Today was thee day, the day I became PUPO. The day I will remember forever no matter the outcome. Today reassured me that I did the right decision to leave my previous clinic and seek a new one. No regrets. I arrived at the clinic an hour before my appointment for my pre transfer acu session. I felt immediately relaxed and warm. Once that was over I was prepared for my transfer. Of course I forgot to drink water so they kindly gave me some. While J and I were talking Dr K stopped by to check on me. I hadn't seen him since my CD3 u/s and he seemed to be in a jolly mood. I was wearing a charm bracelet that J gave me once we found out our fresh cycle didn't take. He noticed it and smiled he said he got his wife one for Christmas. J personalized the charm bracelet around what we are going through. There's a charm of a baby carriage, a heart with the word peace on it, and a goodluck clove. Of course there's more but just pretty to look at. 

Anyhow, one of the nurses that has been there for me was assisting with the transfer. She came to get me with such a loving emotion. She told me she was extremely happy when she saw me on the list. Once I was all prepared for the Dr to do his job MY nurse, I say my nurse bc she's been there through everything and has never hesitated to do anything for me, came in to say hello and best wishes. She went to get Dr K for us and once he walked in to that room the fun began. I mean who makes you laugh so much when they know you have a full bladder? It got to the point that he said "Alright we should stop making her laugh before we make her pee on us." I honestly thought I was gonna pee right there and then. I love my clinic they really know how to lighten up the mood. Our two embabies were put in and I was sent off to do my acu session in the recovery room. 

J was extremely surprised that people went out of their way to go greet me. When you go to a place consistly these people become like your family. Caring for you shouldn't be a surprise, right? Compared to my last clinic this has truly touched me. There's not a day that I have walked into that clinic and have come out of there in frustration. 

Here's to a good start to 2014! Happy New Year's Eve everyone...hope everyone has a great time. 

Bye bye Christmas! You were such a pleasant surprise this year. I didn't expect you to be full of love this year. You know with me being childless and all? As many of you know my mother in law & brother in law were here for the holiday. At first I was a bit worried being around her. Not because we don't get a long or anything like that. My parents have always raised me to be respectful to others. Well in my pretty little head I think it's respectful to speak Spanish to my mother in law. Simple right? No. Here's the thing I speak more Spanglish than anything. It's kinda embarrassing. She understands and speaks English very well but again I find it respectful to speak in Spanish. 

I finally got over it when I realized she didn't care. That's when the love and bonding time began. When I'm around my mother in law I get all child like. Thoughts like "What if she doesn't like me? "Will she think I'm inappropriate?" Etc. This is kinda funny because she's seen me shitless drunk not once but TWICE! True story. During her visit I helped her make tamales. She showed me how to make some of J's favorite foods. The best part of all she thought me how to make chile! Poor me...I've attempted countless times to make it to no avail. Boo! 

Besides our good bonding we also got to talking about God. She's a very religious lady an I admire her for that. She knows of our struggles and has told me countless times that my child is on its way soon. She's said prayers for us numerous times, once with us there with tears in her eyes. I loved listening to her and admitted it has been hard keeping the faith alive with everything we've been through. As a woman who lost her child at 6 months pregnant she completely understands. Let's just say she made me realize that I am holding back my faith because J is not ready. I on the other hand am ready to surrender my heart and soul to him. It's all in his hands of he wants this upcoming FET to work. If he chooses not to then I understand. Yes I would be heart broken. I'm only human. But in reality...why should I expect what I have not given to him!? I was brought up in a catholic home. I did all my sacraments but I live in sin. I'm not married to J. In Gods eyes that is a sin. Do I wanna get married? Of course we do. Why wouldn't we? We can make many excuses as to why we haven't done it but it won't justify the fact that it's not done. 

In the mist of all this she talked to J about me and how much she loves me. How I'm such a good person and that whenever he is ready or were ready that we should take that next step. I almost cried hearing her say she loves me. I'm telling u I have these childish thoughts sometimes. 

This was the first year that J's mom has spent Xmas with my family. Besides the coldness she wasn't use to I think she liked it. The brother in law didn't want to leave. He begged her to let him stay. That of course didn't work in his favor. Al though I didn't ask for anything this year J surprised me with lovely gifts. It made my day to see him overjoyed to be with his mom and brother this Christmas. 

Update: Last ultrasound was on 12/20 an my lining was at 8mm. I started P shots the day after Christmas. With my luck J left to work early today and forgot to give me my shot. I obviously failed at trying to give it to myself. I rushed over to the clinic and asked if they can kindly give it to me. After work I went back to clinic for my acupuncture session and the weirdest thing happened. My body wa going into deep sleep.. How do I know this?? I start to twitch for some reason. Hahaha! Weird I know. Then all of a sudden I wake up with this weird feeling in my stomach. I couldn't bare to lay down anymore. I told the acupuncturist when she came in and she said she put the needles at points that caused blood flow to the uterus. Could it be a rush of blood?? I don't know. I was relieved when it went away. Hahaha! 

I'll leave you with a pic of my parents and my older brother and of course me. 

It's official I'm not a great blogger. I disappear here and there because I feel like I have nothing to say. In reality it comes down to my laziness. Sigh! I promise to try harder. 

Despite the struggle of dealing with infertility this holiday season has proven that there is such a thing as "Holiday Miracles". My mother got her prayer answer this holiday season. We tell her this is her holiday miracle. She prayed for her son to be released from house arrest before the holidays. Unfortunately my younger brother lost his teenage years because of drugs and got himself in trouble. After many years he was released on house arrest for a year. I'm happy to say he got his shit together and proofed me wrong. Since I'm the only girl I tend to over critique my brothers' behaviors. I don't know why I've always been that way. Maybe it's the love I have for them? I'm truly happy that he will be spending the holiday with us, unlike thanksgiving. 

Another miracle...which is my fav!! We've lived in Texas for 3 years now and J's family hasn't graced us with their presence as of yet. Besides his younger brother and his cousin. Every year when we make the trip to California to visit they talk about wanting to come. One day! Well I was tired of hearing excuses. J has been extremely home sick an missing his family. So the wonderful wife that I am...I thought long and hard about this...the thought came to me sporadically. I invited my mother in law to come stay with us for Christmas. It took some convincing because she didn't want us spending the money. I used the guilt trip "Your son misses you and it would be the best gift ever from me to him if you came".  She budged and agreed. Mission accomplished! I wanted to surprise J but figured I wa better off telling him. His reaction was priceless. I gave him the flight confirmation when he came home. He starred at it. Confused. Then with excitement aske if we were going to California. I frowned. Told him to look closer. His jaw dropped and I saw this fear in his face. 

"My mom is coming?" - J

"Yes(big smile)!" - Me

"Omg! What did you tell her to convince her. You must of lied to her. Did you tell her I was being mean or acting up? Tell me!" - J

(Laughing) "Geez I thought you would be more excited. She agreed to come spend Christmas with us because you're her son and she loves/misses you." - Me

After his paranoia he became excited. We even agreed on flying his younger brother out as well. Little family reunion. J was bad growing up so his mom always got on him. He even jokes around saying he feels bad for me if we have a boy that takes after him. (Eep!)

J and I have been discussing wether to transfer two or one this time around. Dr. K recommended one again but said he will not go against my wishes. My clinic does not strive for twin/multiples pregnancies. If they can accomplish a singleton pregnancy that is their preference. This decision has been irking me. I relayed all the risks to J about transferring two and we toggled the idea of one for awhile. Ultimately our hearts said go with two because obviously one didn't cut it last time. I was a bit scared to tell Dr K that we will be going against his recommendations. So what do I do?? I reache out to my nurse. Like always she came to my rescue. She spoke to the embryologist and said they agree with me on transferring two! She went ahead on writing two on my chart for this coming FET. Did I mention she is the best!!?? She checks on me every once in awhile just to make sure I am doing ok emotionally. 

It's been very difficult keeping this from my mother. She's my greatest advocate but I just couldn't put her through the emotional roller coaster again. Or us, dealing with the constant questioning from family. She knows I am doing acupuncture but that's about it. 

Acupuncture has been great. I enjoy it. It helped with the horrible headaches I was getting from Lupron. Since we don't know what time my FET will be they scheduled me for my pre session the day before in the evening in case it's before the time they get in. Although he assured me that if I really wanted to have it that day he will have someone come in that same morning. Love their flexibility! 

Counting down the days until my FET. There's been a lot of wonderful BFP announcements. So ladies send those good vibes my way. 
"We understand how stressful it can be emotionally and financially dealing with infertility." 

That's how the letter sent from my insurance company started. Only to end with in order for them to pay any claims in the year 2014 I have to speak to a nurse on a hotline to understand what treatment is a better fit for me. Um, excuse me? Are you implying that my Dr is incompetent and isn't doing his job? Or are you assuming because I've been seeing an RE for a year and a half with absolutely no BFPs? Either way this letter was not received with open arms. 

Let's back up a bit. My nurse has been through hell when it comes to dealing with my insurance. I don't know how she keeps it together. I would of pulled my hair out in frustration. Given that my fresh transfer was a failure she had to get an authorization to have my FET approved. Not so complicated. She got the approval. She sent my calendar over with a possible transfer date in JANUARY!! I immediately emailed her back and asked her to elaborate on this awful proposition. I say proposition because this was not what Dr. K and I discussed when he called me with my IVF results. He promised me that I would have a FET in mid December. I expressed my concerns about my insurance changing in 2014 and I wanted/needed for this FET to happen before the end of the year. The sweetheart that she is she responded with: "No worries. I will talk to Dr K to see how we can make this work for you." Really?? She kept her word and made it happen. 

Now the fun part begins. She had to call the pharmaceutical side to get an authorization for my FET meds. They faxed her the authorization form. She filled it out and sent it back, giving them a quick ring to make sure they had received it. Yes they have! Mission accomplished. NOT! (During this time the Dr hadn't gotten back to her in regards to my cycle.) A day went by and she asked me if they had gotten back to me. They hadn't. Surprise Dr K decided to move everything up 3 days giving me a whooping transfer date of New Years Eve! (Insert confused emotions here) I was happy things will be covered under this insurance but was not pleased to be on bed rest on New Years Eve. 

As if that news wasn't hard to hear. She dropped another bomb on me. I had to start Lupron the following day. She reached out to the pharmacy said she needed an expedited approval to get my meds out by today so I can receive them the following day. Tick tock! No call. I dial them up waiting on hold forever dreading not to make it before they close. Well I spoke to them alright just so they can tell me there's no perscription on file for me. Of course I texted my nurse and told her. She was fuming with rage. She apparently had called them to double verify they received it and were getting it processed. We discussed my options since obviously I wasn't going to have my meds delivered on time. It came down to me waiting until January and paying Out of pocket or paying out of pocket for my meds. Luckily I only needed Lupron at the time. I went with option 2. My exact words to her were: 

"I rather pay a measly $100 for Lupron than have to cover my deductible again before my insurance even helps me out." 

I was in for a surprise when a 2 week kit of Lupron came out to $250!! For that little tiny bottle. It took almost a week for the insurance to call me with the remaining order. The only reason they called was because she escalated the call to a manager giving her the option to give verbal authorization for my medication. After losing my authorization form 4xs!! I think she deserved a break dealing with them. 

My heart is full of mixed emotions at this time. Fear, excitement, frustration, hope, faith. After our failed cycle and all the commotion in my family I broke down. It took me a while to be ok. J and I were having a hard time being around each other which made things extremely emotional. I know my family loves me and they want this to happen for us as much as we do but geez the things that came out of their mouths. I know I mentioned my cousins wife being pregnant on another post but I never mentioned my brothers wife finding out she was pregnant as well. It's sad to say that we don't have a close relationship so her pregnancy was even harder to hear about. As much as we're not close she still reached out to me when she was fearful of being pregnant. The amazing person that I am I tried to be there for her. Once her pregnancy was confirmed an a couple weeks after we found out our cycle failed, J hit rock bottom. 

During this journey I recognize that women can tolerate a lot more than men. Their mentality of "oh well it's not meant to be" is just an act. These pregnancies have deeply affected us in ways I never saw possible. But here we are holding on to faith, hope, love that it will happen one day. As of now we have shun all our infertility treatment from our families. The worst feeling is keeping it from my mother. She's been a great support but it only takes one person to know before it leaks. With that in mind I was faced with a big decision...letting J change his schedule again, only to advertise to the whole world we are back at it, or give myself the injections. I'm proud to say that I've been doing great at poking myself. Somedays are better than others but at least I don't get anxiety in the midst of injecting myself. 

December 31st is still a long wait. More or less a trillion years!! Exaggerating much? Lately I've been at peace and I'm thankful that God has allowed me to feel this way. We don't have a nursery per se...we have extra rooms and we know which one will be used as a nursery in the future. J won't allow me to buy baby stuff because he says I am only going to hurt myself more. Do I believe that? I don't know. This past weekend I woke up relaxed and hopeful. I walked over to that room looked at it a bit and began to clean out the closet. All our coats and sweaters were moved to the office room. Something deep inside my heart made me do this. I can't explain the feeling but it was something I will never forget. 

On my birthday J had given me a puppy. Well she's gone. I think someone stole her. My heart is broken that I took it out on my eldest because he was suppose to look over her like he always does. Everytime I look out the window I want to see her. See her coming home. I just hope she got taken by a good family and is warm during this winter madness. 
Oh acu! Where have you been all my life??! I finally put my big girl panties on and had my first acupuncture session. It was love at first meet. The feeling that went through my body when those needles were going in is unexplainable. They weren't painful, actually I don't think I felt them, it was more of a sigh of relieve. While she was inserting the needles she told me people experience different things. Some people see colors others feel extremely heavy. I was one of those who felt heavy and sleepy.

After my session was over she gave me a herbal stick called Moxa. She told me to use it every morning for five minutes. I'm suppose to light it up and put it close to my leg as possible to feel the heat. She also asked me to start taking Floradix to increase the blood flow in my body. I tend to be a very cold person, cold feet, hands, all around. People would look at me weird because I wore sweaters when to them it wasn't needed. Smh! Hopefully this helps. Tomorrow is another session and I am definitely looking forward to relieving some stress. 

Today I came home to a beautiful gift box full of goodies. I participated in the Autumn Mug Swap that Jessah arranged over at Dreaming of Dimples. My swap buddy is Shay over at The IF journey, I had the pleasure of getting to know Shay a bit during our last cycle. I was doing my first IVF and she was doing a FET, although both our cycles ended in a BFN I am glad we had each others support. Her package was extremely thoughtful, which makes me ashamed for the lack of creativity on my part. She initially has sent me two mugs but unfortunately one of them did not make it. (sigh). Im glad one of the little guys made it though plus all the other goodies. Thank you my friend!

Stephanie's Questions

1. What is your favorite band/musician? I can't say I have a fav band. I love music and tend to listen to all kind of genres. I.E I just went to go see Drake live

2. What do you like most about yourself? 
I have to admit I like being an introverted type of person. Reason for that is bc I like to observe other's personna before I open my heart to anyone.
3. What quality/qualities did you find in your husband that attracted you to him? Being a quiet/ shy person I was immediately attracted to his outgoing personality. 

4. If you are a working woman, do you really truly like your job? I do consider myself a working woman but I can't say I have my dream job. It's a good paying job with fabulous benefits but my dream job is being an interior designer. Which I hope to achieve sooner rather than later. 

5. Do you have any fears (heights, spiders, dark, etc)? Yes, I am such a wuss. I dislike anything creepy. I scream if anything biggish lands on me. I avoid scary movies as if they were the plague because J works nights an sleeping alone in an empty home is not my ideal preference. 

6. What are your favorite types of movies (comedy, drama, action, scary, romantic comedies, etc)? I watch anything that is not scary. 

7. If you could be an animal for a day, what would you be and why? An animal for a day, huh? A bird because I can just spread my wings and fly to get away for awhile. 
8. If you won the lottery, what is the first thing that you would buy? Money, money, money. Pay off debt before I buy anything. Then go to Europe.
9. What is the next thing on your "to do" list? Acupuncture!! Have my first appointment on Monday. 

10. What is your favorite childhood memory? My favorite childhood memory is running around with all the kids in my family being careless and oblivious to everything. 

Shay's Questions:

1. What is your least favorite household chore to do? My least favorite chore is cleaning the bathtub. Everytime I can convince J to do it makes my day.

2. Do you have any pet peeves? If so what are they? Pet peeves, let's see, well when parents don't raise their kids themselves and get upset when people call then bad parents.

3. What is your favorite holiday? I use to love Xmas but after experiencing infertility I can't seem to enjoy it. I hope one day I can love this holiday just like I use to.

4. If you could spend a day with any celebrity, who would it be? No one in particular. As long as they aren't stuck up.

5. What is your favorite US city? Haven't traveled extensively around the US so I have to say Santa Ana, Ca because it's were I grew up and it's what I know. 

6. What is your favorite drink? Depending on what type of drink. Alcohol: anything with pineapple juice. Non-Alcoholic: Home squeezed orange juice.

7. If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you want to have?Honestly I dont and water lol. and a blanket!

8. What is your favorite season? My favorite season is FALL, I love wearing boots!

9. What is your most essential beauty item? Concealer is my best friend. I have horrible dark circles.

10. What are your favorite girl/boy names? Favorite boy name I would love to name my future child is Ezra. Don't ask why because I don't have an answer for that...I just like it. A girls name, well i always told J if we had a baby girl I would name her Destiny for the sole reason that she was destine to be in our lives.

I hope you all don't mind if I break the rules here and don't renominate. 
Well the results are in and I'm officially not pregnant. Was I surprised? No. I had tested 7dpt5dt and it was a bfn. I tested again at 10dpt and it was still a bfn. I had a good cry then I got over it. What's new? 

It seems to make it worst when everyone says "you're so young and it will happen." I was a fool to believe I would be one of the fortunate ones to be able say I got pregnant with my first IVF. I had my pity party and then got over it quickly. Instead I decided to figure out what I can do differently for my FET. For one thing I will stop being a pussy and finally try acupuncture. It seems foolish now that I have experienced OHSS and the retrieval recovery. My clinic always advertises one so I think I will check them out. Their site says they're inside my clinic, I just haven't asked. Second of all I will be taking at least three days off after my FET. Anyone else have some good advise?  We have 9 beautiful embryos waiting for us to try again. 

Dr. C said it wasn't a matter of IF it's a matter of WHEN in my case. We discussed the possibility of transferring two this time around instead of 1. Let's just say we still aren't on the same page on this topic. I understand that transferring two doesn't increase my chances of implantation it only increases my chances of having twins. J and I are still discussing what our next step would be. As for my Dr he wants me to do another 1 embryo transfer and if it doesn't take then we can go with 2. 

Today is cycle day 2...this has to be the heaviest menstrual cycle I've ever had. It would be a lie if I said I didn't feel like we lost our lil one. It scares me to have another failed cycle but I am going to stay positive/hope for the best. 
I wonder who was the brilliant fellow who decided to name this medicine, Lovenox. Definitely not a med I love. I totally feel for the woman who have to take this for immunology purposes. I got prescribed this lovely medicine the day after I got drained, bloodwork came back with danger of blood clots due to thickening of my blood. Another lovely side effect of OHSS. 

Thursday's u/s still showed fluid in my abdominal area. Despite the fluid still lingering I felt extremely better than before. I mean the bloating was still there...certain positions cause sudden pain with breathing but all in all compared to Tuesday my body was healing. On Friday I was comfortable and was amazed how good I felt. When I got home and hopped in the shower because we were gonna go out I screamed. My legs were not what I was used to seeing. They were swollen. I had cankles!! I began to cry to J and I didn't know why, when he asked I would cry more. My legs were throbbing in pain by the time I went to sleep. Luckily the next morning I saw they slightly began to deflate. (That's the only way I was describe it. Even when I touched them they felt like liquid was inside.) 

I decided to stop the Gatorade intake for now. If my OHSS returns then I will drink it again. I think all this sodium intake is causin my body to retain this fluid in the weirdest places. The right side of my stomach had this little bulge that looked bubbly. Felt weird when I touched it. It was the shape of my ovary. Hahaha! Maybe the tightness of my pants caused an imprint. Who knows? Besides the bloating I feel a lot better and I hope it continues to improve. Although it has me worried because my Dr made it clear if I got pregnant it will return with a vengeance or remain. Does this mean I am not pregnant? Idk...I am tooooo darn scared to test. 

I will continue the lovenox until my blood levels normalize. I bruised inside my belly button before I took the lovenox and my Dr says it's because of the fluid. Luckily I haven't bruised from the lovenox injections. 

Dear OHSS, 

Please go away! I don't like you disturbing my already emotional roller coaster life. You are painful and make me extremely uncomfortable to even leave my home. I hate you!! Leave me alone!! I want to be able to breath normally again. I don't want to waddle when I walk when I am not pregnant. Do me a favor and disappear. 

So there you have it ladies (and Gents if your out there) I have OHSS after they tried to prevent it. My symptoms got worst after my transfer so my luck is to deal with it now since the transfer is done with. I couldn't eat absolutely anything yesterday. The boughts of nauseou were to much to bare. Then the worst happened this morning...I couldn't get out of bed without rolling out of it. I thought ok maybe I'm just extremely bloated. Hmmm... My jeans don't fit...ok I'll be ok fine something more lose fitting but appropriate for work. 

I get to work and as soon I got out of the car I was waddling. I took a couple steps then stopped because I couldn't catch my breath. Several ppl asked if I was feeling ok because I didn't look well. Around 12:50pm I decided to phone up my answer. Lunch time? At around 1:45pm the embryologist called with an update on my frosties. Good news! We have 9 frosties. Bad news I was in the brink of crying. She transferred me to a nurse and she told me to come in ASAP. Luckily I work 15 minutes away from my clinic. 

One look at me and they said, "Oh sweetie, you don't look so good." Sigh. While I was waiting for the Dr to come in I started having a hot flash then I felt like I was gasping for air. I laid back and felt a cold sweat coming on. As soon as the Dr came in and I told her what happened she told me, "just by looking at ur stomach from a far, the way your breathing, and that symptom you definitely have OHSS. Let's take a look." Gasp! My abdominal area was full with fluid. The next 40 minutes of my life were horrendous. She had the suction out the is it done? Same as retrieval but this time I'm awake. Unbelievable that I did not cry but I was about to pass out. She said my lips went extremely pale and could see I was "uncomfortable". It's not like she can stop the process so she told me to keep breathing. My eyes were closed the whole time. Finally the pressure stopped and my face got its color back. The procedure was still going but I think my body started coming around. Now that fluid has been drained out I feel a tad bit better. I say a tad bit because my ovaries are the size of an orange. 

Unfortunately, OHSS doesn't vanish unless you have a menstrual cycle or your at the end of your first trimester when your ovaries are finally shutting down. As weird as it sounds my Dr is hoping I accumulate more fluid because that would be a sign of pregnancy. She wants to see me again on Friday or even sooner if I get to this point again. She made it pretty clear I will be back for another drainage. Idk if I can do that procedure again. She reassured me it doesn't harm my chances of implantation and the procedure doesn't affect the baby if I do become pregnant. Bad part: I will have to do this procedure quite a few times. 

 And I was sent home with my pee cup:

Quick update while I'm on bed rest. Today was my transfer. Everything went well. So out of 15 that fertilized 5 made it to blast + the one that they transferred. They will keep an eye on the rest until tomorrow to see how many more they can freeze. Considering that they had some to freeze we only transferred one beautiful soon to be baby. So I am officially PUPO and excited/scared/nervous.

J is at work so I'm all by myself and to top it off he's feeling under the weather and we will not be sleeping in the same room tonight. (Tear) this isn't how I pictured spending the night after having our love child inserted inside of me. Oh well. 

BETA on November 8th and Wednesday to make sure my P levels are where they are suppose to be. Now I leave u with a picture of our future baby. 

Got the call this morning. Apparently I was one off yesterday. They actually retrieved 25 not 24. Out of 25 17 were matured and out of 17, 15 fertilized. Were off to a good start hoping that they keep growing. I will get another update on Saturday to see how many made it to day 3 and with the appt time for Monday's transfer. 

My pain/uncomfortable feeling has resided but still lingering. Didn't sleep very well yesterday. If it wasn't pain on my pelvis area it was on my shoulders or between my rib cage. I don't know why my shoulders ached but it was a strange throbbing feeling. Got my first P shot this morning and it wasn't as bad as I imagined but I certainly felt it compared to the trigger shot, which was also done intramuscular. 

On the upside of things my mother surprised me this morning with a lovely breakfast. Which made my tummy extremely happy. 

Btw, has anyone taken Medrol? I have to take these for 7 days to prevent inflammation and aid implantation. Not fond of them...they tend to melt right away so u have that strange after taste in ur mouth. Yuck!! 

Oh boy. Where to start? It wasn't fun. Well it's not recovering. I don't recall feeling this way from my surgery. I can barely walk...I think I walk like an elderly person right now. Waking up this morning I felt so uncomfortable. I was bloated and felt a lot of pressure but I was able to walk right. I'm so glad I took two days off of work to recover. If I don't feel well by tomorrow I am considering calling in on Friday too. 

Ish was being such a sweetheart the whole time. I think he was as nervous as more like worried. Everyone at the clinic were exceptionally nice and excited for my retrieval. My nurse wasn't there with me during the time they were prepping me but another one that I have grown fond of was and she was also by my side when they were retrieving. Once I woke up my nurse was right there checking up on me all excited asking J & I if we knew how many they retrieved. 

So here it is. Dr. C was able to retrieve 24!! At this point I don't know how many are mature but we will get that info tomorrow. The embryologist will give me an update tomorrow, Saturday, and Monday which will be my transfer date. I will start taking antibiotics today and Methol. Tomorrow I will start the dreaded P shots. Yiiippppeee!! More shots. Now a pic of my arm trying to recover from the IV. 

Sorry I've been absent on updating with my progress. Truth is my body wasn't responding as it should and I was beginning to think my cycle was going to get cancelled. My E levels on my first check up was 120, on the 2nd check up 350, third 784. None of my follicles were growing any bigger than 13. I was devastated but then I got to thinking that my body always did this. When taking Clomid my body always responded slowly and then it would take off. Sure enough that is exactly what happened. Todays ultrasound showed how beautifully my body likes to torture me.

(This is just an estimate)

Lining 7.2
22, 20, 19 x 2, 18 x 3, 17 x 1,16,15,14,13,12 and other 10s.

I can't tell you what side they were in but thats what I remember. Triggering tonight at 10:30pm and going back for retrieval on Wednesday.
For those of you who said I would get use to the shots you were absolutely right. First stim day my mind was thinking unpleasant thoughts. 

1st Day: OMG! That shit burned. I can't do this for 10 days!! 

2nd Day: Ouch! Boohoo me. Suck it up missy this is nothing compared to labor. 

3rd Day: Silent. Asking J to hurry up and just get it over with. 

I guess the third day was a charm. The menopur didn't burn as much. Follitism is a peace of cake. We will see how I react to ganirelix. Today was my ultrasound/ labs appointment. My arm is do bruised up that I feel twice the pain when they poke at it. My nurse tried to comfort me by saying "Aren't you glad it's getting cold so you can cover this up, Before people start asking you WTF are you doing?"  Lol! The way she said it made me giggle. I saw another Dr (again) he's actually the owner of the place. He's the type to say Hello, everything looks good, bye kind of guy. I miss my Dr at this point but oh well at least my nurse was there to explain things in detail. 

Lining: 4.55 mm ( still bleeding)
R: 12
L: 11 

At this point all of them are to small to even measure. I will go back Thursday morning to check my progress. Ah! As far as the Dr I saw on Friday he is actually just there to help out while Dr. Brown is on leave, so I guess he's been an RE for a while. 

Cramps cramps go away!! 
I was surprised on how many new faces I saw at my clinic. When I say new I mean staff wise. I was seen by a Dr I have never seen in my life. He seemed fairly young. Could be that he is newly graduated or he is just new to that clinic or perhaps I just have never seen him. I haven't even heard of him so I am gonna go with my gut feeling of being new. My Dr is out on maternity leave so I am left in the hands of the other Drs. 

Ultrasound looked good. I have to admit it was a bit painful for some reason. He had a hard time seeing my left ovary and the searching wasn't pleasant. The small talk was a bit awkward and I was glad when he was gone. Afterwards I met up with my nurse to go over all the medication and how to inject myself all over again. Since my IVF consult was so long ago she wanted to make sure I was comfortable and educated on what I was doing. She started to make small talk to get a feel of where my stress levels where at. She asked about our family an if they were aware of what was going on. Answer to that is yes, both out families are completely aware we are going through this. J's family doesn't get involved in any form of way, no questions asked. My family in the other hand is very involved. My mother has been there since the first day we started seeking treatment. The rest ask but I decided to tell them that nothing is happening until November so I can get them off my back. My nurse agreed with this 100% and begged me to stay as stress free as possible. She also asked about J and what his thoughts were about this. I answered with honesty "He can't wait until all this is over with." Aren't we all?? I let a sigh of relieve when she mentioned that Dr. Brown was still calling all the shots in my treatment. She wants me to come in 3 days after stimming to see how my body is reacting. During my consult she did mention the fear of me getting OHSS because of my PCOS and my age. The nurse said I was considered early early monitoring because they usually don't monitor until after day 5. The earliest is 4 days after stimming so I am guessing Dr. Brown really wasn't kidding on keeping a close eye on me. I had to go to work so we cut our convo short and she gave me her cell number in case I had questions about mixing my meds or anything else that came up. 

For tonight:

Follitism 125 IU
Menopur 75 IU

J starts his Doxy (antibiotics) 

I have an appointment on Tuesday to check my progress. Hope I survive the shots tonight or until then. 
First day off of birth control and I feel great. Friday is almost here and I am a bit wee anxious. So today I got a wonderful phone call from a nurse at my clinic. I was unable to answer so I heard her voicemail.

"...I just wanted to run a couple things by you. Something new we are doing at RMA and thought you would be a perfect candidate for it."

When I heard this my mind began to run a million thoughts at once. What could it be? Me a perfect candidate? For? Anyhoo, I finally gave the nurse a call back and this is the info she relayed over to me. Celmatix & RMA are working together to do further research on infertility. Why was I chosen out of many women? My diagnosis of PCOS. Celmatix is a biotechnology company developing non-invasive genetic diagnosis for female infertility. This is 100% voluntary meaning I do not get compensated in any form of way. This research will not necessarily help me specifically but it will possibly help future patients dealing with infertility and are undergoing IVF treatment. What Celmatix is trying to accomplish new techniques that improve implantation and/or pregnancy rates. This research also may result in development of valuable methods for predicting IVF outcomes.

I am participating in this research with great pleasure. Even though it may not help me personally but I love the opportunity to be able to possibly help others. Everything will be completely anonymous besides my age, ethnicity, diagnosis, disease history, medical treatments, and response to treatments. I will be getting updates on the research overall. On friday when I go in for my baseline ultrasound I will be providing a blood sample which will be shipped out to Celmatix's lab and discuss this opportunity with the nurse to discuss this in further detail/ answer any questions I might have.

All in all I am excited to learn more.
They are finally here!! My meds of course. For some reason I thought I would hyperventilate when they arrived but I was just a bit overwhelmed seeing all those needles. I began to question if I was ready. Could I proceed with this? Forget the fact that I already paid for the meds. Or that I paid for surgery. Was I mentally ready to move forward with IVF? 

I expressed my concerns with J and his response was if your not ready then we don't have to move forward. Guess what?? I nearly lost my mind and began to mention all the reason I couldn't stop everything. As scared as I am the outcome is what allows me to move forward. I'm not getting a 100% guarantee that a baby will be the outcome BUT just the thought helps me move forward. 

Fear aside I am ready to get poked. No not really but I will try my best to hold the tears back. Good news is that J was able to get a schedule change so he will be with me incase I can't find the strength to stab myself. Eeek!

"What Now"

I've been ignoring this big lump in my throat
I shouldn't be crying, tears were for the weaker days
I'm stronger, now what, so I say
But something's missing

Whatever it is, it feels like
It's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is, it's just laughing at me
And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out
What now? Whoa, what now?

Those lyrics explained how I feel right now. Lately I've been ok with pregnancy, newborn announcements but this one cut deep. I should be elated that they are having their second child after trying for three years and 5 years to have their first. In all honesty I am not. My cousin, who I am really close to, is devastated because he thinks the baby is not his. Why? She hasn't been the most faithful wife. They told everyone she was unfaithful with the same sex, after seeing him drink his sorrows and venting to J we realized it might be more than that. I wish I could slap her and give her a piece of my mind but it wouldn't open her eyes. 

She's the same person who has voiced her opinion about us forcing or going through great lengths to have a child. She's the type to say if ur meant to be a parent you will be. She doesn't believe in God or any sort of believe. If she was given two miracles being an alcoholic, why hasn't God blessed us? He knows we can provide better than she can. I was in such a peaceful place in my faith and life I can't allow this news to crumble me. All I can do is wish them the best and let him know we are here for him if he needs to let some emotion out. 

~For those who asked about my new pups name, I named her Diamond. Even though at times she doesn't look like a pit she is one. ~

Time seems to be slowing down now that I know my stim date. I created a tab for my IVF calendar if you all wanna take a peek. I can't wait to stop taking birth control and say adios to it. Come on October 8th!! I've been in contact with my nurse via email & phone. She's been a trooper with all the request I have been throwing her way. 

I asked her kindly if she can reach out to my insurance in regards to med coverage. When I called they gave me the most generic answer, "it all depends on the pharmacy and brand of meds u get." Ugh! She went through hoops to get all this resolved in a timely manner. I could hear the relieve in her voice when she was done and called me to inform me they will be reaching out to me to ship my meds out. Apparently my insurance wasn't so easy to deal with. They gave her so many numbers and misinformation that it became a bit frustrating. Her exact words were "I am so glad you did not have to deal with this." Poor thing. 

I still don't know if they will be covering meds full, partially, certain percentage. They will give me that information once they call me to confirm shipping. J and I are still praying that it's something we can afford after our unexpected out of pocket expense for surgery. 

Speaking of which: they owe me a refund. Everyone quoted a price before deductible was covered. Since my deductible was met with the facility pmt, everything else was either covered 100% or 80%. 

Anyhoo, I was pretty stoked to see we will have a bit more in our pockets for medication. Yay! Well I'm still in the waiting game. Trying to enjoy my caffeine before I have to say buh bye to it. I can't believe there's 3 months left and another year is over. How time flies!! 
Birth control. I've missed you so much I dreaded on the day you will make an appearance into my life again. Having that week off of birth control was heaven. Now I have been instructed to start them up again and my calendar is in the works. Crossing my fingers they only have me on these shenanigans for 2 weeks this time around. It's only day 2 and my stomach is already hating them. I finally got to see the lovely bill for my hysteroscopy and was impressed. Weird since my insurance didn't pay 100% of the cost since I had a deductible. My insurance got billed for the physician, facility, & anesthesia. I had paid the facility and physician fee on the day before my surgery like they had instructed me to. I was told anesthesia was going to bill me 2 weeks later. I paid a total of $1,564 for facility and physician so I was holding my breath on the anesthesia bill. As I was opening the claim I saw they covered 100% of the anesthesia cost. (Phew!

Good news is that my deductible is done with at this point. I reached out to my nurse today to see of they can call my insurance on med coverage bc when I call I have no idea on what meds I would be taking since I never received a calendar at my IVF consultation due to my unexpected surgery to remove my polyps. She said she will have some answers for me tomorrow and assured me they will go with the preferred pharmacy for my insurance to get the most coverage if I have any. In case I don't a dear friend offered her left over IVF meds if I were to use any that she used for her protocol. She's such a sweetheart. 

I'm starting to develop a bittersweet feeling. The fear of this all is accumulating  inside of my emotions, the fear of this not working. The fear that J's concentration levels continue to decrease. I don't know what I would do if they ever told me J's swimmers were...poof! The only major change is that he rides his motorcycle to work now. I need to research if that affects his swimmers. Well a little more waiting. 

To be continued....

I will leave u with a pic of my precious puppy that I got for my bday. 
I have to say getting and IV is the worst. Someone told me it was the worst part of the procedure and I laughed. I guess jokes on me. Right now I feel good, I am not experiencing pain at this point besides my hand that got stabbed for the iv. I'm sure once the pain medication leaves my system I would have to pop a pill. I honestly couldn't see much of a difference between the before n after pics. It was interesting I was just still out of it. He was pleased to say everything went well and I was ready to have babies. Lets just hope that is the case bc this surgery alone took a big chunk out of our savings intended for medication. 

I was instructed to stop my BCP this Sunday. Apparently being on them too long is not recommended. They actually had to change my BCP bc the others made me get a full flow for three or four days. These r still making me spot but its bare able. Now I play the waiting game to get the clearance to move fwd with IVF. 

Whoa! I honestly believed I knew everything there is to know about IVF, until today. My mind is all over the place right now. Ok. Let me rewind back to my actual IVF consult w/ Dr. Brown on Tuesday of last week. 

Before this appointment I was expecting to go in there and get the whole shebang. As far as my protocol, calendar, etc. instead we got a little debrief of what IVF is and what are the clinics procedures. We also briefly discussed our prior IUI and how we agreed to move fwd to IVF if we weren't successful. She thought this was our 100% absolute best option. J's concentration has decrease tremendously since we started treatment.  We both knew it had a lot to do with his drinking and smoking. Of course we didn't mention this to Dr B bc she had already asked him to stop all that. Again we both know he may stop for a couple weeks but get back to it. Dr. B says that they only do IVF w/ ICSI so he doesn't have to work hard at trying to increase his swimmers. I know this doesn't guarantee fertilization but it gives me hope. Since I have irregular cycles she mentioned that I was already at risk for OHSS, Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. This means my cycle is already at risk of possible cancellation. Ugh! Lets just hope that doesn't happen. On Monday, I went in for my mock transfer which in turn I was told I needed a hysteroscopy. Why? Bc my endometrial lining looked bumpy, meaning possible polyps. Yay me!! i have my surgery scheduled for September 4th.  

Although my treatment is being delayed I did have an IVF class to learn about my protocol, medication, injections, etc. I feel so confident about using injections and when the time comes my hand becomes jello. J works nights so I'm solo on this, he is going to try his best to get a schedule change during that time so he can be here. He doesn't want me to go through all this alone besides he can practice so when the intramuscular injections come around he won't be so tough on me. 

As of now a calendar wasn't given to me since my surgery is still pending. Once the surgery is done with I have to wait until my Dr clears me and then I can proceed. Dr B is leaving on maternity leave. She did such a great job hiding it bc I had no idea she was pregnant. What does this mean for me? Well her leave is going to take a toll on out of pocket expenses. She was the only Dr in the clinic that was considered a ObGYn so my insurance covered 90% of the cost even if my deductible wasn't met. Now they won't cover anything until my deductible is met. Even after its met I am responsible for 20% of the cost. I guess it's not so great to plan ahead bc things don't always go ur way. We saved money for medication and the other out of pocket expenses. This unexpected surgery is taking a big chunk from my savings. The nurse assures me that my insurance is covering a big portion of it but I still need to cover my deductible. Not only do I have to a physician fee, I also need to pay a facility fee plus anesthesia fee. As of now I don't even know how much I truly owe them but my gut feeling is telling me its not going to be pretty. 

So here I am playing the waiting game again. It's a never ending game. BCP are not doing my body good. I'm constantly bleeding or spotting. I was instructed to stop them after surgery until my Dr clears me bc I have already been on them way to long. You think??! 
Wow. It's been way to long since I wrote a post. I have to be honest I am having a difficult time keeping up with blogs. My vaca has kept me entertained and now I am back at work trying to catch up. So I truly apologize for being absent. 

Well thee vaca was awesome!!! I was sad to see it end so quickly. There were birthday celebrations, a wedding, and just plain ol going out. I can say I 100% enjoyed it! It's been way to long since I have felt myself. After all this journey takes a toll on all of us. Since I don't have  time to spare I will just give u a brief description of what I did while I was away. 

First we celebrated my birthday!! Well it was a combined celebration for my BIL and moi. To top it off, after 8 years our mothers FINALLY met! Can you believe that? Kind of strange that J and I have been together so long but our parents have never met. Unfortunately, my father was not present but I know the day will come when the opportunity presents itself again. 

I can honestly say I detest alcohol right now. I hardly ever drink when I'm home so while on vaca I said what the hell. I can't bare to see or smell alcoholic beverages now. Which is a good thing, right? On my actual BDAY we went to San Diego to explore. I had a blast! J was so sweet to tag along considering he was the only male. He truly loves me! <3
During the week my MIL host a bible study. She wanted us to be apart of it and so we were. I never imagined she would break down during the study. Her words touched my heart that it was hard not to break down myself. I never knew someone who is already a mother would know exactly what I feel in regards to my infertility. Let me rephrase that...someone who has not experience infertility themselves. I love her to death she has been such a blessing in my life. J's family has accepted me into their family with open warm hearted arms and for that I am grateful. Before the study was over they said a little prayer for us so we can get our miracle baby soon. 

The day before the wedding we decided to go out and indulge in some fun. I wa so grateful it wa the last weekend we were there bc I truly began to detest alcohol at this point. I could not drink any of the nasty beverages that were given to me. All in all it was nice to go out and spend time with the people we loved. 

The following day was my SIL's special day...her LAST CHANCE to run. Lol Jk! I can tell by the look in her eyes that she was truly happy. Everyone danced the night away and I found a corner to fall asleep in at 1am. Haha! My MIL found me and said I should go inside to sleep. That day was full of emotions. I was able to reevaluate my current situation realizing I am 100% happy and I know one day I will be a mother. 

I know I have been slacking on updating my blog lately. Lately I can't seem to wrap my mind around infertility. My heartaches not only for my struggles but for those who have held on to hope time and time again, treatment after treatment just to get the same unbearable news. This week I've had two emotional breakdowns that I cant seem to shake off. Could it be the stupid BCP that I am on? Probably I hate taking those tiny, make me a hormonal bitch pills. To top it off it irks me that I will be on my menstrual flow during my vacay. Thanks to these lovely, awesomeness of pills. Oh well! J says he doesn't notice the difference in my personna. Apparently I am a ball of emotions since my diagnosis. BOO! Infertility you suck!

Anywho, I don't know how long I will be in BC or when I will start stimming. All I know at this point is that Dr. Brown wants to have an IVF consult before we move forward. My appointment is set for the 20th of August, 6 days after my 24th BDAY. Originally my appointment was set for the 15th of August but I will be relishing on my long awaited vacay. A part of me feels guilty. Guilty that I will be starting my new position on the 1st of August then I say goodbye on the 7th returning until the 21st. Yikes! I will be gone almost the whole month. I have no idea what Dr. Brown is going to say SOOO I am in a bit of a predicament trying to predict the future.

As some of you may have read a previous post on my insurance coverage, I actually have an update on that. This past weekend I received a bill from my clinic, I wasn't quite surprise because I always check my claims, when I opened my bill it was like a was smacked across the face with a WTF expression. My first thought was ok well I don't mind paying it then in 2.9 seconds I was like WAIT my insurance already paid my portion using my HRA account. Here I go again phoning up my insurance to see what the heck is going on. Sure enough they had just mailed payment to the clinic and as a matter of fact they just had negotiated the check a couple days after the bill was generated. PHEW! While I was on the phone with them I started questioning some of my claims. I began to notice a difference in billing, depending on what Dr it was billed under my insurance would either pay 0% or 90%. Turns out Dr. Brown is not considered a specialist in their contracts/system, she is registered as a OBGYN/ RE. What does that mean exactly?? Well my friends as long as I see Dr. Brown my insurance will cover 90/10, I am only responsible for 10% of the bill, even if my deductible has not been met. The reason: she is viewed as my primary care physician instead of my specialist. Awesome! I was to excited to ask her to elaborate if this will be deducted from my infertility balance. It might since I remember them doing the same thing with my previous clinic. Insurance have sneeky ways and when you find them its a bittersweet feeling!!

Now I leave you with a lovely painting "my nieces" did. Why the ""? Well we were all bored so we all painted something in that painting. Want to guess what I did?

I don't know where my mind was off to today. Like come on who forgets about their beta appointment? Well apparently this lil lady did. I knew it was today, at least I tell myself that, I just completely forgot what time. Around 7:30 am I decided to give them a ring to ask if and when I had to come in for my BW.

Nurse: "Oh let's see we have you down @ 7am." 
Me: "(laughing) Oooh wow! I am sooo sorry I completely forgot." 
Nurse: "oh no worries. Just BW come in when you have a chance." 

Just BW?? Really?! I mean I know she meant no harm in saying it in that form of way but still! It's like saying its not important come tomorrow if you like. Which of course I was their in 10 mins. This weird feeling ran through me. Could have been my conscience knowing that, like every other cycle, it did not work. Or is it because I finally accepted the fact that IVF will bring us our little miracle. I believe so it will work. J hides his emotions when it comes to this roller coaster. He can't help it...I know he's scared about the outcome, me, and finances. Sure we have insurance who has been wonderful to us this far BUT IVF is a whole new step. I read through everything I could in regards to our coverage. I was left in a UGH! Mental state. Ok, so I know you cover infertility that's not my concern. What is my coverage?? Gave them a ringer and this is what they had to say. 

Fertility Coverage
20k lifetime (this worries me)
Medication covered as long as in net work BUT its part of the 20k max. 

Now they don't cover 100%. We are responsible for of course our deductible. Then after that they cover 80 or 90% so were responsible for the rest. 

20k doesn't seem like a lot, which I agree, but keep in mind everything is in network. So even though the clinic might have their own pricing the insurance does not go off of it. Typically they pay 50% -70% less than what they're asking for. All depending on how they're getting billed. I do recall speaking with one of the nurses regarding my coverage and she assured me that even if I went through IVF I would have plenty left. I am taking your word for it woman!! 

Given that my vacay is coming soon I will have to discuss with Dr. Brown on the protocol of my cycle. Thinking of asking her to keep me on BCP until I come back from my get away. Waiting on AF so I can set up my consult with Dr B to get this show on the road. 

Well some good news did come my way today. I interviewed for a new position about a week ago and just got the word today that I got it. Again my vacay messes with training so they don't know when my official start date will be. I already express my concerns on being able to take the time off to get my medical things done and they will be able to work with me. Yay! 

Happy Hump Day Everyone!!

Words cannot express on how I feel today. It's effin Friday!! Who doesn't look forward to this day? If you don't what planet do you live on? 

It's strange how nothing truly matters on a Friday. M-Th I can get easily annoyed. You will not catch me in a bad mood on this divine day, especially if its payday!! Sincerely, I thought I would be sad today given that I sold my FiRST EVER CAR yesterday. (Paid out of my own expense.) I'm actually pretty thrilled that we sold it this fast. Now I don't have to feel as stress about mula for our make a baby procedure. 

It would be a lie to say that I wont miss it sometimes but the outcome overcomes those feelings. I think I will take out J to a nice dinner this weekend. Yes, I will invite the Hubs or heck I will even buy him a drink to say thank you for getting it done in a timely fashion. I was so fearful that we wouldn't have the money before we started IVF that I was taking on unneeded stress. Now all I have to do is enjoy my weekend. Happy Friday everyone!!! 

I've attempted to stay optimistic time and time again. I just don't know if I can hold on to that hope any longer. The days, months, and years are passing by with no sign of a miracle baby. I've grown tired of people asking what I would name my future daughter/son. I'm surprised I haven't blurted out "you mean the child I probably will never have?" 

Could it be the side effects of Prometrium that has me depress lately? The bloatedness hasn't subsided. Sure it comes and goes but when it decides to stick around I curse for it to go away. It's gotten so bad that I cant sleep at night. The cramping also lingers around making me think AF is on her merry little way. I'm 8dpo with no boob pain whatsoever. Weird thing is that my temps did not rise until I started taking the P. Yesterday, a couple hours after inserting the P, I notice light reddish/pinkish spotting on my panty liner. Once I wiped there was absolutely nothing!! I know my tears won't do anything so there's no point in crying now until I see that BFN.  

At this point I have to breath and come to terms that I will definitely be embarking on a new journey. I'm scared to death that I won't respond well. That IVF won't work and I will be left with a pool of pain. I need to fill the hole in my heart that is aching. 

On a good note: I have done an awesome job avoiding caffeine and alcohol. 

Yesterday was not what I expected it to be. My last two IUIs have felt like a procedural experience. As if I was given a number to wait my turn.I guess I got so use to this process that I didnt imagine how different the experience could be. Like always Nurse Christine did a spontaneous job. Her work ethic amazes me sometimes.

Before anything was started she went over somethings with me and double checked that J's buddies were the ones she had. She began the insemination having a wee bit difficulty getting the catheter through (since i have such a stubborn cervix). Once she got the catheter in she inserted that lovely stick to do a transvaginal u/s. She wanted to make sure everything still looked beautiful (as she puts it) before releasing the little swimmers. Lining looked great. I still had not ovulated but they appeared ready to collapse. When she released J's swimmers you just saw a bunch of white lines. It was quite an experience. During the u/s she didnt measure anything it was just a way for her to ensure that everything looked great and she was making the deposit at the right place.

After the procedure I got extremely bloated. It was an unbearable feeling. I kid you not when I say it was such a sudden, who am I kidding it wasnt sudden, painful weird feeling when I ovulated. Sure I have felt this before but not as severe. I literately started walking as if I had an accident in my chonis. I went home straight to bed until the pain subsided. At this point all I can do is relax and pray to God to allow this miracle to happen. Everything looked picture perfect on my side but J provided his lowest sample yet. Never did I imagine that the tables would turn. Sure I still have complications on my side but now its a combination of both. I've seen J frustrated, stress, delighted, angry, etc. BUT its rare when I see him sad. If this IUI doesnt take he has a lot to think about. Maybe sacrifice alcohol & cigarettes for the sake of having a child?

Let the dreaded 2WW begin!
After what felt like an eternity, i finally had my follie check u/s today. Nurse Christine was delighted with what she saw. I in the other had left trying to maintain an optimistic perspective. The drive from the clinic to work is less than 15 minutes, so my mind was on overdrive with a bunch of what ifs. My intuition kicked in since my CD3 u/s, something told me that my left side wanted to get some attention this medicated cycle. Wish granted! You got my effin attention. The u/s revealed 4 potential follies, which are as follows:

Left Ovary: 16mm & 13mm

Right Ovary 15mm & 12mm

Lining: 7 mm

I could be mixing the 13 & 12mm since my mind went in a haze. After Nurse Christine was done with the u/s I sat there silently as she explained what she saw and if I had to come back for another u/s or not. She checked with Dr B and they decided it was not needed since in their eyes my response was beautiful. I expressed my worries to the nurse in regards to the stubborn side becoming the dominant side. She assured me a million times that I will be fine. She expressed her satisfaction with my response and said how excited she was for how I responded. (DEEP BREATH) So I decided to just go with it, be worry free trusting their intuition. Besides I am already going into this with the mentality of doing IVF next cycle so whats the big deal,eh? No more u/s they are confident the follies will be mature by my IUI date. In reality I did respond better to letrozole than clomid. On both cycles of clomid my CD 12 u/s showed follies of 13mm or smaller. I am currently on CD 11 with two follies bigger than 13mm. The IUI is scheduled for Monday @ 9:30am, meaning I would have to take the Ovidrel on Saturday @ 9:30pm. J is on a no alcohol lock down this weekend so he can provide his sample on Monday. All I can do now is just hope for the best and let things develop as they should. Come on ovary don't fail me now!

Today marks the last day of letrozole. I must point out that the side effects are minimal to none. LOVE! Minor headaches that lasted about an hour or less. Nothing I cannot bare. Emotion wise, I am all over the place. Some days i can be in a state of tranquility then in a blink of an eye my emotions seem like a jagged edge. You know those lines that have their high and low points? The ones that look like they are clueless as to what direction they should take off in. Yup. That will be me at this point in time.

One thing I can be 100% sure of is how content I am that I got my iMac back. Long story internet = no need for computer. WALA! Internet. Me to my cousin, "So...funny thing. I just got internet...I am going to need my precious well missed compu back into my life." The experience is priceless when you are stuck looking at that petite screen on your phone for almost 3 years. Yes, I said years. Apparently, we weren't in a cool enough area to have internet until now. With these new changes J impulsively felt he needed to go off and buy a desk plus take over our spare room. In my world spare room equals future nursery. A part of me felt like this was it...this is a sign that I am holding on to an unrealistic dream. J's perspective we have an additional room that can easily be converted into a nursery when the time comes. Who cares that that room is currently used as a guest room with a queen size bed. Overreacting much? Bleh! I have to admit there was a great outcome out of this major change. Besides computer love. jk! J finally has a private place to draw his heart away. I sure have missed his artistic side.

Hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

The perfect word of what I am searching for this cycle. Things haven't been picture perfect in our TTC world. Maybe they never will but I want to continue to have hope that everything happens for a reason.

AND if I do embark in thee IVF world I will embrace it. Learn from it and appreciate it if it means I get to hold my baby in my arms.

Until then I will patiently wait for Thursday to see if my fabulous bod decided to do something different/ splendid. For now I will continue to sip on my blueberry/spinach smoothie.

My follow up appointment was yesterday. Or should I say the "lets get this shit rolling" appointment? It seriously has felt like I have waiting MONTHS to get this going again. Probably has to do with my cycles being bonkers doing what it wants when it wants. REBEL! So I walked in to Dr. B's office and sat in a comfy couch after she greeted me. She proceeded to go over BW results, which all of them came back normal except my cholesterol. I knew my cholesterol was over the normal range but not excessively but of course she would want me to lower it. Another family heredity. Its been two years people and I just cant get it below the normal range! Its not my fault...I love food way to much. She also pulled up the results for the saline test. I braced myself for this one. Dr. B's face showed tranquility so I relaxed a bit. She began with telling me my uterus looks normal but it is tilted to the right. As the HSG determined my left tube is indeed blocked. In a way I was expecting to hear those result. Even though deep down inside I wanted a miracle to happen. I wanted her to say that the HSG was a fluke and the left tuby is wide open. She reiterated that having one tube didnt decrease my chances of conceiving we just need to monitor closely to ensure the correct side will be ovulating.

After the discussion on my results ended we moved foward with creating a plan. She showed me a chart of our possibilites on conceiving naturally vs IUI vs IVF. Our chances naturally are basicall 1-2% given that we have been trying for over 2 years. IUI was a measly 8%. IVF 60%. Pointed out that many couples prefer to go with the less aggressive treatment because they dont feel like they are physically or mentally ready for it. Others view it as, Why do something that is only going to give me a 10% chance or less? I couldnt disagree with her statement. I have frequently questioned myself what I am waiting for. The answer to that is...NEEDLES! I detest them but my longing for a child is greater than my fear for those poky things. I have actually discussed it with J in regards to jumping on board with IVF. I feel 100% comfortable with this clinic, besides the whole insurance issue, that going this route seems logical now. J wants us to wait a bit before embarking on this new treatment. Of course if this is what I want then he is right their to hold my hand. I honestly believe he fears for my life. He has expressed more than once that all this medication isnt good for me. His fear of something going wrong or not working holds him back. That was my mentality as well, at some point of time. After everything I have found out I gained a different perspective. If this is the road God is leading me to then in the end I will be a stronger person. Hopefully.

I expressed my thoughts to Dr. B about IVF letting her know we have discussed it and are willing to give it a try sooner rather than later. Unfortunately, at the moment we have vacation intervening with that process. Do to us being out of town for almost two weeks we decided to with another IUI cycle. Besides Dr B say they recommend 3 IUIs before moving on to IVF. This protocal is going to be slightly different. I will be going in for my baseline u/s between CD 1-3, taking letrozole (femara) CD 5-9, going in for a follicle check on CD11, once ready I will be triggering, IUI, and last progesterone until my BETA test. Not entirely different just some minor changes. I've never taken progesterone or letrozole (Femara). Hoping that my body strongly reacts to Femara.

Another issue arose during our conversation. Dr. B said she went over all my test done by Dr M as well as J's semen analysis. Everything look great on my side but J's concetration levels have been on the low side. She said that although his overall results are good that can prevent the sperm from getting where they need to be. BOO! Im glad she pointed this out because J needed a wake up call. She asked him to stop smoking not just for his own sake but for mine. At first he seemed all for it but that didnt last long. After I delivered the news to him and gave him his protocal on taking Vitamin C, E, L-Carnitine, & L-Arginine he was speechless. I will be stopping by and picking these babies up so he can start taking them. Like always he is content to do what it takes.

Now we just wait for good ol AF to come knocking on my door. I have no idea when O actually occured since I stop BBT right around those dates. Anywhere between CD21-24 which is a bit later than usual if I O on CD24.

Enough on the TTC stuff. I am all about change so I made a major change to my appearance. YES, I chopped it all off! My hair of course. My hair became unbareable and extremely damaged.



So far I don't regret it. 
Can get a bit complicated.
Should you go out have fun and worry less that the deed is probably not going to get done.
Just like I suspected...I wasn't out of my funk to have that excitement for J's bday. On friday he called me to get ready because he wanted to go out. After much debate of getting out of it I finally managed to get out of bed. I wanted to do this for him. I wanted to show him I am still here, sowhere deep down inside. Once we left our home to meet with everyone a part of me felt like it was struggling to keep up with the fake smile. Maybe 10 minutes past when I told J I was going home. I couldnt do this, he deserved more than anything to enjoy his weekend and not have to deal with an emotional wreck.

He wasnt please that those words came out of my mouth. He couldn't understand why I was doing this to him. Frankly, I couldn't either. That little argument made me feel like I was the worst wife in the world. It was his bday weekend and all I could think of is "Great I am ovulating and theres no baby dance involved." Selfish, much? Luckily, people walked out and interrupted our not so "private" conversation. I told him I would make the effort and so I did. During the night he noticed I was truly trying. Of course he said he appreciated it. In reality the reason I could not bring myself to enjoy the event was for one reason only. Unappreciative mothers. I can't seem to wrap my mind around these women who don't appreciate what they have.

Once the sun was up J and I spoke about how I was feeling. He basically told me I need to stop worrying so much about how other people raise or don't raise their kids. If they want to appreciate them or not its not our business. Sure sometimes its hard to watch parents consume themselves in drugs, alcohol, etc. but ultimately there's nothing we can do. If we choose to speak up they take it as an offense and say things like "you have no right on telling me how to raise my kid(s) when ur not a parent." Do these people actually see their kids as just a paycheck at the end of the year?

Surprisingly after our convo I felt like celebrating. Seeing J have a good time made me feel elated. BUT seeing him open his presents was quite priceless. He reminded me of a little kid getting new toys. The weekend before his bday we went walking around the mall. Sneaky as he is I knew this was his plan to show me what he wanted. I bought him Oakley shades and a couple of t-shirts. J doesn't make the effort to buy new clothing unless I buy them or I push him to buy some while were shopping. I dont know if its a guy thing or he just doesnt like shopping.

I was hesitating on writing this post because I truly felt as if I was a horrible wife. I still think I was being extremely selfish. He has reassured me a million times that if we dont get our miracle baby he will always love me. A part of me feels like once he is older and everyone around him has kids he would develop resentment towards me. Its probably my mind playing tricks on me but just the thought scares me.

On Monday I was sitting in my living room watching TV when I got a text from my cousin. He sent me the following link
. I found it quite interesting. Sure there's a lot of apps that help you pin point ovulation but what I found amazing was the fact that they actually work with fertility clinics to send the info you have inputted. If pregnancy is not achieved within 10 months then they split the money they have earned/saved between couples to go get checked out or start treatment. This man has donated 1 million to start the saving funds. What I found amazing by it is that he has never experienced infertility but his co-workers have so they wanted to create something that will show insurance companies that this in fact is a medical problem. Maybe this will open new doors on covering infertility. Definitely a great start.
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