We decided to spend the holidays in California this year. Its been years since we have been with J's family for the holidays. I was a bit nervous traveling with this little man on the airplane but he did really good. I nursed him on the way up and he slept all through the flight. We left Texas just in time too since apparently it's getting warm over there. Weather here is kinda all over the place. From rain to gloomy weather but it only means we packed just right.

Now I leave u with some Christmas photos.

Who knew that ovulation and a menstrual cycle can affect your milk supply. I went from having 7 oz at each pumping session to 5 to barely 3 oz. Whoa! Baby boy is also not liking the taste of breast milk while I'm on my cycle. Thank goodness for formula. I've been told my supply should go back up once I'm done cycling but who knows.

On another note I also learned that exclusively breast fed babies don't poop everyday or every other day. My son goes anywhere from 4- 7 days between poops. I have taken him to the doctors for it but not because he's fussy just because I got worried. He was extremely happy during his appt that doctor said its normal if he's not crying or complaining then let him poop when he wants. All his stools are still loose when he does go so I guess he's good. Just had his 4 month check up and doctor once again said its normal and my son was a very active baby no signs of alarm.

So there you go folks new things I've learned.

PPS. First cycle after baby is the worst. :'(

Stats: I am not sure of his weight until Monday but he was at the doctors two weeks ago weighing in at 13lbs 2 oz. He is still wearing 3-6 month clothing depending on the brand of course.

Nicknames: Mr. Grump, Izzy, Prince/ In Spanish: Gordo, Mayito, Chuyito

Likes: Still in love with blankets. His face expression is actually pretty priceless when you give him a blanket. He loves to sit with Dad in the afternoon while Mommy is cooking, next thing I know he’s a sleep in Dad’s arm. He likes soft toys that have lots of colors; his face expression when he sees them is as priceless as the one for his blankie. This kid is a lover of people in general; if you talk to him he will give you the biggest smile ever. Bath time is still his favorite.

Dislikes: Still isn’t a fan of tummy time. He prefers being in his Rock N Play (which he is growing out of fast), bouncer, or just laying around somewhere than being held for long periods of time. Since my supply has strangely diminished we introduced formula this week at first he was ok with it but now he seems to know the difference and spits it out. Luckily he gets one or two bottle max of formula so it allows me to wean him in to it a bit.

Special Skills: He knows how to get people to do what he wants. Wish I was that talented! I guess people cant resist his little pouty face. Plus that hair! He knows how to remove his pacifier with his hand now, I think he enjoys this part until he realizes he can’t get it back into his mouth. Singing until he frustrates himself, you literately hear a nice little rhythm coming from him until it turns into a full on scream. Attention seeker! He also farts like a grown kid and gets a kick out of you telling him eww!

He got to meet his Great Grammy and she put him to sleep real quick. 
Sleeping: Hit or miss depending on his sleep pattern during the day. With the cold weather coming around he started waking up every 1.5 hours until I finally left him by my side. Mommy got smart and put a blanket underneath him and two blankets over him tucking his arms on top. (Now I know they say its not safe to give babies blankets but his co sleeper is literally attached to my bed where I can watch him. My son has never pulled his blankets over his head he actually puts his arms on top of the blanket to avoid them moving. Sometimes I catch him covering his arms when he is cold and its strange because he does it in a way that the blanket still stays away from his shoulder area. Either way whenever he wants his blanket off because he is hot he kicks them off until he is completely uncovered.) So yes this kid surprises me with the way he sleeps.

No one can truly understand what you are going through unless they've been through it themselves.

A fellow colleague said those exact words to me the other day. Her sister in law just had a baby last week after experiencing infertility for a couple years. Our conversation started discussing pregnancy experiences which also resulted in speaking of miscarriages. I have never been ashamed or shy about our infertility struggles, truthfully no one was aware of our treatment since I was new to the department. My pregnancy remained a secret until I was five months pregnant only because my manager encouraged me to share it with everyone. My opinion people were beginning to question one another if I was pregnant. LOL! Anywho, when she began to tell me about her SILs struggles my heart skipped a beat. She went through 3 IUIs all resulting in BFNs. I could see the true emotions in her face expressions. Here she was feeling guilty of how fertile she was while her dear SIL struggled to get pregnant throughout many years.

Here I was with three pregnancies under my belt, one resulting in a miscarriage, but still it was three when she couldn't get pregnant at all. I felt horrible because I knew I was probably adding on to her pain.

I personally have never heard a fertile women say such nice caring genuine things about someone struggling. There bond was so strong that her SIL admitted to her how she hated all those teenagers having babies, women abusing, killing, etc their babies. All the emotions that we have felt throughout this rollercoaster of a journey she was 100% aware of and didn't judge her. Hearing all this was music to my ears. It comforted me in such a way that I let her in to my own world of IF. At first I saw that guilty expression come over her realizing that some of her comments to me might have stung a bit. We were able to share our experiences on miscarriages. The emotional rollercoaster you go through when you hear those words come out of the doctor's mouth. You feel paralyze, denial, sick and you wished it was all a dream. We also discussed how difficult it was to enjoy our pregnancy after experiencing a miscarriage. I was able to relate on buying a Doppler to make sure there was still a heart beat, our husbands thinking we were insane and forbid us to use it frequently.

I never thought I would be able to speak to a woman who didn't have trouble conceiving and be understood. She wished us luck on TTC on our own if not then gave us her best wishes on getting knocked up again with a little help from science. To that I say thank you for listening to your struggling SIL, to being open about others emotions you truly have an amazing heart.

Lately I've been an emotional hormonal momma. Tears start flowing over things I cannot control but wished I could. On October 15th for Pregnancy & Infant loss I shed many tears. Not only for me but for everyone who has lost their beautiful babies. While lighting a candle that night I held my son tightly I told him about his siblings and how they were looking over him in heaven. Although he truly fills my heart with blissful love I can't seem to feel saddened by the women who are still experiencing failed cycles, miscarriages, or another disappointment. It pains my heart to see them continuing to struggle. Our journey to Baby Izzy wasn't easy and it took what you would call experimental cycles. I say experimental because it took a couple failures and miscarriages to find out the plan that worked for us. It wasn't easy it was an emotional toll that J was hesitant on allowing me to continue with fertility treatments. 

I wish I could do something to heal their broken hearts during this waiting game. Every night before I go to sleep I give thanks to Him for never leaving my side during the ups and downs in my journey. I also ask for everyone one of you ladies still struggling or dealing with a difficult time. 

Even out of the trenches my mind and heart still fear IF. We know we want more children in the future and the thought of someone else in my family having yet another kid before I can conceive a second child taunts me. How could my mind have these thoughts when Izzy is my greatest joy in my life? Everyone talks about how your body might just know what to do on its own after having a baby but what if it doesn't, will I be ok emotionally? 

Sorry I might sound selfish for having these thoughts when there is lots of you out there still struggling to have a baby. I just never thought I would experience these same emotions that I would read on other peoples blogs. I guess IF never really leaves your mind alone. 

Again sorry for that pitty sentences I wrote. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and stays warm. 

Stats: I am not sure of his weight but he is wearing 3-6 month clothing and 6-12 month socks.

Nicknames: Mr. Grump, Izzy/ In Spanish: Gordo, Mayito, Chuyito

Likes: I wouldn’t say he likes his blanket because he loves it. If he’s restless or grumpy I put his little blankie over his feet he’ll grab it and has a blast with it. He will either suck on it or holds it with some singing involved. I picture him singing a blankie lullaby. Speaking of blankets he also loves to be wrapped up like a burrito, it totally makes his day. I hope he doesn’t grow out of this since he doesn’t fuss in the AM when I am getting him ready to take to grammy’s house. He still loves me running my fingers through his hair as well as me holding his hands when he’s chillen in his boppy pillow or bumbo seat.

Dislikes: Tummy time, what baby loves tummy time?? He doesn’t like it when hes held like a baby, only time he lets you do this is when he’s wrapped up in a blanket. So you have to hold him sitting up with his back up against ur chest. Or he will tolerate being held looking over your shoulder.

Special Skills: He’s a screamer. Lol. Not in a bad way he just screams until you give him attention. No picking up is required just give him a little love and he’s a happy camper.

Sleeping: It all depends on his mood for the day. My mom says he takes anywhere from cat naps or up to an hour. Which means he’s a good sleeper at night, only wakes up once and its usually right around the time I need to get up for work. I usually feed him and he’s out again until I wake him up to take him to grammy’s.

Mommy: I am starting to get a routine going on now that I am back at work. Its also getting easier leaving him behind even though he's in good hands I miss him dearly. Now that I am back at work I am eating more frequently, it could be out of boredom, but I don't mind it since J tells me all the time that I need to gain weight. In all honesty I agree with him but I don't see that happening until I stop breastfeeding. The hunger is no joke that I grab anything in sight. Ugh! Even with the unhealthy decisions I cant seem to gain any weight only lose weight.

Daddy: He gets a kick out of everything Izzy does. Im sure these two will have a great bond since he loves seeing his dad.

Throughout my pregnancy I constantly got told how exhausted I would be when baby arrived. If we didn't do team work I would become frustrated. To enjoy getting ready now before baby came because I could kiss those days goodbye. Blah Blah Blah! Same ol same ol stuff. Why don't people talk about significant things that you might come across so you wont question is this normal? So I decided I would write a post about my post partum experiences. Now I do realize not everyone goes through the same things but I wished these were the types of things women would have spoken to me about.

SEX
I recall my cousin telling me to enjoy it now before baby arrived. In her experienced she couldn't stand her baby's father to touch her. Her hormones were all over the place that the thought of having sex was not appealing. My experience, well lets just say I thought the 6 week waiting period was torture. Of course I kept these comments to myself because knowing J he would somehow convince me it would be ok to break the rules. Two or three days before my 6 week follow up I told myself "who cares its only a couple days". We attempted to do the deed and it ended in an epic fail. I was in a lot of pain that it was not worth it. My incision was not painful at all it was penetration. (Sorry TMI but like I mentioned I wish someone would have told me) I felt dry, even though J claims otherwise, I felt like I was being ripped open and it hurt when I tried using the restroom. I knew it wasn't a UTI but decided to ask my doctor about it anyways. Which leads me to my next subject.

Breastfeeding

Everyone points out all the great benefits of breastfeeding and doesn't speak about the side effects. Now before I continue on this subject I want to say I love breastfeeding even with the bad side effects. At my 6 week appointment I curiously asked the doctor if it was normal to experience dryness after delivering a baby. He laughed held my hand then said, "Everyone talks about the wonders of breastfeeding but they refuse to point out the side effects. Don't get me wrong you are doing such a wonderful thing for your baby you just have to adjust to these new changes." Breastfeeding causes dryness, random spotting (mine stopped completely at 8 weeks), constant hunger, and if you experience engorgement its quite painful. I personally feel when my milk is coming in and its such a weird feeling that at first it made me stop in my tracks. Not everyone has the privilege to experience these lovely symptoms but I did. As for why it was painful when we attempted to have sex well apparently when you deliver the placenta your brain gets a signal to tighten up again. After a few uncomfortable attempts things went back to normal, thankfully because I read some scary stories out there. Lastly, I have to avoid all dairy products specially milk because baby boy can't digest it right. No he's not lactose intolerant but the protein in dairy products hurt his tummy which causes bleeding.

Sleep

Do I miss it? No. Baby boy isn't that bad when he wakes up. I can simply grab him from his cosleeper stick him to the boob and he's out again. Depending on how much sleep he gets during the day he will only wake up once during the night the most twice. Before coming back to work I was able to take naps during the day. Now I am able to get to sleep earlier at night instead of tossing and turning for hours. So I guess sleep is a hit or miss depending on baby.

These are a few things I wish people would have shoved down my throat instead of useless info we hear every time someone is pregnant. I'm currently pretending to work so I have to say goodbye for now. Hope this info helps some of you new mommas or future mommas. I constantly had to be asking these personal questions to friends that didn't mind talking about the subjects.

Its been a while since I've updated my blog. Its always on the back of my mind and I begin to write post but never have the time to finish them. Hopefully I can squeeze some time now that I am officially back at work. Maybe next week since I am still trying to get back in the groove of working plus I don't have access to most of my stuff which leads to being away from my desk throughout the day. Even though I am not writing I am keeping up with everyone's blogs for the most part.

There is not one day that I dont think, pray, sob, etc for all my TTC sisters. Even though I have officially crossed over the pain still lingers from my own journey regardless of how much joy my son brings me. Don't ever lose hope even when the odds are against you.



.....hope to write a longer post sooner rather than later.