I have been preoccupied with school work. YES I said school work! I finally got off my ass and did something rather than concentrating on TTC. So far things have been going smoothly. My current class requires a lot of writing, no its not an english class, which I am surprisingly enjoying it. My first essay was already graded. AND GUESS WHAT?! I got an A. I was so please with myself because I hadn't written an essay in over 2 years. After seeing my grade I jumped right into finishing my other essay, since I have three more due by the 31st. At first I figured it will be overwhelming for me. Then I came to realize it's actually easing my frustration with not being able to conceive or start treatment.

Speaking of treatment...my RE or a nurse never called me after my 2nd unsuccessful HSG. I usually reach out to them so I can know what is going on. This time I decided to wait to call them on CD1 so I wont feel discourage on how slow this process is going. I am going to ask if they perform Femvue so I wont have to go through the HSG again. Seems like a less complicated way to check if tubes are opened. Hopefully they can give me an alternative. The funny thing is that they never called me with Dr. M's recommendations but they did reach out to me for payment. Oh so you can bug me about DH's SA payment that was done almost 5 months but you are just notifying me that it wasnt paid? I dont have an issue with paying them. It just bugs me that when it comes to their needs they call you immediately. (OH wait they didnt call they emailed for me to call.) HAHAHA! Sounds like I am complaining about this office. It is a great place...everyone is extremely friendly when you are there. BUT when you are not you have to leave VM to get a call back. Now do you see why I decided agaisnt calling them until CD1?

Anywho, I was fairly optimistic up until yesterday. I wouldn't say I was having symptoms...more like changes. My BB definitly grew a bit. I couldn't stop staring at them because they appeared fuller and bigger. This time around I didn't mention it to DH bc knowning him he will just say with "You are seeing things. They look the same to me." LOL! I began to have an obsession with looking at them before I showered up until yesterday. Now its apparent they are back to normal. BUMMER! I was beginning to enjoy them. HAHAHA! I am having a bit of a dilemma determining when I actually ovulated. FF is saying CD 23 and TCOYF is saying CD 21.

It never fails. I don't ever recall ovulating during the week. For some reason its always during the weekend. Which is great!! Makes BDing so much easier. This weekend was fantabulous. I really allowed myself to relax and enjoy the activities around me.

At first it was hard for DH and I to tag along on Friday. Everyone was going to take their kids and we're one of two couples who don't have kids. With this in mind J reached out to the other couple to see if they were going since he didn't want to feel out of place. After several attempts of just asking J if we were going he looked at me and said "If you really want to go then let's go." I did want to go just to see what the enticement was about. Let me tell you the pizza is delicious and extremely huge!! We all enjoyed each others company and they decided that they wanted to make it a tradition. Every third weekend of the month we will all gather at Big Lous so their kids can get to know each other. I am sure when we have our kids we will be appreciating this a little more.

Moving on...Saturday was a mellow day. J was a bit hung over to say the least. While he slept I was outside with the kiddos and stirring up conversation with my mother. Around 6 pm he finally decided to get out of bed cause he wanted something warm in his tummy. We went to dinner and then off to see a movie. I was a bit disappointed on how the day started off since we had made plans for that beautiful saturday. The BIG day finally arrived. You know what day that is??? Sunday night football. I truly enjoy watching the game with J. He tends to crack me up with his actions. It was definitely a full house. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the 49ers vs Falcons. It was strange how people automatically sat around their own team fans. 9ers fans in the front and Falcons in the back. As soon as a Falcons fans would sit by us they akwardly would move towards the back. LOL! Why? I dont know I guess for their own security. After all the shit talking and chaos going on we shut them up when the 9ers came out on top!!
I am not on this group picture...I figured since I wasnt wearing a Jersey or even the colors I should stay out of it. J knows some of these people by seeing them sporadically at BWW. Turns out we're all neighbors! It was kinda funny to find out we live down the street from one another. After we left BWW J was a bit buzz and jumped into the car next to us.
I love this man but sometimes he can do some crazy things. We stopped by the meat market and picked up some goodies to BBQ at home. Since I have been spending a lot of time with my 2 year old niece I just had to ask the BIG question. WHO'S UR FAVORITE AUNTY?!
I'm sure you can all guess what she said.
I am ensure what DPO I am currently on. FF says 4 DPO but TCOYF says 3 DPO. I really dont know. Last month I ovulated on CD 21 but it seems like this month I went back to CD 23. Something was different about this month though, I felt ovulation pain on both sides. I was giving up on OPKs since i kept getting -, then when i felt those sudden pains (it was quite strong) I knew I had to test again. Sure enough + OPK starring back at me! I ran outside and told J that it was go time. LOL! He gave me this scared look that I couldnt help but giggle. On Sunday morning he woke up in a good mood and tells me, "You're pregnant." Me: (Giggling) "I just ovulated or about to ovulate. How can I be pregnant?" J: "I just know. My sperm talked to me and said he made it." LOL! I couldn't stop laughing but it made my day. I hope everyone had a good weekend.

I didn't even want to look at her. Cause I seriously thought I was going to slap her OR better yet punch her in the face. How could she even dare to say that? You maybe wondering what I am so pissed off about. Well here goes nothing. It was around 11am and I was minding my own business. I was on a phone call with a customer trying to settle an ongoing issue. When I overheard co-workers talking about infertility. There's this lady who has expressed her concerns that she may have difficulties conceiving when she's ready. Due to her grandmother & mother both taking years to finally conceive. Apparently her bf/ husband, not sure if she's married, asked when they were going to start trying if she knows an issue may arise. Her response was very nonchalant "If it happens it happens." Really? Or are you afraid to admit it worries you. Not my business.

Now no one knows about my difficulties with infertility at work besides my manager and one of my colleagues. Surprisingly I was able to open up to my colleague when were not very close. It was a big RELIEF to find out some of her family members were either surrogates or donors. So she understood the whole "enchilada". Now I knew my instincts weren't deceiving. Back to the story...as they continued their conversation someone told L (the woman with the infertility in her family) that if she prayed to god she will get her bundle of joy one day. She simply responded with "I know I am just trying to lose weight and get my body back on track." Another colleague responded with, "Well praying is good but it doesn't help because before I had my son I did everything possible to avoid pregnancy. I would pray every night to god so I wouldn't become pregnant and look I still got pregnant. I think if your meant to be a mother its going to happen and well if your not then he won't give you one."

I almost threw myself at her when I heard those words that I almost hung up on my client. How dare you tell someone who is expressing concern about her fertility that if it doesn't happen she is not meant to be a mother? So your fucken telling me that all those women that got pregnant and aborted were MEANT to be mothers? Or the people who drown themselves in drugs and alcohol are meant to parent? What about the ones who have them and dump them in the trash? First of all you need to get your head out your ass and THINK before you speak. How contracting is your fucken statement you selfless, senseless, incompetent bitch. Learn about infertility before you sit there and point out people who can't have kids and say its just not meant to be. Oh so your telling Kim Kardashian is meant to have kids but not her sister? What the fuck has this world turned to? If you don't understand something pick up a book and read about it before offering your insensitive two sense.

Sorry I needed to just let it out. I couldn't even look at her the rest of the day. When I recollected myself I realized that people in this world fear the unknown. So what do they do? They judge it! Infertility is a disease its not manifested by gods work. People who can pop babies out like no other should take the time to learn about infertility and maybe just maybe they will appreciate what a great gift they have instead of seeing it as a natural thing. Cause no I can't say its a natural thing. It's like playing the lottery, if you get lucky Congrats! You just received the greatest gift in the world. If you don't its kinda a slap in the face saying better luck next time pal.

For those who have experience insensitive comments my heart goes out to you. That shitty feeling that comes from it and that adrenaline rushing in your veins, trying to hold yourself together so you won't have an outburst. Yeah been there plenty of times. Wish I could just tell them to close their mouth and don't touch a subject you don't come near comprehending.

Today was just an ordinary day as always. I went about my day at work and during my lunch break (or breakfast break) I saw a lady that had left on maternity leave. Last time I had seen her was in the restroom making a phone call. She was hinged over talking about being fine that she probably wouldn't go into labor until tomorrow. Not even an hour later I saw her walking out with a couple managers. I remember this as it happened yesterday. Can you believe its been five months? I wasn't planning to stir up a conversation with her since I didn't want to pretend I was overjoyed for her. BUT something inside of me pushed me to ask her how the baby and her were. We started a conversation and she showed me a couple pictures. One thing led to another and she told me she has endometriosis. I was in total shock. I felt kinda guilty for thinking she had no complications. Well I really don't know if she did. I didn't feel like I had the right to ask. She did mention that she has an older daughter who is 6 and that her husband wants one more kid. She didn't seem all for the idea. The pain that she experienced wasn't something that she would like to jump right into. It has gotten so bad that she is considering removing her uterus if it means she doesn't feel pain.

Her story really touched me because here she is a mother of two with endometriosis, a condition that "disables" your fertility. Makes me think if she can do it then so can I. Since I was to scared to ask her if she seeked helped to get pregnant I just told myself that her eldest is 6 and she couldn't possibly waited that long by choice to give her a sibling. Don't cha think? Maybe cause I wouldn't want my kids to be that far apart in age. Yes that is what I will tell my mind so I can use this as motivation to keep strong and my miracle will soon come.

How do I even begin this post? Should I be optimistic or drown myself in sorrow? I can't even begin to understand this whole struggle. Or why things happen the way they do. Conception isn't suppose to be this difficult. It's a natural way of life. So why is it that more and more couples are having a difficult time conceiving naturally?

In the morning as I arose, my thoughts began to wonder. Wonder if I should go through with this. Calmly I got in the shower got ready and left to my appt. I took a 500 mg of Bayers. As I entered the clinic I notified them I was there 5 minutes later I was in the examination room getting ready for Dr. M. Keep in mind this is the second time I see my RE. He happily greeted me and ask how I was. My nerves had to be in total control because he asked if I had taken a valium. I replied "No" with a bit of a confusion. Should I have? He said I seemed calm so I should be fine. Let me tell you, that procedure was tormenting. If I could get through that then my pain tolerance is extremely high. The nurse kept telling me to take deep breaths. After the procedure was done she asked if I wanted a valium for my HSG. I simply responded with no I'll be fine. She looked at me with a questionable stare and ask if I was sure. I'm not a big fan of taking pills and if I was able to endure this procedure than the HSG should be less intense.

A couple hours later I arrived at my HSG appointment. Good news! I didn't have to pay again. Bad news... They still couldn't perform the HSG. My RE told me to tell the radiologist that my cervix was to my right and up towards my bladder. The radiologist said he saw that and he also saw where he dilated but he just couldn't get the catheter through. This was a different radiologist than last time and they both had the same issue. I just couldn't understand how my doctor was able to get in there as quick as he did. He did check if he can get through my cervix before he dilated me. The radiologist wasn't  even succeessful at dilating me further.

I'm a bit upset, frustrated, scared, and clueless on what is next for me in this journey. The nurse at my RE's office told me that they might have to sedate me and do the procedure that way. She couldn't give me a definate answer since Dr. M has to read the report first. Being sedated is not something I want to do. I told DH that I don't think I could take this anymore. I had to endure with tormenting pain today to get no results. If I go through with surgery to have the HSG done I'm going to be in extreme pain afterwards. I still haven't stopped bleeding from just being dilated and the attempt of the HSG. It's like having AF all over again. I want to remain optimistic, I really do. I just don't know if I can.

Tomorrow I go in for my second HSG test. Hopefully this one is successful. I am becoming a bit of a nerve wreck just thinking about it. The HSG appt isn't the reason I feel nervous, it's the appt prior to that. I have to make a "quick stop" to see my RE so I can get dilated. All I can think about is if its going to be painful. DH decided to skip work tomorrow because I told him I needed him there. He's so sweet and decided to let his job know he wasn't going to make it tomorrow. Fridays are usually optional for him so there's not a problem there. Besides I miss spending time with him now. Working different shifts isn't the ideal schedule for me.

Last cycle I decided to use soy isoflavones to see if it really made me ovulate sooner. BUMPED up to CD 21 ovulation from CD 23. I went in with the mentality of using it to shorten my cycles not to see if I can get pregnant. My cycles seemed too long to bare that I can't wait forever to even try one medicated cycle. Everyday my mind is more confused. I am reading a lot more lately, which brings up my intolerable mindset. Yes, I want a baby. Do I want it natural or through ART? (Sighing) At this point I tell myself I waited this long why not try to get my body completely balanced and see what happens. Then the other half of my conscience starts questioning "How long is that going to take?", "What if it never happens?", or "Am I just being totally irrational and impatient?" I honestly don't know! I think I am just going to go with the flow. I will do my HSG and move forward with the IUI and see what happens. You never know....we may get a miracle before we even start treatment.

Sending positive vibes to everyone who is still trying to have a miracle. I know our day will come and when it does we will appreciate it even more.

The new year is finally here allowing people to look back and smile at memories or grow from experiences. Although the holidays seemed to be gloomy this year I managed to get through them. I know this year will bring new opportunities and I am willing to face them head on. Regardless of the pain it may cause or any disappointments. Looking back on my 2012 journey I realized that I really let myself down. Not because I couldn't bare a child. I allowed myself to slack off in everything else I love to do because I was so focused in TTC. It's like I suddenly woke up and told myself "What is you problem? Are you going to continue to live everyday with the same pity party on your shoulder?" NO! I WON'T and CAN'T continue to put off my life because I want something I simply don't have control of happening. From now on I will see that all other goals and dreams become a reality. (Ones that I have control of). Which leads me to my resolutions list.

~ Go to school throughout 2013
~ Lose 10lbs
~ Eat healthier
~ Read 15+ books (half educational)
~ Get a professional camera
~ Home renovations
~ Give away my old wardrobe and get a new one
~ Go to California at least 2xs
~ Do everything possible to start our family

Notice that I put having a family at the bottom of my list? I promised myself that I will not allow this journey to consume who I really am. I should have been done with school a long time ago. Things went south when I moved south, LOL oh the irony. It may seem like I am blaming other things on my lack of getting things done. I have to admit that I just became to comfortable with the new lifestyle. School was a hassle to enroll and when I did it was extremely expensive since I was considered an out of state student. So in a sense everything happens for a reason.

Before the new year started my younger brother and I placed a bet on who will become fit within a three month span. Since he got back home he has been working out dilingently so my fear arises and I know I need to get my shit together. If I can do this then I can put myself through anything else. DH & I had been having a rough time talking to eachother. One night I cried myself to sleep. We didn't speak the following day but when I got home the house was cleaned from head to toe. I wasn't surprised actually. DH has a hard time expressing himself with words, so he tends to show me he is sorry for anything that he has done or said to upset me. Although I saw his good dead I just couldn't bring myself to speak with him. Sadly it was New Years eve. We went about our day gathering ourselves at my parents home. I slowly allowed myself to throw in the towel and let him know I was okay. He really doesn't have anything to do with my emotional rollercoaster. He tries his best to console me. This journey just got the best of me. Feeling sorry for myself has to stop because its not just affecting me it's affecting the man I am deeply in love with. When the clock struck 12, he held me in his arms and kissed me. He whispered in my ear that this year will be different for us. I believe him, I believe that this year will bring new joys.

Enough about me and my dramatic holiday story. I enjoyed the holidays regardless of the toll it took on me. I am wishing and praying that all of us who are still trying for a little miracle can achieve their dream this year.

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