Keep a Song in Your Heart

"Even though this is hard, even though I dont understand it, even though it's not fair, I'll keep a good attitude and stay full of joy, knowing that this is not setting me back. It is setting me up for God to bring me through to the other side of this in an even better position." - Joel Osteen, Every Day A Friday.

I happened to come across this quote in his book after learning that our pregnancy was a blighted ovum. It really moved me in ways I could not explain in words. Somehow it allowed me to find peace in all this. Don't get me wrong, I'm still human. Tears still seem to make their appearance once in awhile. For the mere fact that this was my first pregnancy, a pregnancy that I will never forget. I didn't realize how much it could affect me to be so close to something I've always wanted and just like that a dark cloud seemed to destroy it. My meltdowns appear at night when I am all alone. Sometimes I find myself calling J just to cry hysterically because I want someone to feel my pain. Each day I find a way to move forward...to focus on the future not in the past.

"...You have to let go of the bad, hang on to the good, and keep moving forward your goal."-Joel Osteen

During this roller coaster of emotions I not only found comfort in his book but also a song that I never heard and instantly fell in love with. Kutless- "What Faith Can Do"



I dont usually listen to this genre but something in my heart lead me to it. Everyday is a new day that I wake up and give thanks for what I do have in my life. Sure there will be days where we have to wear a smile on our faces to hide our emotions. What I've noticed? The more you do it the more your mind starts believing it and you start to feel better.

What has this thought me? Besides learning that it could hurt like a motha...well in all honesty...it made me realize how fortunate I am. How can this be? I always woke up feeling like something was missing and as much as I tried I couldn't shake the feeling off. Now I wake up thanking God for giving me the opportunity to breath, walk, see, smell, and to wake up with the man I love by my side. There's so much in our lives that we should be grateful for and we seem to come off as ungrateful. I'm guilty but I also know its not to late to repent and start thanking God for what he has blessed me with.

With IF everything seems like a race. A race with a finish line that got further and further from us whenever a new pregnancy announcement or anything baby related came our way. Why should it feel like a race when those women have no idea they are competing with us? I can guarantee you that they are lacking something that you have plenty of. At first I thought IF was a horrible curse in my life. Now, strangely, I see it as a blessing. What kind of mother would I be if I was a fertile myrtle? I see more than a handful of women that can use a class or two about mothering. I was surprise that J actually agreed with me. He admitted that in a way he is grateful because his perspective has changed throughout our journey. He doesn't know what kind of father he would of been but if he ever gets the opportunity he will always put his future children's needs before his own. He has had his fair share of witnessing bad parenting but reminds me we have no say on how other people treat their kids or dont treat their kids. Sometimes I felt like it was easier to judge because I was bitter. In reality I was seeing what I don't want to become. I would hate if I came home and my children didn't acknowledge me. Or when they felt tired, sick, hungry they went to someone else instead of me. I never understood why children acted the way they did but it all comes down to who shows them love. Isn't that what we all search for in life? Some of you may disagree with me and might think I am ridiculous for having this perspective. Well this is what makes sense to me, what gives me comfort at night, or maybe this is a way for me to try to understand God's plan. Whatever it is it's helping me sleep at night and when the morning comes I feel joy. Joy comes in the morning Psalm 30:5.