I had my rheumatology appointment on Tuesday and it was quite interesting. Dr Kempf was extremely nice and informative. When I arrived to my appointment I felt out of place. As if everyone was starring at me because I didn't belong there. The patients were mostly elderly or looked sick as in weak not in the mood type of way. When I was finally called in the nurse questioned some of my responses on my paperwork. There was a section that asked how many pregnancies I've had, miscarriages, and live births. My response was 3, 2, 0. They didn't have a section asking if I was currently pregnant so I assumed they would put two and two together. Hmmm...that wasn't the case. When I told her I answered it in that form because I was currently pregnant she felt embarrassed. She quickly apologized then said congratulations.

Dr Kempf came in about 15 minutes later. He went over my paperwork then asked a couple questions as well as asked me to do some physical movements to check my joints. After everything he explained to me that even though I present symptoms of lupus he is not concern right now. My symptoms are not severe for him to be on alert. Of course if my bloodwork indicates there's a problem he will put me back on medication.  He believes as of now I just have the antibodies that make me have minor symptoms and in my case cause miscarriages.

With this in mind I quickly asked the million dollar question.

Me: "What are the possibilities my lupus would become active? Reason I ask is because my aunt was told the same thing and now her health has extremely plummeted as she is getting older. When I say older she's in her early 30s."

Dr Kempf: "That's a great question and I have a great answer for you. I don't know the thing with autom immune disorders is that as quickly as they come they quickly go. I've had patients come see me that experience every symptom of Lupus and as soon as we put them on medication it vanishes. Its something we aren't able to explain why some patients have flares and other may go years without experiencing severe symptoms. All we can do is have u come back once u deliver and do more bloodwork. Possibly put u on preventative medication to avoid you getting severe symptoms like your aunt."

It scares me to think about my health plummeting like my aunts. She came to visit the day after my appointment and almost collapsed on us. It was scary to say the least. Seeing her confused most of the time and being clueless of what's happening to her is concerning. She breaks down crying sometimes because sometimes the simplest things seem extremely difficult for her. Now I know her work has a lot to do with her health. She works in a high stress environment and long hours. She really let herself go health wise since working there. All I can do is take it day by day. I go back on the 17th to go over my blood work results. Here's hoping everything is a ok.


I won't be posting a pregnancy update this week as you can tell. As I mentioned on my announcement post that my cousin and I were due the same month. Sadly my cousin experienced a miscarriage. Never would I ever wish for someone to go through that. I broke down when I found out because I knew I will always be her trigger. I'm going to be the pregnant person reminding her what she could've had. This situation has been extremely difficult for her. She's never experienced a miscarriage before and I'm sure it took her off guard since she has had a non complicated pregnancy about 5 years ago. This would have been her 2nd child. She announced her pregnancy on social media almost right away. I remember telling my mom how brave that was when she was so early. My mom said people who have never experienced what I've been through never imagine that it could happen to them. When she found out what happened to her niece/goddaughter she felt bad and said everything that had crossed my own mind. I will be her reminder.

I did speak to my cousin when she was ready to reach out. I gave her some advice, comfort, and let her know I wouldn't pass judgment if she needed to avoid me for a while. I also sent her a care package after her she told me she was definitely miscarrying. When she received it she immediately sent me a message saying it made her smile and cry at the same time. I know she appreciates me trying to help her get through this but I also know how difficult it is to know my pregnancy is still progressing. It just doesn't feel right for me to be excited and celebrating during this time when she still tries to ask how everything is ok with my pregnancy. I try to cut it short to save her the pain even though she says she's truly happy for me after experiencing two miscarriages. Any advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation? I mean I've been in this situation before with me being on the other side of this situation. With my first pregnancy I had two cousins due on the same month. I was due on the same week as one of them. When I lost the pregnancy they were my constant reminder. I only speak to one of them and she was aware of my miscarriage. I don't recall feeling resentment towards her. I did feel emotional pain as the due date approached but I don't remember avoiding her pregnancy updates. I actually always asked her how she was doing after a while. When we went out to California we actually saw her and she was about 5-6 months pregnant. J & I played with her first born and J took him for awhile so she could take a break. Maybe the distance helped me deal with the pain so I'm hoping this cousin will be able to heal with such a distance.

The day I never imagined could become a reality has arrived. Or should I say did arrive? On Saturday we celebrated two of my nieces birthdays. I told J I wanted to take advantage of this family and friend gathering to announce our bundle of joy. He wasn't fond of the idea and tried convincing me to wait. I explained to him that we had such a great appointment that it wasn't fair to our little one that we were hiding him/her from the people who loved him/her already. He hesitantly agreed to it because I told him we needed to put our faith in God and he will look over my pregnancy/baby. After I got the ok from J I started working on our announcement and came up with this. J also had some input in it which made me extremely happy that he was involved.

I told my mom that I wanted to tell everyone at the party and she asked how I was going to do it. I showed her our announcement and she loved it! As you all know plans don't always go as you plan. I was feeling a bit discouraged and decided to just wait another week. We were all gathered around in a circle talking about my cousin who is pregnant and is also due in August. My mom told my aunt, "Remember with us it was always by twos." My aunt, "Yes you are right. I wonder who the second one is." My face turned super red that I started to avoid eye contact since my aunt was standing right next to me. She immediately realized what I was doing and looked directly at me and asked the winning question.

"Is it you? Are you pregnant?" Tears starting to form in her eyes. Me: "YES!"

She hugged me tightly and began crying. Everyone around us was a bit confused as to what was going on. My cousin pulled us apart asking what was happening. I looked at him and said it again louder, "I'm pregnant!" His jaw dropped, speechless for a second, then grabbed my face cheeks. "I didn't know if you were just getting chubby cheeks or if there was a reason behind it. I'm so glad its because you are pregnant." Then he pinched my cheeks again. Everyone around us began to hug us and congratulate us. Everyone said the same thing about my chubby face cheeks. Apparently my face was the first to expand. My older brother admitted he knew and was delighted for us. All my aunts cried when they heard the news and immediately said they were recently thinking about me. My pregnant cousin was also extremely overjoyed and said I deserve it with all I've been through. There's no one better to enjoy this journey with and she's praying this little one sticks.

Seeing everyones reaction was comforting to know our little one is already loved by everyone. The people I least expected to see excitement from hugged me and were genuinely happy for us. Everyone in our family is aware of our struggle and what we've been through. Not everyone knows of our miscarriages though. J seemed a bit relief that everyone knows now although we still worry. We chose not to announce to J's family not because they wouldn't be supportive or excited. J wants to personally see his mother's reaction when she finds out I'm pregnant. Our plan is to go visit and surprise his family. Its difficult to keep it a secret only because they are also impatiently waiting for us to announce that our treatments worked. But its easier to keep it hidden since they are thousands of miles away.

So here goes my first bump update!

How far along? 11 weeks 2 days

Baby Size: As big as a lime. (1.6 in.)

Total weight gain: No weight gain so far!

Maternity clothes: Nope

Stretch marks: My right hip has an old stretch mark

Sleep: So far great but it has a lot to do with me not currently working

Food cravings: Nothing in particular but anything will do if I’m hungry.

Best moment this week: Announcing our pregnancy

Miss anything? Not yet

Anything making you queasy or sick? No

Gender: Im leaning towards boy but a little girl would be such a blessing too

Symptoms: Congestion, pregnancy rhinitis, peeing a lot, sore nipples, acne

Belly button in or out: In

Wedding rings on or off: On

Happy or moody most of the time: happy

Looking forward to: Our next ultrasound appointment on Feb 3rd!
***OK looks like I was able to fix my blog page. Although I may still be experiencing issues with the giveaway tool so make sure u leave a comment incase it doesnt work so i can pick a winner. Thanks! ***

I have never done a book review in my life so bare with me here. (Okay maybe back when I was in school but that was soooo long ago). Hope I do a fantabulous job that it makes all my readers want to go out and buy this wonderful book. Katie Schnack, Publicist, reached out to me back in November for this wonderful opportunity. Unfortunately there was a mixed up with our mail and I didn't receive this book until about a week ago, ooops! I actually saw this book at my fertility clinic in the lobby as well as the billing area. Which made me intrigue and desperate to receive this book.

So here goes it...

Chris & Michelle Miller are an ordinary couple that are in for a rude awaking. Like many of us who deal with infertility we never imagined how difficult having a baby could really be. Thanks SEX ED class! This book is broken down with His & Her perspectives on their infertility journey. Which I think is wonderful because I catch myself wondering sometimes how J feels during this process. Most men tend to be silent during this journey and when they do seem to share it makes us women a little less vulnerable. While reading this book I couldn't help but recall our journey. I would stop reading and text J to ask him how he felt when a certain event happen after reading Chris's perspective. This couple walks you through their journey from the moment they met until they achieved their goal, having a family. Their story started out just like many of us trying naturally. As the months, years passed and still no baby they sought out help. Going through testing, surgeries,a miscarriage, IUIs, and IVFs. (Yes they did more than one cycle of IVF). Reading about Michelle's miscarriage brought tears to my eyes. Although it was never truly confirmed in her case she believes she had a blighted ovum. My first pregnancy was a blighted ovum as well and I don't think I would ever get over. If you are in the trenches of infertility or even out of the trenches I honestly think you would enjoy this book. Its honesty allows you to relate to this couple and of course they have a beautiful ending. I enjoyed reading their story that I finished the book in three days, would've been sooner but responsibilities got in the way.

Since you were generous enough to read my review Katie and I are doing a book giveaway.

A part of me has been hesitating to write this post because I just dont know where things are heading at the moment. My heart is telling me to just believe its really happening but my mind is constantly in denial. After our 9 week ultrasound on Monday, J and I were extremely optimistic. We saw our little one wiggling his/her little hands during the ultrasound. Baby had a good strong heart beat. Dr B even showed us his/her spine, it was pretty fascinating actually. Once she was done with the ultrasound I asked Dr B if she realized we had made another Leo. Her mouth was grinning from ear to ear and she immediately asked me my due date. I told her Dr A had given me Aug 10th as my due date and her smile got even wider. "You have to keep that baby in for four more days! Then all three of us will have the same birthday. This baby is meant to be I have no doubt in my mind. I always knew once we got you to this point everything would be ok." Before she walked out the door she told me she wasn't done with me and expected to get updates with baby bump pics and gender reveal. J and I just laughed with agreement. My nurse stayed behind and gave me instructions on the medication I am still taking. Before we left the clinic she gave me a big hug and also asked me to keep her updated. Apparently they all want a baby bump!

Leaving this clinic was quite difficult. I mean who wants to be treated like a regular pregnant women when you went through so much to get where you are. Our first OB appointment was just a consultation with the nurse practitioner. We went over our medical history, pelvic exam, urine sample, etc. During the medical history she asked how we got pregnant. If we were labeled as infertile and why. These were very odd questions to me especially when they knew where I came from. Well turns out they didn't have my medical records on file as of yet so that was all the questioning. J was quick to point out how different their technology was from our fertility clinic. I gave him a look like seriously thats what you notice. Dr B told us that Dr V is a great doctor. He is the only doctor at his clinic with the help of the NP and he has delivered all his patients. ALL OF THEM! Not one has slipped through the cracks. Quite amazing if you ask me. I wont see Dr V until the 15th of January and that is when he will refer me to an MFM. Apparently they aren't in a hurry to do it. The NP made it very clear that they will see me if I had a bleeding episode and I can expect the same courtesy our fertility clinic had with us. Im going to take her word for it and hope she doesn't fail me.

The day after our ultrasound I woke up to bleeding. J was just arriving from work when i woke up to pee. As I was wiping he walked in to the restroom and saw there was blood on the tp. His face went pale and started questioning me why i was bleeding. I looked down to see if there was more on the toilet and there was. I cleaned myself up with out freaking out, walked back to bed and closed my eyes. At this point I think Im just numb with all this bleeding. Of course this steered our light of hope back to the cloud of darkness. J said he cant get excited because something always seems to laugh at his face. He doesn't understand whats going on and it worries him. You and me both baby! Now the fear of getting bad news at our next scan is getting the best of me. J wont be able to go with me because its in the afternoon. With me not working we really cant afford having him miss work. I decided to ask my mom to go with me in case i have an emotional breakdown. With my luck she's going to be out of town, more like out of the state! I told J if I wake up with anxiety that day we have no choice but to have him go with me. Its a 35 minute drive on the freeway for me to drive alone if things aren't what we expect. Why cant I just be normal!!!???

If that isn't enough stress somehow people in our family are already asking if I'm pregnant. My older brother apparently is pretty sore that we havent told him we are expecting. People are trying every trick in the book to get me to admit it. Even to the point of calling me fat! Really I havent gained any weight, I've actually lost 2 pounds and I have no idea why. Sure my face seemed rounder for a few days but it seems like it went back to normal. Im not ready to announce and people should just respect it. This hasn't been easy, fun, or exciting for us so why do they get to barge in demanding me to say,"YES IM PREGNANT!" Its my pregnancy let me be the one to share the news when we know things are ok. Sorry rant over!!

Dear Lord please continue to protect my child, your creation, inside my womb. Please place your healing hands over my womb and give my baby a safe place to keep growing. My faith might seem weary at times but I will always remember the message you sent me when I lost the twins. "...For God has appointed another seed for me..." (Genesis 4:25, NKJV). This child is the seed you promised me and therefor I know you will let this seed bloom with your love and protection. In Jesus name Amen.
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