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How I wish I could start by saying we had a surprise natural pregnancy. HA! Well that isn't the case. Although on the brighter side I was glad to have a natural cycle before my FET. I think my body and soul needed it.

Baseline ultrasound today confirmed a thin lining and quiet ovaries. Yay! Are genetic testing revealed another possible problem with our recurrent miscarriages. I don't have one but TWO MTHFR mutations. I guess I was the fortunate child to get all the glories genes from my parents. What does this mean? Another lovely medication I  need to take was added to my list. When I went in for my endometrial scratch my Dr informed me that my lovely nurse was in a car accident. She assured me she was fine but needed time off to recover. So this FET cycle has had a rough start without her but I am confident she will be back before my transfer. I reached out to her to make sure she was doing ok. 

I've been having a difficult time staying positive. For the last week or so I catch myself wondering/dreaming of the what ifs. A week before Halloween we went out to a Halloween party. At first I felt excitement then as we arrived at our destination those emotions left the building. I immediately wanted to go home, to my luck we agreed to all go in one vehicle to prevent people driving intoxicated. I'm not a fan of drinking so I always knew I would be the designated driver. As the night progress people began to annoy me. Time was literately going no where. Peoples feelings were hurt others over drank and my patience were to a minimal. At 3:30am I spoke up demanding to leave because I was starving. I don't even remember how we even got to where the conversation ended but there I was holding back tears. I was reminded of what I didn't have. Of what I could've had.

"Why do you want to go home? You of all people should be getting drunk having a good time. It's not like you have kids to worry about." - Rude

"If I had kids I wouldn't even be here, I would be at home with them! Why would I want to drink and fill my body with drugs if I had kids of my own?"- Me

(Looks at me in a disgustingly shocking face) "Yeah right that's what you say now."- Rude

Needles to say I walked away from that conversation because it's obvious she wasn't being rational. For one, I was the only person not drinking and two I don't do drugs. Is she implying that once I have children I will run to those things for comfort? What kind of sick world do you live in? She attempted to apologized after I walked away but the harm was done. Let's just say I cried myself to sleep that night. I should've never been at that party. I should've had my son in my arms.

I'm scared.
I'm nervous.
I'm hopeful.
He has given me his reassurance in different ways. Every night in my prayers I talk to my angels. In one rare occasion I confessed that it breaks my heart not knowing what they look like. In a strange wonderful way I had an unexplainable dream where I truly felt them in my arms. That's when I knew he hasn't left my side. 

So it begins....
Vivelle patches start tomorrow with a transfer date of the 21st. 
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13 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that person said those things to you! :( does she know what you're going through? If so that takes it to a whole new level of terrible. Big hugs!

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  2. Awww, just reading this, i texted you this morning to see how you were. So sorry you had a rough time on halloween... hang in there. it's not easy, but i'm praying this cycle is a success for you. xoxo!

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  3. I am so sorry you had to deal with a situation like that :( People are just mean sometimes. Praying this next cycle is a success for you!!

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  4. So sorry that you had to deal with someone so insensitive! Ugh. But so hopeful that this is your cycle. Hugs.

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  5. Ugh! I'm so sorry you had to deal with friends being crappy! That is never fun especially when you're sober and they're drunk. Best of luck to you this cycle! Sounds like you'll be right behind me!

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  6. You are going to be such a good Mom! Don't listen to people like Rude, as my mom would say, they just want to blow your light out so it looks like theirs shines brighter.

    Sending you so many positive vibes for this cycle!

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  7. Thinking about you! I've also had miscarriages due to MTHFR and a blood clotting issue, but now that we know I am on extra meds to help prevent loss. It's truly a double-edged sword. I'm glad to know, but it was hard to find out as well.

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  8. I am so sorry you had to deal with all of that. It's amazing what flies out of people's mouths when they have been drinking and they no longer have "better" judgement. I am very hopeful for you and this upcoming cycle. Remain in hope for it is what your faith is launched from. Stay strong! xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  9. My heart just sunk for you when you wrote about that conversation. I am so sorry that people are so insensitive. It's a mad mad world we live in. And it's not fair. Sending you my love.

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  10. You made the best decision and the bravest one in that party. Not only did you swear off what is otherwise a persistent addiction for many, you have also prevented a problematic situation before it even occurred. Not that you won't have a respite or a back-up if ever you get stuck in that, but other than avoiding the possibilities of bodily harm, you have pulled yourself and everyone out of having to resolve those in a courthouse. Thanks for sharing that! Wishing you all the best!

    Leticia Holt @ Law Offices of Kim E. Hunter

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  11. You are going to be such an amazing mama. That person was obviously drunk and didn't realize what an asshat they were making of themself. I applaud you for lasting that long sober around those people. haha!

    Sorry to hear about the MTHFR. I also have two copies (heterozygous). It's a pretty controversial topic among doctors...same say it's nothing, others acknowledge the possible benefits of taking extra bioavailable folate. Mine of course said it's nothing, and I of course still took a mega dose of methylfolate our entire FET cycle and through the first trimester just to be safe.

    Keep talking to those angels. They are listening and will be there to hold your hand as you go through your FET! XO

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  12. Some people are so insensitive! So sorry you had to deal with that. Will be thinking of you as the 21st approaches!

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  13. How did it go on the 21st girl? I would love to hear how you are doing. I don't know what God is up to, but trusting that He is good and has good plans for you!

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