Is what I was diagnosed with. Of course I broke down in tears and had an emotional break down. Just like that it came and went. Before my appointment...actually since my last ultrasound I have been prayin to God for peace and comfort. Today I prayed for him to stay by my side and hold me as I endure this. Strangely this was before my ultrasound. And that is what he did. He held me and allowed me to heal through tears and then he made me smile here an there with J. Sure we are both extremely sad and heart broken but we both believe everything is for a reason. We will mourn but move forward with his help. 

We still haven't gotten a proper consult with Dr K because I couldn't speak during our appt. He offered to see us tomorrow to discuss our options. As I now I am just going to allow myself to heal emotionally. 

After our bad news J took me to breakfast because I refused to go home. Then we ran errands...I truly believed that allowed me to heal instead of coming home just to cry. Now I just feel peace and that lets me know The Lord has not abondened my request. 

Things don't get easier after you get the news that you are expecting. Yes, this amazing feeling goes through your body/heart. Although in the back of your mind you are constantly thinking if things will pan out as they should. This worry never truly goes away, I've been told. Even though I knew there was a possibility that things could go wrong...I allowed myself to get overly excited. 

I wish I could tell myself that things will turn out fine...but I can't. I need to be realistic with myself and prepare myself for the worst. I thought my first ultrasound will be the happiest day of my life. First of all the day started of badly. The weather made it impossible for me to even get to the clinic. I called to cancel my appointment and they asked if I could come in later in the day. I agreed to it. J wasn't pleased because the night before he crashed into the middle divider on the freeway because of this crazy weather. It took me 2 hours to get to the clinic. When I got there I was nervous that something was wrong. Sure enough when they did the ultrasound my baby isn't developing as it should. I was devastated. The Dr didn't have any bed side manners and didn't ease my mind at all. He isn't my usual Dr but since the weather threw everyone's appts off I had no choice. Immediately after the ultrasound he told me he doesn't recommend announcing that I'm pregnant. I was a long way from being out of the woods. He then proceeded to ask if I'm experiencing cramping or bleeding. When I said no he asked if I was getting any M/S symptoms. In reality I'm not just bouts of nausea or dizziness. It's not constant and it's always at the same time when I do experience it. Now my symptoms are completely gone. He left the room an my nurse saw the worry in my face. She offered to let me come back next week instead of waiting two weeks. I thanked her and said I will think about it. My baby wasn't even worthy of an ultrasound pic. This made me sad, I don't know how I held it together until I got home from work. This isn't fair. I had my pity party while J was at work and then got over it. It is what it is. Yes there's hope because he didn't say I was probably going to miscarry he just simply said things were in the right place but still small. No fetal pole, no heart beat, just a lonely sac. I refuse to allow myself to ask why because I truly believe things happen a certain way for a reason. I believe in Gods will and if he wants this baby to survive then it's in his hands. I will not blame or ask why. I will try my best to relax and believe things will be alright. 

I would love to start of talking about how great my weekend was but it wasn't. Saturday my brother invited us to Monster Jam. I didn't want to go as much as J did. I went anyway. Afterwards I regretted and had a meltdown because I was in pain. I don't know how I made it back to the car. Let me say how much I avoided stairs since my transfer only to end up at a place with nothing but stairs. I was fine up until the middle of the show. My stomach started hurting. I sat there emotionless for the rest of the show. Afterwards we all went our separate ways so I didn't have to hide the fact that I was uncomfortable. The more J kept asking if I was okay they more I wanted to cry. The next morning the lower back pain subsided and I was just slouching around the house to stay relaxed. After football was over we went grocery shopping. I don't recall straining myself so much but it hit me again. Then I lost it. I cried and I told J I should've never gone to that stupid show. He didn't know what to do or say to me but say he was sorry. Ever since Saturday I haven't been able to get rid of the cramping and lower back pain. These pains aren't frequent they are quite sporadic, mostly at night when I'm trying to sleep. I was so bummed out that I called out on Monday from work because I didn't want to walk around thinking I was making things worst. I texted my nurse and ah assured me what I was feeling was normal just as long as I wasn't heavily bleeding. Spotting is ok. Well I wasn't I just felt bloated, heavy, I peed a lot, lower back pain. All AF symptoms for me. 

Today I went in for my BETA and I made myself sick just being a nervous wreck. One of the nurses asked how I was feeling and when I told her she didn't seem to care. She either didn't know I was pregnant or she really didn't care and just asked the question because she had nothing better to say. My nurse saw me on my way out and sai she will call me when she sees the results come in. My appt was at 7:30am and I got the call at 11:40 am. Before I received the call in kept telling myself if she doesn't call before 12pm like last time then it's bad news. People this isn't good for me! Anyway she called and said my BETA came back at 807 or 847 or something with an 8 in front and 7 at the end. My P4 levels are decreasing though. Today they were at 23. She didn't seem concerned at all so I didn't question it. She congratulated me on being pregnant  and got me over to scheduling. January 24th seems like a millions days away. Specially the way I've been feeling. I pray that my baby is still growing in there. I don't want to think about not hearing a heart beat or not seeing a sac. Ugh! I feel like I've know I'm pregnant forever. The waiting never stops or the worrying. Oh and my thyroid went all coocoo on me. I have to take medication for it now. They say it's common for thyroid to go crazy during pregnancy so they have to control it. I will be retested after 4 weeks to see if I can be taken off the meds. 

Please excuse J's "weird pose" he was a bit intoxicated to say the least. 

On Sunday I was browsing through the Internet and saw these cute little shoes. J said if we won then he would buy them for me. Guess who's getting these adorable shoes? 

My mother asked why I didn't go to work on Monday and I responded with cramps. She knows I get severe cramping so she didn't press on the issue further. So yes my mother thinks Im on my period. Please God, let my baby keep growing so I can share this wonderful news with my mother. 

I am having a difficult time trying to keep the awesome news from my mom. When they came back from their lovely vacation I just wanted to shout out, "Mom, I'm pregnant! I'm finally pregnant!!"  Although I had to hold it in. Why? Because I don't want to get her excited and things go wrong. We are hoping to tell her after our first ultrasound. I initially wanted to wait until the second ultrasound but after being around her I realized it's going to be quite difficult. 

As soon as she saw me she asked when we were going back to the doctors. I couldn't look at her in the face when I lied to her. Did she believe me? I really don't know, I hope. Besides my mother I am hoping to personally tell my grandmother in person when she comes visit in February. After she knows then I really don't care who knows. My mother and my grandmother are the ones I hope to see their reactions an possibly tears? 

J is still in the denial boat. He says he believes I'm pregnant but he doesn't want to get excited because anything can happen. I get it but I wish he was going nuts like I am. I've never ever in my life seen two beautiful lines in a HPT! So this feels surreal to me. I'm excited. I'm worried. Etc. I guess I'll let him eventually get there. 

Today I wore my charm bracelet to my BETA because I wore it to my FET and it brought me luck. On my bracelet I added a pendant my grandmother gave to me a couple years ago. J kept telling me I was going to lose it to take it off. Well sad to say he was right. I had it on this morning for my BETA and by the time I got to work it was gone. (Sigh) God is good because I got a call from my clinic and it was one of the nurses that is only there on Fridays. She is familiar with me because we have the same last name. Hehehe. Anyway, she said she found my pendant and had a feeling it was mine. Aww. She held it for me and I went to go pick it up during my lunch. Not even a minute later after I picked it up my nurse called me giving me my BETA #. At 4 weeks & 1 day it's at 251. I won't go back for a 2nd one until Tuesday. I'm ok with that I have faith things will be ok. What I'm having a hard time with though are the PIO shots. My behind is hurting and J thinks he is hurting me so he is having a hard time giving them to me now. This is all going to be worth it! 

Happy Friday Everyone! Hope everyone has a great weekend. 

Today was my first day back at work after a long weeks rest. Let me just start off by saying it was super cold. Funny how the weather all of a sudden decides to chill on a day I have to go in super super early. Anyhow, this past week was wonderful and well deserved. I don't think I will ever convince J to wait around for me. Hahaha! I know deep down he truly enjoyed it. 

For a couple months now I've been trying to find myself. To discover my true emotions towards my religion. I've always been a believer, I was brought up in a catholic home so it's been with me since I was a baby. During this journey I lost my faith. Not entirely because I've always turned to God when I needed reassurance. That has been my mistake all along. I never gave him 100%, I only seeked when I needed him. Since August, after visiting my mother in law, it was in the back of my mind that I needed to change my ways for the sake of my own happiness. During Christmas time my mother in law gave me that extra push I needed to open my heart to God. 

At night before I lay to sleep, I prayed for peace in my heart and mind. I asked for him to show me the path he wanted me to be in. I also asked for J, for him to open his heart and get closer to God. Of course I always asked for others. Some personalized others in general. This past Sunday he answered my prayers. J was willing to go to church without me begging. He even woke up earlier than usual to make sure he was ready on time. First one out the door! I was amazed! Then after church he confessed he wanted to look for a new church. Or maybe just go to English mass so he can understand it better. Again I've grown up in a Catholic Church my whole life so Spanish mass is just out of habit. I agreed and said we can try it out if that will convince him to go to church on Sunday. You don't know how much this meant to me. Everytime I asked him to go to church with me his responds was, "Go with your Mom. She likes going to church." 

I asked for peace and he is giving it to me. Everytime I feel that I am getting worried about this FET working I just talk to him. Let him know I will be alright because he's by my side and always has. There's so many people who have mentioned Joel Osteen to me that I finally decided to pick up one of his books. 

So far I am loving it! Who knew someone can change your perspective in a matter of seconds. I tried everything I read today at work since it's Monday. Amazing how people tend to react a certain way depending on your response. Not once did I say anything negative about my job or my weekend etc. So I didn't hear any negative responses back. I even got introduce to a new app that I decided to take up the challenge on. A co-worker told me about gratitude365. She said she was doing it because she feels like she has lost herself and wants to make sure she realizes there's a lot to be grateful for in her life. (You basically take a pic each day of something you are grateful for, for 365 days and write something about it.) Pretty neat! I started today so obviously I am 5 days behind. Still taking up the challenge. 

What am I grateful for today? I am grateful that God gave me the opportunity to wake up this morning. A morning that I will never forget. He gave me the courage to grab a FRER, the whole time telling myself "No matter the outcome I will enjoy this day. I will be fine. We have frosties left over and we can try again." The test was just blank with one line. I took a deep breath and kept repeating this to myself looking at the test the entire time. Then as it finally sinked in that I was going to be ok and he was right there with me holding my hand. The test beautifully changed to this: 

I grabbed it with my shaky hand. Tears just flowed down my cheek and I said, "Thank you, God. For this opportunity you have given us." People it was 3 AM! I've been having insomnia for the last 3 days. Once I am awake I can't go back to sleep. I know it's soon and fear is in my heart. But I refuse to let it fill my heart. I am leaving everything in HIS hands. I'm going to take it day by day. 

Of course once it was human waking time for the business world I texted my nurse and sent her the pic of the FRER. She was excited and moved my BETA to Friday instead of Monday. Still seems like forever but it's better than going the whole weekend with this anticipating feeling. J is in denial, he says he will be cautious until he has medical proof I am pregnant. Well my day went by and I got a call from a nurse at my clinic checking how I was. I immediately became excited thinking they wanted me to come in earlier. Was I wrong...as soon as I told her I took a test this morning she flat out told me HPT aren't accurate because of all the meds I'm taking. I felt like my heart was breaking. I softly responded with "But I didn't take a trigger." She didn't care she said it didn't matter. I wanted to cry but I swallowed my pain and texted my nurse to see if this is in fact true. Did I mention how fantabulous she is? 

I love her! She always comes to the rescue! Impatiently waiting til Friday...if everything goes well I don't know how long I can keep this from my mother. She has no clue that we tried again. 

For those of you currently going through a new IVF cycle or FET just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers every night. Thinking of all you ladies who have conceived or still in waiting.

Today was thee day, the day I became PUPO. The day I will remember forever no matter the outcome. Today reassured me that I did the right decision to leave my previous clinic and seek a new one. No regrets. I arrived at the clinic an hour before my appointment for my pre transfer acu session. I felt immediately relaxed and warm. Once that was over I was prepared for my transfer. Of course I forgot to drink water so they kindly gave me some. While J and I were talking Dr K stopped by to check on me. I hadn't seen him since my CD3 u/s and he seemed to be in a jolly mood. I was wearing a charm bracelet that J gave me once we found out our fresh cycle didn't take. He noticed it and smiled he said he got his wife one for Christmas. J personalized the charm bracelet around what we are going through. There's a charm of a baby carriage, a heart with the word peace on it, and a goodluck clove. Of course there's more but just pretty to look at. 

Anyhow, one of the nurses that has been there for me was assisting with the transfer. She came to get me with such a loving emotion. She told me she was extremely happy when she saw me on the list. Once I was all prepared for the Dr to do his job MY nurse, I say my nurse bc she's been there through everything and has never hesitated to do anything for me, came in to say hello and best wishes. She went to get Dr K for us and once he walked in to that room the fun began. I mean who makes you laugh so much when they know you have a full bladder? It got to the point that he said "Alright we should stop making her laugh before we make her pee on us." I honestly thought I was gonna pee right there and then. I love my clinic they really know how to lighten up the mood. Our two embabies were put in and I was sent off to do my acu session in the recovery room. 

J was extremely surprised that people went out of their way to go greet me. When you go to a place consistly these people become like your family. Caring for you shouldn't be a surprise, right? Compared to my last clinic this has truly touched me. There's not a day that I have walked into that clinic and have come out of there in frustration. 

Here's to a good start to 2014! Happy New Year's Eve everyone...hope everyone has a great time. 

Bye bye Christmas! You were such a pleasant surprise this year. I didn't expect you to be full of love this year. You know with me being childless and all? As many of you know my mother in law & brother in law were here for the holiday. At first I was a bit worried being around her. Not because we don't get a long or anything like that. My parents have always raised me to be respectful to others. Well in my pretty little head I think it's respectful to speak Spanish to my mother in law. Simple right? No. Here's the thing I speak more Spanglish than anything. It's kinda embarrassing. She understands and speaks English very well but again I find it respectful to speak in Spanish. 

I finally got over it when I realized she didn't care. That's when the love and bonding time began. When I'm around my mother in law I get all child like. Thoughts like "What if she doesn't like me? "Will she think I'm inappropriate?" Etc. This is kinda funny because she's seen me shitless drunk not once but TWICE! True story. During her visit I helped her make tamales. She showed me how to make some of J's favorite foods. The best part of all she thought me how to make chile! Poor me...I've attempted countless times to make it to no avail. Boo! 

Besides our good bonding we also got to talking about God. She's a very religious lady an I admire her for that. She knows of our struggles and has told me countless times that my child is on its way soon. She's said prayers for us numerous times, once with us there with tears in her eyes. I loved listening to her and admitted it has been hard keeping the faith alive with everything we've been through. As a woman who lost her child at 6 months pregnant she completely understands. Let's just say she made me realize that I am holding back my faith because J is not ready. I on the other hand am ready to surrender my heart and soul to him. It's all in his hands of he wants this upcoming FET to work. If he chooses not to then I understand. Yes I would be heart broken. I'm only human. But in reality...why should I expect what I have not given to him!? I was brought up in a catholic home. I did all my sacraments but I live in sin. I'm not married to J. In Gods eyes that is a sin. Do I wanna get married? Of course we do. Why wouldn't we? We can make many excuses as to why we haven't done it but it won't justify the fact that it's not done. 

In the mist of all this she talked to J about me and how much she loves me. How I'm such a good person and that whenever he is ready or were ready that we should take that next step. I almost cried hearing her say she loves me. I'm telling u I have these childish thoughts sometimes. 

This was the first year that J's mom has spent Xmas with my family. Besides the coldness she wasn't use to I think she liked it. The brother in law didn't want to leave. He begged her to let him stay. That of course didn't work in his favor. Al though I didn't ask for anything this year J surprised me with lovely gifts. It made my day to see him overjoyed to be with his mom and brother this Christmas. 

Update: Last ultrasound was on 12/20 an my lining was at 8mm. I started P shots the day after Christmas. With my luck J left to work early today and forgot to give me my shot. I obviously failed at trying to give it to myself. I rushed over to the clinic and asked if they can kindly give it to me. After work I went back to clinic for my acupuncture session and the weirdest thing happened. My body wa going into deep sleep.. How do I know this?? I start to twitch for some reason. Hahaha! Weird I know. Then all of a sudden I wake up with this weird feeling in my stomach. I couldn't bare to lay down anymore. I told the acupuncturist when she came in and she said she put the needles at points that caused blood flow to the uterus. Could it be a rush of blood?? I don't know. I was relieved when it went away. Hahaha! 

I'll leave you with a pic of my parents and my older brother and of course me.