointment with Dr B is on monday the 29th. Before I left she did remind me if anything were to come up they will see me right away. Starting to feel hopeful but continuing to guard my heart.

Pregnancy is suppose to be full of joy and excitement. The kind that makes you want to blurt out to a random stranger "I'm PREGNANT!" Guilt fills my heart every time I realize that my own emotions are fear, stress and anxiety. Am I going to continue feeling this way throughout this pregnancy? Sometimes I wish I was oblivious to everything that can go wrong. Its merely impossible to erase my experiences throughout this journey. So the only obvious thing to do is close my eyes and pretend.

I haven't been to work for a week now. Fear gets the best of me that I just can't bring myself to go to work. Tomorrow is a new day and I might give it a try. Yesterday I was having a super lazy day at home. Cooking was probably the only activity I did besides washing dishes. And just like that my body decided to bleed out again. I got ready for bed and decided to call the clinic first thing in the morning. J was detached since the minute he woke up. Not a word was spoken until we arrived at the clinic. Dr B does a great job on keeping my mind at ease. She reminded us that all we can do is take a look and see what's going on. So we did...our little miracle is still trucking along growing with a heartbeat.

There's still no explanation as to why I'm sporadically bleeding. There's no bleeding in my uterus and gestational sac is attached all the way around. Dr B says she has another patitient who was taken off of lovenox due to bleeding. Unfortunately I can't stop or don't want to because I have three major reasons to be on them. Not only that but thanks to these meds this is the farthest we've ever gotten in a pregnancy. So what do we do? We suck it up and take it day by day. I will be having monitoring appts every four days to check on the progress of the baby. Since it seems like every four days my body decides to bleed.

Dr B said if she could bring me in every day she would or if she could have me carry an ultrasound machine with me to ease my mind she would hand it off to me. J of course shook his head in disapproval. She laughed and asked if it was a bad idea. "It will make her a little more crazy," was his response. Every four days it is! Of course Dr B reassured me it's not a bother for me to come in so often and it wouldn't cause any harm to the baby to keep looking. We've been through a lot this year as it is so for now this is the way things will be handled.

My heart sank when I saw blood when I wiped. It wasn't a smudge or spotting IT WAS FULL ON menstrual bleeding. I freaked out and called J to bring me a pad. Tears were not present at the time or for the rest of the night. I was numb. Confused. Why does this keep happening? J was even more confused, he couldn't understand what was going on. He kept asking me why I was bleeding and I felt hopeless.

Was I losing my baby once again? Monday morning couldn't come any quicker. I couldn't even bring myself to call my nurse I just texted her and was told to come in. I waited for J to wake up because I couldn't go to this appointment by myself.

When we arrived my Doctor was doing a retrieval so we were left waiting for a bit. By the time we got to the appointment my bleeding went from bright red to dark brown. Dr B finally came in with worry on her face. I let her know that it was no longer bright red it was now brown discharge. She immediately let me know that was actually good news. She performed an ultrasound and our baby was still there. (Thank you Jesus!) Measuring right on track of 6 weeks 1 day. She pointed out our baby's heart flickering on the screen. We also got to hear it although it was for a couple seconds. Apparently she said with the u/s machine we were using we were really pushing it on hearing a heartbeat this early. They usually try to do it at 6.3 weeks or later to get a better reading.

My eyes filled with tears when she pointed out the heartbeat. She reminded us this is the farthest we have gone and I should believe it's happening. I'm trying, I really am but I feel like now my fear has increased on losing this little one. Were taking it day by day for now. Dr B understands I'm a nervous wreck so she asked me to come back Friday to take another look.

She doesn't know why I bled the way I did. There's no signs of tears or bleeding around the sac. She believes there's a war inside my uterus as far as my antibodies trying to end the pregnancy and the meds working hard to prevent it. But she also mentioned that some women just bleed or have brown discharge while on lovenox and stopping it usually stops it. Lucky for me I can't stop my meds so I just have to brace myself for possible breakthrough bleeding again. Friday seems so far away but I'm praying I make it that far without having any further complications. Although my Dr assured me if it happened again to let them know and they will see me sooner.