It's official!

What I had assumed became reality. From the start of our cycle I knew there was something off. It didn't feel the same, my body was not acting in the same format as the previous FET. I just kept telling myself they know best, if they feel I'm progressing then so be it. 

To say that I'm 100% ok would be an absolute lie. Do I accept it? Yes. Everyone around me seems more upset than I do. J even pointed out that this didn't affect me as much as last time. Is it numbness? No. I just found peace and comfort in The Lord. I truly believe he will make me a mother. 

During my transfer I found out my Dr left to Houston to deliver babies. I was sort of shocked that no one bothered to tell me he left. The only thing on my mind was, "Who's gonna be my Dr now?" I let my nurse know when she was drawing blood work for my beta that I already knew it was negative. I wanted to know who my Dr was going to be. I also made it extremely clear that I did not want to see Dr A for asshole. After my miscarriage I was not fond on how he delivered the news. She was in the room so she knew what I was referring to when she mentioned his name. I left and she took it upon herself to talk to the new Dr and proposed to her to take me as a patient. As I expected I received a call from Dr Baltazar later that day asking if I could come in so we can create a new plan and get in the same page. 

She just moved from Alaska, military husband, and promised me she was here to stay. She wants to personally handle my treatment and gave me her word to always be there when I'm scheduled and be 100% honest. (Drs tend to rely on other Drs in the office to cover for them when they're out or unexpected events happen.) As she began to go over my file she made a comment about my file being extremely informative. Hence thick file. She would not expect that at my age. Which reminded me of a convo J and I had over the weekend. I basically told him this cycle is going to snap them back into reality. Yes I'm young but there's obviously something wrong here. Stop writing it off as badluck. 

She asked about our first FET and the results of it. She then mentioned how our genetic testing came back abnormal. Excuse me!! I was told it was normal. Fail. Our baby was not genetically normal he had a chromosome translocation. The reason they assumed it was normal was because the lab titled it normal genetic male, as u continued to read the report it says otherwise. To say I was shocked is an understatement. What's worst to know or not to know? 

Once we got passed that we discussed our next steps. She wants me to do another hysteroscopy to make sure polyps did not grow back. I declined and said I rather do saline ultrasound first because I don't just have a thousand dollars laying around. Unless it's medically necessary no thanks. We discussed my tube blockage and the effect it has on implantation. She said she has to agree with Dr. Brown's prognosis on it not affecting implantation due to blockage being in the uterus. She promised to review my x-ray again to confirm. I received a text from my nurser that she would want to perform an HSG again to get a new X-Ray. I am sort of glad this clinic performs their own HSGs and I don't have to go elsewhere. During our appointment I pointed out that birth control and I don't mesh well together. Ultimately I believe it affects my lining. She explained that they normally place you on birth control when women have irregular cycles, which I do, then asked me if I am able to pin point ovulation. I do! I do! At least I have something functioning in my body that I am able to know when I am ovulating even if its later than the norm.  

Dr B was actually pretty pleased that I brought the no birth control topic in our discussion. I explained to her that during my IVF cycle I was on BCP for a long time due to unexpected surgery and scheduling issues. My lining was the size they wanted it but not tripled. At first I assumed it was the start of OHSS because they saw fluid in my uterus. With my 1st FET i saw with my own eyes that my lining was tripled. 2nd FET I was on BCP for more than 3 weeks again scheduling issues, no triple lining. Is it a coincidence? Dont think so! She was excited that we were at least of the same page as far as the uterus needing a little work before we proceed with another FET. We also discussed the fact that IF for whatever reason my lining is not tripled then we will cancel the transfer. I'm ok with this. Its possible that at the moment if this would occur I would be devastated but we also dont want to risk losing another two embryos. After talking to a few fellow friends who've had success with FET/IVF assisted hatching was brought to my attention.

You guess it...I asked her about it and mentioned the fact that embryologist believe the shell hardens after the embryos are frozen. She smiled and told me to stay off the internet. She admitted that yes some of it its true but it also depends on age. She says in her years of treating patients that she can gather a group that say AH allowed them to be successful as well as another group with the same amount of people that would say otherwise. Of course she did not want to persuade me not to do it but she is a bit nervous given my age, smh my age hasnt gotten me pregnant yet, and the percentage of one or two splitting to identical twins. Her plan is to get me pregnant not to get me there and give me more complications. Regardless she would talk to embryologist since he's the expert.

After i left the appointment I texted my nurse to ask her her honest opinion about AH. IHO- she believes it helps. So i threw it in there that Dr B was against it because of my age. The sweet nurse as she is, she assured me that wasnt the case. She said I have no idea how many people in this clinic wanted my next cycle to be successful and they will do whatever it takes to get me there. (tear) She promised me to she will talk to T, embryologist, in regards to my case and we can go from there. A couple days later she text me to confirm my appointment and mentioned that AH will be done with this next FET. They dont normally do it but in my case he will since our FETs haven't been successful.

So...thursday is the day I find out if surgery is needed or if we can continue with our FET cycle. J is a little apprehensive about everything. he feels like they haven't given us any answers and when I told him the risk of AH he says he doesn't know if that is the best thing for us. He doesn't want to risk losing an embryo or two just because of it. We're a team so when the day comes and he still doesnt feel comfortable then we will decline. He's also against me having any further surgeries, I love him to pieces for being so concern with me but I told him that if I dont feel like I gave it my all it will eat me up inside.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you..." (Isaiah 43:2 NIV)
Next PostNewer Post Previous PostOlder Post Home

15 comments:

  1. Sorry you've had to deal with the frustrations of lack of communication (regarding an abnormal embryo) and now embarking on yet another attempt with new circumstances. I hope in some small way it's reassuring to know why that pregnancy didn't make it though. It does take a little guesswork out of that instance in particular, even though I know it's still not easy. If you feel AH and/or surgery is right for you, I hope that the peace with that decision continues and that J will understand the benefits as well. I'm sure he just doesn't want to see you go through anything more at this point, but I think it's great you are looking at everything through a magnifying glass and asking so many ?'s. Stuff does get missed, and it's the proactive patients that catch them when they do! Good for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Em! Strangely I do find comfort knowing what happened. The fear was always in the back of my mind that my body just didn't know how to be pregnant so it got rid of the baby.

      Delete
  2. Like you said from the very beginning, if you have a gut feeling it's usually right. Every single time I have just had a feeling it did not prove me wrong.
    I am so sorry this process is being strung out even more and that the normal/abnormal results they gave you were incorrect. That is precious information to be given to someone to then find out someone just didn't read correctly.

    When it comes times you will know what decision to make and I will keep you in my prayers for sure!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't it strange that our bodies just speak to us? Who else would know our bodies better than ourselves.

      Delete
  3. I'm glad that you followed your gut. Mine is never wrong. This process has been such a struggle for you, but I'm hoping that you're in good hands and this final hurdle will finally be it for you. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, I pray that we both get our miracles soon. We both deserve a break.

      Delete
  4. Hmm, i'm wondering if they can do AH with one of the two embryos you'd be implanting... maybe that might be a fair compromise if its possible? We did the AH and had both embryos implant (though lost the one)... regardless, i'm glad you have a good game plan and a new dr this time around who will hopefully bring you success! Praying for you girl!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She was totally for both today! She seemed pretty excited with our new game plan.

      Delete
  5. Wow I can't believe they didn't tell you about the abnormal embryo! What a lack of communication!

    You and J sound like such a team. I'm sure you would make amazing parents and I hope the new Dr makes your dream come true :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you(: no one is perfect but we try our best to not kill each other. Just kidding!

      Delete
  6. Hi JoJo,
    I found your blog during my 2ww and it's eerie how similar our stories are. I too had my first BFP in Jan of this year only to be followed by a M/C at 6wks then D&C in mid Feb. It took me over 5 weeks to get AF and then I did my second stim cycle. I did my FET #2 on June 19th, a day before you. I found out too that this cycle was a BFN. Like you I am struggling. I'm sadden another woman has to go through this painful journey, but wanted you to know I found your blog so helpful during my struggles.

    Wishing us both baby dusts in future attempts!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry you had to experience the same journey. It saddens me that we have to go through so much. I pray and hope we both get our miracle babies soon. Glad to hear you found some comfort in my words. If you ever need anyone to talk to I'm always here.

      Delete
    2. Thanks so much JoJo. I so hope we get that miracle we dream of. I am looking forward to hearing great news. Best wishes and thank you for being there.

      Delete
  7. How frustrating! I am so sorry you're going through all of this. Praying for the next cycle, that AH will work like a charm. Hang in there. We all want you to succeed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you(: I appreciate that.

      Delete