This was the first year I've ever experienced an emotional breakdown during Mother's Day. Still not quite sure what got over me. Poor J, it didn't matter what he said I still found a way to make it seem like he was being mean. Which I know deep down he truly cares and would do the impossible to mend my aching heart. Mother's Day in our culture was celebrated on Saturday. I woke up with the intention of going to the store real quick to buy my mother's present. Before I could get out the door I couldn't stop sobbing. When I finally took control I wiped the tears and never saw them again.
I love my mother and I know in my heart she notices my pain. So it is safe to say she didn't mind when I didn't stick around after stopping by for a few minutes to deliver her wonderful gift. (Which she loved, score! Who would of known fancy coffee makers makes ppl happy?) of course I wished everyone a happy MDay as well. I was never the one to go and hide on this special day. Maybe our loss made me more vulnerable? I didn't feel...I don't even know what word to use... I just know hearing/ seeing someone hug and wish them a happy mday made my heart sting a little. I felt ashamed to have these emotions. I've never experienced these indescribable emotions since J and I have been TTC. So to run and hide it was!! Sunday wasn't too bad. The worst had past and we celebrated the mothers in our family with a BBQ.
The good news is that I did win at least one game. Can u guess which one it was? The no crossing ur legs or else I'll steal your pin game. Yup, that one. How? I have no idea because I crossed my legs a jillion times. Sweet!
Who wants to bet he is going to be a ginger?
Moving backwards, since the baby shower was prior to Mother's Day. I had a blast at my sister in laws shower. Now these games are something else I tell ya! Sad to say I got BEAT by my MOM on the quarter game. You know the one u press between ur thighs/knees and elegantly waddle to a little jar to drop it in? Yeah that one! We changed the jar to make the hole smaller about three times. It was just mother and daughter when I missed the water bottle hole and my mother made it!! My jaw dropped in shock and when I turned to my left my father was as surprised. Good job mom! As my aunt likes to say, "Well she is the original. Ur just a replica of her genes." Thanks auntie ur the best.
J did a wonderful job wrapping presents, I of course just added the cute bow.
During the baby shower weekend I also got to steal my cousins baby for a bit. I was overjoyed to have this little man in my arms, it was hard to believe the love I quickly developed for this precious baby boy. My heart just melted when I was holding him and caressing his soft skin. Every time he yawn I thought it was the cutest thing. And BLAM! Just like that a fear took over my body when I saw his pouty face with tears well underway. I quickly handed him over to his mommie. There's not a day that I don't wake up thinking that I am going to be a bad mother. I have nightmares that I lose my babies because I forget I have them!! It's not pretty! I'm not sure what to make of these dreams. Maybe it's a safety mechanism so my heart won't break if this upcoming FET doesn't work. Or it's possible that I feel embarrassed that I feared his cry? Ugh!
I just love to see him enjoy his baby brother. He has finally accepted his brothers name and can't wait for him to grow up.
Speaking of my upcoming FET cycle. Due to my upcoming vacation it was nearly impossible to schedule ultrasound appointments. I mean in my head it all worked out BUT since everything has to be on exact times of my cycle they thought otherwise. Sigh! So now my new FET date is June 20th. Pinky promise(: At least it won't fall on Friday the 13th, right? You know us infertiles think every little thing jinxes something. Yikes! I'm just glad I won't be taking PIO during my vacay. I was already dreading it.
Counting down the days till my vacay!!
15 days!!!
