Long Weekend

It has been a long cycle this time around. Although length wise its been about the same...it just feels different. I have been experiencing a lot of cramps, those sudden pains that makes me grab my stomach and crouch down until it passes. DH keeps saying its AF on its way which I couldnt agree more but it just felt too soon to have these many cramps. Around 9DPO or 10DPO I got the same feeling i get when AF is around the corner. I go to the restroom a lot, i was extremely bloated, cramps, tender breast , etc. It even led me to take a HPT but it was -, DH even asked why I had taken it ( i try to stay away from testing because I dont want to feel disappointed).

Now 13DPO my temps went down and I am getting the same exact feeling again. I asked for permission to go to the DRs to get my rubella vaccine, I had told them either Wednesday or Thursday, and now I am feeling like I wont even make it past tomorrow. I hope I do! That would totally suck if I dont!

On Saturday afternoon we decided to go out and eat to get distracted. While we were there everything was going swell until I heard a baby giggle. I couldnt see the baby but just the cute sound it was making made me get a shiver down my spine. It made me wonder and ask DH why he didnt get the same reaction. Is it because men arent the ones who have that maternal instinct? Who knbut he said I was letting this whole TTC journey get the best of me. I needed to relax because our time will come regardless if its natural or not.

My brothers wedding is approaching and I will be the maid of honor. There's all this wedding talk that all I can think about is how I would look like in the bridesmaid dress if I was pregnant. I did mention that to DH and he smiled and said hopefully by then you are pregnant.

You know family sometimes seems to be oblivious of other peoples feelings. I know they dont do things on purpose but to me it comes off as insensitive. Long story short: My cousin is in LALALand with this boy and one day she happened to mention to her mother that he had told her he went to the doctors and he had some sort of condition. She said she couldnt remember what it was but that she didnt care because regardless she would be with him. Now she has been telling everyone that she wants to be a mother. So her mom lashes out at her telling her what do u mean you dont know. You have to know what he has, what if he cant give you any children? What are you going to do then? I didnt know if I should run and hide at that point giving that WE hadnt been able to conceive. So I decided to walk away and collect myself before I broke down in tears.

Sorry for being all over the place but I am just trying to recollect myself and move forward. Still looking foward to December to go through our first IUI and hope for the best.

****UPDATE ****
I just got news that I did not get the position the other intern did just how I had suspected. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I began to feel relieved that this news was over the phone and not it person. I can't even comprehend on why I cried if I knew this was coming. She tried to reassure me my interviews went fine and it was a tough choice but I really didn't want to hear it. I got so emotional that I wanted to just go home and bury my face in comfort food. Some hot cocoa perhaps...the weather is quite perfect right now for that. I guess this got to me more tban I expected because I can't get pregnant and I thought maybe there is something I can actually have control of. And boom that didn't go so well...what a failure!! AF just show your ugly face so I can get this cycle over with.