Do I want to scream at the top of my lungs? No. Do I want to cry my heart out and hide from everyone in this world? YES! For two months now I have been waiting for my IF treatment. Only to find out I have to wait till 2013 because they failed to tell me I needed to do other testing before I even start on medication. ='( I remember the day I called the RE's office letting them know I couldn't do an IUI until the ends of November or beginning of December. One of the nurses told me that was fine whenever I was ready just to give them a call. I asked if I needed to get anything done in the meantime and she said no, they will let me know once treatment is being started.

When I received a call from the nurse telling me that I needed to wait until next cycle to start on medication, I was speechless. I wanted to go home and just go under the covers and fall asleep. I wanted DH to hold me so I can forget about everything. Some people might think I am crazy because its one more cycle I have to wait. Anyone who has had trouble TTC knows a cycle can last a lifetime! Especially if other people around you are talking about their kids or maybe trying for a new one soon. Its like an effin race!! I am the only daughter out of 4 kids. My older brother has a little girl, 2 going on 3, my younger brother got his gf pregnant around the same time my older brother and his fiance found out they were expecting. Unfortunately, my younger brother's gf at the time lost the baby. I never knew the girl because I didn't live in Texas at the time but what I heard she lost the baby because she was on drugs. Which brings me back to...WTF does a girl who does drugs get to be FERTILE but not ME! It's been really hard seeing everyone in my generation have their kids and I'm the one being left out. I get the constant reminder from family when they ask when will they be able to have a baby shower for me. To top it off, since my brother is officially getting married in April of 2013, my SIL told me she wants another baby. That maybe after the wedding they were going to start trying again. With this cycle out I feel like I have 4 months to get pregnant or deal with the heartbreak that I will never be a mother.

I am feeling all kinds of emotions right now. I don't want to become bitter because people are having kids left and right and my dream is still in the works. Starting 2013 I will do things differently. I will not put so much focus on TTC and start putting time and efficiency in what I love to do. I talked to DH about my pipe dreams and he said he supported me 100% if that is what I wanted to do. So 2013 I am cautiously waiting for you to arrive. My aunt & I made a deal to complete everything in our resolutions list for 2013 or we will have to cut off our hair. LOL! Not all of it but a pixie cut. We both have long hair so we agreed that it would motivate us to complete our list and check it twice before 2014 comes around. Let the challenge begin!! I will post my Resolutions list later on for you to see.

My new cycle is finally here as I was impatiently waiting for. Now I wish it was not here because it feels like a cycle wasted. I do not know what to think of my RE's nurses right now. They seem extremely helpful when they want to and other times I feel like I am being shut out. They talk to me like I am well aware of what I am suppose to be doing and when...but then again it always feels like I have to be on their ass to tell me whats next. ITS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE THAT! UGH! The little folder that was given to me with the pricing and plan was sitting in my drawer for such a long time that I forgot about it. Once I pulled it because I knew THIS was the month, all the steps it has in there are not even followed my the nurses. I was told not to worry about whats on the paper they will walk me through it and make sure everything gets done. Well I am on cycle day 5 and I still havent gotten a baseline sonogram or even gotten perscribe anything.

I went on a mission to go to the appointment yesterday and make it back to work. All they did was take bloodwork for E2 & FSH. Once I was done they told me they will call me with the results and if my insurance didnt cover the HSG then they can refer me elsewhere. As I struggled to find a place to have the HSG, I notice its already going to be 3 pm. No phone call. Hmmm...strange. Now past 3:30pm (office is now closed)...ok maybe I will get a call tomorrow morning. I come in to work obssesed to see the results on their site so I can google the results. Everything looks normal and the RN sent me a message stating everything is normal if I had questions to please call them. (Scratching my head) Really?! Aren't you suppose to call and give me my next step. Cause I vaguely recall the doctor telling me an RN will instruct me on when to take my medication. But what medication I wasnt perscribe one. I am tired of this journey that feels like it has just begun. All my hormones came back fine...like last time. So why is it that I have polycystic ovaries...why can't I just conceive already and not wait on some random nurse to tell me what to do.

Now I wonder if I should let this cycle go and next month start all over. Maybe its the holidays that is driving the crazy with so many people in such a period of time. When I was there yesterday around 8:50am, there was more than enough patients there. GUESS WHAT??!! I looked like the youngest one there, which explains all the stares. It was the most uncomfortable feeling ever that I pretended to use my phone.

(Taking a deep breath)

Ok. Now that I have vented a bit. I can move on and go with the flow and see what happens. DH isnt very thrilled with whats going on. HAHA! He keeps telling me to call and tell them they are messing up the flow and he doesn't like it. Its kinda cute to see him get all worked up. Seems so strange that 2012 flew by and 2013 is almost here. Now that I see that our treatment isnt working out on how I planned, I want to tell DH that he can go to California for the holidays to see his family. He decided on not going because his presence was required. In 2011 we went to California at least 3 or 4 times. In 2012 = NONE. I know he is homesick and he will never get tired of saying he doesn't like Texas, HECK! I sometimes get homesick. This is truly something I need to sit down and talk to him about. Maybe seeing his family is what he needs.

Well I got to admit that my days have been going so slow lately. I begin to wonder if I am just impatient now a days. Could that be or am I just impatiently waiting on our IF treatment? Whatever it is...it's all I seem to think about.

With the holidays approaching I want to surround myself with beautiful decorations. Unfortunately, this year its going to be impossible. I will have to compromise with the decorations I currently have. DH's job is cutting back his hours and it scares me that we wont be able to make it. He doesn't seem to worry but then again he doesn't see what I see in our list of bills. I feel horrible that I am so BITCHY lately. One worry leads to another and it gets me so worked up that stress builds up inside of me. Just the thought of my body being so stressed out during treatment makes me want to cry. (Silently thinking).


Yesterday...I was driving home and traffic is always a pain @ 5 o'clock. We come to a complete stop and BOOM someone slams into the back of the truck. I thought slow-mo only happened in movies bc they want you to see the impact. That's not the case, I felt my body and everything inside the truck just slowly move forward and then hit and make a horrible sound. I immediately begin to sob like a child. I froze and didn't know how to react...my body was shaking and tears started flowing down my cheeks. It was like my body was reacting before my brain could. It took me a while to get off the vehicle. I immediately called DH asking him what I should do. While I was sobbing uncontrollably a light bulb turned on and I hung up and called my insurance. (Keep in mind I was still crying) J picked up right away and I couldn't even speak in a comprehendingly way. She was so sweet did not inturrupt me at all and told me what to do. This part got me laughing afterwards...before she hung up she says, "I'm sorry sweetie, you were crying and I couldn't even ask what your last name was so I can pull up your vehicle info." It gave me a good chuckle and brought me back to reality so I became aware of my surroundings. She is right to say I have something to be very thankful for this thankgiving. I am ALIVE and it wasn't as bad as it felt.

As much as I complain for driving DH's truck to work, I am thankful that I wasn't in my compact car. I think it would have been so much worst. Four day weekend I am ready for you to come sweep me off my delicate feet!!

On a positive note...it seems like most of my cyber buddies are getting their BFP. Wish you all the best and a healthy 9 months. Don't let worry take over your happiness, remember think happy thoughts so you can send good vibes to you and the baby.

Sorry for being MIA but there's really nothing to update on. Last week on Thursday I went into my RE's office to get the Rubella vaccine. It was a long day...I had to go in and do a HCG test to confirm I wasnt pregnant, run to a hospitals pharmacy down the street and pick up the vaccine, wait for the nurse's call to let me know I can go in and get the vaccine. I patiently sat there reading a book on my Kindle Fire and about an hour later she calls. (An hour in total while I was running the errands so it felt like less). I got the vaccine and ran to CVS to drop off my prescription for BC.

They were extremely busy and I didnt want to wait 2 hours, so I left and the following day I picked it up. Now I remember why I only took BC for a month when I was a teenager. My body does not mesh well with BC hormones...the only reason I agreed to take it is because it will make my cycle exactly 28 days and we can start our first IUI sooner! We wont have to worry about going in during the holidays so it fits perfectly. Counting the days till my next cycle!! Everything seems to be falling into place. My internship will end 3 days before my new cycle and I will get out earlier. I asked for some days off and they got approved but I dont know if those days are the ones I need, I just took a guess. Crossing my fingers that they are. My manager processed the paperwork for me to get approval to miss work for my treatment whenever I needed to...so I am just waiting on the paperwork.

Although I am excited I am also a bit worried. Who wants to have a failed IUI during the holidays? Knowning that our first IUI has a 50/50 chance of not being succesful scares me. I dont want to be depress during the holidays. DH and I already discussed holding off on telling anyone if it happens because I dont want to go through the turnmoil of telling everyone if it wasnt a sticky bean. I am even considering not to tell my MOTHER! She has been a great support during this journey. She is the only one in my family that knows I went to an RE and the results. Dh's family has no idea what is going on. I feel like since he has mostly sisters and they all have kids they wouldnt understand. My MIL and I have only touched the subject on us TTC and she didnt seem supportive. Once I opened up to everyone in his family about our struggles on TTC she seemed a bit more into the idea. But I cant say 100% cause I havent touched the subject with her again. Maybe after having so many grandson and granddaughters you lose interest in it? Is that possible? IDK if I have mentioned it before but DH has a total of 16 nieces/nephews. The youngest one was just born, in October 13th, I believe. Beautiful baby girl! I am truly happy for his sister, BUT, there's always a BUT...I wish that was me!!