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How I wish I could start by saying we had a surprise natural pregnancy. HA! Well that isn't the case. Although on the brighter side I was glad to have a natural cycle before my FET. I think my body and soul needed it.

Baseline ultrasound today confirmed a thin lining and quiet ovaries. Yay! Are genetic testing revealed another possible problem with our recurrent miscarriages. I don't have one but TWO MTHFR mutations. I guess I was the fortunate child to get all the glories genes from my parents. What does this mean? Another lovely medication I  need to take was added to my list. When I went in for my endometrial scratch my Dr informed me that my lovely nurse was in a car accident. She assured me she was fine but needed time off to recover. So this FET cycle has had a rough start without her but I am confident she will be back before my transfer. I reached out to her to make sure she was doing ok. 

I've been having a difficult time staying positive. For the last week or so I catch myself wondering/dreaming of the what ifs. A week before Halloween we went out to a Halloween party. At first I felt excitement then as we arrived at our destination those emotions left the building. I immediately wanted to go home, to my luck we agreed to all go in one vehicle to prevent people driving intoxicated. I'm not a fan of drinking so I always knew I would be the designated driver. As the night progress people began to annoy me. Time was literately going no where. Peoples feelings were hurt others over drank and my patience were to a minimal. At 3:30am I spoke up demanding to leave because I was starving. I don't even remember how we even got to where the conversation ended but there I was holding back tears. I was reminded of what I didn't have. Of what I could've had.

"Why do you want to go home? You of all people should be getting drunk having a good time. It's not like you have kids to worry about." - Rude

"If I had kids I wouldn't even be here, I would be at home with them! Why would I want to drink and fill my body with drugs if I had kids of my own?"- Me

(Looks at me in a disgustingly shocking face) "Yeah right that's what you say now."- Rude

Needles to say I walked away from that conversation because it's obvious she wasn't being rational. For one, I was the only person not drinking and two I don't do drugs. Is she implying that once I have children I will run to those things for comfort? What kind of sick world do you live in? She attempted to apologized after I walked away but the harm was done. Let's just say I cried myself to sleep that night. I should've never been at that party. I should've had my son in my arms.

I'm scared.

I'm nervous.

I'm hopeful.

He has given me his reassurance in different ways. Every night in my prayers I talk to my angels. In one rare occasion I confessed that it breaks my heart not knowing what they look like. In a strange wonderful way I had an unexplainable dream where I truly felt them in my arms. That's when I knew he hasn't left my side. 

So it begins....

Vivelle patches start tomorrow with a transfer date of the 21st.