Thank you everyone for the well wishes and prayers. It truly means the world to us.

After my last heavy bleed my body has gotten the point to stay put. I'm not saying I haven't bled since then but it's light/spotting type of bleed. As soon as I see red blood I put my feet up to avoid a heavy bleed. So far this has worked wonders for me. Doesn't take long for the bleeding to turn brown and eventually just brown spotting. There's days were I feel pregnancy symptoms and then there's days that they're non existent. I try my best not to read to much into it or else it would add to my anxiety.

Scheduling an appt with an OBGYN was so easy compared go MFM. The specialist that I was referred to was a let down. I did my research on them before even receiving a call and immediately noticed I wouldn't feel comfortable being seen there. Let's just say the Dr doesn't have bedside manners. No thanks! My first conversation with the receptionist was nothing but questioning why I needed to be seen by them. Once we discussed that she said she needed to call me back to run the info by the Doctors. Two days later we played phone tag, more like me trying to get a hold of her, only to be told they weren't going to see me. Excuse me? U need my OB to confirm pregnancy when I've had multiple ultrasounds with my RE? Oh ur trying to say of he thinks it's a viable pregnancy u will consider seeing me but more than likely not because of who my OB is. Interesting. Rude much!? Since I did do my research I immediately called another MFM office and I fell in love without even seeing them. The receptionist was 100% professional and acknowledged my history of losses. Unfortunately since my RE didn't refer me she said ur OB appt is around the corner let them know to send us a referral and we will schedule you right in. Once again she acknowledged how worried I must be but asked me to stay calm as I should be in there care soon. Hopefully.

To our surprise I went a whole week without popping my head in at my REs office. Woohoo me! I was up since 4am...can u say nerves? My mind was going crazy. I convinced myself that since my symptoms were almost non existent something was wrong. Everyone talks about tender/sore breast during pregnancy...I don't experience that I actually only have sore/sensitive nipples. Every morning I wake up and brush my fingers against them to make sure they're still sensitive. Well guess what this morning I didn't feel much. Porque!!?

As soon as we get to the clinic we stay in the waiting area for less than 10mins. Usually once were in a room were seen within 5 the most 10 mins. Today was our lucky day...we sat there for almost 30 and I was ready to grab that wand myself to see what was going on in there. J gave me an aweful look which I knew meant I was acting a bit weird. I asked him of he was nervous. No. Asked him why? This is nothing new. Whatever happens happens. Really? Not even a smidge? Why are u so calm!!! Relax! U will be OK.

Once I realized my Dr wasn't here today I panicked. The last time I had Dr A due an ultrasound was when he bluntly told me not to be telling people I was pregnant because it wasn't looking good. Dejavu? Before I move on to the wonderful news let me just point out that it was the most painful ultrasound ever.

Our little miracle is measuring right on track with a heartbeat of 170bpm. I was amazed at how much it had grown in a week. J even commented on this. My nurse laughed and said I told u it would look a lot bigger. Looks like a gummy bear doesn't it? After the ultrasound Dr A asked how I was feeling as well as any feedback on his staff or clinic. He printed out some ultrasounds for us with a card that had my EDD. The EDD was off by one day since they had it wrong on the machine. He basically graduated me which had me speechless. This wasn't what Dr B told me the prior week. As soon as he left my nurse reassured me I would be coming back. She went off to explain to him they don't release RPL patients until 10 weeks. We have one last appointment on Jan 5th, hopefully with Dr B, then we will be handed off to my OB and praying an MFM. Or Dr B can say one more appointment before I go. Who knows.

My heart is starting to believe but I won't be convinced until the end of first trimester.

I woke up a bit nervous on Friday, I knew I wasn't feeling 100% to go back to work but since my doctor suggested it I gave it a try. Before I left the house I notice my brown discharge was getting heavier. Of course I ignored it since I was told I was going to experience it with lovenox. Fast forward to 6 hours of being at work...a walk to my vehicle and back to the building I felt a gush. I had literately just gone to the restroom and didn't have spotting. My stomach started cramping and became bloated instantly. Off to the restroom I went.

My face went pale white.

I could barely speak.

It took one look for management to realize something was wrong. All that came out of my mouth was "I'm going home."

By the time I arrived home I was drenched in blood. It went through my pad all over my underwear and pants. I cleaned up and went straight to bed to prop my feet up on top of a pillow. Tears were streaming down my face. J was at work for the rest of the night. When I called him he apologized because he couldn't be there with me. J reminded me this has happened before and I should just rest. I told him it felt different it was too much blood and it wouldn't stop. All he could do is reassure me it wasn't our first scare so I needed to relax or I'll make things worst.

Making the decision to wait until our original appointment was a tough one. Ultimately I realized we had just seen our little one the day before so I needed to give it time to see if there's any changes. If our little one wants to stick around he/she would still be there on Monday. I took it easy for the rest of the weekend and by Saturday morning my bleeding had turned to brown spotting again. Monday finally came around and I had to force J to go with me. He had gone to Dallas the night before to see the Cowboys vs Colts game so he didn't get home until midnight. Don't get me wrong I felt bad he wasn't going to get his full rest but the fear of being told our baby was no longer with us alone was far worst to me.

When I got there I told my nurse what had happened so she immediately told Dr B. She was so anxious to see me that I wasn't even ready when she knocked on the door. (I literately hid behind the door screaming I'm not ready.) Hahaha! That was a much needed laugh. She apologized for not looking for the green light indicating I was ready. Dr B was more anxious than me to see our little miracle. My heart started thumping when the magic wand went in. At first I couldn't see the sac and I got scared...but as she started moving it around there it was! She paused turned around to look at J then me with a big smile.

"It's still there! Ur baby is a fighter."

She immediately pointed out the little flickering heart. J immediately said how much faster the heart was flickering. With this comment Dr B let us hear it and that's when my heart and mind felt relieved. I never mentioned this but I was worried the heart beat wasnt getting stronger in a timely manner although Dr B always reassured me it was were it needed to be. At 6+1 it was @ 97.40bpm, @ 6+4 it was @ 109bpm, now @ 7+1 its @ 140bpm.

Once we were done with the ultrasound Dr B pointed out the fact that I was smiling for the first time. She had a serious talk with J & I about understanding how uneasy we are right now. Completely normal with our history. She assured me once I am out of the first trimester I will start to embrace this pregnancy more. I will transform to a different person and the worry will vanish up until I'm ready to pop.

Given the uneventful event I experienced on Friday she decided it was best to apply for disability. We have no idea where the bleeding is coming from and its obvious the more activity I do the worst it gets. They are also referring me to an MFM specialist to oversee my pregnancy. On top of that she recommended an OBGYN to me. I told her I didn't want to go to my regular one because truthfully I just went their for paps and don't like the environment. She was pleased and told me to call today to ensure I get seen sooner rather than later. But to let them know she was recommending me. My nurse said that doctor loves Dr B and treats her patients a lot like she does. Dr B continued to chime in stating his office is a lot like here small and private. I will always deal with the same wonderful people and doctor. As soon as I got home I called and was told first available appointment would not be til second week of January. They put me on hold stating Dr V would probably want to see me sooner than that. When she came back on the phone she stated they are booking me in for the 31st to get the consultantion out of the way. I won't have an ultrasound until later but they want to have everything on file and ready to go for when I see Dr V. Of course before she told me there was no ultrasound she asked if I had one done with Dr B already. Once I said yes she said great they feel more comfortable knowing I will still be in her care til he can see me.

Dr B also assured me they will not release me until I have been seen by both the specialist and Dr V. Our next appointment with Dr B is on monday the 29th. Before I left she did remind me if anything were to come up they will see me right away. Starting to feel hopeful but continuing to guard my heart.

Pregnancy is suppose to be full of joy and excitement. The kind that makes you want to blurt out to a random stranger "I'm PREGNANT!" Guilt fills my heart every time I realize that my own emotions are fear, stress and anxiety. Am I going to continue feeling this way throughout this pregnancy? Sometimes I wish I was oblivious to everything that can go wrong. Its merely impossible to erase my experiences throughout this journey. So the only obvious thing to do is close my eyes and pretend.

I haven't been to work for a week now. Fear gets the best of me that I just can't bring myself to go to work. Tomorrow is a new day and I might give it a try. Yesterday I was having a super lazy day at home. Cooking was probably the only activity I did besides washing dishes. And just like that my body decided to bleed out again. I got ready for bed and decided to call the clinic first thing in the morning. J was detached since the minute he woke up. Not a word was spoken until we arrived at the clinic. Dr B does a great job on keeping my mind at ease. She reminded us that all we can do is take a look and see what's going on. So we did...our little miracle is still trucking along growing with a heartbeat.

There's still no explanation as to why I'm sporadically bleeding. There's no bleeding in my uterus and gestational sac is attached all the way around. Dr B says she has another patitient who was taken off of lovenox due to bleeding. Unfortunately I can't stop or don't want to because I have three major reasons to be on them. Not only that but thanks to these meds this is the farthest we've ever gotten in a pregnancy. So what do we do? We suck it up and take it day by day. I will be having monitoring appts every four days to check on the progress of the baby. Since it seems like every four days my body decides to bleed.

Dr B said if she could bring me in every day she would or if she could have me carry an ultrasound machine with me to ease my mind she would hand it off to me. J of course shook his head in disapproval. She laughed and asked if it was a bad idea. "It will make her a little more crazy," was his response. Every four days it is! Of course Dr B reassured me it's not a bother for me to come in so often and it wouldn't cause any harm to the baby to keep looking. We've been through a lot this year as it is so for now this is the way things will be handled.

My heart sank when I saw blood when I wiped. It wasn't a smudge or spotting IT WAS FULL ON menstrual bleeding. I freaked out and called J to bring me a pad. Tears were not present at the time or for the rest of the night. I was numb. Confused. Why does this keep happening? J was even more confused, he couldn't understand what was going on. He kept asking me why I was bleeding and I felt hopeless.

Was I losing my baby once again? Monday morning couldn't come any quicker. I couldn't even bring myself to call my nurse I just texted her and was told to come in. I waited for J to wake up because I couldn't go to this appointment by myself.

When we arrived my Doctor was doing a retrieval so we were left waiting for a bit. By the time we got to the appointment my bleeding went from bright red to dark brown. Dr B finally came in with worry on her face. I let her know that it was no longer bright red it was now brown discharge. She immediately let me know that was actually good news. She performed an ultrasound and our baby was still there. (Thank you Jesus!) Measuring right on track of 6 weeks 1 day. She pointed out our baby's heart flickering on the screen. We also got to hear it although it was for a couple seconds. Apparently she said with the u/s machine we were using we were really pushing it on hearing a heartbeat this early. They usually try to do it at 6.3 weeks or later to get a better reading.

My eyes filled with tears when she pointed out the heartbeat. She reminded us this is the farthest we have gone and I should believe it's happening. I'm trying, I really am but I feel like now my fear has increased on losing this little one. Were taking it day by day for now. Dr B understands I'm a nervous wreck so she asked me to come back Friday to take another look.

She doesn't know why I bled the way I did. There's no signs of tears or bleeding around the sac. She believes there's a war inside my uterus as far as my antibodies trying to end the pregnancy and the meds working hard to prevent it. But she also mentioned that some women just bleed or have brown discharge while on lovenox and stopping it usually stops it. Lucky for me I can't stop my meds so I just have to brace myself for possible breakthrough bleeding again. Friday seems so far away but I'm praying I make it that far without having any further complications. Although my Dr assured me if it happened again to let them know and they will see me sooner.

After arriving home yesterday I saw an abundance of brown discharge on my undies. It was still there when I wiped. I haven't been feeling well. I get extremely dizzy regardless of what I eat. With this happening I managed to convince myself I was having an ectopic pregnancy. My right side has been hurting non stop, near my belly button.

My mind was thinking of every scenerio possible. I refused to get out of bed in hopes the brown discharge would subside. Those sudden pains would come and go. At 7:30 am I called my nurse and she asked me  to come in for a check up. After arriving there I expected them just to do blood work and send me on my way only to have a stressful weekend. That wasn't the case...they immediately called me in asked me to empty my bladder and they will be with me shortly.

Dr B poked her head to my room and asked what was going on. I explained to her what I was experiencing trying my best to hold back my tears. Unfortunately J was at work til 5 am so he wasn't with me. Ultrasound showed no blood in my uterus or around gestational sac. What we did see was our miracle baby fighting hard to hold on...measuring exactly 5 weeks 6 days. This is when the tears started flowing because I've never seen THIS! Its always been empty sacs. Dr B is making the assumption my body was just expelling old implantation blood. My UTI seems to disappear and then come back. Given that the antibiotics aren't strong enough I might have to continue on them to male sure the infection doesn't cause anymore irritation to my bladder. For now Dr B is holding on to hope as I will continue to worry maybe until we hear our baby's heartbeat or maybe until he/she is moving noticeably inside me.

We go back Wednesday in hopes to hear a heartbeat. Thank u everyone for the well wishes please keep praying this little miracle keeps fighting.

I guess the body wants what the body wants... And my body doesn't want this pregnancy. I wish I could hold on to hope but I've been down this rode before and I know where its leading to.

One day but that day isn't today. Wish u would hold on little one but if u don't u will have good company up in heaven.

It seems that my body and mind like to play games with me. How could've I not figured this out sooner? I knew there was something odd about my spotting. Things didn't feel right it felt like the witch was on its way. Once that subsided the symptoms became evident there was another culprit. Yup I have a lovely UTI!

By Thursday the pain became unbearable and just like that it hit me. I grabbed my phone texted my nurse and demanded an appt for the next day. OK, ok didn't have to demand I simply asked if I could stop by the following day. That morning I noticed blood on my pantyliner and I became nervous. I mentioned it to the nurse and as soon as those words left my mouth another nurse yelled, "There's blood in her urine sample. Definitely an infection."

You mean I could have been bleeding all along because my body was trying to tell me something? Apparently this isn't the first time I developed one. During my last miscarriage I also went in because I was uncomfortable. Lab results showed I had a bacteria infection and no one told me anything! Now I'm wondering if it ever left in the first place.

Antibiotics and cranberry juice it is! I'm hoping I can clear this up soon and I don't have to be in so much pain. At first I thought this was going to put my mind at ease (laughing) not even one bit. My acupuncturists asked me of I was stressed after feeling my pulse. I couldn't lie...I've been a little over the edge. I even developed major insomnia which doesn't help.

9 more days until the fate of this pregnancy is revealed.

After a rough start my body seems to be recognizing this pregnancy. My spotting has completely stopped, slight cramping here and there but nothing to alarming. At this point we've decided that it is safe for me to go back to work. A part of me is developing anxiety going back but it must be done.

We're not out of the woods yet and I don't think we will until I get to see my baby on the ultrasound. I fear to see an empty sac again. My mind is raising thinking it will happen again. I try my best to be positive but I'm trying to guard my heart. Blood results revealed pregnancy is progressing as it should, levels went from 340 to 1060. My thyroid levels did rise but still within range, it went from .4 to 1.4.

We have another two week wait ahead of us before my heart can find peace. For now I will indulge in some acupuncture.

This post is suppose to be filled with joy and excitement. Instead I have been hesitant to write this post. Let's start at the beginning...

At 4DP5DT I felt horrendous cramps that shot down my back and legs. I managed to sleep it off and the following day I felt fine until the day progressed. I began feeling like my period was coming. I woke up at 2:30am at 6DP5DT about to burst. I decided to POAS only to see a BFN. My heart sank, my body felt numb, I felt devastated. I stayed up an hour staring at that stick. After a while I convinced myself I saw a line, possibly an evap but I saw it. J of course told me to go back to sleep because I was going crazy he didn't see anything. I kept getting this nagging feeling to test again before we headed off to celebrate Thanksgiving. This time around he saw a 2nd line so we left it at that. The following day We would know if it was a fluke. 

7dp5dt we had confirmed FET 4 worked. I texted my nurse and moved my beta from Tuesday to Monday. Soon after I started spotting. This spotting was odd- I didn't even think it was spotting til the following day. I started getting bad cramps and a feeling my period was going to appear any minute. Again I didn't consider it spotting til I felt off. My right side near my belly button started hurting (I usually get this before a miscarriage). My world fell apart just imagining another loss. 

When I went in for blood work today I talked to my Dr. I couldn't even start talking without sobbing. She pulled me into her office and attempted to calm me down. I described every little detail I felt and was already expecting another loss. She couldn't give me a definete answer as to what was happening. I could see in her eyes she wanted to make everything better but didn't know how. She admitted the medication I was already on would be the only thing she had to prevent miscarriages. If there was another drug she would give it to me instantly. After I wiped my tears away she looked at me and said, "I've never seen you so emotional. This is a good thing. Must be pregnancy hormones rising in your body." She said depending on my results she would probably add vaginal suppositories. In the state that I was in I even considered a leave of absence from work. She was hesitant only for the sole purpose that I would stress out more just laying around. For now that is still up in the air. She did ask me to take a couple days off to rest and see of the spotting subsides. 

At 11am Dr B called and my heart sank. Drs only call if there's bad news. She immediately informed me not to freak out she was calling because she wanted to personally deliver the news herself. My beta came back at 340 and my progesterone at 40. No need for extra suppositories. We won't know if this pregnancy is progressing until Wednesday. Even with this news J and I are on pins and needles. J is having a harder time embracing the little good news we received. It breaks my heart to see him act like this pregnancy is not going to last. Though I would be a hypocrite if I said I had faith it was going to last. One day at a time... Today we are pregnant, what about tomorrow? 

*excuse typos used my phone

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