The emotion that never ends...

Things don't get easier after you get the news that you are expecting. Yes, this amazing feeling goes through your body/heart. Although in the back of your mind you are constantly thinking if things will pan out as they should. This worry never truly goes away, I've been told. Even though I knew there was a possibility that things could go wrong...I allowed myself to get overly excited. 

I wish I could tell myself that things will turn out fine...but I can't. I need to be realistic with myself and prepare myself for the worst. I thought my first ultrasound will be the happiest day of my life. First of all the day started of badly. The weather made it impossible for me to even get to the clinic. I called to cancel my appointment and they asked if I could come in later in the day. I agreed to it. J wasn't pleased because the night before he crashed into the middle divider on the freeway because of this crazy weather. It took me 2 hours to get to the clinic. When I got there I was nervous that something was wrong. Sure enough when they did the ultrasound my baby isn't developing as it should. I was devastated. The Dr didn't have any bed side manners and didn't ease my mind at all. He isn't my usual Dr but since the weather threw everyone's appts off I had no choice. Immediately after the ultrasound he told me he doesn't recommend announcing that I'm pregnant. I was a long way from being out of the woods. He then proceeded to ask if I'm experiencing cramping or bleeding. When I said no he asked if I was getting any M/S symptoms. In reality I'm not just bouts of nausea or dizziness. It's not constant and it's always at the same time when I do experience it. Now my symptoms are completely gone. He left the room an my nurse saw the worry in my face. She offered to let me come back next week instead of waiting two weeks. I thanked her and said I will think about it. My baby wasn't even worthy of an ultrasound pic. This made me sad, I don't know how I held it together until I got home from work. This isn't fair. I had my pity party while J was at work and then got over it. It is what it is. Yes there's hope because he didn't say I was probably going to miscarry he just simply said things were in the right place but still small. No fetal pole, no heart beat, just a lonely sac. I refuse to allow myself to ask why because I truly believe things happen a certain way for a reason. I believe in Gods will and if he wants this baby to survive then it's in his hands. I will not blame or ask why. I will try my best to relax and believe things will be alright.