"What Now"

I've been ignoring this big lump in my throat

I shouldn't be crying, tears were for the weaker days

I'm stronger, now what, so I say

But something's missing

Whatever it is, it feels like

It's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror

Whatever it is, it's just laughing at me

And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can't figure it out

What now? I guess I'll just wait it out

What now? Whoa, what now?

Those lyrics explained how I feel right now. Lately I've been ok with pregnancy, newborn announcements but this one cut deep. I should be elated that they are having their second child after trying for three years and 5 years to have their first. In all honesty I am not. My cousin, who I am really close to, is devastated because he thinks the baby is not his. Why? She hasn't been the most faithful wife. They told everyone she was unfaithful with the same sex, after seeing him drink his sorrows and venting to J we realized it might be more than that. I wish I could slap her and give her a piece of my mind but it wouldn't open her eyes. 

She's the same person who has voiced her opinion about us forcing or going through great lengths to have a child. She's the type to say if ur meant to be a parent you will be. She doesn't believe in God or any sort of believe. If she was given two miracles being an alcoholic, why hasn't God blessed us? He knows we can provide better than she can. I was in such a peaceful place in my faith and life I can't allow this news to crumble me. All I can do is wish them the best and let him know we are here for him if he needs to let some emotion out. 

~For those who asked about my new pups name, I named her Diamond. Even though at times she doesn't look like a pit she is one. ~

Time seems to be slowing down now that I know my stim date. I created a tab for my IVF calendar if you all wanna take a peek. I can't wait to stop taking birth control and say adios to it. Come on October 8th!! I've been in contact with my nurse via email & phone. She's been a trooper with all the request I have been throwing her way. 

I asked her kindly if she can reach out to my insurance in regards to med coverage. When I called they gave me the most generic answer, "it all depends on the pharmacy and brand of meds u get." Ugh! She went through hoops to get all this resolved in a timely manner. I could hear the relieve in her voice when she was done and called me to inform me they will be reaching out to me to ship my meds out. Apparently my insurance wasn't so easy to deal with. They gave her so many numbers and misinformation that it became a bit frustrating. Her exact words were "I am so glad you did not have to deal with this." Poor thing. 

I still don't know if they will be covering meds full, partially, certain percentage. They will give me that information once they call me to confirm shipping. J and I are still praying that it's something we can afford after our unexpected out of pocket expense for surgery. 

Speaking of which: they owe me a refund. Everyone quoted a price before deductible was covered. Since my deductible was met with the facility pmt, everything else was either covered 100% or 80%. 

Anyhoo, I was pretty stoked to see we will have a bit more in our pockets for medication. Yay! Well I'm still in the waiting game. Trying to enjoy my caffeine before I have to say buh bye to it. I can't believe there's 3 months left and another year is over. How time flies!! 

Birth control. I've missed you so much I dreaded on the day you will make an appearance into my life again. Having that week off of birth control was heaven. Now I have been instructed to start them up again and my calendar is in the works. Crossing my fingers they only have me on these shenanigans for 2 weeks this time around. It's only day 2 and my stomach is already hating them. I finally got to see the lovely bill for my hysteroscopy and was impressed. Weird since my insurance didn't pay 100% of the cost since I had a deductible. My insurance got billed for the physician, facility, & anesthesia. I had paid the facility and physician fee on the day before my surgery like they had instructed me to. I was told anesthesia was going to bill me 2 weeks later. I paid a total of $1,564 for facility and physician so I was holding my breath on the anesthesia bill. As I was opening the claim I saw they covered 100% of the anesthesia cost. (Phew!) 

Good news is that my deductible is done with at this point. I reached out to my nurse today to see of they can call my insurance on med coverage bc when I call I have no idea on what meds I would be taking since I never received a calendar at my IVF consultation due to my unexpected surgery to remove my polyps. She said she will have some answers for me tomorrow and assured me they will go with the preferred pharmacy for my insurance to get the most coverage if I have any. In case I don't a dear friend offered her left over IVF meds if I were to use any that she used for her protocol. She's such a sweetheart. 

I'm starting to develop a bittersweet feeling. The fear of this all is accumulating  inside of my emotions, the fear of this not working. The fear that J's concentration levels continue to decrease. I don't know what I would do if they ever told me J's swimmers were...poof! The only major change is that he rides his motorcycle to work now. I need to research if that affects his swimmers. Well a little more waiting. 

To be continued....

I will leave u with a pic of my precious puppy that I got for my bday. 

I have to say getting and IV is the worst. Someone told me it was the worst part of the procedure and I laughed. I guess jokes on me. Right now I feel good, I am not experiencing pain at this point besides my hand that got stabbed for the iv. I'm sure once the pain medication leaves my system I would have to pop a pill. I honestly couldn't see much of a difference between the before n after pics. It was interesting I was just still out of it. He was pleased to say everything went well and I was ready to have babies. Lets just hope that is the case bc this surgery alone took a big chunk out of our savings intended for medication. 

I was instructed to stop my BCP this Sunday. Apparently being on them too long is not recommended. They actually had to change my BCP bc the others made me get a full flow for three or four days. These r still making me spot but its bare able. Now I play the waiting game to get the clearance to move fwd with IVF. 

Whoa! I honestly believed I knew everything there is to know about IVF, until today. My mind is all over the place right now. Ok. Let me rewind back to my actual IVF consult w/ Dr. Brown on Tuesday of last week. 

Before this appointment I was expecting to go in there and get the whole shebang. As far as my protocol, calendar, etc. instead we got a little debrief of what IVF is and what are the clinics procedures. We also briefly discussed our prior IUI and how we agreed to move fwd to IVF if we weren't successful. She thought this was our 100% absolute best option. J's concentration has decrease tremendously since we started treatment.  We both knew it had a lot to do with his drinking and smoking. Of course we didn't mention this to Dr B bc she had already asked him to stop all that. Again we both know he may stop for a couple weeks but get back to it. Dr. B says that they only do IVF w/ ICSI so he doesn't have to work hard at trying to increase his swimmers. I know this doesn't guarantee fertilization but it gives me hope. Since I have irregular cycles she mentioned that I was already at risk for OHSS, Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. This means my cycle is already at risk of possible cancellation. Ugh! Lets just hope that doesn't happen. On Monday, I went in for my mock transfer which in turn I was told I needed a hysteroscopy. Why? Bc my endometrial lining looked bumpy, meaning possible polyps. Yay me!! i have my surgery scheduled for September 4th.  

Although my treatment is being delayed I did have an IVF class to learn about my protocol, medication, injections, etc. I feel so confident about using injections and when the time comes my hand becomes jello. J works nights so I'm solo on this, he is going to try his best to get a schedule change during that time so he can be here. He doesn't want me to go through all this alone besides he can practice so when the intramuscular injections come around he won't be so tough on me. 

As of now a calendar wasn't given to me since my surgery is still pending. Once the surgery is done with I have to wait until my Dr clears me and then I can proceed. Dr B is leaving on maternity leave. She did such a great job hiding it bc I had no idea she was pregnant. What does this mean for me? Well her leave is going to take a toll on out of pocket expenses. She was the only Dr in the clinic that was considered a ObGYn so my insurance covered 90% of the cost even if my deductible wasn't met. Now they won't cover anything until my deductible is met. Even after its met I am responsible for 20% of the cost. I guess it's not so great to plan ahead bc things don't always go ur way. We saved money for medication and the other out of pocket expenses. This unexpected surgery is taking a big chunk from my savings. The nurse assures me that my insurance is covering a big portion of it but I still need to cover my deductible. Not only do I have to a physician fee, I also need to pay a facility fee plus anesthesia fee. As of now I don't even know how much I truly owe them but my gut feeling is telling me its not going to be pretty. 

So here I am playing the waiting game again. It's a never ending game. BCP are not doing my body good. I'm constantly bleeding or spotting. I was instructed to stop them after surgery until my Dr clears me bc I have already been on them way to long. You think??! 

Wow. It's been way to long since I wrote a post. I have to be honest I am having a difficult time keeping up with blogs. My vaca has kept me entertained and now I am back at work trying to catch up. So I truly apologize for being absent. 

Well thee vaca was awesome!!! I was sad to see it end so quickly. There were birthday celebrations, a wedding, and just plain ol going out. I can say I 100% enjoyed it! It's been way to long since I have felt myself. After all this journey takes a toll on all of us. Since I don't have  time to spare I will just give u a brief description of what I did while I was away. 

First we celebrated my birthday!! Well it was a combined celebration for my BIL and moi. To top it off, after 8 years our mothers FINALLY met! Can you believe that? Kind of strange that J and I have been together so long but our parents have never met. Unfortunately, my father was not present but I know the day will come when the opportunity presents itself again. 

I can honestly say I detest alcohol right now. I hardly ever drink when I'm home so while on vaca I said what the hell. I can't bare to see or smell alcoholic beverages now. Which is a good thing, right? On my actual BDAY we went to San Diego to explore. I had a blast! J was so sweet to tag along considering he was the only male. He truly loves me! <3

During the week my MIL host a bible study. She wanted us to be apart of it and so we were. I never imagined she would break down during the study. Her words touched my heart that it was hard not to break down myself. I never knew someone who is already a mother would know exactly what I feel in regards to my infertility. Let me rephrase that...someone who has not experience infertility themselves. I love her to death she has been such a blessing in my life. J's family has accepted me into their family with open warm hearted arms and for that I am grateful. Before the study was over they said a little prayer for us so we can get our miracle baby soon. 

The day before the wedding we decided to go out and indulge in some fun. I wa so grateful it wa the last weekend we were there bc I truly began to detest alcohol at this point. I could not drink any of the nasty beverages that were given to me. All in all it was nice to go out and spend time with the people we loved. 

The following day was my SIL's special day...her LAST CHANCE to run. Lol Jk! I can tell by the look in her eyes that she was truly happy. Everyone danced the night away and I found a corner to fall asleep in at 1am. Haha! My MIL found me and said I should go inside to sleep. That day was full of emotions. I was able to reevaluate my current situation realizing I am 100% happy and I know one day I will be a mother. 

I know I have been slacking on updating my blog lately. Lately I can't seem to wrap my mind around infertility. My heartaches not only for my struggles but for those who have held on to hope time and time again, treatment after treatment just to get the same unbearable news. This week I've had two emotional breakdowns that I cant seem to shake off. Could it be the stupid BCP that I am on? Probably I hate taking those tiny, make me a hormonal bitch pills. To top it off it irks me that I will be on my menstrual flow during my vacay. Thanks to these lovely, awesomeness of pills. Oh well! J says he doesn't notice the difference in my personna. Apparently I am a ball of emotions since my diagnosis. BOO! Infertility you suck!

Anywho, I don't know how long I will be in BC or when I will start stimming. All I know at this point is that Dr. Brown wants to have an IVF consult before we move forward. My appointment is set for the 20th of August, 6 days after my 24th BDAY. Originally my appointment was set for the 15th of August but I will be relishing on my long awaited vacay. A part of me feels guilty. Guilty that I will be starting my new position on the 1st of August then I say goodbye on the 7th returning until the 21st. Yikes! I will be gone almost the whole month. I have no idea what Dr. Brown is going to say SOOO I am in a bit of a predicament trying to predict the future.

As some of you may have read a previous post on my insurance coverage, I actually have an update on that. This past weekend I received a bill from my clinic, I wasn't quite surprise because I always check my claims, when I opened my bill it was like a was smacked across the face with a WTF expression. My first thought was ok well I don't mind paying it then in 2.9 seconds I was like WAIT my insurance already paid my portion using my HRA account. Here I go again phoning up my insurance to see what the heck is going on. Sure enough they had just mailed payment to the clinic and as a matter of fact they just had negotiated the check a couple days after the bill was generated. PHEW! While I was on the phone with them I started questioning some of my claims. I began to notice a difference in billing, depending on what Dr it was billed under my insurance would either pay 0% or 90%. Turns out Dr. Brown is not considered a specialist in their contracts/system, she is registered as a OBGYN/ RE. What does that mean exactly?? Well my friends as long as I see Dr. Brown my insurance will cover 90/10, I am only responsible for 10% of the bill, even if my deductible has not been met. The reason: she is viewed as my primary care physician instead of my specialist. Awesome! I was to excited to ask her to elaborate if this will be deducted from my infertility balance. It might since I remember them doing the same thing with my previous clinic. Insurance have sneeky ways and when you find them its a bittersweet feeling!!

Now I leave you with a lovely painting "my nieces" did. Why the ""? Well we were all bored so we all painted something in that painting. Want to guess what I did?