Pregnancy is suppose to be full of joy and excitement. The kind that makes you want to blurt out to a random stranger "I'm PREGNANT!" Guilt fills my heart every time I realize that my own emotions are fear, stress and anxiety. Am I going to continue feeling this way throughout this pregnancy? Sometimes I wish I was oblivious to everything that can go wrong. Its merely impossible to erase my experiences throughout this journey. So the only obvious thing to do is close my eyes and pretend.

I haven't been to work for a week now. Fear gets the best of me that I just can't bring myself to go to work. Tomorrow is a new day and I might give it a try. Yesterday I was having a super lazy day at home. Cooking was probably the only activity I did besides washing dishes. And just like that my body decided to bleed out again. I got ready for bed and decided to call the clinic first thing in the morning. J was detached since the minute he woke up. Not a word was spoken until we arrived at the clinic. Dr B does a great job on keeping my mind at ease. She reminded us that all we can do is take a look and see what's going on. So we did...our little miracle is still trucking along growing with a heartbeat.

There's still no explanation as to why I'm sporadically bleeding. There's no bleeding in my uterus and gestational sac is attached all the way around. Dr B says she has another patitient who was taken off of lovenox due to bleeding. Unfortunately I can't stop or don't want to because I have three major reasons to be on them. Not only that but thanks to these meds this is the farthest we've ever gotten in a pregnancy. So what do we do? We suck it up and take it day by day. I will be having monitoring appts every four days to check on the progress of the baby. Since it seems like every four days my body decides to bleed.

Dr B said if she could bring me in every day she would or if she could have me carry an ultrasound machine with me to ease my mind she would hand it off to me. J of course shook his head in disapproval. She laughed and asked if it was a bad idea. "It will make her a little more crazy," was his response. Every four days it is! Of course Dr B reassured me it's not a bother for me to come in so often and it wouldn't cause any harm to the baby to keep looking. We've been through a lot this year as it is so for now this is the way things will be handled.

My heart sank when I saw blood when I wiped. It wasn't a smudge or spotting IT WAS FULL ON menstrual bleeding. I freaked out and called J to bring me a pad. Tears were not present at the time or for the rest of the night. I was numb. Confused. Why does this keep happening? J was even more confused, he couldn't understand what was going on. He kept asking me why I was bleeding and I felt hopeless.

Was I losing my baby once again? Monday morning couldn't come any quicker. I couldn't even bring myself to call my nurse I just texted her and was told to come in. I waited for J to wake up because I couldn't go to this appointment by myself.

When we arrived my Doctor was doing a retrieval so we were left waiting for a bit. By the time we got to the appointment my bleeding went from bright red to dark brown. Dr B finally came in with worry on her face. I let her know that it was no longer bright red it was now brown discharge. She immediately let me know that was actually good news. She performed an ultrasound and our baby was still there. (Thank you Jesus!) Measuring right on track of 6 weeks 1 day. She pointed out our baby's heart flickering on the screen. We also got to hear it although it was for a couple seconds. Apparently she said with the u/s machine we were using we were really pushing it on hearing a heartbeat this early. They usually try to do it at 6.3 weeks or later to get a better reading.

My eyes filled with tears when she pointed out the heartbeat. She reminded us this is the farthest we have gone and I should believe it's happening. I'm trying, I really am but I feel like now my fear has increased on losing this little one. Were taking it day by day for now. Dr B understands I'm a nervous wreck so she asked me to come back Friday to take another look.

She doesn't know why I bled the way I did. There's no signs of tears or bleeding around the sac. She believes there's a war inside my uterus as far as my antibodies trying to end the pregnancy and the meds working hard to prevent it. But she also mentioned that some women just bleed or have brown discharge while on lovenox and stopping it usually stops it. Lucky for me I can't stop my meds so I just have to brace myself for possible breakthrough bleeding again. Friday seems so far away but I'm praying I make it that far without having any further complications. Although my Dr assured me if it happened again to let them know and they will see me sooner.

After arriving home yesterday I saw an abundance of brown discharge on my undies. It was still there when I wiped. I haven't been feeling well. I get extremely dizzy regardless of what I eat. With this happening I managed to convince myself I was having an ectopic pregnancy. My right side has been hurting non stop, near my belly button.

My mind was thinking of every scenerio possible. I refused to get out of bed in hopes the brown discharge would subside. Those sudden pains would come and go. At 7:30 am I called my nurse and she asked me  to come in for a check up. After arriving there I expected them just to do blood work and send me on my way only to have a stressful weekend. That wasn't the case...they immediately called me in asked me to empty my bladder and they will be with me shortly.

Dr B poked her head to my room and asked what was going on. I explained to her what I was experiencing trying my best to hold back my tears. Unfortunately J was at work til 5 am so he wasn't with me. Ultrasound showed no blood in my uterus or around gestational sac. What we did see was our miracle baby fighting hard to hold on...measuring exactly 5 weeks 6 days. This is when the tears started flowing because I've never seen THIS! Its always been empty sacs. Dr B is making the assumption my body was just expelling old implantation blood. My UTI seems to disappear and then come back. Given that the antibiotics aren't strong enough I might have to continue on them to male sure the infection doesn't cause anymore irritation to my bladder. For now Dr B is holding on to hope as I will continue to worry maybe until we hear our baby's heartbeat or maybe until he/she is moving noticeably inside me.

We go back Wednesday in hopes to hear a heartbeat. Thank u everyone for the well wishes please keep praying this little miracle keeps fighting.

I guess the body wants what the body wants... And my body doesn't want this pregnancy. I wish I could hold on to hope but I've been down this rode before and I know where its leading to.

One day but that day isn't today. Wish u would hold on little one but if u don't u will have good company up in heaven.

It seems that my body and mind like to play games with me. How could've I not figured this out sooner? I knew there was something odd about my spotting. Things didn't feel right it felt like the witch was on its way. Once that subsided the symptoms became evident there was another culprit. Yup I have a lovely UTI!

By Thursday the pain became unbearable and just like that it hit me. I grabbed my phone texted my nurse and demanded an appt for the next day. OK, ok didn't have to demand I simply asked if I could stop by the following day. That morning I noticed blood on my pantyliner and I became nervous. I mentioned it to the nurse and as soon as those words left my mouth another nurse yelled, "There's blood in her urine sample. Definitely an infection."

You mean I could have been bleeding all along because my body was trying to tell me something? Apparently this isn't the first time I developed one. During my last miscarriage I also went in because I was uncomfortable. Lab results showed I had a bacteria infection and no one told me anything! Now I'm wondering if it ever left in the first place.

Antibiotics and cranberry juice it is! I'm hoping I can clear this up soon and I don't have to be in so much pain. At first I thought this was going to put my mind at ease (laughing) not even one bit. My acupuncturists asked me of I was stressed after feeling my pulse. I couldn't lie...I've been a little over the edge. I even developed major insomnia which doesn't help.

9 more days until the fate of this pregnancy is revealed.

After a rough start my body seems to be recognizing this pregnancy. My spotting has completely stopped, slight cramping here and there but nothing to alarming. At this point we've decided that it is safe for me to go back to work. A part of me is developing anxiety going back but it must be done.

We're not out of the woods yet and I don't think we will until I get to see my baby on the ultrasound. I fear to see an empty sac again. My mind is raising thinking it will happen again. I try my best to be positive but I'm trying to guard my heart. Blood results revealed pregnancy is progressing as it should, levels went from 340 to 1060. My thyroid levels did rise but still within range, it went from .4 to 1.4.

We have another two week wait ahead of us before my heart can find peace. For now I will indulge in some acupuncture.

This post is suppose to be filled with joy and excitement. Instead I have been hesitant to write this post. Let's start at the beginning...

At 4DP5DT I felt horrendous cramps that shot down my back and legs. I managed to sleep it off and the following day I felt fine until the day progressed. I began feeling like my period was coming. I woke up at 2:30am at 6DP5DT about to burst. I decided to POAS only to see a BFN. My heart sank, my body felt numb, I felt devastated. I stayed up an hour staring at that stick. After a while I convinced myself I saw a line, possibly an evap but I saw it. J of course told me to go back to sleep because I was going crazy he didn't see anything. I kept getting this nagging feeling to test again before we headed off to celebrate Thanksgiving. This time around he saw a 2nd line so we left it at that. The following day We would know if it was a fluke. 

7dp5dt we had confirmed FET 4 worked. I texted my nurse and moved my beta from Tuesday to Monday. Soon after I started spotting. This spotting was odd- I didn't even think it was spotting til the following day. I started getting bad cramps and a feeling my period was going to appear any minute. Again I didn't consider it spotting til I felt off. My right side near my belly button started hurting (I usually get this before a miscarriage). My world fell apart just imagining another loss. 

When I went in for blood work today I talked to my Dr. I couldn't even start talking without sobbing. She pulled me into her office and attempted to calm me down. I described every little detail I felt and was already expecting another loss. She couldn't give me a definete answer as to what was happening. I could see in her eyes she wanted to make everything better but didn't know how. She admitted the medication I was already on would be the only thing she had to prevent miscarriages. If there was another drug she would give it to me instantly. After I wiped my tears away she looked at me and said, "I've never seen you so emotional. This is a good thing. Must be pregnancy hormones rising in your body." She said depending on my results she would probably add vaginal suppositories. In the state that I was in I even considered a leave of absence from work. She was hesitant only for the sole purpose that I would stress out more just laying around. For now that is still up in the air. She did ask me to take a couple days off to rest and see of the spotting subsides. 

At 11am Dr B called and my heart sank. Drs only call if there's bad news. She immediately informed me not to freak out she was calling because she wanted to personally deliver the news herself. My beta came back at 340 and my progesterone at 40. No need for extra suppositories. We won't know if this pregnancy is progressing until Wednesday. Even with this news J and I are on pins and needles. J is having a harder time embracing the little good news we received. It breaks my heart to see him act like this pregnancy is not going to last. Though I would be a hypocrite if I said I had faith it was going to last. One day at a time... Today we are pregnant, what about tomorrow? 

*excuse typos used my phone