Graduation

A part of me has been hesitating to write this post because I just dont know where things are heading at the moment. My heart is telling me to just believe its really happening but my mind is constantly in denial. After our 9 week ultrasound on Monday, J and I were extremely optimistic. We saw our little one wiggling his/her little hands during the ultrasound. Baby had a good strong heart beat. Dr B even showed us his/her spine, it was pretty fascinating actually. Once she was done with the ultrasound I asked Dr B if she realized we had made another Leo. Her mouth was grinning from ear to ear and she immediately asked me my due date. I told her Dr A had given me Aug 10th as my due date and her smile got even wider. "You have to keep that baby in for four more days! Then all three of us will have the same birthday. This baby is meant to be I have no doubt in my mind. I always knew once we got you to this point everything would be ok." Before she walked out the door she told me she wasn't done with me and expected to get updates with baby bump pics and gender reveal. J and I just laughed with agreement. My nurse stayed behind and gave me instructions on the medication I am still taking. Before we left the clinic she gave me a big hug and also asked me to keep her updated. Apparently they all want a baby bump!

Leaving this clinic was quite difficult. I mean who wants to be treated like a regular pregnant women when you went through so much to get where you are. Our first OB appointment was just a consultation with the nurse practitioner. We went over our medical history, pelvic exam, urine sample, etc. During the medical history she asked how we got pregnant. If we were labeled as infertile and why. These were very odd questions to me especially when they knew where I came from. Well turns out they didn't have my medical records on file as of yet so that was all the questioning. J was quick to point out how different their technology was from our fertility clinic. I gave him a look like seriously thats what you notice. Dr B told us that Dr V is a great doctor. He is the only doctor at his clinic with the help of the NP and he has delivered all his patients. ALL OF THEM! Not one has slipped through the cracks. Quite amazing if you ask me. I wont see Dr V until the 15th of January and that is when he will refer me to an MFM. Apparently they aren't in a hurry to do it. The NP made it very clear that they will see me if I had a bleeding episode and I can expect the same courtesy our fertility clinic had with us. Im going to take her word for it and hope she doesn't fail me.

The day after our ultrasound I woke up to bleeding. J was just arriving from work when i woke up to pee. As I was wiping he walked in to the restroom and saw there was blood on the tp. His face went pale and started questioning me why i was bleeding. I looked down to see if there was more on the toilet and there was. I cleaned myself up with out freaking out, walked back to bed and closed my eyes. At this point I think Im just numb with all this bleeding. Of course this steered our light of hope back to the cloud of darkness. J said he cant get excited because something always seems to laugh at his face. He doesn't understand whats going on and it worries him. You and me both baby! Now the fear of getting bad news at our next scan is getting the best of me. J wont be able to go with me because its in the afternoon. With me not working we really cant afford having him miss work. I decided to ask my mom to go with me in case i have an emotional breakdown. With my luck she's going to be out of town, more like out of the state! I told J if I wake up with anxiety that day we have no choice but to have him go with me. Its a 35 minute drive on the freeway for me to drive alone if things aren't what we expect. Why cant I just be normal!!!???

If that isn't enough stress somehow people in our family are already asking if I'm pregnant. My older brother apparently is pretty sore that we havent told him we are expecting. People are trying every trick in the book to get me to admit it. Even to the point of calling me fat! Really I havent gained any weight, I've actually lost 2 pounds and I have no idea why. Sure my face seemed rounder for a few days but it seems like it went back to normal. Im not ready to announce and people should just respect it. This hasn't been easy, fun, or exciting for us so why do they get to barge in demanding me to say,"YES IM PREGNANT!" Its my pregnancy let me be the one to share the news when we know things are ok. Sorry rant over!!

Dear Lord please continue to protect my child, your creation, inside my womb. Please place your healing hands over my womb and give my baby a safe place to keep growing. My faith might seem weary at times but I will always remember the message you sent me when I lost the twins. "...For God has appointed another seed for me..." (Genesis 4:25, NKJV). This child is the seed you promised me and therefor I know you will let this seed bloom with your love and protection. In Jesus name Amen.