No IUI for 2012

Do I want to scream at the top of my lungs? No. Do I want to cry my heart out and hide from everyone in this world? YES! For two months now I have been waiting for my IF treatment. Only to find out I have to wait till 2013 because they failed to tell me I needed to do other testing before I even start on medication. ='( I remember the day I called the RE's office letting them know I couldn't do an IUI until the ends of November or beginning of December. One of the nurses told me that was fine whenever I was ready just to give them a call. I asked if I needed to get anything done in the meantime and she said no, they will let me know once treatment is being started.

When I received a call from the nurse telling me that I needed to wait until next cycle to start on medication, I was speechless. I wanted to go home and just go under the covers and fall asleep. I wanted DH to hold me so I can forget about everything. Some people might think I am crazy because its one more cycle I have to wait. Anyone who has had trouble TTC knows a cycle can last a lifetime! Especially if other people around you are talking about their kids or maybe trying for a new one soon. Its like an effin race!! I am the only daughter out of 4 kids. My older brother has a little girl, 2 going on 3, my younger brother got his gf pregnant around the same time my older brother and his fiance found out they were expecting. Unfortunately, my younger brother's gf at the time lost the baby. I never knew the girl because I didn't live in Texas at the time but what I heard she lost the baby because she was on drugs. Which brings me back to...WTF does a girl who does drugs get to be FERTILE but not ME! It's been really hard seeing everyone in my generation have their kids and I'm the one being left out. I get the constant reminder from family when they ask when will they be able to have a baby shower for me. To top it off, since my brother is officially getting married in April of 2013, my SIL told me she wants another baby. That maybe after the wedding they were going to start trying again. With this cycle out I feel like I have 4 months to get pregnant or deal with the heartbreak that I will never be a mother.

I am feeling all kinds of emotions right now. I don't want to become bitter because people are having kids left and right and my dream is still in the works. Starting 2013 I will do things differently. I will not put so much focus on TTC and start putting time and efficiency in what I love to do. I talked to DH about my pipe dreams and he said he supported me 100% if that is what I wanted to do. So 2013 I am cautiously waiting for you to arrive. My aunt & I made a deal to complete everything in our resolutions list for 2013 or we will have to cut off our hair. LOL! Not all of it but a pixie cut. We both have long hair so we agreed that it would motivate us to complete our list and check it twice before 2014 comes around. Let the challenge begin!! I will post my Resolutions list later on for you to see.