Two More Cycles...

Until I get my first chance at an IUI. On December 3rd I went in for my HSG test, as I mentioned on another post, and the doctor was unable to get the catheter through my cervix. I couldn't really tell u how many times he tried because he just kept moving it and I felt so uncomfortable. He finally gave up and said I needed to be dialated of this test was ever going to get done...he will send the results to my RE and see how he wants to proceed. They should receive the results in 24hrs were his last words. More than 24 hours have passed and I hadn't heard back from my RE's office. I gave them a call today to see of they have received the results and what was the next step. I explained to the nurse that they were unable to perform the test cause the catheter wouldn't go through. She said she spoke to Dr. M and the other doctor had called him and told him what happened. Dr. M wants me to go in early morning tomorrow so they can dialate me and then send me off to do the HSG again on the same day.

I was speechless to hear that they couldn't just try the treatment and see how it goes. =[ What if my tubes aren't block or anything? What if my IUI works and I don't have to go the extra mile? I know they won't allow it...but that's my personal opinion. I can't afford to do another HSG again this month. Xmas is on the way and there's money to be spent. My insurance only covers 80% of the test and I had to pay $190 at the appt. I can't cough up almost $200 again. So where does that leave us? I have to wait until next cycle to go through the pain of an HSG/ dialation procedure to even start treatment. My cycles are all wonky and I probably won't be doing my first IUI until the ends of February or beginning of March. So much for being pregnant before my brothers wedding.

DH is feeling very sentimental towards my actions lately. He says I have let all this TTC stuff get to me and he doesn't feel like I love him. I try to tell him that I don't mean to be "bitchy" towards him or anyone else...its just hard for me to keep getting bad news. He tries to understand but he says I need to understand I am not the only one suffering. What to do? I can't control my emotions...I just feel worthless at times. Crying doesn't really help me anymore it just frustrates me more that I see my dream vanishing from my reach. I love DH deeply, I dnt want to hurt his feelings I just need him to love me and show it more than ever.