Over

I woke up bleeding again...I wasn't going to wait until Wednesday afternoon to confirm what I already knew. I text my nurse to make her aware and I wanted to go in today because we were going out of town this weekend. I didn't want to be in a the midst of a miscarriage while I was at a wedding. She agreed so we can get it oger with. My Dr called earlier than last time to confirm this was not a viable pregnancy.  I can't say I was surprised by the news. Her reaction was extremely shocking...she was the one in disbelief of what was going on. It boggles her mind to see a perfectly good ultrasound only to get contradicting results.

At this point they think it's my body rejecting the embryos. My levels were more than doubling,  which she was ecstatic about, then two days later my body just decided to terminate the pregnancy. I was at the mall shopping for my wedding attire only to be scarred for life. I will never forget my trip to the restroom that day. J didn't believe me when I told him i was bleeding.  He laughed a little and told me to stop playing games. When he saw me on the phone calling my nurse his face expression completely changed. Tears started flowing down my face and we headed home. By his reaction and constant questioning I figured he was in shock. Denial perhaps but then again so was I.

Dr B & A had a discussion before she called me. They both agreed that although my first loss was due to chromosomal abnormality I need a recurrent pregnancy loss panel. My first thought was Lupus because my aunt has it. Before I did the transfer she insisted I get tested for Lupus given that I am vitamin D deficient. Regardless of the results my Dr wants me on Lovenox for our next cycle.  She prefers us not to take a break and just jump right into another cycle. We also agreed to transfer one embryo this time around. We had two different perspectives as to why. Considering we only have three embryos left she doesn't want to lose more than one if I were to miscarry again. Personally I agreed to one solely for the reason that my body can't hold a pregnancy in the first place why risk my body going haywire and it's unable to support twins. A healthy pregnancy is my goal right now. Getting pregnant is not the problem (via IVF) it's staying pregnant. As long as my polyps don't come back then we still have a fighting chance.

Strangely when I started bleeding J and I discussed adoption. (J has never been on board with adoption, his perspective had always been "if I can't have my own biological child then I rather be childless.") When I brought it up I expected the same cut throat comment to end the subject...instead his response was "If that's what God wants then that's what we will do."  My jaw dropped then I realized he was grieving the loss of this pregnancy. We didn't discuss this in detail but we agreed that it's something we will start saving for if that is where our path is leading us.

I am grateful that my mother was aware of this pregnancy. Having her support means the world to me. Even if she doesn't fully comprehend what's happening. I know she wishes she can do something to heal my pain. Thank you all for your loving comments and support. I know all three of our angels are in a better place.