What Now?

"What Now"

I've been ignoring this big lump in my throat
I shouldn't be crying, tears were for the weaker days
I'm stronger, now what, so I say
But something's missing

Whatever it is, it feels like
It's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is, it's just laughing at me
And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out
What now? Whoa, what now?

Those lyrics explained how I feel right now. Lately I've been ok with pregnancy, newborn announcements but this one cut deep. I should be elated that they are having their second child after trying for three years and 5 years to have their first. In all honesty I am not. My cousin, who I am really close to, is devastated because he thinks the baby is not his. Why? She hasn't been the most faithful wife. They told everyone she was unfaithful with the same sex, after seeing him drink his sorrows and venting to J we realized it might be more than that. I wish I could slap her and give her a piece of my mind but it wouldn't open her eyes. 

She's the same person who has voiced her opinion about us forcing or going through great lengths to have a child. She's the type to say if ur meant to be a parent you will be. She doesn't believe in God or any sort of believe. If she was given two miracles being an alcoholic, why hasn't God blessed us? He knows we can provide better than she can. I was in such a peaceful place in my faith and life I can't allow this news to crumble me. All I can do is wish them the best and let him know we are here for him if he needs to let some emotion out. 

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  1. So sorry you are feeling down. :( I know it's hard when you see others who don't seem to be doing the "right things" get blessed with a child and you are left still longing. ((HUGS))

  2. Ugh, infertility is just so unfair. I'm sorry you're in a tough place right now. :( Blessings to you.

  3. Infertility is extremely unfair and it's announcements like this that sometimes make it even harder. Biggest hugs to you today. xo

  4. Infertility or not. Unfaithfulness is not ok. Ever. I'm sorry you are dealing with those feelings. It's not fair. Any of it. XOXO