No one can truly understand what you are going through unless they've been through it themselves.

A fellow colleague said those exact words to me the other day. Her sister in law just had a baby last week after experiencing infertility for a couple years. Our conversation started discussing pregnancy experiences which also resulted in speaking of miscarriages. I have never been ashamed or shy about our infertility struggles, truthfully no one was aware of our treatment since I was new to the department. My pregnancy remained a secret until I was five months pregnant only because my manager encouraged me to share it with everyone. My opinion people were beginning to question one another if I was pregnant. LOL! Anywho, when she began to tell me about her SILs struggles my heart skipped a beat. She went through 3 IUIs all resulting in BFNs. I could see the true emotions in her face expressions. Here she was feeling guilty of how fertile she was while her dear SIL struggled to get pregnant throughout many years.

Here I was with three pregnancies under my belt, one resulting in a miscarriage, but still it was three when she couldn't get pregnant at all. I felt horrible because I knew I was probably adding on to her pain.

I personally have never heard a fertile women say such nice caring genuine things about someone struggling. There bond was so strong that her SIL admitted to her how she hated all those teenagers having babies, women abusing, killing, etc their babies. All the emotions that we have felt throughout this rollercoaster of a journey she was 100% aware of and didn't judge her. Hearing all this was music to my ears. It comforted me in such a way that I let her in to my own world of IF. At first I saw that guilty expression come over her realizing that some of her comments to me might have stung a bit. We were able to share our experiences on miscarriages. The emotional rollercoaster you go through when you hear those words come out of the doctor's mouth. You feel paralyze, denial, sick and you wished it was all a dream. We also discussed how difficult it was to enjoy our pregnancy after experiencing a miscarriage. I was able to relate on buying a Doppler to make sure there was still a heart beat, our husbands thinking we were insane and forbid us to use it frequently.

I never thought I would be able to speak to a woman who didn't have trouble conceiving and be understood. She wished us luck on TTC on our own if not then gave us her best wishes on getting knocked up again with a little help from science. To that I say thank you for listening to your struggling SIL, to being open about others emotions you truly have an amazing heart.

Lately I've been an emotional hormonal momma. Tears start flowing over things I cannot control but wished I could. On October 15th for Pregnancy & Infant loss I shed many tears. Not only for me but for everyone who has lost their beautiful babies. While lighting a candle that night I held my son tightly I told him about his siblings and how they were looking over him in heaven. Although he truly fills my heart with blissful love I can't seem to feel saddened by the women who are still experiencing failed cycles, miscarriages, or another disappointment. It pains my heart to see them continuing to struggle. Our journey to Baby Izzy wasn't easy and it took what you would call experimental cycles. I say experimental because it took a couple failures and miscarriages to find out the plan that worked for us. It wasn't easy it was an emotional toll that J was hesitant on allowing me to continue with fertility treatments. 

I wish I could do something to heal their broken hearts during this waiting game. Every night before I go to sleep I give thanks to Him for never leaving my side during the ups and downs in my journey. I also ask for everyone one of you ladies still struggling or dealing with a difficult time. 

Even out of the trenches my mind and heart still fear IF. We know we want more children in the future and the thought of someone else in my family having yet another kid before I can conceive a second child taunts me. How could my mind have these thoughts when Izzy is my greatest joy in my life? Everyone talks about how your body might just know what to do on its own after having a baby but what if it doesn't, will I be ok emotionally? 

Sorry I might sound selfish for having these thoughts when there is lots of you out there still struggling to have a baby. I just never thought I would experience these same emotions that I would read on other peoples blogs. I guess IF never really leaves your mind alone. 

Again sorry for that pitty sentences I wrote. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and stays warm. 

Stats: I am not sure of his weight but he is wearing 3-6 month clothing and 6-12 month socks.

Nicknames: Mr. Grump, Izzy/ In Spanish: Gordo, Mayito, Chuyito

Likes: I wouldn’t say he likes his blanket because he loves it. If he’s restless or grumpy I put his little blankie over his feet he’ll grab it and has a blast with it. He will either suck on it or holds it with some singing involved. I picture him singing a blankie lullaby. Speaking of blankets he also loves to be wrapped up like a burrito, it totally makes his day. I hope he doesn’t grow out of this since he doesn’t fuss in the AM when I am getting him ready to take to grammy’s house. He still loves me running my fingers through his hair as well as me holding his hands when he’s chillen in his boppy pillow or bumbo seat.

Dislikes: Tummy time, what baby loves tummy time?? He doesn’t like it when hes held like a baby, only time he lets you do this is when he’s wrapped up in a blanket. So you have to hold him sitting up with his back up against ur chest. Or he will tolerate being held looking over your shoulder.

Special Skills: He’s a screamer. Lol. Not in a bad way he just screams until you give him attention. No picking up is required just give him a little love and he’s a happy camper.

Sleeping: It all depends on his mood for the day. My mom says he takes anywhere from cat naps or up to an hour. Which means he’s a good sleeper at night, only wakes up once and its usually right around the time I need to get up for work. I usually feed him and he’s out again until I wake him up to take him to grammy’s.

Mommy: I am starting to get a routine going on now that I am back at work. Its also getting easier leaving him behind even though he's in good hands I miss him dearly. Now that I am back at work I am eating more frequently, it could be out of boredom, but I don't mind it since J tells me all the time that I need to gain weight. In all honesty I agree with him but I don't see that happening until I stop breastfeeding. The hunger is no joke that I grab anything in sight. Ugh! Even with the unhealthy decisions I cant seem to gain any weight only lose weight.

Daddy: He gets a kick out of everything Izzy does. Im sure these two will have a great bond since he loves seeing his dad.