"We understand how stressful it can be emotionally and financially dealing with infertility." 

That's how the letter sent from my insurance company started. Only to end with in order for them to pay any claims in the year 2014 I have to speak to a nurse on a hotline to understand what treatment is a better fit for me. Um, excuse me? Are you implying that my Dr is incompetent and isn't doing his job? Or are you assuming because I've been seeing an RE for a year and a half with absolutely no BFPs? Either way this letter was not received with open arms. 

Let's back up a bit. My nurse has been through hell when it comes to dealing with my insurance. I don't know how she keeps it together. I would of pulled my hair out in frustration. Given that my fresh transfer was a failure she had to get an authorization to have my FET approved. Not so complicated. She got the approval. She sent my calendar over with a possible transfer date in JANUARY!! I immediately emailed her back and asked her to elaborate on this awful proposition. I say proposition because this was not what Dr. K and I discussed when he called me with my IVF results. He promised me that I would have a FET in mid December. I expressed my concerns about my insurance changing in 2014 and I wanted/needed for this FET to happen before the end of the year. The sweetheart that she is she responded with: "No worries. I will talk to Dr K to see how we can make this work for you." Really?? She kept her word and made it happen. 

Now the fun part begins. She had to call the pharmaceutical side to get an authorization for my FET meds. They faxed her the authorization form. She filled it out and sent it back, giving them a quick ring to make sure they had received it. Yes they have! Mission accomplished. NOT! (During this time the Dr hadn't gotten back to her in regards to my cycle.) A day went by and she asked me if they had gotten back to me. They hadn't. Surprise Dr K decided to move everything up 3 days giving me a whooping transfer date of New Years Eve! (Insert confused emotions here) I was happy things will be covered under this insurance but was not pleased to be on bed rest on New Years Eve. 

As if that news wasn't hard to hear. She dropped another bomb on me. I had to start Lupron the following day. She reached out to the pharmacy said she needed an expedited approval to get my meds out by today so I can receive them the following day. Tick tock! No call. I dial them up waiting on hold forever dreading not to make it before they close. Well I spoke to them alright just so they can tell me there's no perscription on file for me. Of course I texted my nurse and told her. She was fuming with rage. She apparently had called them to double verify they received it and were getting it processed. We discussed my options since obviously I wasn't going to have my meds delivered on time. It came down to me waiting until January and paying Out of pocket or paying out of pocket for my meds. Luckily I only needed Lupron at the time. I went with option 2. My exact words to her were: 

"I rather pay a measly $100 for Lupron than have to cover my deductible again before my insurance even helps me out." 

I was in for a surprise when a 2 week kit of Lupron came out to $250!! For that little tiny bottle. It took almost a week for the insurance to call me with the remaining order. The only reason they called was because she escalated the call to a manager giving her the option to give verbal authorization for my medication. After losing my authorization form 4xs!! I think she deserved a break dealing with them. 

My heart is full of mixed emotions at this time. Fear, excitement, frustration, hope, faith. After our failed cycle and all the commotion in my family I broke down. It took me a while to be ok. J and I were having a hard time being around each other which made things extremely emotional. I know my family loves me and they want this to happen for us as much as we do but geez the things that came out of their mouths. I know I mentioned my cousins wife being pregnant on another post but I never mentioned my brothers wife finding out she was pregnant as well. It's sad to say that we don't have a close relationship so her pregnancy was even harder to hear about. As much as we're not close she still reached out to me when she was fearful of being pregnant. The amazing person that I am I tried to be there for her. Once her pregnancy was confirmed an a couple weeks after we found out our cycle failed, J hit rock bottom. 

During this journey I recognize that women can tolerate a lot more than men. Their mentality of "oh well it's not meant to be" is just an act. These pregnancies have deeply affected us in ways I never saw possible. But here we are holding on to faith, hope, love that it will happen one day. As of now we have shun all our infertility treatment from our families. The worst feeling is keeping it from my mother. She's been a great support but it only takes one person to know before it leaks. With that in mind I was faced with a big decision...letting J change his schedule again, only to advertise to the whole world we are back at it, or give myself the injections. I'm proud to say that I've been doing great at poking myself. Somedays are better than others but at least I don't get anxiety in the midst of injecting myself. 

December 31st is still a long wait. More or less a trillion years!! Exaggerating much? Lately I've been at peace and I'm thankful that God has allowed me to feel this way. We don't have a nursery per se...we have extra rooms and we know which one will be used as a nursery in the future. J won't allow me to buy baby stuff because he says I am only going to hurt myself more. Do I believe that? I don't know. This past weekend I woke up relaxed and hopeful. I walked over to that room looked at it a bit and began to clean out the closet. All our coats and sweaters were moved to the office room. Something deep inside my heart made me do this. I can't explain the feeling but it was something I will never forget. 

On my birthday J had given me a puppy. Well she's gone. I think someone stole her. My heart is broken that I took it out on my eldest because he was suppose to look over her like he always does. Everytime I look out the window I want to see her. See her coming home. I just hope she got taken by a good family and is warm during this winter madness. 
Oh acu! Where have you been all my life??! I finally put my big girl panties on and had my first acupuncture session. It was love at first meet. The feeling that went through my body when those needles were going in is unexplainable. They weren't painful, actually I don't think I felt them, it was more of a sigh of relieve. While she was inserting the needles she told me people experience different things. Some people see colors others feel extremely heavy. I was one of those who felt heavy and sleepy.

After my session was over she gave me a herbal stick called Moxa. She told me to use it every morning for five minutes. I'm suppose to light it up and put it close to my leg as possible to feel the heat. She also asked me to start taking Floradix to increase the blood flow in my body. I tend to be a very cold person, cold feet, hands, all around. People would look at me weird because I wore sweaters when to them it wasn't needed. Smh! Hopefully this helps. Tomorrow is another session and I am definitely looking forward to relieving some stress. 

Today I came home to a beautiful gift box full of goodies. I participated in the Autumn Mug Swap that Jessah arranged over at Dreaming of Dimples. My swap buddy is Shay over at The IF journey, I had the pleasure of getting to know Shay a bit during our last cycle. I was doing my first IVF and she was doing a FET, although both our cycles ended in a BFN I am glad we had each others support. Her package was extremely thoughtful, which makes me ashamed for the lack of creativity on my part. She initially has sent me two mugs but unfortunately one of them did not make it. (sigh). Im glad one of the little guys made it though plus all the other goodies. Thank you my friend!

Stephanie's Questions

1. What is your favorite band/musician? I can't say I have a fav band. I love music and tend to listen to all kind of genres. I.E I just went to go see Drake live

2. What do you like most about yourself? 
I have to admit I like being an introverted type of person. Reason for that is bc I like to observe other's personna before I open my heart to anyone.
3. What quality/qualities did you find in your husband that attracted you to him? Being a quiet/ shy person I was immediately attracted to his outgoing personality. 

4. If you are a working woman, do you really truly like your job? I do consider myself a working woman but I can't say I have my dream job. It's a good paying job with fabulous benefits but my dream job is being an interior designer. Which I hope to achieve sooner rather than later. 

5. Do you have any fears (heights, spiders, dark, etc)? Yes, I am such a wuss. I dislike anything creepy. I scream if anything biggish lands on me. I avoid scary movies as if they were the plague because J works nights an sleeping alone in an empty home is not my ideal preference. 

6. What are your favorite types of movies (comedy, drama, action, scary, romantic comedies, etc)? I watch anything that is not scary. 

7. If you could be an animal for a day, what would you be and why? An animal for a day, huh? A bird because I can just spread my wings and fly to get away for awhile. 
8. If you won the lottery, what is the first thing that you would buy? Money, money, money. Pay off debt before I buy anything. Then go to Europe.
9. What is the next thing on your "to do" list? Acupuncture!! Have my first appointment on Monday. 

10. What is your favorite childhood memory? My favorite childhood memory is running around with all the kids in my family being careless and oblivious to everything. 

Shay's Questions:

1. What is your least favorite household chore to do? My least favorite chore is cleaning the bathtub. Everytime I can convince J to do it makes my day.

2. Do you have any pet peeves? If so what are they? Pet peeves, let's see, well when parents don't raise their kids themselves and get upset when people call then bad parents.

3. What is your favorite holiday? I use to love Xmas but after experiencing infertility I can't seem to enjoy it. I hope one day I can love this holiday just like I use to.

4. If you could spend a day with any celebrity, who would it be? No one in particular. As long as they aren't stuck up.

5. What is your favorite US city? Haven't traveled extensively around the US so I have to say Santa Ana, Ca because it's were I grew up and it's what I know. 

6. What is your favorite drink? Depending on what type of drink. Alcohol: anything with pineapple juice. Non-Alcoholic: Home squeezed orange juice.

7. If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you want to have?Honestly I dont know...food and water lol. and a blanket!

8. What is your favorite season? My favorite season is FALL, I love wearing boots!

9. What is your most essential beauty item? Concealer is my best friend. I have horrible dark circles.

10. What are your favorite girl/boy names? Favorite boy name I would love to name my future child is Ezra. Don't ask why because I don't have an answer for that...I just like it. A girls name, well i always told J if we had a baby girl I would name her Destiny for the sole reason that she was destine to be in our lives.

I hope you all don't mind if I break the rules here and don't renominate. 
Well the results are in and I'm officially not pregnant. Was I surprised? No. I had tested 7dpt5dt and it was a bfn. I tested again at 10dpt and it was still a bfn. I had a good cry then I got over it. What's new? 

It seems to make it worst when everyone says "you're so young and it will happen." I was a fool to believe I would be one of the fortunate ones to be able say I got pregnant with my first IVF. I had my pity party and then got over it quickly. Instead I decided to figure out what I can do differently for my FET. For one thing I will stop being a pussy and finally try acupuncture. It seems foolish now that I have experienced OHSS and the retrieval recovery. My clinic always advertises one so I think I will check them out. Their site says they're inside my clinic, I just haven't asked. Second of all I will be taking at least three days off after my FET. Anyone else have some good advise?  We have 9 beautiful embryos waiting for us to try again. 

Dr. C said it wasn't a matter of IF it's a matter of WHEN in my case. We discussed the possibility of transferring two this time around instead of 1. Let's just say we still aren't on the same page on this topic. I understand that transferring two doesn't increase my chances of implantation it only increases my chances of having twins. J and I are still discussing what our next step would be. As for my Dr he wants me to do another 1 embryo transfer and if it doesn't take then we can go with 2. 

Today is cycle day 2...this has to be the heaviest menstrual cycle I've ever had. It would be a lie if I said I didn't feel like we lost our lil one. It scares me to have another failed cycle but I am going to stay positive/hope for the best. 
I wonder who was the brilliant fellow who decided to name this medicine, Lovenox. Definitely not a med I love. I totally feel for the woman who have to take this for immunology purposes. I got prescribed this lovely medicine the day after I got drained, bloodwork came back with danger of blood clots due to thickening of my blood. Another lovely side effect of OHSS. 

Thursday's u/s still showed fluid in my abdominal area. Despite the fluid still lingering I felt extremely better than before. I mean the bloating was still there...certain positions cause sudden pain with breathing but all in all compared to Tuesday my body was healing. On Friday I was comfortable and was amazed how good I felt. When I got home and hopped in the shower because we were gonna go out I screamed. My legs were not what I was used to seeing. They were swollen. I had cankles!! I began to cry to J and I didn't know why, when he asked I would cry more. My legs were throbbing in pain by the time I went to sleep. Luckily the next morning I saw they slightly began to deflate. (That's the only way I was describe it. Even when I touched them they felt like liquid was inside.) 

I decided to stop the Gatorade intake for now. If my OHSS returns then I will drink it again. I think all this sodium intake is causin my body to retain this fluid in the weirdest places. The right side of my stomach had this little bulge that looked bubbly. Felt weird when I touched it. It was the shape of my ovary. Hahaha! Maybe the tightness of my pants caused an imprint. Who knows? Besides the bloating I feel a lot better and I hope it continues to improve. Although it has me worried because my Dr made it clear if I got pregnant it will return with a vengeance or remain. Does this mean I am not pregnant? Idk...I am tooooo darn scared to test. 

I will continue the lovenox until my blood levels normalize. I bruised inside my belly button before I took the lovenox and my Dr says it's because of the fluid. Luckily I haven't bruised from the lovenox injections. 

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