To be optimistic or not? Coming from a Hispanic background we have a lot of "believes". My family just came back from Mexico and to my surprise I was bombarded with the question, "Are you pregnant?" I was stunned by their precision of being so sure or at least a bit hopeful that I was. Long story short...my aunt, cousin, and my Mother all had dreams on the same night that they were holding a baby. Both my mom and aunt saw a baby boy but my cousin said she saw a baby girl. My mother confessed that it wasn't the first time that she dreamed about this little boy. She said it made her think of when she kept dreaming of this little girl she never had seen in her life...yet she seemed familiar. She had a couple dreams until they went off to visit my brother in California. My sister in law was pregnant and miraculous she did have a baby girl that looks exactly like my brother. With this in mind I started to feel very optimistic and VERY hopeful. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up just yet BUT since I did manage to schedule an RE appointment I feel more relaxed. Especially since my appt will be around the time I ovulate or already ovulated. Either or I just want a diagnosis to get the problem fixed. As for now, I will continue taking my herbs: Vitex & Maca Root & some royal jelly.

After scheduling an appointment with an RE I thought I would be more calm on finally getting the help we need. At first I was (on Friday), then Saturday came around and I was delighted until mid afternoon. Looking back i feel horrible and I wish I could change my actions but all I can do is learn from it and move on. I've always heard that infertility can tear relationships apart. I just honestly never thought it would happen to me. Somewhere down this long journey i made this fantasy that we will overcome this and become stronger. Now I’m starting to question if I’m causing more harm than good, or my sensitivity has increased throughout the years. Is it wrong to feel like your dream is being wash down the drain when you see your significant other drinking? Is it harsh to express yourself when you know that he is just trying to distress himself and have a little fun? Have I just become less fun and cruel because this TTC journey is taking a toll on me? So many questions that I cant answer. I wish I could just be a rational person and tell myself that we are doing the right thing to get help and we will soon know what the issue is.

After arguing with DH and ruining his Saturday night I felt horrible. The next day we tried to avoid each other, NOT because we were still mad with one another but we tend to give each other space to think over what happened and be in a more rational place. No words were spoken, it took one look for him to just hold me and comfort me. As if he was trying to tell me I understand what your going through. I don't know if this outburst was because my new cycle had started that same day that it got me depress or I've piled it up so much that I took it out on him. We both agree that after we see the RE we were going to give it our 100% and if it doesn’t happen we will move on and continue with our life’s. I really hope I can find the tranquility during this journey of trying to start our family.

After hours and days of contemplating if I should begin my own blog I finally came to the conclusion that it wasn’t IF I wanted to, it was the fact that I needed to. It is time to speak, or in this case, write out what I am feeling inside. I can’t keep bottling up my emotions because I feel like no one understands what I am going through. Yes my family and some friends are aware of our current struggle on trying to conceive. BUT that alone doesn’t stop them from always asking “Are you pregnant yet?” “Time is ticking, when are you guys going to begin having kids?” “Don’t you want kids?” etc. Um… HELLO! If we happen to mention that we are ready to start our family, hence, we are trying. Do I choose to be open about my current situation? I can honestly say no. I don’t feel comfortable talking to people that keep telling me that it will happen when we least expect it. I am not a very direct person, well, not with most people. But I should sarcastically ask them so from your expert opinion what do you think happened in the last four years? I mean we weren’t trying but we surely did not use any protection.

Sorry I just had to vent a little.

My birthday just passed two days ago and it made me realize that my life is slowly developing into something wonderful. DH and I had a lovely conversation during my birthday dinner and we stared at each other and said, "You know what? Although we haven't been able to have kids I like how our life has turned out to be." We both realize that we are High School Sweethearts that stayed together through the bumps on the road NOT because we had kids but b/c our love for one another has grown each day. We are in a good place, better than most people we graduated with. And I can smile and say when God wants to give us our bundle of joy(s); we would be more than ready!

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller