Today was thee day, the day I became PUPO. The day I will remember forever no matter the outcome. Today reassured me that I did the right decision to leave my previous clinic and seek a new one. No regrets. I arrived at the clinic an hour before my appointment for my pre transfer acu session. I felt immediately relaxed and warm. Once that was over I was prepared for my transfer. Of course I forgot to drink water so they kindly gave me some. While J and I were talking Dr K stopped by to check on me. I hadn't seen him since my CD3 u/s and he seemed to be in a jolly mood. I was wearing a charm bracelet that J gave me once we found out our fresh cycle didn't take. He noticed it and smiled he said he got his wife one for Christmas. J personalized the charm bracelet around what we are going through. There's a charm of a baby carriage, a heart with the word peace on it, and a goodluck clove. Of course there's more but just pretty to look at. 

Anyhow, one of the nurses that has been there for me was assisting with the transfer. She came to get me with such a loving emotion. She told me she was extremely happy when she saw me on the list. Once I was all prepared for the Dr to do his job MY nurse, I say my nurse bc she's been there through everything and has never hesitated to do anything for me, came in to say hello and best wishes. She went to get Dr K for us and once he walked in to that room the fun began. I mean who makes you laugh so much when they know you have a full bladder? It got to the point that he said "Alright we should stop making her laugh before we make her pee on us." I honestly thought I was gonna pee right there and then. I love my clinic they really know how to lighten up the mood. Our two embabies were put in and I was sent off to do my acu session in the recovery room. 

J was extremely surprised that people went out of their way to go greet me. When you go to a place consistly these people become like your family. Caring for you shouldn't be a surprise, right? Compared to my last clinic this has truly touched me. There's not a day that I have walked into that clinic and have come out of there in frustration. 

Here's to a good start to 2014! Happy New Year's Eve everyone...hope everyone has a great time. 

Bye bye Christmas! You were such a pleasant surprise this year. I didn't expect you to be full of love this year. You know with me being childless and all? As many of you know my mother in law & brother in law were here for the holiday. At first I was a bit worried being around her. Not because we don't get a long or anything like that. My parents have always raised me to be respectful to others. Well in my pretty little head I think it's respectful to speak Spanish to my mother in law. Simple right? No. Here's the thing I speak more Spanglish than anything. It's kinda embarrassing. She understands and speaks English very well but again I find it respectful to speak in Spanish. 

I finally got over it when I realized she didn't care. That's when the love and bonding time began. When I'm around my mother in law I get all child like. Thoughts like "What if she doesn't like me? "Will she think I'm inappropriate?" Etc. This is kinda funny because she's seen me shitless drunk not once but TWICE! True story. During her visit I helped her make tamales. She showed me how to make some of J's favorite foods. The best part of all she thought me how to make chile! Poor me...I've attempted countless times to make it to no avail. Boo! 

Besides our good bonding we also got to talking about God. She's a very religious lady an I admire her for that. She knows of our struggles and has told me countless times that my child is on its way soon. She's said prayers for us numerous times, once with us there with tears in her eyes. I loved listening to her and admitted it has been hard keeping the faith alive with everything we've been through. As a woman who lost her child at 6 months pregnant she completely understands. Let's just say she made me realize that I am holding back my faith because J is not ready. I on the other hand am ready to surrender my heart and soul to him. It's all in his hands of he wants this upcoming FET to work. If he chooses not to then I understand. Yes I would be heart broken. I'm only human. But in reality...why should I expect what I have not given to him!? I was brought up in a catholic home. I did all my sacraments but I live in sin. I'm not married to J. In Gods eyes that is a sin. Do I wanna get married? Of course we do. Why wouldn't we? We can make many excuses as to why we haven't done it but it won't justify the fact that it's not done. 

In the mist of all this she talked to J about me and how much she loves me. How I'm such a good person and that whenever he is ready or were ready that we should take that next step. I almost cried hearing her say she loves me. I'm telling u I have these childish thoughts sometimes. 

This was the first year that J's mom has spent Xmas with my family. Besides the coldness she wasn't use to I think she liked it. The brother in law didn't want to leave. He begged her to let him stay. That of course didn't work in his favor. Al though I didn't ask for anything this year J surprised me with lovely gifts. It made my day to see him overjoyed to be with his mom and brother this Christmas. 

Update: Last ultrasound was on 12/20 an my lining was at 8mm. I started P shots the day after Christmas. With my luck J left to work early today and forgot to give me my shot. I obviously failed at trying to give it to myself. I rushed over to the clinic and asked if they can kindly give it to me. After work I went back to clinic for my acupuncture session and the weirdest thing happened. My body wa going into deep sleep.. How do I know this?? I start to twitch for some reason. Hahaha! Weird I know. Then all of a sudden I wake up with this weird feeling in my stomach. I couldn't bare to lay down anymore. I told the acupuncturist when she came in and she said she put the needles at points that caused blood flow to the uterus. Could it be a rush of blood?? I don't know. I was relieved when it went away. Hahaha! 

I'll leave you with a pic of my parents and my older brother and of course me. 

It's official I'm not a great blogger. I disappear here and there because I feel like I have nothing to say. In reality it comes down to my laziness. Sigh! I promise to try harder. 

Despite the struggle of dealing with infertility this holiday season has proven that there is such a thing as "Holiday Miracles". My mother got her prayer answer this holiday season. We tell her this is her holiday miracle. She prayed for her son to be released from house arrest before the holidays. Unfortunately my younger brother lost his teenage years because of drugs and got himself in trouble. After many years he was released on house arrest for a year. I'm happy to say he got his shit together and proofed me wrong. Since I'm the only girl I tend to over critique my brothers' behaviors. I don't know why I've always been that way. Maybe it's the love I have for them? I'm truly happy that he will be spending the holiday with us, unlike thanksgiving. 

Another miracle...which is my fav!! We've lived in Texas for 3 years now and J's family hasn't graced us with their presence as of yet. Besides his younger brother and his cousin. Every year when we make the trip to California to visit they talk about wanting to come. One day! Well I was tired of hearing excuses. J has been extremely home sick an missing his family. So the wonderful wife that I am...I thought long and hard about this...the thought came to me sporadically. I invited my mother in law to come stay with us for Christmas. It took some convincing because she didn't want us spending the money. I used the guilt trip "Your son misses you and it would be the best gift ever from me to him if you came".  She budged and agreed. Mission accomplished! I wanted to surprise J but figured I wa better off telling him. His reaction was priceless. I gave him the flight confirmation when he came home. He starred at it. Confused. Then with excitement aske if we were going to California. I frowned. Told him to look closer. His jaw dropped and I saw this fear in his face. 

"My mom is coming?" - J

"Yes(big smile)!" - Me

"Omg! What did you tell her to convince her. You must of lied to her. Did you tell her I was being mean or acting up? Tell me!" - J

(Laughing) "Geez I thought you would be more excited. She agreed to come spend Christmas with us because you're her son and she loves/misses you." - Me

After his paranoia he became excited. We even agreed on flying his younger brother out as well. Little family reunion. J was bad growing up so his mom always got on him. He even jokes around saying he feels bad for me if we have a boy that takes after him. (Eep!)

J and I have been discussing wether to transfer two or one this time around. Dr. K recommended one again but said he will not go against my wishes. My clinic does not strive for twin/multiples pregnancies. If they can accomplish a singleton pregnancy that is their preference. This decision has been irking me. I relayed all the risks to J about transferring two and we toggled the idea of one for awhile. Ultimately our hearts said go with two because obviously one didn't cut it last time. I was a bit scared to tell Dr K that we will be going against his recommendations. So what do I do?? I reache out to my nurse. Like always she came to my rescue. She spoke to the embryologist and said they agree with me on transferring two! She went ahead on writing two on my chart for this coming FET. Did I mention she is the best!!?? She checks on me every once in awhile just to make sure I am doing ok emotionally. 

It's been very difficult keeping this from my mother. She's my greatest advocate but I just couldn't put her through the emotional roller coaster again. Or us, dealing with the constant questioning from family. She knows I am doing acupuncture but that's about it. 

Acupuncture has been great. I enjoy it. It helped with the horrible headaches I was getting from Lupron. Since we don't know what time my FET will be they scheduled me for my pre session the day before in the evening in case it's before the time they get in. Although he assured me that if I really wanted to have it that day he will have someone come in that same morning. Love their flexibility! 

Counting down the days until my FET. There's been a lot of wonderful BFP announcements. So ladies send those good vibes my way.