Today Yes Tomorrow Maybe

This post is suppose to be filled with joy and excitement. Instead I have been hesitant to write this post. Let's start at the beginning...

At 4DP5DT I felt horrendous cramps that shot down my back and legs. I managed to sleep it off and the following day I felt fine until the day progressed. I began feeling like my period was coming. I woke up at 2:30am at 6DP5DT about to burst. I decided to POAS only to see a BFN. My heart sank, my body felt numb, I felt devastated. I stayed up an hour staring at that stick. After a while I convinced myself I saw a line, possibly an evap but I saw it. J of course told me to go back to sleep because I was going crazy he didn't see anything. I kept getting this nagging feeling to test again before we headed off to celebrate Thanksgiving. This time around he saw a 2nd line so we left it at that. The following day We would know if it was a fluke. 

7dp5dt we had confirmed FET 4 worked. I texted my nurse and moved my beta from Tuesday to Monday. Soon after I started spotting. This spotting was odd- I didn't even think it was spotting til the following day. I started getting bad cramps and a feeling my period was going to appear any minute. Again I didn't consider it spotting til I felt off. My right side near my belly button started hurting (I usually get this before a miscarriage). My world fell apart just imagining another loss. 

When I went in for blood work today I talked to my Dr. I couldn't even start talking without sobbing. She pulled me into her office and attempted to calm me down. I described every little detail I felt and was already expecting another loss. She couldn't give me a definete answer as to what was happening. I could see in her eyes she wanted to make everything better but didn't know how. She admitted the medication I was already on would be the only thing she had to prevent miscarriages. If there was another drug she would give it to me instantly. After I wiped my tears away she looked at me and said, "I've never seen you so emotional. This is a good thing. Must be pregnancy hormones rising in your body." She said depending on my results she would probably add vaginal suppositories. In the state that I was in I even considered a leave of absence from work. She was hesitant only for the sole purpose that I would stress out more just laying around. For now that is still up in the air. She did ask me to take a couple days off to rest and see of the spotting subsides. 

At 11am Dr B called and my heart sank. Drs only call if there's bad news. She immediately informed me not to freak out she was calling because she wanted to personally deliver the news herself. My beta came back at 340 and my progesterone at 40. No need for extra suppositories. We won't know if this pregnancy is progressing until Wednesday. Even with this news J and I are on pins and needles. J is having a harder time embracing the little good news we received. It breaks my heart to see him act like this pregnancy is not going to last. Though I would be a hypocrite if I said I had faith it was going to last. One day at a time... Today we are pregnant, what about tomorrow? 

*excuse typos used my phone