Being on a natural cycle this time around it has allowed me to recollect myself and change my perspective a little. Sometimes I feel like I have lost a part of who I am/ was throughout this journey. It didnt really hit me until people started pointed out the fact that I have changed. A part of me wanted to cry because I felt like they didnt understand my reasons for it. In the end I realized that they couldnt begin to comprehend what I was going through. How could they, if they have never been in my shoes?

Anyway, this weekend was splendid certainly unexpected. I knew the wedding was a celebration BUT I didnt know that a family gathering is all I needed. Family and friends flew in from California to celebrate this special day with my brother.


On Thursday it was the bachelorette party. I didnt expect for me to enjoy it that much since I havent been myself. Friends flew in to surprise the Bride to be and send her of with a memorable night. One of those friends was my best friend back in HS. The night started of slowly with a relaxed enviornment. Then in a blink of an eye the night seemed to fly by. Lets just say it seemed like I was the bride to be. LOL! Not my fault she was being so uptight.

When the night ended I was basically being carried out of the club. (SSHH...dont ask) Someone called DH ledding him to believe we didnt have a ride home. With a panic he rushed over to get me but by the time he got there we were home already. I have never seen him so worried in my life. He was extremely attentive with me ensuring I was doing well. The following morning he had to ask what happened to me. I couldnt help but laugh just to say, "You are so not use to me drinking are you?" I am not a drinker. If I drink I have a glass of wine here and there. All weekend DH was being uberly attentive and caring. Not saying that he isnt like this on other occassions it was just turn up a notch. I would take being told "I love you" every time we looked at each other any day of the week.

The wedding was a ton of fun. Rain and everything. YES it poured on an outside wedding. That sure did not stop the party for my family. We can now say we danced in the rain. This wedding is definitely going down as a unique but memorable experienced. Everyone was exhausted at the end of the night. The DJ told my mother that she thought people had a bit much to drink because of the way they were acting. My mother just laughed adding, "Oh no thats how they are intoxicated or not."

Since I have been so carefree this cycle I have not been consistent with BBT or OPKs. So needles to say I dont know if I have O or not. This morning I decided to temp and it was at 97.92. Could be from the alcohol this weekend so I wont consider myself post O until I get two more high temps. I never thought it would feel so good to take a break from all this mumbo jumbo.

Dare to take the time to comprehend what infertility is? Will you emphatize with those who have and are struggling with infertility? Would you then see that infertility is not cureable if you just relax?

Life can bring many obstacles into your life. Challenges that can lead to a stronger mentality. If I had the choice of being labeled as infertile or being a naive fertile myrtle I would have to go with fertile myrtle. I never imagined myself embarking in this emotional journey. Sometimes it saddens me of how much I have learn BUT yet theres plenty of Drs who are clueless of what infertility is.

Lets start from the beginning of my "womanhood" so you can get a better picture.

There I was...a sweet, innocent, little, girl who was only 10 years old. Then it happened, the thing that forever changed my life. YES my first menstrual cycle decided to say "Hello nice to meet ya!" I guess she wasnt fond of meeting me because she decided to take a nice long vacation until I was 14 years old. During her time of absence my mother became extremely worried that there was something wrong. She took me to the Drs and they simply brushed her off saying "Shes so young and her hormones are not fully developed."

Lets fast forward. At the age of 18 I decided to talk to my Dr about my irregular cycles. They continued to say the same thing they told my mother years ago. HORMONAL IMBALANCE. Deep down inside I knew there was more to it. There had to be...all my friends were getting regular cycles and not one seemed to complain about pain when on it. Mine on the other hand came whenever it felt like it and when it did I would cry of the excruciating pain it caused me. I was fed up! I went to see a different doctor due to pain I was experiencing. Turns out I had a cyst that ruptured. So I asked again about my irregular cycles and the fact that I was literatly having unprotected sex for a year now. This doctor recommended Birth Control pills to help regulate my cycles. He looked at the ultrasound they took, due to my cyst, and said he doesnt see anything wrong with my uterus. When I was ready to have a child I should have no problem.

The birth control made me sick so I stopped taking it. My cycles were extending to 40+ days. Eventually reaching 60+ days. The pain was still present when she decided to show her face. When I was 21 I decided to move states. J of course followed. *Side note: J and I have been together since HS.* I went in for my year check up with the intentions to get some answers. Let me tell you that I held it together pretty well with this incompentent doctor. He of course said the following, "Why are you trying to have a baby at such a young age? Have you even graduated from college? At your age you should not have a problem conceiving. My wife and I just had our first child because we wanted to make sure we finished our careers." Well doctor I am thinking of having a child at such a young age because I have had unprotected sex for a good 3 years now and not even an OOPS has occurred. If I am having trouble now then what guarantees me I will be just FINE to have one later down the road. I left his office never going back to him. On to the next doctor. Which is my current OB. I had been to her office a couple times. Everytime I was there my cycles were "late". They were used to it by now and didnt bother with a pregnancy test. I asked my OB about my irregularities as well as the fact that I had not conceived. I was now 22 years old, 4 years of unprotected sex, first year of trying to conceive. Her exact words, "Well a woman ovulates on CD14 of their cycle. As long as you have intercourse during your fertile week then you should have a 20% chance each month to conceive." Needless to say I didnt bother going into the discussion that I knew I didnt ovulate on the 14th day of my cycle.

After many disappointing appointments I decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist. Here is where I found the reason behind my struggle. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries, which explains the cyst I had years ago, amenorrhea and one blocked fallopian tube. I felt as if my life was caving in on me. When I looked at J I wanted to set him free to find someone who can give him a family. I didnt want to be the reason for him not being able to have children. J ofcourse has stuck by my side regardless of my mood tantrums. He has been the rock through this journey. Infertility can cause many things in a marriage, your emotions, your point of view,etc. You will never be the same person you were before dealing with infertility. I have learned to embrace the fact that IF is a part of my life and it makes me, ME! Al though J refuses to be willingly opened about our struggles I am the exact opposite. My side of the family all knows of my struggles and the treatment we have been through. Js family knows we've been "trying" but had no idea we had answers. One of his family members reached out to me to ask if I was "pregnant yet". That was the drawing point for me that I decided to let her know that we our going through treament and I am the one with the complications. I didnt expect her to understand or feel the need to ask if I was ok and just like that our conversation ended.

If you are not aware of what infertility is or what it causes in someone who is struggling. Please take the time to comprehend. If you decide that it is not something you are willing to embark in then I ask of you to please refrain from giving opinions to those of us stuggling. This journey is enough of a challenge.

I have been contemplating on writing this letter. The more I run it through my mind I realize I am never going to feel at peace if I don't. I have been telling J that I want us to write a letter to our inconceivable child. At first I thought he might think I have fell of the ledge and gone mad. I was very surprise when he asked what would we write? Listen to your heart and let it flow on paper. So here goes nothing:

Dear Son/Daughter,

I've been searching for you with endless desperation. There is not one day that passes by without a thought of you on my mind. I could only see you in my dreams, lately it's been quite impossible to see the slightest glimpse of you. Everyone around me is hopeful that you will be a part of our family soon. I can't say I am as hopeful at this point in time. I have been waiting for you for a good five years and with each passing day my mind just becomes a fog. It breaks my heart to see your father making plans of when you finally arrive. I have to admit that it brings a smile to my face when he tells me his hopes and dreams of you. It is not a lie when I tell you that your bond with your father will be unbreakable. He is such an outgoing guy that is fabulous with kids. You know he is already planning on teaching you everything there is to know about football and ofcourse lets not forget about his team, 49ers. Now let me tell you about another pair of souls who ache for your arrival. Your grandparents, oh they have so many plans on how they will raise you. Your grandmother is such a lovely lady with a tremendous heart. She will probably let you get away with things I wont. She will teach you right from wrong in a manner that you will not help but love her. Your grandfather is limited with his words. He has a gentle soul and will try his best to comfort you when he sees you are hurting. If you were to spend time with him you will learn everything there is to know about diesel mechanics. He prefers to spend his days outside just like your great grandparents. I know you will grow fond of them both.

My child I promise you that I will never give up on finding you. When the day finally comes and I can hold you in my arms, there wont be a day that you wont be loved. I beg of you to please be patient with me as I may not be able to give you a sibling right away. Although, like you, I will never stop searching until he/she is in my arms. My heart is aching for your touch. Please my child step into the light so I can get a better glimpse of you. I am standing here with open arms waiting for the day that you decide its time to arrive. Please dont delay your presence any longer. Stop these tears from falling by allowing me to listen to your heartbeat. I love you my inconceivable child.
So after writing my last post the lovely AF decided to pay me a visit. Usually I am upset/sad/mad when she decides to pop in for visit. This time around I was thankful for her appearance. She was extremely genuine with her delayed visit. At least this time around I didnt crawl over and almost cried. Which makes me think something I am doing is easing the pain. Anywho, today is officially CD 8 for me. About 2 days ago I started my Fertility Cleanse. At first I was annoyed of the fact that I have to take so much in one day. Even though it seems like a lot it's not overbearing. The only complain I must say is the tea, not for its taste but because it makes me pee like no other. I mean I know its trying to flush the toxins out but come on! I just sat down barely getting comfortable and just in a sec the feeling of needing to go now has me running back to the potty. IT HAS TO BE WORKING RIGHT?

Well not everything ended in such a bust this past cycle. I had the habit of weighting myself every time I went to visit my mother. I mean the scale is there just starring at you, tempting you to get on it. So I always cave in and use the damn thing. Happy to say I strayed from it by avoiding her restroom. Back to my point...I have this thing with not getting rid of pants that dont fit ideally. One day I was in such in a hurry I just grabbed the first thing in sight. To my dismay I realized much, much, much later that those jeans did not fit me..well... that awesome before. So I grabbed almost a brand new (who am I kidding, they are brand new) pair of work pants that J bought me a while back. I was so lazy to try both pair of pants on so I told myself if this one fits me so does this one...they're the same size. Um WRONG! To my surprise I was able to close the damn pants and didnt feel the slightest uncomfortableness. Can you guess what happened next? That's right. I ran to my mother's home to weigh myself. What I saw was quite surprising. I wasn't really trying I just simply cut out things that werent as healthy. To see that I lost 10lbs was an amazing feeling. I don't think I will ever be back to the same weight I was in HS but if I can look less chubby cheeks to ppl why the hell not! Heres the thing...when I gain weight my cheeks are such hoggers of all the fat. YAY! For me now keep it off!

Yesterday was such a nonchalant day. My father arrived home from a trip so thee mother was thrilled to see him. Of course I was too! After dinner we went walking to the back-yard. Hmmm...did I forget to mention that my parents own a pretty big property? Well it is an extremely large/ long "back-yard". I love walking towards the back just because I love to see the trees and the beautiful shade and breeze they provide as you walk by. I must say I have a hate and love relationship when it comes to this. It makes me sad just thinking that I will probably never have a child to enjoy this neck of the woods. Its so beautiful that my 3 year old niece always wants to follow even if she gets tired and my mother makes her walk all the way. Did I mention the dogs love it too? Its like theyre in a competition to see who can cover the most ground while were back there.

I am trying to remain confident that I am doing my body good by going natural this cycle or two. I had to move my appointment to May 16th just because I didnt want to have to ask for two days off in a row. J likes the idea of relaxing a bit but he says he doesnt like when I take these supplements or what not. He thinks I maybe doing more harm than good. I think its sweet of him to care for me. I honestly think I am feeling a lot better than when I was not taking supplements. I used to get extreme pains during my menstrual cycle that now it seems like such a breeze to be in it. Of course he knows of these pains and its embarrassing to say his family does too. Since J and I have been together since HS, for some odd reason I would always be at his house sleeping during my period. I would cry myself to sleep that his sisters, aunt, and mother would take care of me. Its funny to think about but in a weird way we bonded. You gotta love family.
I am currently on CD33 and 16dpo. My HCG came back negative so I am wondering where AF went off to. A part of me already knew this cycle wasnt going to take but a girl can dream, right? I am just grateful that I found a new clinic that people have heard great things about. After I decided to make the switch I spoke to my manager about changing my schedule. Once I told her that I was planning on going to the clinic down the street from work she smiled and said, "OMG! I am glad you are deciding to go there. I have heard such great things about that place and I think you will be in great hands." I switched schedules with one of my coworkers so I can attend my appointment and let me tell was the longest day ever. Being at work after 2pm is exhausting. So I ultimately made the decision to keep my current schedule and when need be I will change with someone.

This upcoming cycle, if it ever starts, I will go all natural. No fertility meds to give my body a break and crossing my fingers I dont have a super wonky cycle. I am planning on doing a fertility cleanse so I can prepare my body for whatever my new RE decides to do. I might be going through a laparoscopy to figure out what is going on with thee fallopian tube. That is just an assumption going off of what my x-coworker said. I will continue doing castor oil packs as well as using radiant womb with the fertility massage. I read a lot of reviews of women being dx with blocked tubes and they naturally conceive when they combine castor oil, massage, and wobenzym. So that will be my approach until I get the 411.

I want to send out prayers to a dear blog friend who finally got her BFP over the weekend. Praying that your BETA doubles and you have a healthy nine months. Also, another prayer for another dear blog friend who just had her ET yesterday. Praying that you will get your BFP and everything goes smoothly. Amber and Em, you will be in my thoughts.
My day yesterday started off fairly wonky. I was exhausted from Easter Sunday that I did not hear my two alarms. TWO ALARMS!! MISSED! I woke up around 6:10 am staring at the clock in disbelieve.I jumped out of bed and got "ready" as quickly as possible. I arrived at work about two hours late. BOO! To top it off I had a Drs appt I needed to attend. So I had to leave 45 minutes after arriving. That was fun to explain!

Anywho, after I get out of work I got a phone call. The number didn't seem familiar but I thought it was my Drs office calling in with my P4 results. WRONG! It was an x co-worker that I actually asked someone to tell her to give me a call. Her name is Jen, she was hired around the time I was. During our training she was very open about her fertility struggles. I admired that, wish I had the courage to ask her about it back then. We got to talking about how she's been and how her daughter is. She asked how I was handling all this and told me if I needed anyone to talk to she was there for me. She wished she had someone to talk to while she was going through this emotional rollercoaster. After our little talk I asked her what clinic she went to and what was her experience. GUESS WHAT??!! She went to the clinic I have an appointment on the 22nd of April. She said they got her knocked up on her first round of IVF. Turns out she also had one blocked tube. The only reason she had IVF done was because of a bad surgery when she was 21. The surgery left her with an infection that caused PID. Her blocked tube was leaking toxin which was causing her to miscarry before the baby even had a chance to fully grip to her uterus. (She lost a total of 7-8 pregnancies)They gave her the choice to tie the leaking tube or remove both of them. With the REs help they decided to remove both tubes since it was not guaranteed that the tied tube would stop leaking. Now she has her beautiful baby girl!

She almost brought me to tears when she was telling me about her infertility journey. I am glad I asked her to reach out to me because I know she will be a great support. She has to frozen embryos that she is considering to do a FET. Although it would be on hold until they can save the money for it since she has no insurance now. She told me her friend also went to that clinic and they got her pregnant on her 2nd IUI cycle. So two success stories and I am loving this clinic already. She said that I might feel like a guinea pig at first because of the fact that all the REs in that clinic work together to get you pregnant. I wont have just one Dr. Interesting.

I am not sure if I feel at ease because of this appointment or if I have just become numb at the disappointing outcomes. 7 more days til my BETA.
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