Mixed emotions

"We understand how stressful it can be emotionally and financially dealing with infertility." 

That's how the letter sent from my insurance company started. Only to end with in order for them to pay any claims in the year 2014 I have to speak to a nurse on a hotline to understand what treatment is a better fit for me. Um, excuse me? Are you implying that my Dr is incompetent and isn't doing his job? Or are you assuming because I've been seeing an RE for a year and a half with absolutely no BFPs? Either way this letter was not received with open arms. 

Let's back up a bit. My nurse has been through hell when it comes to dealing with my insurance. I don't know how she keeps it together. I would of pulled my hair out in frustration. Given that my fresh transfer was a failure she had to get an authorization to have my FET approved. Not so complicated. She got the approval. She sent my calendar over with a possible transfer date in JANUARY!! I immediately emailed her back and asked her to elaborate on this awful proposition. I say proposition because this was not what Dr. K and I discussed when he called me with my IVF results. He promised me that I would have a FET in mid December. I expressed my concerns about my insurance changing in 2014 and I wanted/needed for this FET to happen before the end of the year. The sweetheart that she is she responded with: "No worries. I will talk to Dr K to see how we can make this work for you." Really?? She kept her word and made it happen. 

Now the fun part begins. She had to call the pharmaceutical side to get an authorization for my FET meds. They faxed her the authorization form. She filled it out and sent it back, giving them a quick ring to make sure they had received it. Yes they have! Mission accomplished. NOT! (During this time the Dr hadn't gotten back to her in regards to my cycle.) A day went by and she asked me if they had gotten back to me. They hadn't. Surprise Dr K decided to move everything up 3 days giving me a whooping transfer date of New Years Eve! (Insert confused emotions here) I was happy things will be covered under this insurance but was not pleased to be on bed rest on New Years Eve. 

As if that news wasn't hard to hear. She dropped another bomb on me. I had to start Lupron the following day. She reached out to the pharmacy said she needed an expedited approval to get my meds out by today so I can receive them the following day. Tick tock! No call. I dial them up waiting on hold forever dreading not to make it before they close. Well I spoke to them alright just so they can tell me there's no perscription on file for me. Of course I texted my nurse and told her. She was fuming with rage. She apparently had called them to double verify they received it and were getting it processed. We discussed my options since obviously I wasn't going to have my meds delivered on time. It came down to me waiting until January and paying Out of pocket or paying out of pocket for my meds. Luckily I only needed Lupron at the time. I went with option 2. My exact words to her were: 

"I rather pay a measly $100 for Lupron than have to cover my deductible again before my insurance even helps me out." 

I was in for a surprise when a 2 week kit of Lupron came out to $250!! For that little tiny bottle. It took almost a week for the insurance to call me with the remaining order. The only reason they called was because she escalated the call to a manager giving her the option to give verbal authorization for my medication. After losing my authorization form 4xs!! I think she deserved a break dealing with them. 

My heart is full of mixed emotions at this time. Fear, excitement, frustration, hope, faith. After our failed cycle and all the commotion in my family I broke down. It took me a while to be ok. J and I were having a hard time being around each other which made things extremely emotional. I know my family loves me and they want this to happen for us as much as we do but geez the things that came out of their mouths. I know I mentioned my cousins wife being pregnant on another post but I never mentioned my brothers wife finding out she was pregnant as well. It's sad to say that we don't have a close relationship so her pregnancy was even harder to hear about. As much as we're not close she still reached out to me when she was fearful of being pregnant. The amazing person that I am I tried to be there for her. Once her pregnancy was confirmed an a couple weeks after we found out our cycle failed, J hit rock bottom. 

During this journey I recognize that women can tolerate a lot more than men. Their mentality of "oh well it's not meant to be" is just an act. These pregnancies have deeply affected us in ways I never saw possible. But here we are holding on to faith, hope, love that it will happen one day. As of now we have shun all our infertility treatment from our families. The worst feeling is keeping it from my mother. She's been a great support but it only takes one person to know before it leaks. With that in mind I was faced with a big decision...letting J change his schedule again, only to advertise to the whole world we are back at it, or give myself the injections. I'm proud to say that I've been doing great at poking myself. Somedays are better than others but at least I don't get anxiety in the midst of injecting myself. 

December 31st is still a long wait. More or less a trillion years!! Exaggerating much? Lately I've been at peace and I'm thankful that God has allowed me to feel this way. We don't have a nursery per se...we have extra rooms and we know which one will be used as a nursery in the future. J won't allow me to buy baby stuff because he says I am only going to hurt myself more. Do I believe that? I don't know. This past weekend I woke up relaxed and hopeful. I walked over to that room looked at it a bit and began to clean out the closet. All our coats and sweaters were moved to the office room. Something deep inside my heart made me do this. I can't explain the feeling but it was something I will never forget. 

On my birthday J had given me a puppy. Well she's gone. I think someone stole her. My heart is broken that I took it out on my eldest because he was suppose to look over her like he always does. Everytime I look out the window I want to see her. See her coming home. I just hope she got taken by a good family and is warm during this winter madness.