I know I have been slacking on updating my blog lately. Lately I can't seem to wrap my mind around infertility. My heartaches not only for my struggles but for those who have held on to hope time and time again, treatment after treatment just to get the same unbearable news. This week I've had two emotional breakdowns that I cant seem to shake off. Could it be the stupid BCP that I am on? Probably I hate taking those tiny, make me a hormonal bitch pills. To top it off it irks me that I will be on my menstrual flow during my vacay. Thanks to these lovely, awesomeness of pills. Oh well! J says he doesn't notice the difference in my personna. Apparently I am a ball of emotions since my diagnosis. BOO! Infertility you suck!

Anywho, I don't know how long I will be in BC or when I will start stimming. All I know at this point is that Dr. Brown wants to have an IVF consult before we move forward. My appointment is set for the 20th of August, 6 days after my 24th BDAY. Originally my appointment was set for the 15th of August but I will be relishing on my long awaited vacay. A part of me feels guilty. Guilty that I will be starting my new position on the 1st of August then I say goodbye on the 7th returning until the 21st. Yikes! I will be gone almost the whole month. I have no idea what Dr. Brown is going to say SOOO I am in a bit of a predicament trying to predict the future.

As some of you may have read a previous post on my insurance coverage, I actually have an update on that. This past weekend I received a bill from my clinic, I wasn't quite surprise because I always check my claims, when I opened my bill it was like a was smacked across the face with a WTF expression. My first thought was ok well I don't mind paying it then in 2.9 seconds I was like WAIT my insurance already paid my portion using my HRA account. Here I go again phoning up my insurance to see what the heck is going on. Sure enough they had just mailed payment to the clinic and as a matter of fact they just had negotiated the check a couple days after the bill was generated. PHEW! While I was on the phone with them I started questioning some of my claims. I began to notice a difference in billing, depending on what Dr it was billed under my insurance would either pay 0% or 90%. Turns out Dr. Brown is not considered a specialist in their contracts/system, she is registered as a OBGYN/ RE. What does that mean exactly?? Well my friends as long as I see Dr. Brown my insurance will cover 90/10, I am only responsible for 10% of the bill, even if my deductible has not been met. The reason: she is viewed as my primary care physician instead of my specialist. Awesome! I was to excited to ask her to elaborate if this will be deducted from my infertility balance. It might since I remember them doing the same thing with my previous clinic. Insurance have sneeky ways and when you find them its a bittersweet feeling!!

Now I leave you with a lovely painting "my nieces" did. Why the ""? Well we were all bored so we all painted something in that painting. Want to guess what I did?

I don't know where my mind was off to today. Like come on who forgets about their beta appointment? Well apparently this lil lady did. I knew it was today, at least I tell myself that, I just completely forgot what time. Around 7:30 am I decided to give them a ring to ask if and when I had to come in for my BW.

Nurse: "Oh let's see we have you down for...um @ 7am." 
Me: "(laughing) Oooh wow! I am sooo sorry I completely forgot." 
Nurse: "oh no worries. Just BW come in when you have a chance." 

Just BW?? Really?! I mean I know she meant no harm in saying it in that form of way but still! It's like saying its not important come tomorrow if you like. Which of course I was their in 10 mins. This weird feeling ran through me. Could have been my conscience knowing that, like every other cycle, it did not work. Or is it because I finally accepted the fact that IVF will bring us our little miracle. I believe so it will work. J hides his emotions when it comes to this roller coaster. He can't help it...I know he's scared about the outcome, me, and finances. Sure we have insurance who has been wonderful to us this far BUT IVF is a whole new step. I read through everything I could in regards to our coverage. I was left in a UGH! Mental state. Ok, so I know you cover infertility that's not my concern. What is my coverage?? Gave them a ringer and this is what they had to say. 

Fertility Coverage
20k lifetime (this worries me)
Medication covered as long as in net work BUT its part of the 20k max. 

Now they don't cover 100%. We are responsible for of course our deductible. Then after that they cover 80 or 90% so were responsible for the rest. 

20k doesn't seem like a lot, which I agree, but keep in mind everything is in network. So even though the clinic might have their own pricing the insurance does not go off of it. Typically they pay 50% -70% less than what they're asking for. All depending on how they're getting billed. I do recall speaking with one of the nurses regarding my coverage and she assured me that even if I went through IVF I would have plenty left. I am taking your word for it woman!! 

Given that my vacay is coming soon I will have to discuss with Dr. Brown on the protocol of my cycle. Thinking of asking her to keep me on BCP until I come back from my get away. Waiting on AF so I can set up my consult with Dr B to get this show on the road. 

Well some good news did come my way today. I interviewed for a new position about a week ago and just got the word today that I got it. Again my vacay messes with training so they don't know when my official start date will be. I already express my concerns on being able to take the time off to get my medical things done and they will be able to work with me. Yay! 

Happy Hump Day Everyone!!

Words cannot express on how I feel today. It's effin Friday!! Who doesn't look forward to this day? If you don't what planet do you live on? 

It's strange how nothing truly matters on a Friday. M-Th I can get easily annoyed. You will not catch me in a bad mood on this divine day, especially if its payday!! Sincerely, I thought I would be sad today given that I sold my FiRST EVER CAR yesterday. (Paid out of my own expense.) I'm actually pretty thrilled that we sold it this fast. Now I don't have to feel as stress about mula for our make a baby procedure. 

It would be a lie to say that I wont miss it sometimes but the outcome overcomes those feelings. I think I will take out J to a nice dinner this weekend. Yes, I will invite the Hubs or heck I will even buy him a drink to say thank you for getting it done in a timely fashion. I was so fearful that we wouldn't have the money before we started IVF that I was taking on unneeded stress. Now all I have to do is enjoy my weekend. Happy Friday everyone!!! 

I've attempted to stay optimistic time and time again. I just don't know if I can hold on to that hope any longer. The days, months, and years are passing by with no sign of a miracle baby. I've grown tired of people asking what I would name my future daughter/son. I'm surprised I haven't blurted out "you mean the child I probably will never have?" 

Could it be the side effects of Prometrium that has me depress lately? The bloatedness hasn't subsided. Sure it comes and goes but when it decides to stick around I curse for it to go away. It's gotten so bad that I cant sleep at night. The cramping also lingers around making me think AF is on her merry little way. I'm 8dpo with no boob pain whatsoever. Weird thing is that my temps did not rise until I started taking the P. Yesterday, a couple hours after inserting the P, I notice light reddish/pinkish spotting on my panty liner. Once I wiped there was absolutely nothing!! I know my tears won't do anything so there's no point in crying now until I see that BFN.  

At this point I have to breath and come to terms that I will definitely be embarking on a new journey. I'm scared to death that I won't respond well. That IVF won't work and I will be left with a pool of pain. I need to fill the hole in my heart that is aching. 

On a good note: I have done an awesome job avoiding caffeine and alcohol. 

Yesterday was not what I expected it to be. My last two IUIs have felt like a procedural experience. As if I was given a number to wait my turn.I guess I got so use to this process that I didnt imagine how different the experience could be. Like always Nurse Christine did a spontaneous job. Her work ethic amazes me sometimes.

Before anything was started she went over somethings with me and double checked that J's buddies were the ones she had. She began the insemination having a wee bit difficulty getting the catheter through (since i have such a stubborn cervix). Once she got the catheter in she inserted that lovely stick to do a transvaginal u/s. She wanted to make sure everything still looked beautiful (as she puts it) before releasing the little swimmers. Lining looked great. I still had not ovulated but they appeared ready to collapse. When she released J's swimmers you just saw a bunch of white lines. It was quite an experience. During the u/s she didnt measure anything it was just a way for her to ensure that everything looked great and she was making the deposit at the right place.

After the procedure I got extremely bloated. It was an unbearable feeling. I kid you not when I say it was such a sudden, who am I kidding it wasnt sudden, painful weird feeling when I ovulated. Sure I have felt this before but not as severe. I literately started walking as if I had an accident in my chonis. I went home straight to bed until the pain subsided. At this point all I can do is relax and pray to God to allow this miracle to happen. Everything looked picture perfect on my side but J provided his lowest sample yet. Never did I imagine that the tables would turn. Sure I still have complications on my side but now its a combination of both. I've seen J frustrated, stress, delighted, angry, etc. BUT its rare when I see him sad. If this IUI doesnt take he has a lot to think about. Maybe sacrifice alcohol & cigarettes for the sake of having a child?

Let the dreaded 2WW begin!
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