Welcome 2013!

The new year is finally here allowing people to look back and smile at memories or grow from experiences. Although the holidays seemed to be gloomy this year I managed to get through them. I know this year will bring new opportunities and I am willing to face them head on. Regardless of the pain it may cause or any disappointments. Looking back on my 2012 journey I realized that I really let myself down. Not because I couldn't bare a child. I allowed myself to slack off in everything else I love to do because I was so focused in TTC. It's like I suddenly woke up and told myself "What is you problem? Are you going to continue to live everyday with the same pity party on your shoulder?" NO! I WON'T and CAN'T continue to put off my life because I want something I simply don't have control of happening. From now on I will see that all other goals and dreams become a reality. (Ones that I have control of). Which leads me to my resolutions list.

~ Go to school throughout 2013
~ Lose 10lbs
~ Eat healthier
~ Read 15+ books (half educational)
~ Get a professional camera
~ Home renovations
~ Give away my old wardrobe and get a new one
~ Go to California at least 2xs
~ Do everything possible to start our family

Notice that I put having a family at the bottom of my list? I promised myself that I will not allow this journey to consume who I really am. I should have been done with school a long time ago. Things went south when I moved south, LOL oh the irony. It may seem like I am blaming other things on my lack of getting things done. I have to admit that I just became to comfortable with the new lifestyle. School was a hassle to enroll and when I did it was extremely expensive since I was considered an out of state student. So in a sense everything happens for a reason.

Before the new year started my younger brother and I placed a bet on who will become fit within a three month span. Since he got back home he has been working out dilingently so my fear arises and I know I need to get my shit together. If I can do this then I can put myself through anything else. DH & I had been having a rough time talking to eachother. One night I cried myself to sleep. We didn't speak the following day but when I got home the house was cleaned from head to toe. I wasn't surprised actually. DH has a hard time expressing himself with words, so he tends to show me he is sorry for anything that he has done or said to upset me. Although I saw his good dead I just couldn't bring myself to speak with him. Sadly it was New Years eve. We went about our day gathering ourselves at my parents home. I slowly allowed myself to throw in the towel and let him know I was okay. He really doesn't have anything to do with my emotional rollercoaster. He tries his best to console me. This journey just got the best of me. Feeling sorry for myself has to stop because its not just affecting me it's affecting the man I am deeply in love with. When the clock struck 12, he held me in his arms and kissed me. He whispered in my ear that this year will be different for us. I believe him, I believe that this year will bring new joys.

Enough about me and my dramatic holiday story. I enjoyed the holidays regardless of the toll it took on me. I am wishing and praying that all of us who are still trying for a little miracle can achieve their dream this year.

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