I was devastated when I miscarried a week before a wedding we had to attend in California. My mind was going in circles thinking how they're going to get pregnant before us, etc. Once we were there in took me a day to wrap my head around everything. Then I was able to enjoy our getaway. Before we left on Thursday I received this email and it changed my perspective.

Everything happens for a reason. We may not understand the reason behind the why but I have faith he has a plan for us.

The wedding ended up being a blast. I was elated that my best friend in HS was marrying the love of her life. J and the groom were next door neighbors throughout their childhood, so their wedding was special to both of us. Although I dislike when people ask about having kids I dared to ask it myself. Which led to a very long/emotional conversation. I advised her against waiting so long to start having their first kid. I actually encouraged her to start trying. With tears in her eyes and a few hug exchanges she expressed her sadness for our losses. Of course she still wants to be able to travel and enjoy her marriage a bit but said she might consider not waiting for as long as she wants to. 

A few other HS friends I had personal conversations with also expressed their sadness. One even admitted she hasn't been able to conceive since her miscarriage back in HS. I saw the worry in her face and it broke my heart. I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to vent my feelings without these ladies dismissing my pain. 

On Thursday I will be going in for blood work to check my hcg levels. Personally I think they're probably at 0 or close to. I stopped bleeding on Saturday and have occasional spotting. My only concern is that I either have a UTI or infection. Fx that it isn't anything major.

I woke up bleeding again...I wasn't going to wait until Wednesday afternoon to confirm what I already knew. I text my nurse to make her aware and I wanted to go in today because we were going out of town this weekend. I didn't want to be in a the midst of a miscarriage while I was at a wedding. She agreed so we can get it oger with. My Dr called earlier than last time to confirm this was not a viable pregnancy.  I can't say I was surprised by the news. Her reaction was extremely shocking...she was the one in disbelief of what was going on. It boggles her mind to see a perfectly good ultrasound only to get contradicting results.

At this point they think it's my body rejecting the embryos. My levels were more than doubling,  which she was ecstatic about, then two days later my body just decided to terminate the pregnancy. I was at the mall shopping for my wedding attire only to be scarred for life. I will never forget my trip to the restroom that day. J didn't believe me when I told him i was bleeding.  He laughed a little and told me to stop playing games. When he saw me on the phone calling my nurse his face expression completely changed. Tears started flowing down my face and we headed home. By his reaction and constant questioning I figured he was in shock. Denial perhaps but then again so was I.

Dr B & A had a discussion before she called me. They both agreed that although my first loss was due to chromosomal abnormality I need a recurrent pregnancy loss panel. My first thought was Lupus because my aunt has it. Before I did the transfer she insisted I get tested for Lupus given that I am vitamin D deficient. Regardless of the results my Dr wants me on Lovenox for our next cycle.  She prefers us not to take a break and just jump right into another cycle. We also agreed to transfer one embryo this time around. We had two different perspectives as to why. Considering we only have three embryos left she doesn't want to lose more than one if I were to miscarry again. Personally I agreed to one solely for the reason that my body can't hold a pregnancy in the first place why risk my body going haywire and it's unable to support twins. A healthy pregnancy is my goal right now. Getting pregnant is not the problem (via IVF) it's staying pregnant. As long as my polyps don't come back then we still have a fighting chance.

Strangely when I started bleeding J and I discussed adoption. (J has never been on board with adoption, his perspective had always been "if I can't have my own biological child then I rather be childless.") When I brought it up I expected the same cut throat comment to end the subject...instead his response was "If that's what God wants then that's what we will do."  My jaw dropped then I realized he was grieving the loss of this pregnancy. We didn't discuss this in detail but we agreed that it's something we will start saving for if that is where our path is leading us.

I am grateful that my mother was aware of this pregnancy. Having her support means the world to me. Even if she doesn't fully comprehend what's happening. I know she wishes she can do something to heal my pain. Thank you all for your loving comments and support. I know all three of our angels are in a better place.

After excessively bleeding all Saturday with clots I finally went in for blood work today.  The bleeding slowed down but it hasn't vanished. They did a beta and progesterone level test. We were about to leave when my Dr stopped me. She said she could do another ultrasound but warned me there probably wasn't much to see since I'm only 5 weeks. Ultrasound showed 2 tiny sacs and a lining of 8. The Dr didn't have an explanation as to why I'm bleeding. She gave us a bit of hope  before we left but when the call never came I knew it was bad news. At exactly 3:43 my Dr called, my heart dropped, I knew then it wasn't good news. She said my levels went for 2914 (Thursdays results) to 1509. She was a bit confused given that the ultrasound showed otherwise. The only good thing is that my P levels went from 7 to 28. I think i had something to do with it though. I was so desperate for the bleeding to stop that I took progesterone orally. If that's what caused it to go up then this pregnancy is over. Or my body is finally recognizing the pregnancy and we can hold on to hope. Lastly it could also be a vanishing twin.

We should know more by Wednesday afternoon. If my hcg levels rise then we may have a miracle baby or it could also mean we will be preparing for a miscarriage. Please send a prayer our way.

It's over...not even when your numbers more than double does it mean everything is progressing as it should. I didn't even make it to my first ultrasound when this pregnancy was taken from me.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was feeling excited about this FET. So just like our first FET I ordered little baby items on amazon. I didn't place the order until the day of our transfer because i also wanted to order pregnancy test and didn't want the temptation to test early. The package arrived on Wednesday and I cried when I opened it. I bought onesies for when I tell my parents. 

I also decided to buy some books and a little outfit. 

Of course in this same package were the HPT. I started getting anxiety looking at them because I had no symptoms at all. The ones I did have I wrote them off as progesterone side effects. I told myself I would test when I was ready to handle whatever came my way. 

That same night I had the strangest dream ever.  I was at my clinic in a room with 2 other women. None of us have had a beta at that point. (Well I hadn't lol idk about them) but here we were in a small little room with my Dr doing an ultrasound. Weirder thing was that she didn't want us looking at the screen. She told us she was just doing it for her own viewing and didn't want us to worry. For some strange reason I saw the reflection of the screen and was able to see two beautiful sacs. I smiled and she knew I was able to see. (Yes I know it's physically impossible to be able to see anything that early on). Then I woke up and got the courage to test. 

I peed on the stick placed it beside me and didn't even wait 3 mins when I wrote it off as a BFN. I went to bed, or tried, almost crying. Asking why? Not the month my baby was due.  A couple hours later I woke up only to see two lines on the test. I was in shock and I immediately took a pic and sent it two to lovely ladies that have held my hand through this journey. They both assured me it wasn't an evap. I still had my guard up because I didn't see it turn +. I decided to hold my excitement in until I tested again the next morning. To my surprise there it was a bit darker. 

 

I tested again at 8dp5dt and saw an immediate dark line. My Dr wanted me to wait until 10dp5dt for my beta. She didn't want me worrying if my #s came back on the low side. Today's beta confirmed I am "indeed very pregnant", in my nurse's words. Beta came back at 824. I have to go back Thursday to check my levels again.

When I shared the news with my dearest friend, she sent me this. I thought it was the cutest thing.

I'm still remaining cautious considering what happened last time. I want to enjoy this as much as I can but sometimes it can be difficult. During the weekend I tried my best to relax. It was a challenge to avoid drinking without people questioning why I wasn't drinking. Overall I had fun enjoying the view of the waves.

South Padre Island, Tx

This time around  shared the news with my mother the day before beta.  I asked her to keep it a secret considering what happened last time and she agreed. Praying that everything works out this time around.

This month brings a lot of mixed emotions. From excitement to sadness. I should have been, or close to, holding our son in my arms. On Friday I watched "Heaven is for real" and it made me wonder,  miss our little boy. I know he's in a better place looking down on us. Time has healed but not entirely. This month will always be a hard month for me. Baby know that I will always keep you dear to my heart.

I've managed to remain optimistic throughout our FET cycle. I recall feeling bleh! during FET#2, as if I knew it wasn't going to work. With this cycle I've felt excitement all over again. Up until today...It's hard to refrain from negative thoughts. Here I am 3dp5dt thinking what if this doesn't work? Would I be able to move forward with another cycle? Should I take a break? I'm trying to stay positive and push all these negative thoughts out of my mind.

Friday was transfer day. It was an exciting day for us. I wanted every moment to be captured! Something in my heart told me this was it I had to create memories. And that's exactly what we did. 

I was able to record the transfer on my phone with the Drs permission of course. I'm telling you I was excited and something told me I needed to do this to show my future how they came to be.

That day I took it easy for the rest of the day. The following day we left to Dallas in the afternoon.  I was surprisingly calm until we hit traffic due to rain. We managed to make it to Dallas in 5 hours. Ugh! The rest of the night I was able to relax. 

Then the day we have been waiting for had arrived!! First day of football season!! 

First of all, I did not expect to see the Cowboys stadium be taken over by 49er fans. Wow! 

Look at that RED! Such a great start to the season. I'm sure I don't have to remind anyone that the Cowboys had an embarrassing loss. Here's hoping we have a victory ending to our FET cycle as well. 

Labor day weekend started on a good note. Saturday morning we had our lining check appointment.  Dr. B was ecstatic with my lining. It measured 10mm, I have never had a lining that thick. It was always around 7 or near 8 mm in the past. She was so excited that she gave us a high five. Then I asked her what her thoughts were about us traveling to Dallas the day after transfer for Sundays game. She gave her blessing then J and Dr B began to talk fantasy football. Let's just say J & I are on the same page that Dr B was meant to be a part of our infertility journey.

Later that day we headed to a friend's house so J can pick his players for Fantasy Football. It was a nice get together with lots of food insight. Yes I ate unhealthy food all weekend. Ashamed but I couldn't help it. My sis in law of course took my niece and a friend took her 9 month old. I felt awkward because every women there was a mother. We were all in the living room hanging out when A puts her 9 month old on my lap. The little girl was misbehaving so she apparently thought it was a good idea to hand her over to me. At first I was shocked that she wouldn't even ask. But to be honest we ended up hitting it off. I spend most of the time playing with her. When she was leaving A asked her to say bye to me and she embrace me with a hug and kiss.

Afterwards I spend some time with my niece. Big difference between a 2 month and 9 month old. Regardless I made her smile a couple times.

Sunday we had family come down from Dallas and Austin.  Family time is always fun. I again pigged out. 

Hahaha! This picture cracks me up. My aunt and my SIL grandmother.  

Friday is almost here and as it gets closer I am getting extremely excited. This is the first time around I told my mom the exact date of our transfer. I asked her to be discrete about it just for the sake of our privacy. She agreed and has done such a great job not saying a word to anyone besides my dad. This was such a relief because I dislike keeping things from her.