Lately my feelings have been all over the place. I don't know if I should be excited or just let my true emotions show. Since holiday season is here I am trying to stay at peace with myself for the sake of the people around me, who are indeed enjoying this time of year. I decided to just go with the flow. Lately, I have been outside playing with my nieces (8,6,2). I don't really like to "hang out" with them as you may call it. A part of me feels envy AND another part makes me work twice as hard to reach my dream. Anywho, one day I was outside playing with the two year old, Jayleen, and her sister Jesselle decided to join us as well. We were at the playground set just having a jolly good old time. Did I say OLD? LOL! Here's the story, my 2 yr old niece was playing with a weird looking metal thing that comes with the playground set. It kinda looks like a walker for elderly ppl. I had the brilliant idea to tell her to walk around like she was an "old lady"
. HAHAHA! It makes me laugh just picturing her. She started walking around with it and her sister and I started telling her she was walking to fast. WHOA! Did she get offended. She went up to Jesselle while she was swinging and yelled out, "You OLD LADY!" We both looked at each other with such a shocking face and the only thing that came out of Jesselle's mouth was,"Did she just call me an old lady?" Jay,"Ya I did." She started running giggling the whole way. Where was she going? I have no idea. When she came back I saw my brother running to the garage to get some tools for the porch they are building at his house. I told my niece, "Look there's your dad running. Yell out at him and say run old man run." Jay, "No. I can't say that." Me, "Why?" Jay, "Cause my daddy is not old." Me, "Your sister isn't old and you called her old lady." Jay,"Ya she is! Old Lady!" Once again she ran off giggling the whole way.

Once that day was over I realized that I was not spending enough time with them. They grow so fast! I was going through some old pictures and happened to come across a picture of them for Halloween in 2011 and I compared it to 2012. BOY is there a big difference. It got me curious so I started going through my laptop and found videos and pictures of when Jay was born. I almost cried. I knew right there and then that I did not want to waste anymore time on being miserable day in and day out, because I can't bare a child of my own. These girls mean the world to me and I want to be a part of their lifes as they get older and grow into beautiful young ladies. (Hopefully not in a blink of an eye). I don't want them to just see me as just another aunt. I want to be known as "thee" aunt lol!

Well I hope everyone enjoys their holidays, I probably won't be updating my blog for awhile. For those of use who are still waiting on our little miracle I ask of you not to lose HOPE.

Lately I have been thinking about 2013 and what it will bring into our lifes. Sometimes I can be optimistic but at times I cannot seem to see what the future holds for me. The thought of never having the ability to bare a child of my own saddens me. Not only because I want this more than anything in this world but because DH is always talking about "when we have our kids". Its every couples' dream isn't it? To see a little mini us running around and seeing/ learning new things everyday. I will try my best to stay hopeful so that I can continue with this journey and send my body positive vibes that we will achieve our dream. I stumbled upon this poem/writing on pinterest and it encouraged me not to quit so soon. Hope you ladies find a piece of motivation/encouragement to stay strong and positive through this journey.

On another note, this weekend Dh & I found out one of his sisters is getting married in 2013. So now we have two weddings to look forward to in the coming year. We were planning to go to California 2xs in 2013. So now we will be going in August for the wedding, which is perfect because its a couple days after my BDAY(=, and hopefully for a holiday. I know it has been tough for DH this year not seeing his family, with that in mind I told him that next year we will go whenever he wants to. He didn't seem to pleased since NEXT YEAR sounds a lifetime away. But when he received the news of his sister getting married his doubtfulness turned into excitement. Another of his sisters that just had a baby girl in October sent us a pic last night. Eventhough I am having such a difficult time with conceiving my feelings towards her new bundle of joy aren't bitter. We used to live with her when we first moved in together. She has a big heart and I grew very fond of her kids, as I can tell they also grew fond of me too.

Until I get my first chance at an IUI. On December 3rd I went in for my HSG test, as I mentioned on another post, and the doctor was unable to get the catheter through my cervix. I couldn't really tell u how many times he tried because he just kept moving it and I felt so uncomfortable. He finally gave up and said I needed to be dialated of this test was ever going to get done...he will send the results to my RE and see how he wants to proceed. They should receive the results in 24hrs were his last words. More than 24 hours have passed and I hadn't heard back from my RE's office. I gave them a call today to see of they have received the results and what was the next step. I explained to the nurse that they were unable to perform the test cause the catheter wouldn't go through. She said she spoke to Dr. M and the other doctor had called him and told him what happened. Dr. M wants me to go in early morning tomorrow so they can dialate me and then send me off to do the HSG again on the same day.

I was speechless to hear that they couldn't just try the treatment and see how it goes. =[ What if my tubes aren't block or anything? What if my IUI works and I don't have to go the extra mile? I know they won't allow it...but that's my personal opinion. I can't afford to do another HSG again this month. Xmas is on the way and there's money to be spent. My insurance only covers 80% of the test and I had to pay $190 at the appt. I can't cough up almost $200 again. So where does that leave us? I have to wait until next cycle to go through the pain of an HSG/ dialation procedure to even start treatment. My cycles are all wonky and I probably won't be doing my first IUI until the ends of February or beginning of March. So much for being pregnant before my brothers wedding.

DH is feeling very sentimental towards my actions lately. He says I have let all this TTC stuff get to me and he doesn't feel like I love him. I try to tell him that I don't mean to be "bitchy" towards him or anyone else...its just hard for me to keep getting bad news. He tries to understand but he says I need to understand I am not the only one suffering. What to do? I can't control my emotions...I just feel worthless at times. Crying doesn't really help me anymore it just frustrates me more that I see my dream vanishing from my reach. I love DH deeply, I dnt want to hurt his feelings I just need him to love me and show it more than ever.

Why is it that the saying of "You don't know what you have until its gone" true? I am ashame to say that I did not realize what she meant to me before she was taken from my life. When I look back and see the efforts she put in to building a bond with me was truly unbelieveable. She had a good heart, darling mother, and a strong person. I can't help wondering why good souls leave this earth before the bad. It is not my place to question why it happened but I do want to write a little about our dearest friends that are now in heaven and looking down on their love ones.

First and foremost, I want to tell you a little about why they were special to me. Delora and David were such an amazing couple. They both shared and loved with equal value two amazing people in this world, their KIDS! (My heartaches when I think of them.) There was not one day that they did not mention their kids or showed us videos or pictures of the things they did. I knew this was a great bond between them and given their age I was surprise of how much they put their kids first. I met David through DH, we all went to the same HS. DH & David knew eachother since they were little kids. I believe they lived in the same neighborhood before David moved. Throughout HS David was one of the few friends of DH that I had great respect for. Now you might wonder why I felt this way...well my reason was simple...he never treated me like just DH's GF, he treated me like his friend. At first I didn't think much of it until years later. Once we graduated our friends went their own ways as so did we. We kept in touch as much as we could but eventually you stop hearing from people. When DH & I decided to get our own place it just happened to be around the time David & Delora moved to the same city. Both DH & David worked the night shift so everyday after work they would hang out in D & D's home. That's where our friendship rekindled. At this point I didnt know Delora, I knew about her but had never seen her. We all hung out one night and after that night David asked me why I didnt reach out to his wife to talk or go somewhere to get to know eachother. I was all for the idea but I never really made the effort. Until, DH & him both asked why I hadnt called her and if it was ok to give her my #. I made excuses not realizing that I was putting it off. The day came that Delora and I had our heart to heart talk....even if I try I will never forget her face with tears. She was very honest with me about everything. When I moved to Texas she stayed with me on the phone while I drove at night. She said she wanted to keep me up until I reached my resting point. All these memories I have of her...bring tears to my eyes.

I still remember the day I found out she was gone. I was sitting at work when I received a text, a TEXT from another friend saying Delora and David had passed away the night before. My eyes began to fill with tears, my chest felt as if someone had punched me, I couldn't breath. I could barely get up from my desk to call DH. He had already received a phone call from another friend telling him what happened. (I would rather get a call than a text, but that's just me personally.) We flew down to California for the funeral. I cried for days on end asking why of all people did they have to be taken from this world. The funeral was hard to bare...when I saw their daughter & son (4 & 2 at the time)I began to cry even more telling DH that it wasn't fair that they got both their parents taken at such a young age. My heartached when I saw the little girl ask her grandfather if she could put flowers on her mom's sleeping bed.

During this hard journey there is not one day that I don't remember Delora. She was the only one that cared enough to ask about my troubles to conceive. She always gave me pep talks that my day would come and our kids would be the best of friends just like there dads. (Trying to collect myself) Now IF my day ever comes will our kids ever meet one day? I told DH that when that day comes that we do get the opportunity to have our own child, I would love more than anything for him to take me to their tomb so I can share the news because they were the only ones who really cared for both of us and werent afraid to show it.

David & Delora you will always be in our hearts and never forgotten.
R.I.P 4/17/11

Oh the joy of trying on dresses and feeling like you are in a fairy tale is quite exquisite. I am not the type to twirl around in dresses or skirts, shorts is the closest I get, I prefer JEANS. (chuckle) Why?! I don't know...I just don't feel comfortable, or it's just that I have extremely white legs. LOL! Anyways, on Saturday I went with my SIL to try on dresses so she can decided on which one is going to be the one since her time is running out. I got to take lots of pictures of the dresses she tried on and gave her my opinion on the dresses. I have to admit I almost cried when she tried on the first dress. The dress was stunning! It gave her such a glow that I was in an awe moment for a while. After she was done it was my turn to try on dresses!! No not wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses. I grabbed a few of the rack and took them back to the dressing room. The lady asked what style of dress I was aiming for and my response was, "FLOWY!" The wedding is going to be in Spring and I don't want something that entirely sticks to my body. I want to be able to feel slightly free. When I was trying on the dresses I couldnt help but think how fun and difficult this was. (As far as making a decision.) If I was having such a hard time I could only imagine what she was feeling inside. All these beautiful dresses and she could only pick one. By the end of the day she came to the realization that she couldn't get the dress that I believed made her GLOW. She settled for another one that was better in price and it was a beautiful dress.

I have to be honest, I haven't gotten married through church so I haven't gone through this emotional rollercoaster of planning a wedding. DH & I talked about it and since our family lives in California we will wait until 2014 to do ours, for the sake of the expense of the guest. I know, I know you are probably thinking "You are not married and you want to have a child?". Yes, yes I do! I am not afraid or ashame to say it. I am proud to say that Dh (yes I call him my husband bc we have been together forever)and I have stayed together for 8 years + because we love each other not because we had kids at such a young age. A lot of people are surprise to hear me say I don't have kids but I am with my HS sweetheart. If that's not true love then what is?

Moving forward...I went for my HSG test yesterday. Saying that I was extremely nervous doesnt do its justice because I was afraid of the pain that people seem to complain about. When I got called in I felt like I was having a panic attack, the nurse explained to me what was going to be done. When the actual doctor came in he explained it in more detailed and began the procedure. I have to admit that it was just uncomfortable but not painful BUT I couldnt really tell you because the catheter wouldn't go through my cervix. Results = FAILED HSG. He told me he couldn't get the catheter to go in there that my cervix was to tight, he was going to send the images to my doctor to see what he wants to do. More than likely I would have to be dialated to get the catheter through but they don't have the proper equipment for that. So could this be the reason for me not getting pregnant? Who knows...he said he didnt want to say that was the reason for me not conceiving cause he didn't have my history. So it left me with the idea that he believed this could be the cause. Now I am here having an emotional toll thinking I will never be a mother and I have to go through more pain to accomplish this dream! I broke down as soon as I walked out of there. DH asked how everything went when I got out, he drove me there, and I just looked at him with tears. I told him I didnt know how much of this I could take and I wasn't strong enough to go through it. He was speechless and said if I had to go through pain that he wouldnt go through treatment because he didnt want to put me through it. At this point I don't know what to think or if I am overthinking it. I am just going to wait for my doctor to call me and tell me the next step and I will make a decision from there.