Lately I've been in this bad funk that I can't seem to get out of. J always reminds me that there is no "I" in "WE". I shouldn't be saying things like "I can't have kids", "I'll never be a mother" because it does not only affect me its also affecting him.

Last week at work a customer had talked to me about astrology and how she strongly believed in it. She asked about J and I's zodiac sign...we then had a good laugh about it. Then during the weekend we all had a conversation about zodiac compatibility. I of course had already read J and I's compatibility years ago. Of course we are very different but what he lacks I give him and vise versa. In our little weird case, opposites do attract! Its very difficult for me to get out of my shell sometimes. J, on the other hand, is extremely social. When I do step out of that shell people are amazed by it. Its like if they just met me for the first time. Or the person they have known for years finally resurfaced. As the weekend was coming to an end I became curious as to what my horoscope was for the day. To my surprise this is what it said:

It is time to break a rule. It is time to push beyond a boundary. It is time to let go of the reins and let life take you to a destination that has been waiting for you for all of your life. You have restricted yourself with a certain dream. You have held yourself back out of a sense of propriety perhaps. Or maybe you have a fixed and rigid idea of how things should go. But you need to let go of all preconceived ideas. You need to blaze a trail. It will require you to step out of your comfort zone, but it will lead you to a beautiful new beginning.

Have I really restrained myself from living life because I am so fixated on how my life should be?

Possibly.

Has infertility sucked the fun out of me?

Maybe.

As the social bird J is...I feel like somehow I have sucked the fun out of him too. He sometimes admits he doesn't make plans to go to places he thinks I won't enjoy. OUCH! He understand 100% that this journey has changed me in a tremendous way but doesn't want me to lose touch with who I really am.

I need to stop focusing so much on TTC and just enjoy my time with J. He deserves to have his wife back. Atleast for his bday weekend. I want to make it special to remind him that the person he fell in love with is still here.

But you need to let go of all preconceived ideas.

That is exactly what I am going to do.

Lets see...I went in on Monday and today is Friday.

HMMM.

Still no call about my blood work.

Called in on Tuesday, only for nurse to tell me that Dr. B put in my chart that she will be giving me a call on Thursday so she can go over the results. Ofcourse she would be happy to provide those to me but they hadnt gotten them back yet. UGH! No call whatsoever. Oh no wait!!! I did get a call from them yesterday but it wasnt about my results it was about my insurance for the 5th million time!!

I love this clinic but their billing coordinators are ridiculous. How many times do I have to tell them how my insurance works?? Seriously? I tell you one thing and then you call me back stating something totally different. Of course my insurance is going to give you the incorrect information if your asking about something COMPLETELY different than what I had said. Funny thing about all this is that they already billed my insurance. They paid. I paid. So why are u still calling me about me being responsible for xxx amount. I dont understand what the issue is. My insurance card clearly states DO NOT COLLECT $ AT TIME OF SERVICE.

SMH.... I had to vent. A part of me believes that may have been the reason Dr. B didnt call but that sounds ridiculous for them to go to those extremes, RIGHT? All this is getting toooooo overwhelming. They're not the only ones I have been going back and forth with in regards to payment. Remember when I had to go about 3 times to get my HSG done? Well they thought it would be cool to bill my insurance twice causing me to over pay as well. I was surprise my insurance paid them twice but not as surprise to see that now they are billing me directly for my portion of the cost. When I called them up to see what was their problem the lady was being very sneaky. She was trying to make me say that they never saw me so she can dispute the bill. I constantly repeated my story and she went back to "So you're saying they never saw you?" GRRR!!! Hung up and called my insurance to dispute it. Now on a three way call with the same lady. WOW! Her reaction was totally different than before. She wasnt helpful either way...she couldnt understand the fact that I had to go back 3 times and the 3rd time it was at a different location. The insurance rep even confirmed that they got billed twice and both times they paid. Sure you saw me three times but you didnt do anything the first two and basically told me "so sad to bad." To top it off the radiologist decided to put his "opinion" on my infertility issues.

Moving on.

Since I've been all gloomy lately, also sick (i.e. headache, dizzy, tired), I have been doing a lot of research on PCOS. I wanted to see if I can do anything to control it. Most of the info out there applies to women who are having difficulty with their weight. Not the case here. As I was researching it I stumbled upon this site. The only reason I happen to stumble upon it was because I googled prolactin levels + PCOS. This is what I found:


"We know that PCOS has some genetic basis, but it's unlikely that all women with one or more of these genes will develop the condition. It's more likely to develop, if there's a family history of diabetes (especially Type 2, the less severe type usually controlled by tablets) or if there's early baldness in the men in the family.

When the genetic tendency for PCOS is passed down through the man's side of the family, the men are not infertile – but they do have a tendency to become bald early in life, before the age of 30."


Bingo! Type 2 diabetes runs in my family as well as early baldness in the men of the family. Couldnt get better genes than that. My father suffers from both and most men on his side of the family also suffer from either diabetes or early baldness or simply both. I am the oldest daughter from all three sons my grandmother had. So I cant really say this in fact is an issue we will all suffer from or I just got lucky. When I told my mother she was heartbroken. "The things we pass on to our children unintentionally," was all my mother could say. She became more worried and wanted to know more. I told her I was fine so not to worry. For now I think I have my PCOS under control. As for the prolactin I can honestly say I probably do have my levels elevated because I have not been myself lately. The headaches are constantly there. The dizziness is getting to me. I constantly sleep during the day and have no problem sleeping at night. On that same site I found this:

"Raised prolactin levels can occur together with headaches and some disturbances of vision..."


All I can do is phone up the clinic today to demand some answers. Cause I am getting tired of these headaches.


****UPDATE*****

Received a call back from the nurse in regards to my Prolactin level and she stated they came back normal. Now I have to wait til June 12th for a full follow up with Dr. B. If I end up ovulate early this cycle like my monitor is stating then I will have to push for an earlier appointment.

Yet again I deal with this confusing feeling. Should I feel content that one thing was ruled out? Or should I brace myself to get that call back to confirm what the nurse had brought up during my appointment? Yesterday was a depressing day for me. All I wanted to do is sleep so the numbness could go away. My mind was just oblivoius to its surroundings. I didnt know if I should cry or just sit there pretending that I didnt have what they thought I had.

I have to say I felt nothing during the saline test besides some minor cramping. Looking at the screen of the 3D screenshots was incredible. Sure I had no idea what everything was unless she pointed it out but just seeing my uterus/ovaries in 3D was kinda neat. At the end of the test she said everything looked good and normal. She did not elaborate if my tube was indeed blocked or not and frankly I forgot to ask. Once I was done getting dressed I opened the door to talk to the nurse. She told me my blood results were in. She hesitated a bit possibly thinking of a way to tell me my results. Of course she started off with good news pointing out that all but one came back normal. Apparently my prolactin is quite elevated. She asked if I had anything to eat/drink that morning. Since my answer was no they went ahead and took out more blood from my poor little arm that was bruised already. She then stated she will call me with the results, if in fact my levels are still elevated they would have to do further testing on me. After I left the office I consulted Dr. Google...I didn't like the results. Dr. Google says I might have a small tumor near my pituitary gland causing the prolactin hormone to "blossom".

I just cant wrap my mind around it. How come my previous RE didn't mention something like this? Did he even check me for prolactin? Why am I ovulating if this hormone is suppose to stop ovulation? Could this be the reason why I am ovulating late? Is this causing an implantation issue? So many questions are running through my head and I don't have my follow up with Dr. B until June. WTF! Sure by the time I have it I will be on the brink of starting a new cycle, hopefully, so it will be perfect. In the meantime I am going mad not knowing what is going on. Is this a minor or major issue?

J doesnt seem to concern with all this. He of course consulted Dr. Google as well and told me I will be fine. If I indeed have elevated levels then they will put me on medication to control them. If in fact a tumor is present then those pills should shrink it. He then proceeded to point out that its not cancerous so I can stop stressing about it. I can't/won't relax until Dr. B clarifies what the hell is going on. Am I overreacting? Probably.

I wish this journey was over...I am over hearing bad news after bad news. Give me a break!!

It boggles my mind on how oblivious I was with my diagnosis.

Lets rewind a bit. J and I went in for our consultation with Dr. B at the new clinic. It's literately down the street from my job, love! It didnt take long for me to realize the enviornment was marvelous. The nurses were welcoming, the clinic felt like a soothing place, overall I give them an A+. So off we go following the nurse. She brought us to a hallway with a comfy couch and on the wall it had a huge chalkboard with the title "I want a baby because..."

Quite enterntaining I must say.

After my vitals were checked and they gave me a cup of water Dr. B called us in to her office. Again the atmosphere/ enviornment in her office was extremly welcoming. Was I there to see a therapist or a fertility specialist? She started by asking us question about ourselves. Trying to get to know us as a couple and individual. We then proceeded on talking about my medical records she had received. This is when I fought back the tears. NOT because I was sad but because I was shocked on what Dr. M had written. It fueled up anger that NONE of this was ever brought up to me!! Why did it take a new RE consult for me to learn the reality of my diagnosis? Ridiculous if you ask me.

Moving on...Dr. B elaborated on my HSG results. Based on the notes she received from the radiologist she stated my blockage was starting near the uterus. IHO- if any blockage presented in the tubes that is the blockage you want to have. She went on to explained that it was possible that my tube just spasm during the procedure appearing to be blocked. The notes also brought up something that left me quite speechless almost scared. My uterus seemed to be tilted to the right, per x-ray, OR my left side of the uterus can be non-existent. What does that mean? I have no effin clue besides that my uterus is not fully developed. Dr. B didnt seem to concern with this she says if that was the case Dr. M would have questioned it with all the u/s I've had. I expressed my concerns about a possible leakage coming from my blocked tube causing issues with implantation. Again she explained that IF I truly did have a blockage in my tube that the blockage I have is the one you prefer to have. Even if my ovary was leaking the toxin the blockage would not allow it to go through since no dye was able to leak through during the HSG. But she doesnt believe I have a leakage since its only caused by inflammation of the ovary which she does not see I have. We discussed the two IUI cycles we went through. She couldnt explain why my body got ready to ovulate with the last failed cycle when I had an immature follicle. I did let her know that this past cycle I got + OPKS but I did not ovulate until a week later, confirmed by BBT. She was happy to hear that I am ovulating on my own and I have been confirming it. Looking into my records she believes I have PCOS I was just never diagnosed with it. Dr. M did state I had polycystic ovaries during my first ultrasound. Apperantly you have to meet 2/3 symptoms to be fully diagnosed with PCOS. I meet those 2 out of 3! 1. Irregular cycles/ annovulatory cycles 2. Polyscystic ovaries. She ordered more bloodwork to confirm or rule out PCOS. Dr. M never cared to look into it and she said it could be because the info at times can be inconclusive. Meaning even if she were to confirm I have PCOS the info would be irrelevant to my protocal unless I have high testosterone, prolactin, etc.

She did a powerpoint presentation on infertility to explained what we should expect out of our treatment. Also, to show us what we should expect out of their staff. I was amazed! Dr. B is sweet, patient, and caring. I didnt feel rushed or that I left her office in more confusion. She gave us the option to move fwd with our treatment since I was on CD5 or let this cycle go by so we can get all the testing done so she can get a better perspective. A part of me wanted to jump right into treatment because I absolutely HATE waiting!! I looked at J to see what he thought but of course he said its up to me. So I looked at Dr. B basically pleading for her honest opinion. She repeated what J said that it was up to me. The testing she wanted to get done might not even change anything and she doesnt want to delay our treatment if that is the case. Well we opted out to do treatment this cycle. The major reason I decided to delay things is because she wants to do a 3D saline test to confirm that my tube is blocked and that the left side of my uterus does exist. She did do a regular u/s that day to check out my uterus. She believes going off of this u/s that my uterus is just tilted to the right making it difficult to detect the left tube on the HSG.

Compared to my last office the room was beautiful that I wouldnt mind waiting in it. When I laid down for my u/s on the ceiling there was a screen so i can take a look on what she was seeing. Awesome! At my last clinic I had to break my neck trying to look at what the nurse was doing and at times they didnt even let you look.

Just a bit of what the room looked like. J thought I was weird for taking picture of everything so I was trying to be secretive. Aren't those socks cute!!?? The twin picture on the wall warmed my heart so I had to take a pic of it. We left with a plan and I left with a peace of mind. Monday I go in for my 3D saline test. I also have a pap smear scheduled that same day with my OBGYN. Let the testing begin. NOT!

It's almost here. It would be a lie if I said I wasnt excited. My new RE consultation is this week and I couldnt be more thrilled that its around the corner. I want to hear her opinion on my previous RE's diagnosis. I want to know the new game plan. Although it sort of scares me too. I fear that she might want to do surgery to determine what is going on with my blocked tube. Yes, fear of the unknown but mostly because I dont have enough hours at work to take. I dont want to cancel my vacation time in August because I deserve a vacay!!!

I guess there is no point of stressing at this point. On a good note...AF decided to show her face on Mother's Day. Which means I ovulated on the usual CD 20-21. I will be on CD5 on the day of my appointment. I maybe doing another natural cycle this time around. Hopefully it doesnt drag and OPKs arent playing tricks on me like last month.

Like always, J never fails to show me his love on Mother's Day. He says he will never stop showing me love on this day regardless the outcome. He bought me flowers, took me to dinner, and a movie. When the celebration was over I hugged him and told him a part of me hated this special day. He grabbed me looked me in the eye...saying, "You are a mother. You will always be a mother and a wife to me. You are the person who takes care of me, who cleans after me, who reminds me of all the things I need to do and I love you for that." *tear* I love this guy! How did I get so lucky to have him in my life??

Of course I had to have a drink or two this weekend. 

A margarita at the restaurant & a glass of wine at home. 

I haven't updated lately.

I thought about it but just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I am trying my best to keep up with my fertility cleanse. I really don't know when I ovulated this month since I wasn't so great with my BBT this cycle. OPKs really sucked this month as well. I became extremely ill that I had to miss work this week. I couldn't take any meds because I play to many mind games with myself thinking what if there is a baby inside there. BLAH! With Mother's Day approaching I feel like I have grown extremely depress. BOO!

I know AF is around the corner because I catch myself crying for the littles things. Those pesky cramps are coming around. If she shows her face today that means I ovulated on CD16, which is not bad on a non medicated cycle.

The only good thing about mother's day is that J always tends to spoil me on this day regardless of my status. That is why I love this guy.