"Even though this is hard, even though I dont understand it, even though it's not fair, I'll keep a good attitude and stay full of joy, knowing that this is not setting me back. It is setting me up for God to bring me through to the other side of this in an even better position." - Joel Osteen, Every Day A Friday.

I happened to come across this quote in his book after learning that our pregnancy was a blighted ovum. It really moved me in ways I could not explain in words. Somehow it allowed me to find peace in all this. Don't get me wrong, I'm still human. Tears still seem to make their appearance once in awhile. For the mere fact that this was my first pregnancy, a pregnancy that I will never forget. I didn't realize how much it could affect me to be so close to something I've always wanted and just like that a dark cloud seemed to destroy it. My meltdowns appear at night when I am all alone. Sometimes I find myself calling J just to cry hysterically because I want someone to feel my pain. Each day I find a way to move forward...to focus on the future not in the past.

"...You have to let go of the bad, hang on to the good, and keep moving forward your goal."-Joel Osteen

During this roller coaster of emotions I not only found comfort in his book but also a song that I never heard and instantly fell in love with. Kutless- "What Faith Can Do"

I dont usually listen to this genre but something in my heart lead me to it. Everyday is a new day that I wake up and give thanks for what I do have in my life. Sure there will be days where we have to wear a smile on our faces to hide our emotions. What I've noticed? The more you do it the more your mind starts believing it and you start to feel better.

What has this thought me? Besides learning that it could hurt like a motha...well in all honesty...it made me realize how fortunate I am. How can this be? I always woke up feeling like something was missing and as much as I tried I couldn't shake the feeling off. Now I wake up thanking God for giving me the opportunity to breath, walk, see, smell, and to wake up with the man I love by my side. There's so much in our lives that we should be grateful for and we seem to come off as ungrateful. I'm guilty but I also know its not to late to repent and start thanking God for what he has blessed me with.

With IF everything seems like a race. A race with a finish line that got further and further from us whenever a new pregnancy announcement or anything baby related came our way. Why should it feel like a race when those women have no idea they are competing with us? I can guarantee you that they are lacking something that you have plenty of. At first I thought IF was a horrible curse in my life. Now, strangely, I see it as a blessing. What kind of mother would I be if I was a fertile myrtle? I see more than a handful of women that can use a class or two about mothering. I was surprise that J actually agreed with me. He admitted that in a way he is grateful because his perspective has changed throughout our journey. He doesn't know what kind of father he would of been but if he ever gets the opportunity he will always put his future children's needs before his own. He has had his fair share of witnessing bad parenting but reminds me we have no say on how other people treat their kids or dont treat their kids. Sometimes I felt like it was easier to judge because I was bitter. In reality I was seeing what I don't want to become. I would hate if I came home and my children didn't acknowledge me. Or when they felt tired, sick, hungry they went to someone else instead of me. I never understood why children acted the way they did but it all comes down to who shows them love. Isn't that what we all search for in life? Some of you may disagree with me and might think I am ridiculous for having this perspective. Well this is what makes sense to me, what gives me comfort at night, or maybe this is a way for me to try to understand God's plan. Whatever it is it's helping me sleep at night and when the morning comes I feel joy. Joy comes in the morning Psalm 30:5.

Lately I don't know how to express my emotions. Most of the time I am fine and then there's days where I begin to think about our little one that my eyes swell up with tears. Am I suppose to say it's not fair or why us? But those words never come out. Those words are not even on my mind. Is it because I have accepted the fact that there was nothing we could have done to change the outcome? Or has God kept a good eye on me? People might make the assumption that this hasn't affected me at all. I seem 100% normal. I might play the part but deep down I'm hurting. I just can't be mad or cry out to God, "Why me?" I don't believe he had anything to do with it. I believe he has held my hand during this time. Could it be that he is the reason I am so calm? Almost at peace? 

I know our angel baby is in a better place. I know he/she knows how much he/she was wanted. Now we need to remind ourselves that "Hey! After 5 years of no pregnancies I got PREGNANT!" Gasp! It's weird to see it in that perspective but that's the only thing that makes me feel comforted. 

Everyone at the clinic has been amazingly supportive. Which I am extremely grateful for. When we found out our pregnancy was a blighted ovum the Dr understood I was not emotionally capable of discussing the situation. He allowed us to go see him the following day so we can have an in depth discussion. I have to admit he was a bit worried that I would have an emotional breakdown again. When he saw that I was ok and smiling with J he acknowledge it. I told him I couldn't dwell on things I couldn't change even if I wanted to. Now it's time to explore our next steps and where this leaves us. We discussed the possibility of bad egg quality, which he doesn't believe it is a factor. We also talked about possibly testing the embryos to see if in fact they have any abnormalities, he didn't think this was something we needed to jump into right away. Given the fact that we run the risk of losing all our embryos. He did have to admit that it is a bit strange that we have transferred three already and two embryos didn't take and the other didn't develop. Again he insist we wait because it can be as simple as bad luck. I of course questioned the possibility of scarring and he smiled saying, "Good question. Since the procedure will be done here by an RE you have 2-3% of scarring. If you would of have it with an OBGYN your percentage would go up, only because they can be a bit more abrasive." He recommended we do our surgery on a Thursday so I can have 4 days off to heal. Luckily my old Dr is back from maternity leave and she is there on Thursdays.  After we asked everything we were concerned about he said in regards to giving it a go again was truly up to us. He can start as soon as my next cycle makes it's grand entrance. We were on our way out and the nurse told me the appointment was a free consult not to worry about a thing. 

Thursday came around and Deep down I was hoping Dr B would be the surgeon. It was strangely my lucky day because she did the procedure. Before of course she went to go see since I haven't seen her since September 2013. She almost made me cry when her eyes got watery as she expressed her sadness towards our situation. She's been amazing since I had my first consult with her and it was reassuring to see that she really cared. 

Procedure was done in less than 15 but since I hadn't gotten much sleep it took them a while to wake me up. Oops! Who knew anesthesia could knock you out completely if you haven't slept much. When we finally arrived home I found the sweetest card in the mail. Guess from who? My clinic!! They sent a sweet lovely card signed by everyone. Tears were unavoidable. We won't know the results of the genetic testing for about two or three weeks. Tomorrow I will have my first  blood draw to check where my HCG levels are. They were at 12,600 6 days before  procedure. 

Yesterday I went to my acu session to relax and just de-stress. They were also very sad to hear the news and said the session was on them. Again majorly grateful to have this amazing support. 

Anyway, one thing I have been researching is my thyroid issue. I didn't have a thyroid problem before I got pregnant. Once I was they supposedly went all coocoo and they put me on synthyroid. Well Dr Google (my nemesis) showed me a couple of postings where ladies have experience blighted ovums more than once because of their untreated thyroid. Which leaves me with the question: could my untreated thyroid have caused it? I know there's no scientific evidence of why blighted ovums happen. But this surely can't be a coincidence, can it?? Stupid me thought that stopping all meds was including synthyroid. Boy did they yell at me when I told them I had stopped taking it. Apparently they won't let me even try another FET if my levels don't come down to their liking. I haven't asked my Dr about my assumptions but I plan to when I get the results from our D &C. 

As for now I just have to continue what I am doing and hope my levels come down quicker rather than later. 

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