Birthday celebrations during fertile window...

Can get a bit complicated.
Should you go out have fun and worry less that the deed is probably not going to get done.
Just like I suspected...I wasn't out of my funk to have that excitement for J's bday. On friday he called me to get ready because he wanted to go out. After much debate of getting out of it I finally managed to get out of bed. I wanted to do this for him. I wanted to show him I am still here, sowhere deep down inside. Once we left our home to meet with everyone a part of me felt like it was struggling to keep up with the fake smile. Maybe 10 minutes past when I told J I was going home. I couldnt do this, he deserved more than anything to enjoy his weekend and not have to deal with an emotional wreck.

He wasnt please that those words came out of my mouth. He couldn't understand why I was doing this to him. Frankly, I couldn't either. That little argument made me feel like I was the worst wife in the world. It was his bday weekend and all I could think of is "Great I am ovulating and theres no baby dance involved." Selfish, much? Luckily, people walked out and interrupted our not so "private" conversation. I told him I would make the effort and so I did. During the night he noticed I was truly trying. Of course he said he appreciated it. In reality the reason I could not bring myself to enjoy the event was for one reason only. Unappreciative mothers. I can't seem to wrap my mind around these women who don't appreciate what they have.

Once the sun was up J and I spoke about how I was feeling. He basically told me I need to stop worrying so much about how other people raise or don't raise their kids. If they want to appreciate them or not its not our business. Sure sometimes its hard to watch parents consume themselves in drugs, alcohol, etc. but ultimately there's nothing we can do. If we choose to speak up they take it as an offense and say things like "you have no right on telling me how to raise my kid(s) when ur not a parent." Do these people actually see their kids as just a paycheck at the end of the year?

Surprisingly after our convo I felt like celebrating. Seeing J have a good time made me feel elated. BUT seeing him open his presents was quite priceless. He reminded me of a little kid getting new toys. The weekend before his bday we went walking around the mall. Sneaky as he is I knew this was his plan to show me what he wanted. I bought him Oakley shades and a couple of t-shirts. J doesn't make the effort to buy new clothing unless I buy them or I push him to buy some while were shopping. I dont know if its a guy thing or he just doesnt like shopping.

I was hesitating on writing this post because I truly felt as if I was a horrible wife. I still think I was being extremely selfish. He has reassured me a million times that if we dont get our miracle baby he will always love me. A part of me feels like once he is older and everyone around him has kids he would develop resentment towards me. Its probably my mind playing tricks on me but just the thought scares me.

On Monday I was sitting in my living room watching TV when I got a text from my cousin. He sent me the following link
. I found it quite interesting. Sure there's a lot of apps that help you pin point ovulation but what I found amazing was the fact that they actually work with fertility clinics to send the info you have inputted. If pregnancy is not achieved within 10 months then they split the money they have earned/saved between couples to go get checked out or start treatment. This man has donated 1 million to start the saving funds. What I found amazing by it is that he has never experienced infertility but his co-workers have so they wanted to create something that will show insurance companies that this in fact is a medical problem. Maybe this will open new doors on covering infertility. Definitely a great start.
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  1. It must be a guy thing because my DH is the same way, won't buy anything unless I insist or buy it for him. It's hard to put our feelings aside for these events but it sounds like you did the right thing in the end :)

  2. I'm glad you ended up having a good time that night! Thinking of you!!

  3. You are a great wife. We've all had our moments. Have you read the book Conception Chronicles? If not you must read it. There is a hilarious chapter in there called "Angry Ovulators" which talks about how angry the infertile woman can become when she's ovulating but not getting her baby dancing in a timely manner! Seriously, it is so funny I was falling outta my chair....the whole book is.

    Anyhoo, you did the right thing by enjoying yourself, despite having your mind on other things. I'm sure he saw that and I know any husband would appreciate the effort. No one is perfect. I'm sure there are a lot worse things out there than just being focused on babymaking!

  4. I'm glad you were able to celebrate a little! You shouldn't feel like a bad wife, I'm sure we've all had moments like that. Not being able to BD when you know you need to is super frustrating, as is TTC in general.

    That app seems really interesting! If I still had cycles I'd definitely look into joining it. And if they had an Android version.

    I nominated you for a blogging award!

  5. I'm so glad that you were able to end up enjoying yourself that night. I love your DH's approach to shopping :) Mine doesn't buy anything for himself, his mom still buys all of his clothes lol. That sounds really weird, but it works for them :)

  6. You're not a bad wife. I've been in your shoes many times and it is so hard to see people not appreciate their beautiful babies. Glad it ended up good in the end. And thanks for being vulnerable in your posts.