It has been a long cycle this time around. Although length wise its been about the just feels different. I have been experiencing a lot of cramps, those sudden pains that makes me grab my stomach and crouch down until it passes. DH keeps saying its AF on its way which I couldnt agree more but it just felt too soon to have these many cramps. Around 9DPO or 10DPO I got the same feeling i get when AF is around the corner. I go to the restroom a lot, i was extremely bloated, cramps, tender breast , etc. It even led me to take a HPT but it was -, DH even asked why I had taken it ( i try to stay away from testing because I dont want to feel disappointed).

Now 13DPO my temps went down and I am getting the same exact feeling again. I asked for permission to go to the DRs to get my rubella vaccine, I had told them either Wednesday or Thursday, and now I am feeling like I wont even make it past tomorrow. I hope I do! That would totally suck if I dont!

On Saturday afternoon we decided to go out and eat to get distracted. While we were there everything was going swell until I heard a baby giggle. I couldnt see the baby but just the cute sound it was making made me get a shiver down my spine. It made me wonder and ask DH why he didnt get the same reaction. Is it because men arent the ones who have that maternal instinct? Who knbut he said I was letting this whole TTC journey get the best of me. I needed to relax because our time will come regardless if its natural or not.

My brothers wedding is approaching and I will be the maid of honor. There's all this wedding talk that all I can think about is how I would look like in the bridesmaid dress if I was pregnant. I did mention that to DH and he smiled and said hopefully by then you are pregnant.

You know family sometimes seems to be oblivious of other peoples feelings. I know they dont do things on purpose but to me it comes off as insensitive. Long story short: My cousin is in LALALand with this boy and one day she happened to mention to her mother that he had told her he went to the doctors and he had some sort of condition. She said she couldnt remember what it was but that she didnt care because regardless she would be with him. Now she has been telling everyone that she wants to be a mother. So her mom lashes out at her telling her what do u mean you dont know. You have to know what he has, what if he cant give you any children? What are you going to do then? I didnt know if I should run and hide at that point giving that WE hadnt been able to conceive. So I decided to walk away and collect myself before I broke down in tears.

Sorry for being all over the place but I am just trying to recollect myself and move forward. Still looking foward to December to go through our first IUI and hope for the best.

****UPDATE ****
I just got news that I did not get the position the other intern did just how I had suspected. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I began to feel relieved that this news was over the phone and not it person. I can't even comprehend on why I cried if I knew this was coming. She tried to reassure me my interviews went fine and it was a tough choice but I really didn't want to hear it. I got so emotional that I wanted to just go home and bury my face in comfort food. Some hot cocoa perhaps...the weather is quite perfect right now for that. I guess this got to me more tban I expected because I can't get pregnant and I thought maybe there is something I can actually have control of. And boom that didn't go so well...what a failure!! AF just show your ugly face so I can get this cycle over with.
So long story short...the department I am doing an internship for opened a position up. Although it is not what I am interning for its still within the department. I considered applying and then became undecided. After thinking it over and ran every possible outcome of this opportunity I decided to apply. Then BOOM! they drop the biggest bomp on me. The position was opened to another site (which happens to be the site where the other intern is at and he happens to be interning for the exact depart. they are hiring for). I was a bit sad in regards to this because I personally think he has an advantage over me bc he is already being trained in that field and is working near the hiring manager. I couldnt even get an interview...but turns out ppl spoke up and wanted me to get an interview so I was given the opportunity. Deep down in my heart I know that I am not in the advantage of getting the positon but I'm a bit content with the fact that at least theyre taking the time to interview me.

A part of me wants to cry! I will not allow myself to though, I will hold my head high and think of my future. With this experience I can look to further my career somewhere else. And to be honest as much as it saddens me I want a BABY WAY MORE! Thinking that December is almost in reach gives me some type of JOY. I keep randomly telling DH that I am extremely excited and that if I do end up getting our BFP in December that I would be do in the same month as my Bday which would be awesome! Well for me it would he isn't very fond of it...He says another LEO in the house is not needed. HAHA!

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up thinking that the first time around it might work but if I dont have hope what do I have? This weekend we got news that my Sis N Law just gave birth about a week ago. I was happy and the thought of me being there one day seemed a million years away. This will be DH's 16 niece/nephew! So every time they see us the question arises of when are we going to have our own. I expressed to DH that I dont reach out to his family often bc of this. He said I should just tell them that we found out what the issue is and we appreciate if they just dont keep asking. I am not that type of person...BUT i do want to scream out that they need to stop worrying about us and focus on themselves.

On another note, FF was incorrect. I did not O on CD21..I O on CD22 which is awesome bc we timed intercourse perfectly! I am currently 6DPO and I have been experiencing cramping, I dont want to think to much of it, I just couldnt help to think that it is to early for me to get AF like cramps. Only time will tell...

So it looks like I had a slow rise but it shot up at 2DPO. Which is unusual for me but then again I have been taking my temparature later since my schedule changed. We will see how this month turns out, I want to be hopeful but a part of me knows it might be just another cycle.

I have been turning the idea of waiting to do any treatment in the beginning of next year. The reason for that is because I couldn't find a place to get the rubella vaccine so I would have to get it this coming cycle and wait until December's cycle for any treatment. Why wait? Well...December is a really busy month in the business world. People are trying to get holidays off, some even the whole month off, that its just impossible to get the time approved during that time of year.

I spoke with DH of the possibility of waiting and he wasn't very fond of the idea. He seemed a bit upset and I can't blame him because I have had a difficult time convincing myself that it's for the best. Given that I only have 2 1/2 more days of sick time and I can't get a guarantee that I would be able to use vacation time during that time of month. After seeing how sadden it got him I decided to talk to my manager about it and see what can be done. (She is aware of my struggle and completely understands my situation). Surprisingly she happened to reach out to me today ( I haven't really seen her since I am doing my internship and its in a different blg) I was glad to hear from her and decided to just put all the cards in the table. She isnt aware that I have actually went to go see a specialist. I explained my dilemma and what she thought about me continuing with it or waiting until the beginning of next year. She expressed the same concerns that I had and said she couldnt guarantee that I would get the days off. My heart just sank and I felt like I had to wait a million years to begin this infertile treatment.

Within minutes she reached out to me again and said "You can try calling DMS and see if they would cover you under FMLA so u have that guaranteed timeoff" (I was smiling at this point). Sure enough I called the # she gave me for them and they said "Oh yes **** does cover Fertility treatment under FMLA." I was sooooo thrilled beyond what words can explain!

I can honestly now say that my job kicks ass. HAHAHA! They do have the best interest in their employees and I am proud to work for such a wonderful company.

Yesterday I got a positive OPK and it seems to be a trend now. Last three months I have been ovulating around CD22 & 23. I am happy that my cycles have been within 36-38 days now...but ovulating that late lessen my chances of conceiving. At least that's what my doctor is stating. He believes that me having polycystic ovaries is the reason I am ovulating late which the egg can't implant because my lining is old.

Since I got my positive OPK I decided to do castor oil, since i had just received it, before I actually ovulated. Now I feel bloated and I can feel my ovaries and uterus tingle and crampy. I hope I didnt mess anything up! I have never felt this way when I have ovulated. Only tomorrow will tell if my temp shoots up (praying that it does). Dh & I are still trying to find a way to BD during the week since our schedule dont really mesh great together. Another thing to stress about.
Where we all seem to lose our mind. I've been pretty distracted lately with my internship. All of a sudden I feel that my mind is overanalyzing the simplest things. Maybe its the new people around me that asked me if I have kids. Or the fact that they talk about their kids and the funny things they do.

A part of me doesn't want to lose hope that one day I will be the one sharing memories of my little ones. But I feel like a bouquet of roses slowly dying and no one seems to want to nourish them. Lately I've been researching a lot about PCOS and the more I read the helpless I become. I tried to talk to DH about this and how I dont feel like I can go through this alone.

Little did I know that his mind was completely absent during our RE appt. Either that or he has memory loss. He said nothing was wrong with me and that I was overreacting. I had sent him links relating to Husbands supporting their wives with PCOS to help them over come some of the nasty effects. HA! The man didnt even look at them and then tried to say there was nothing wrong with me that I dont have a diseas or anything. Let's just say the rest of our conversation didnt end well. I dont blame him for not trying to understand if he rarely goes to the doctors concerning his own health.

I have to be real here...the reason I started feeling down is because the holidays are coming up and birthdays. So I went to the store with my mother to shop for my nieces gifts ahead of time so we can save some dinero. Well she started looking through the kids clothing that require you to pass through the baby clothing. I couldnt help but look at them and imagine my future kids wearing it. It made my mind go in swirls asking what if questions. The thought pains me! Ugh!

Last but not least... I called my RE office to get more prenatal vitamins since they gave me boxes of samples to see if I liked them. Well I had to leave a voicemail and they called me back like within 10-15 minutes. The nurse was being very smart bothered me that she would have that tone with me. How am I suppose to know that you have 10-15 types of Prenatal Vitamins and you have no idea which ones you gave me. I felt so dumb that she was telling me those things when I am not the one that works there...I dont have this insight like you do...back off! AND DONT CALL ME SWEETIE IT MAKES ME FEEL BELITTLED. Geez! I know I look young and my voice doesnt seem to help with that either but don't judge me I am smarter than it seems.

P.S I really dont mind people using the words : Sweetie, hunny, etc. but after she belittled me it stirred something up inside of me.
I know I haven't written in a while but there's really nothing going on. I've been searching up and down for clinics, pharmacies, & even my Obgyn to give me the Rubella shot and no one seems to know what it is or they dont have it. I am just going to wait it out and go to my RE next cycle and have them give it to me so we can start treatment in December's cycle. Crossing my fingers that my cycles do not delay more than their usual. Went to GNC for a new bottle of Vitex and they were all out, so as of right now just drinking my Fertitea and Maca pills.

On the brighter note, I am loving my internship and do not regret starting it even though it caused for my treatment to be postponed. Now that we know what the problem is and that we are going to get helped I am more at ease knowning that when the time is right we can go get "assistance" and my insurance will cover it. It still hasn't been easy to see other people with their kids. Although, I have came to the realization that it is life and I cannot avoid these things. Just embrace life as is and give thanks to God for what I do have.
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