During our preparation for our FET cycle I was feeling defeated. Negativity was all that I thought about. I had to force myself out of that forsaken hole to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I knew I needed to do something for myself to feel confident and motivated this was a new beginning.

On Veterans day I decided to make an appointment to get my hair done. I was hesitant at first because I didn't want all these chemicals in my body but I knew I needed it to lift my spirits up. I've never been the type to go and spend money on these things because I am indecisive. Or I easily have a change of heart. My aunt is a hairstylist so everyone she is in town I have her do it. 1. I trust her 2. All I have to do is buy the product. Knowing I wasn't going to California anytime soon, or her to Texas, I went for it.

My dad immediately told me a needed to put cheeks on (blush) because i looked pale. LOL! I know this isn't the greatest picture but I don't have a better one at this time. Sorry, maybe next time.

With every cycle I get excited and buy a gift for our baby. It was just a natural instinct to do it. The only cycle I didn't purchase a gift was with FET #2. (I mentioned before that I had a feeling it wasn't our time.) Knowing FET #4 was on its way I told J I wanted to buy a little something for baby. I just felt that I needed to let he/she know they were wanted instead of letting these negative thoughts get in the way. The day before our FET I purchased the gift and I must say it was the best decision I've made. It immediately brought peace into my heart. Hope that God is looking over us.

Transfer day was a bit awkward to say the least. This may sound ridiculously weird but I am sure some of you can relate. Dealing with infertility treatment that forces you to see the same people every other week or two, you become accustomed to their way of being. I know I prefer certain nurse's because I am familiar with their personality. When we arrived I immediately noticed some people were absent others were occupied. My Dr was scheduled to do my transfer but got pulled last minute for an emergency surgery. One of my favorite nurses did mention the Dr I was not fond of was going to do my transfer. This saddened me but ultimately the end goal was to have a successful transfer and achieve pregnancy. 

Before our transfer took place Nurse W said to me..."I told Dr A to be nice to u because u like Dr B more than him." Don't get me wrong Dr A is a great Dr and is the owner of this clinic. My wounds are just not fully healed from when he bluntly said I didn't have the right to celebrate my pregnancy because more than likely I would miscarry. Ok...maybe I wrote it worst than his actual words BUT the way he delivered the news was more heartbreaking than what I already knew.

Anywho, Dr A was extremely nice this time around. He sat in the bed and had a brief talk with us. During the transfer as he was waiting for the embryologist to bring our little embaby he bowed his head and something reassured me he was praying for us. Transfer was actually pretty smooth. No cramps afterwards. Had my acupuncture session in the waiting area and then we were on our way. 

I rested the entire day trying to keep my feet warm. The following day we went to breakfast, shopping, movie, and then rested at home. J made dinner and headed out shooting with my brother. Sunday I went to church with my mother. Then I took her out to breakfast. The rest of the day was uneventful since I wanted to keep resting. 

Negative thoughts try to seek their way in but I immediately start praying to vanish them. I will not allow them to consume me. This morning when I woke up I checked my email and saw this. 

I knew he is trying to tell me to stay calm. Then I realized the day of our transfer I also received the following message.

How I wish I could start by saying we had a surprise natural pregnancy. HA! Well that isn't the case. Although on the brighter side I was glad to have a natural cycle before my FET. I think my body and soul needed it.

Baseline ultrasound today confirmed a thin lining and quiet ovaries. Yay! Are genetic testing revealed another possible problem with our recurrent miscarriages. I don't have one but TWO MTHFR mutations. I guess I was the fortunate child to get all the glories genes from my parents. What does this mean? Another lovely medication I  need to take was added to my list. When I went in for my endometrial scratch my Dr informed me that my lovely nurse was in a car accident. She assured me she was fine but needed time off to recover. So this FET cycle has had a rough start without her but I am confident she will be back before my transfer. I reached out to her to make sure she was doing ok. 

I've been having a difficult time staying positive. For the last week or so I catch myself wondering/dreaming of the what ifs. A week before Halloween we went out to a Halloween party. At first I felt excitement then as we arrived at our destination those emotions left the building. I immediately wanted to go home, to my luck we agreed to all go in one vehicle to prevent people driving intoxicated. I'm not a fan of drinking so I always knew I would be the designated driver. As the night progress people began to annoy me. Time was literately going no where. Peoples feelings were hurt others over drank and my patience were to a minimal. At 3:30am I spoke up demanding to leave because I was starving. I don't even remember how we even got to where the conversation ended but there I was holding back tears. I was reminded of what I didn't have. Of what I could've had.

"Why do you want to go home? You of all people should be getting drunk having a good time. It's not like you have kids to worry about." - Rude

"If I had kids I wouldn't even be here, I would be at home with them! Why would I want to drink and fill my body with drugs if I had kids of my own?"- Me

(Looks at me in a disgustingly shocking face) "Yeah right that's what you say now."- Rude

Needles to say I walked away from that conversation because it's obvious she wasn't being rational. For one, I was the only person not drinking and two I don't do drugs. Is she implying that once I have children I will run to those things for comfort? What kind of sick world do you live in? She attempted to apologized after I walked away but the harm was done. Let's just say I cried myself to sleep that night. I should've never been at that party. I should've had my son in my arms.

I'm scared.
I'm nervous.
I'm hopeful.
He has given me his reassurance in different ways. Every night in my prayers I talk to my angels. In one rare occasion I confessed that it breaks my heart not knowing what they look like. In a strange wonderful way I had an unexplainable dream where I truly felt them in my arms. That's when I knew he hasn't left my side. 

So it begins....
Vivelle patches start tomorrow with a transfer date of the 21st. 
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