The Messenger

Infertility has a way of changing your life in every aspect. Your perspective starts to shift dramatically. On occasions you start to become resentful, bitter, jealous, etc. It makes you go through so many mood swings that you start believing this is the new you. Maybe I'm speaking for myself and you never went through these motions.

My parents have always raised us to be religious. As I got older my faith became less evident. It seemed as if I tucked it in my heart somewhere and wouldn't pull it out unless I needed something. Once we were labeled infertile, or I simply realized I wasn't getting pregnant at my age, my faith started declining tremendously.  It felt mildly strange since I was raised to have faith but here I was struggling to find it in my situation. When I started blogging I quickly found blogs that talked about faith & hope. With every post I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Little did I know that I would seek God more than ever.

My journey as you can see hasn't been rainbows and roses. We've been on a roller coaster of a journey to get to where we are. Even now we are still not out of the woods. With every day, hour, minute that passes by I give him thanks for allowing me to be here. If you have been following along then you know this pregnancy hasn't been easy breezy. My first trimester was, in my opinion, scary and uncertain. After experiencing losses it was harder for me to fully accept that things would progress as they should. Due to unexplained bleeding my doctor and I decided it was best for me to go on leave from work to reduce my stress level. Once I was almost out of the first trimester I was able to return back to work without worry.

During my leave I reminded myself that my son was the seed he promised me after my second miscarriage. Even though I continuously prayed I searched for a response from him. Don't we all? Little did I know he had plans to answer me in his own way. 

At work I tend to be an introvert. Not purposely I suppose but out of habit to keep people from knowing too much. I've never been secretive about our struggle conceiving BUT I also don't go around telling everyone at work. So when my co-worker started a conversation with me I confessed I was pregnant. She's not someone I usually talk to or have had a relationship with. I found it extremely odd that she made the effort to stir up a conversation with me. She offered her maternity clothes to me and told me to take care of myself. During our mini conversation I did confess why I was on leave. This conversation happened last week on Friday, I believe? Any who, today I kindly asked her about her old maternity clothes if the offer was still open. Once things were said and done she confessed she had a message for me. God has been pushing her to give me this message since the day I came back from leave but she was hesitant to tell me due to not knowing if I had faith. Apparently she didn't want me to feel weird if I wasn't. She told me I would know instantly what it meant. My heart sank when I heard the message she had to give me. If I wasn't at work I probably would have started crying. The message was relayed to me in Spanish so I will translate it the best I can. 

"Dios dice que no temas y ten fe que todo va estar bien. Confia en el y pon todo en sus manos. Acercate mas a el y pide con todo el corazon el escucha." 

"God says not to fear have faith everything will be ok. Trust in him and leave everything in his hands. Seek him he is listening and ask that you pray with all your heart." 

Why has this message spoken a thousand words to me? I'm out of the first trimester. My pregnancy seems to be progressing as it should is it not? Yes, yes it has and I am truly grateful for that. So what's the deal? After extensive blood work my MFM has decided to discontinue my lovenox. She strongly disagrees that I should be on it for the rest of my pregnancy. My OB also agrees I should discontinue it. I expressed my concerns numerous times with no avail. My MFM assured me baby and I would be monitored closely. If she were to see a change in his growth or my blood flow then she will put me back on it. My OB says there's a possibility I would be back on it during the third trimester. This situation had me quite nervous that I refused to stop it until I saw/spoke to my OB. Once I did he was better at calming me down and giving me the courage to stop it. During this time I was feeling my little man move occasionally. Every time I needed a reassurance I would lay in bed, rub my belly asking him to please give mommy a peace of mind. It never fails that he truly listens to me and starts showing me he is still doing well. Although his movement isn't consistent or strong enough I know he is there. Which always puts a smile on my face.  

You may be wondering why I am writing this post. My reasons are to let you all know God is there even if you can't see, feel, hear him. He is always looking for ways to show you he is there you just have to listen. He did not only give me a peace of mind but he also gave me a new friend. Someone who I can turn to when I am feeling uncertain. For that I am grateful!