I am officially done with my current RE. Thanks to everyone who shared their feedback in regards to switching REs. I got home and rang them up before they closed. The receptionist was incredibly nice. A tone of voice really makes a difference. I am still holding on to hope that this cycle might of worked but in case it didnt I feel a lot better to have a back up plan. I will go in for my consult on April 22nd. Which works out great because its only a few days before my brothers wedding and I wanted to take a break for this upcoming cycle.

Getting my list of questions ready for my consultation so I can be prepared on getting comprehendable answers. When I received their new patient form I was amazed that the first page wasnt about my medical history. It was about me! They wanted me to tell them what I wanted out of my doctor. How I prefered to be treated, etc. and just something about myself. My current RE did not even bother to set the expectations at my initial appointment.

I will be holding off on sending the new patient form until my BETA is taken on April 8th. The reason for that I just dont want my current office to give me the stink eye. Once they call me with the negative result I am going to let them know I am moving on to a different clinic that I feel meets my needs.

Contemplating if I should get up and end my relationship with my current RE has been on my mine since my first failed cycle. Sometimes I wonder what relationship I am referring to. Its not like he has taken the time to sit down with me besides that one day of consultation and the day of my 1st IUI to say he wants us to go to IVF. I was in denial to think things were going great at this office. Frankly, I was blinded because I am so young and I can't comprehend half of the shit that is going on in my body. Sure I may know a lot more than young ladies my age but it doesn't make me smarter. I know what I have read, what my DRs have pointed out. But what have they really pointed out??? That I can't get pregnant? I remember reviewing my medical records on my insurance site and thats when i saw it. INFERTILE! Yup they labeled me as INFERTILE. Its like they wanted to shove it in my face so it can sink in that I am truly in fact disfunctional. THANKS!!

I am learning little by little to embrace the fact that this is a part of who I am. I could not hide the fact that I may feel broken sometimes because of it. But I refuse to let it hold me back from what I can actually control. Finally being open about what I am going through when people ask has been a great relieve. I feel like I can breath again. Now dont get me wrong I dont sit there explaining my issues or what I am going through with infatuation BUT I at least say, "Yes I am seeking treatment from a specialist that can help me get knocked up." Adding to that note, I also add that I will greatly appreciate it if they gave us some privacy with this matter. Not to be rude...I just know they really don't care to understand.

Anywho, so off topic, after my experience with my 2nd IUI I just couldnt stop thinking that I was not in the right hands. I am not going to say my RE is not a good Dr cause he might very well be. He just isn't what I need right now. I don't feel like he takes the time to explain things to me, I don't like the fact that the only BW i ever get done is 7DPO and BETA. Sure my hormones were ok when I first saw you, how many months ago was that?? OH YEAH ALMOST 6 MONTHS AGO. Another think that discouraged me was that one of the nurses flat out told me he is wanting me to go through IVF because I have such great insurance. SMH! Is that why you are being so careless of my treatment now? In hopes that it fails and you will send me right into IVF?? Ridiculous!

I was feeling a bit down yesterday. Thinking that if I go into IVF and I get my miracle(s) then what about in the future when I get this angs to have another. Will I have to go through this again because of my blocked tube?? It just doesnt sound logical to me that they flat out tell me "Your left tube is blocked but everything else is normal." So if I have one good tube and a normal uterus why havent I gotten pregnant?? I have heard of women born with one ovary and they conceive naturally. They have confirmed that I do indeed O from my right ovary on my own...so again there has to be more to it. Makes me wonder if my tube is leaking causing implantation issues. Since I wasn't satisfied with the way I was treated this past Sunday I became a mad woman and searched the web for new REs. Sure their office came up a good few times although I did not find actual reviews from people speaking about their experience. I found one negative review. I became dishearten that my search was coming to a halt. Then BAM! I found an office that is about 7 minutes away from my job. Not only that it is considered IN NETWORK with my insurance as well. It gets better one of their REs has a specialty in TUBAL FACTOR issues (and shes a female which I love!!). Must be a sign. J wasn't fond of the idea of me switching...he fears that he has to go through all these questions again. I told him to relax he is not the issue so if they need his presence I will let him know. I still have not called to make an appointment because I feel like I am getting ahead of myself. I was planning to take a break next month to let my brothers wedding past by and we can save money to pay for IVF if need be. Since J wasnt so for the idea I expressed my concerns to my mom. Like always she knew how to enlighten me with her words. She was all on board with me getting a second opinion. Surprisingly she agrees that them just plain ol telling me its block doesnt give us a reason why or with what. Is it reversable?? One good tube should have ended in a pregnancy by now so whats the issue. Now I just have to pick up that cell to make the call.

Mind is on overdrive since Friday...not even my Dr knows how to explain what happened. Or why it happened? I can't find anything online about other people who have experienced this. On Friday I went in for my last sonogram to check my follies. I had three follies on my right(good side) and one on the left. The right measured 15 mm, 11mm, & 10mm. My lining was not great either almost at 7 mm. The nurse said given my experience of my lining and follie growing overnight she wasn't worried I wouldn't get to where they wanted me at. She asked me to start taking baby aspirin until my pregnancy test. Also to take my trigger on Saturday at 6pm and come back on Monday at 10am for my IUI.

After work I stopped by and bought new OPKs and the baby aspirin. I took the OPK around 7 something and it was dark but not dark enough to be a +. The following morning I woke up around 6 and took a test and went back to sleep. When I woke up around 10:30 I realized the test I took earlier was + so I took another one and it was definitely +. I called my Drs office and left a vm that I got a + OPK and I was instructed to take Ovidrel at 6 pm. Wanted to know if this would change anything. Well the nurse called me back and said she was going to check with Dr Martin since I did get two + OPKs. I was currently shopping with my mom so i wasn't near home. When Lisa called me back she said to take the trigger ASAP and come in tomorrow for my IUI. I was relieved that they called me back but bummed out that my body geared up to O when my follicles weren't mature enough and my lining was a bit thin. I don't understand how this happened. DH and I had intercourse on Thursday and Friday even though the nurse advised not to have intercourse Friday. I was just to turned on to say no to DH. Making it only one day of no intercourse. Which brings us to our next problem. DH provided his lowest sample EVER. He is usually close to 40ml and today was 14ml. He said I was rushing him which got him upset that he couldn't do it. But who knows it could be that he only had one day of abstaining.

I want to consider this cycle a bust even though I know I shouldn't until I get a - HCG test, which will not be until April 8th. I guess this is a sign to really think about IVF instead of wasting time. My body doesn't seem to be responding well to Clomid. During the procedure today Dr Martin asked DH to hold my hand. I think he thought this cycle was a bust. I told him I had O the night before due to my temp rising. He said that if I did my egg should still be hanging around my Fallopian tube ready to be fertilized. He didn't know how to explain why my body surged so early and went to say that women always tend to surprise you. BOO! That didn't give me a peace of mind. I know last time it seemed that my follie grew tremendously overnight and my lining too. But idk if that is what happened this time around. I had no u/s to confirm anything.

I'm over this!!

Before a nurse came in to get me to go over my results from my u/s I heard them talking outside. I could not make out what they were saying but I sensed some sort of bad news coming my way. They were being sickly nice to me that I knew right there and then the news they will deliver was not something I would be able to process. I was left in the conference room to wait for the nurse to come and explain my results. I heard them call the doctor to the conference room so my heart stopped. Well that call wasn't for me but it still didn't ease the punch in the gut when the nurse delivered the news. SO HERE GOES IT!

The reason for my failed IUI cycle was due to me O from my left Ovary. You are probably wondering why it matters what side I O from. Well my left tube is completely BLOCKED. I felt numb when she told me. I think she saw it on my devastating look. A blank stare with a slight smirk on my face. How can this happen? I mean everything I have read about what causes blocked tubes does not fit me. I can go on about this but the reality has to sink in. I have one good tube which I am going to cherish the rest of my life, of course. As long as it corporates. I was glad I didn't break into tears right there and then. But once I opened my car door they streamed down my face. I couldn't call J. 1. Because I knew he was sleeping and needed his rest 2. I needed to stop wasting time and get back to work 3. I didn't want to get all whined up in this emotion while I was driving. So I sucked it up text J a sad face and went on with my day.

Where does this leave me treatment wise? Well the nurse still thinks I shouldn't jump into IVF so soon. She thinks I have a chance with just my right tube. From today's u/s it shows that my right ovary is being the dominant one this cycle. Two potential antrafollicles. One measuring 12 & another @ 13mm. Praying to God that it remains that way!!! Have another u/s on Friday to see how those precious eggs are doing.

I am trying my best to stay optimistic through this horrendous news. In reality I just want to get this over with and jump into the IVF wagon. I want my baby and I feel like the odds are not in my favor if we can't control my right ovary to O every cycle. I am thankful that I did not end up with a cyst or something from having a blocked tube.

Friday was my appointment for my HSG. I took the valium 45 minutes before my appointment time. I was a bit skeptic on taking it because everyone made it same I would be HIGH or something. (The only time I have seen anyone on valium was on the movie "Death at a funeral") Now I know movie = acting but that still didnt put me at ease. Since my mother was there with me I felt more comfortable taken it. While I waited for them to get the room ready the nurse asked if I wanted someone to wait with me. So I asked my mom to come in and wait. She is still trying to understand this whole process and I wouldn't hold it against her if she doesn't. Just walking in this new location I felt a lot better, not sure if it was the valium or I was really at peace. Even the inside was a lot better than the other one. I layed there basically lifeless not even thinking about if they are going to be able to do it or not. A sense of tranquility ran through my whole body. The Dr even had to ask if I felt what he was doing. The answer to that was no. Good news is that he didn't say those words, "I can't do it." He said my cervix is narrow so he couldnt get the catheter all the way through my cervix only half ways. They made me roll from side to side while taking the x-rays. After the procesure the nurse said that some of the dye might spill out but if it doesn't not to worry it will be absorb by my body and I will pee it out. Bad news is I didn't get the results that same day so I am in wonderland right now. All the Dr said was goodluck to me. Which I can either perceive it as he didn't see anything that is affecting me or he saw something and felt amiss to not say anything. I reached out to one of the nurses to let her know that I didn't get the results and wanted to know before my appointment on Tuesday. She said they usually don't send the report that same day but will keep an eye out so she can reach out to me.

I was expecting to at least get some good news so I can feel content during the weekend. Instead I was a BIG EFFIN MESS! Last cycle I didn't have many s/e from the clomid besides hot flashes. This cycle I was extremely emotional. I don't know if I have been bottling up my emotions lately but they came out for sure this weekend. J was a trooper about it and got me back to were I needed to be. On friday we had a BBQ at my parents house and later that night it got turned into a birthday celebration for one of our friends. Anyhoo, I was already upset about something so pitiful. That when my brother made a smart remark I lashed out on him...which caused someone else to say "Damn I guess its that time of the month." Which got me more infuritated that I lashed out again. J wasn't home from work yet so I felt defenseless. I texted him that I just couldn't stand these people anymore and I wanted to go home. He called me right away that I stepped outside and started sobbing. He calmed me down and told me to ignore everyone and just have a good time. I of course couldn't do that. I went home and J went to talk to me, he convinced me to go sit by him so he can teach me how to play poker. Once the game was over I stuck to him like glue. Then I realized I was probably suffocating him. So I left home again and decided I needed to sleep it off. Like always I couldn't, J finally came home and I vented my ass off while crying. I never ever seen him speak in the manner he did that night. Heck! I knew this journey was tough to deal with and it struck me by surprise to hear him say we are going to be parents. It's no ones business to be asking "what's wrong with me?" "Is what you guys going through affecting her?" etc. Apperantly people are asking J about our treatment and he refuses to talk about it. So the next day I asked my mom if I was out of hand? Bitchy? She told me I was in my right sense to say the things I said to not worry about it. She had spoken to my younger brother about watching what he says or the way he says things because he sounds demanding sometimes. Ofcourse after my emotional breakdown some of my family member who I vented to decided to check up on me to make sure I was feeling better. Needless to say I was doing A-OK the next morning.

That same day I found out my SIL was not expecting after all. She just had her IUD removed in January and is now actively trying. Since then she hadn't had a menstrual cycle so she assumed she was pregnant. B/W and ultrasound confirmed its just a hormonal imbalance. I can't say I am happy about this...I don't wish infertility on anyone. I told her that since she didn't have a menstrual cycle while using the IUD that she might want to use Vitex to regulate her cycle. She thanked me for giving her the advice but I know deep down inside she is not going to go get it. Why would she listen to an infertile person like moi? eh? Oh well I attempted to help.

Crossing my fingers that I hear something today about my HSG results! If not then by tomorrows appointment.

Today is such a beautiful day outside, it's finally starting to feel like spring!! I am seeing colors all around. The two big pots I have by my front door have bloomed roses. At first I was like yay spring ! then the cold stuck around and it seems to have packed its bags to hopefully hibernate for a while. Well fx that it stays away. Spring brings new life and happiness into this world. So it was no surprise when I heard baby Anthony had arrived. B, my dearest friend who I love like my own sister, has brought her second son into this world. When I first heard she was pregnant I surprisingly wasn't as affected as I thought I would be. Maybe it's the relationship we have that allowed me to see things in a different perspective. She was kind enough to tell me before announcing it so I truly appreciate her. The electrifying feeling I felt when I heard the news is something I would cherish forever. So I want to dedicate this post to my dearest frinno Becca and her new baby boy Anthony. No matter the outcome of my journey I will never see u with envy or bitterness. You've been a wonderful friend who has shown me you're all ears when I need a shoulder to lean on.

After contemplating over and over again if I should give it another try this cycle or allow nature to take its course. I made the decision to move forward, pick myself up to try again. I received a call from one of the nurses asking what my plans were for this cycle. I told her I didn't feel like jumping to IVF after one failed attempt of IUI it just didn't seem reasonable. Sure I can go into this blindfolded again to see if IVF does get me knocked up. What if it does? Then what? I have my baby and wonder if I have to go through this again because my tubes may possibly be blocked? I don't think so. I can't do that to myself. We agreed on another round of Clomid + Ovidrel + IUI. I went in yesterday for my baseline u/s, all clear!! Good to start meds. Nurse Irene didn't know if Dr. M wanted to increase my dosage of the clomid so I left without that prescription. Although, I did leave with three other perscriptions. 1. Antibiotics for HSG 2. Ovidrel 3. Valium. Before I left I asked Irene if she recommended taking a valium before the HSG. Without hesitation she said YES. Given my experience I immediately asked for one. I was planning on coming straight to work after the HSG but since the valium is going to tag along I took the day off. Since we have our vacation plans for this summer I was hoping to avoid using so much time off of work. If this is another unsuccessful HSG I am going to cry my ass off. Wasted hours. One less day in La La land. *sigh*

So anyhoo, Dr. M decided to increase my dosage to 100mg of clomid this cycle. I hope my body responds better than the 50mg. I will be taking it CD5-9, starting yesterday, then going in on the 19th of March for an u/s. This cycle I want to vow that I will not google anything to do with infertility. 100% focused, calm, intrigued on everything else around me that is not TTC related. Maybe I shall go shopping for my dress and shoes for my brother's wedding. Which happens to be in a bit over a month from now. I should technically already have this stuff with being the M.O.H I just can't find interest in it right now. Can't focus! Can't relax! I see pregnant women everywhere! I need a movie night with a nice dinner (of course with some wine) just so I can give my full devoted attention to my wonderful husband who has had to deal with my emotional rollercoaster.


Side rant: There's this young lady who is about 3-4 months pregnant and is getting on my nerves constantly. I dont know if I am just bitter or IDK what it is about her. She annoys me.

I try my best not to beat myself up about the things that go on around me. It's difficult sometimes but I know if I just pretend not to hear or feel a certain way about something or someone it gets a bit easier. Sometimes you can't control who's in your life and it shouldn't matter as long as that person is happy. Anyhow, it was my one and only dazzling niece's birthday this weekend. She finally turned 3 so don't let her size fool you. She can keep up with her sisters and her uncle who are around 7-8 yrs of age. She's a BIG girl! One day she told she was already considered a big girl cause she can break a flavored ice pop in half with her knee. I tried so hard to keep my laugh in until she didn't realize I was laughing at what she said. I find that she always lightens up my mood when I am down about something.

During her birthday celebration J and I were talking about his sister M's wedding. We decided we would go a weekend before her wedding so we can go to Vegas for the weekend and then relax the week before her wedding. Just to truly enjoy our vacation. AND of course for my 24th birthday celebration!! So indeed I got excited that I started reaching out to our friends and family to see who would love to join us. As the responses started coming in I was over joyed that so many friends and family were willing to go celebrate with us. After all it's not often that we go down to California to visit. And BAM! Just like that my excitement was over. I really wish it wasn't that I oils just pick up that excitement from wherever I left it at and move on with my life. J has 5 sisters that I love to death. They have treated me like family and we have had our heart to heart moments. I invited his youngest sister to go with us, since we are a bit closer in age. She was quick to reply and immediately said YES! Before dropping the bomb on me..."Yeah we are down to go thats if im not preggers then lol going to d doc tomorrow keeping my fingers crossed ;)" of course that emoticon just made everything a bit less painful. NOT! Without hesitation I shoved my phone in J's face and all I could say is look! He didn't say much just "oh well" since we've been trying there has been 3 pregnancies in his family. Two of them probably planned it and luckily they got pregnant the same month. I say probably because they baptized each others kids. The second I have a theory.. Lol! Just a theory. She fell pregnant after we had gone down there for the holidays. During that trip we had openly discussed our plan to TTC. I believe she got pregnant with the intention that we would have a child close in age. I was one of the first ppl to find out before she announced it to anyone, before any of her sisters knew. She did ask if we had conceived yet. So my theory might of been correct. Now the youngest is probably pregnant already or will get pregnant very soon. Don't get me wrong I am truly happy for her. She deserves this as much as any of us do. I love her like my own sister and couldn't be anymore excited for her. But then the selfish part of me comes along and says wtf my son/daughter won't have any cousins close in age. Of course from his side of the family. My side I'm not that worry about. I knew J's reaction was more than an "Oh well." For once I saw the same pain in his eyes, the pain I have felt from watching pregnant women all around me. We will get through this and I know God will bring us our lil bundle of joy.

And just like I suspected. NEGATIVE. I think the nurse was more heartbroken than I was. Which got me thinking if I had became numb to all this. Then I realized that after seeing negatives for a good 3 years was enough to see it as just that, a negative. Nurse Lindsey brought up Dr. Martin's recommendations on IVF and surprisingly agreed that it was to soon for me to go down that route. I asked her about some of the radiologist Dr. Martin and Dr Neal mentioned so I can investigate if my insurance would cover it. I am on a mission to find out if indeed there is something going on with my tubes. Lindsey said once I call her back on cycle day 1 she will have that info ready for me. I also plan on asking her about a possible dilemma with my TSH. Even though my results came back at 2.26 my aunt who is currently under care for her thyroid, amongst other things,told me her Dr would consider my results to be mild thyroid. I looked up the symptoms for thyroid and realized I have a few. I am always cold regardless if others are warm around me. My hair tends to "shed" way more than I like it to. My eyes are always feeling itchy swollen just plain ol' uncomfortable at times. I become fatigue during the day even though I got plenty of sleep the night before. And of course irregular periods + infertility. This made me recall all those times I would go to the Drs when I was in HS and even afterwards, to complain about being tired all the time, back pain, and irregular cycles. Of course everyone dismissed me and said I wasnt being active enough and I needed to be put on BCP. Smmh!It becomes disheartening to know that maybe there was an issue that could have been resolved way back then before I even started on this journey.

I couldn't bare to tell my mother it was a failed attempt. I was afraid to see her reaction...just writing this post I feel like I am about to burst into tears. Knowing that she wants me to have a child of my own so she can help me raise them pains me even more. She always tells me "your son's kids are not your own, your daughter's kids are like your own." At first I was a bit confused about this but I came to realize what she meant by it. The feeling doesn't get any easier when both parents start talking about plans with my future kids. I am their only daughter making this process a lot harder. Giving up is not an option for me. I want this as much as they do, probably even more. Even if nothing works I want to be able to say I tried, I truly tried.

A test does not need to confirm what my heart and body already know. I went into this cycle blind folded and letting others lead the way. I guess I wanted to believe that this is all I needed after NTNP for 2 years & 3 years of trying. I can write about life not being fair but in reality we all know that already. You guys don't need me to remind you of something you deal with every time a cycle is over. This weekend J & I went baby shopping for one of our good friends. They are having their second child at the end of this month. I truly am happy for them but a part of me still wonders "Why can't I just get at least one?" The stuff is stil in my place cause I have to ship it out to California. Looking at it makes my heartache that I may never see those things in my home unless it's for someone else. I hate being pessimistic but it might be reality. I want to rollover and give up on this journey. There has been so many heartaches and disappointments that for once I want to get over this obsession of becoming a mother. It has been consuming me to the point that J feels like everything in our relationship is about timing. I need to wake up from this dream to start focusing on the one person I do have infront of me. My husband! The person who got up and left everything behind for ME! I use to think "HEY, I did the same for you when my parents first moved out of state." Its selfish of me to think that way so I need to change my attitude for the best. J has been trying to get me through this only to realize I might be the only that can help myself at this point.

Tomorrow I go in for my blood test to confirm I am not pregnant. I really hope AF doesn't take her time to show her ugly face. I want to enjoy this weekend without cramps. That beautiful wine bottle sitting on my kitchen counter has been calling out for me. So I might ask J to pop that wine bottle open and we can have some fun while were at it. I invited J out on a date this weekend. He told me to plan it out and he is up for it. At this point I know I should probably start thinking about what is next. I know I might not want to do IVF just yet so this is what I have came up with. I try my best to investigate for a radioligist that my insurance covers, so we can confirm once in for all my tubes arent blocked. I know there arent! I pray to God they aren't! Try another IUI+trigger cycle. If that doesn't work then I will let Dr. M pull out the big guns! I know IVF can be a long process and I wanted to try everything possible to have our bundle of joy here before the year ended. Having a baby during the holidays is kinda amazing! Only if that was in my control. After this cycle I am willing to jump right into the world of IVF to get our bundle of joy(s).