Thank you everyone for the well wishes and prayers. It truly means the world to us.

After my last heavy bleed my body has gotten the point to stay put. I'm not saying I haven't bled since then but it's light/spotting type of bleed. As soon as I see red blood I put my feet up to avoid a heavy bleed. So far this has worked wonders for me. Doesn't take long for the bleeding to turn brown and eventually just brown spotting. There's days were I feel pregnancy symptoms and then there's days that they're non existent. I try my best not to read to much into it or else it would add to my anxiety.

Scheduling an appt with an OBGYN was so easy compared go MFM. The specialist that I was referred to was a let down. I did my research on them before even receiving a call and immediately noticed I wouldn't feel comfortable being seen there. Let's just say the Dr doesn't have bedside manners. No thanks! My first conversation with the receptionist was nothing but questioning why I needed to be seen by them. Once we discussed that she said she needed to call me back to run the info by the Doctors. Two days later we played phone tag, more like me trying to get a hold of her, only to be told they weren't going to see me. Excuse me? U need my OB to confirm pregnancy when I've had multiple ultrasounds with my RE? Oh ur trying to say of he thinks it's a viable pregnancy u will consider seeing me but more than likely not because of who my OB is. Interesting. Rude much!? Since I did do my research I immediately called another MFM office and I fell in love without even seeing them. The receptionist was 100% professional and acknowledged my history of losses. Unfortunately since my RE didn't refer me she said ur OB appt is around the corner let them know to send us a referral and we will schedule you right in. Once again she acknowledged how worried I must be but asked me to stay calm as I should be in there care soon. Hopefully.

To our surprise I went a whole week without popping my head in at my REs office. Woohoo me! I was up since 4am...can u say nerves? My mind was going crazy. I convinced myself that since my symptoms were almost non existent something was wrong. Everyone talks about tender/sore breast during pregnancy...I don't experience that I actually only have sore/sensitive nipples. Every morning I wake up and brush my fingers against them to make sure they're still sensitive. Well guess what this morning I didn't feel much. Porque!!?

As soon as we get to the clinic we stay in the waiting area for less than 10mins. Usually once were in a room were seen within 5 the most 10 mins. Today was our lucky day...we sat there for almost 30 and I was ready to grab that wand myself to see what was going on in there. J gave me an aweful look which I knew meant I was acting a bit weird. I asked him of he was nervous. No. Asked him why? This is nothing new. Whatever happens happens. Really? Not even a smidge? Why are u so calm!!! Relax! U will be OK.

Once I realized my Dr wasn't here today I panicked. The last time I had Dr A due an ultrasound was when he bluntly told me not to be telling people I was pregnant because it wasn't looking good. Dejavu? Before I move on to the wonderful news let me just point out that it was the most painful ultrasound ever.

Our little miracle is measuring right on track with a heartbeat of 170bpm. I was amazed at how much it had grown in a week. J even commented on this. My nurse laughed and said I told u it would look a lot bigger. Looks like a gummy bear doesn't it? After the ultrasound Dr A asked how I was feeling as well as any feedback on his staff or clinic. He printed out some ultrasounds for us with a card that had my EDD. The EDD was off by one day since they had it wrong on the machine. He basically graduated me which had me speechless. This wasn't what Dr B told me the prior week. As soon as he left my nurse reassured me I would be coming back. She went off to explain to him they don't release RPL patients until 10 weeks. We have one last appointment on Jan 5th, hopefully with Dr B, then we will be handed off to my OB and praying an MFM. Or Dr B can say one more appointment before I go. Who knows.

My heart is starting to believe but I won't be convinced until the end of first trimester.

I woke up a bit nervous on Friday, I knew I wasn't feeling 100% to go back to work but since my doctor suggested it I gave it a try. Before I left the house I notice my brown discharge was getting heavier. Of course I ignored it since I was told I was going to experience it with lovenox. Fast forward to 6 hours of being at work...a walk to my vehicle and back to the building I felt a gush. I had literately just gone to the restroom and didn't have spotting. My stomach started cramping and became bloated instantly. Off to the restroom I went.

My face went pale white.

I could barely speak.

It took one look for management to realize something was wrong. All that came out of my mouth was "I'm going home."

By the time I arrived home I was drenched in blood. It went through my pad all over my underwear and pants. I cleaned up and went straight to bed to prop my feet up on top of a pillow. Tears were streaming down my face. J was at work for the rest of the night. When I called him he apologized because he couldn't be there with me. J reminded me this has happened before and I should just rest. I told him it felt different it was too much blood and it wouldn't stop. All he could do is reassure me it wasn't our first scare so I needed to relax or I'll make things worst.

Making the decision to wait until our original appointment was a tough one. Ultimately I realized we had just seen our little one the day before so I needed to give it time to see if there's any changes. If our little one wants to stick around he/she would still be there on Monday. I took it easy for the rest of the weekend and by Saturday morning my bleeding had turned to brown spotting again. Monday finally came around and I had to force J to go with me. He had gone to Dallas the night before to see the Cowboys vs Colts game so he didn't get home until midnight. Don't get me wrong I felt bad he wasn't going to get his full rest but the fear of being told our baby was no longer with us alone was far worst to me.

When I got there I told my nurse what had happened so she immediately told Dr B. She was so anxious to see me that I wasn't even ready when she knocked on the door. (I literately hid behind the door screaming I'm not ready.) Hahaha! That was a much needed laugh. She apologized for not looking for the green light indicating I was ready. Dr B was more anxious than me to see our little miracle. My heart started thumping when the magic wand went in. At first I couldn't see the sac and I got scared...but as she started moving it around there it was! She paused turned around to look at J then me with a big smile.

"It's still there! Ur baby is a fighter."

She immediately pointed out the little flickering heart. J immediately said how much faster the heart was flickering. With this comment Dr B let us hear it and that's when my heart and mind felt relieved. I never mentioned this but I was worried the heart beat wasnt getting stronger in a timely manner although Dr B always reassured me it was were it needed to be. At 6+1 it was @ 97.40bpm, @ 6+4 it was @ 109bpm, now @ 7+1 its @ 140bpm.

Once we were done with the ultrasound Dr B pointed out the fact that I was smiling for the first time. She had a serious talk with J & I about understanding how uneasy we are right now. Completely normal with our history. She assured me once I am out of the first trimester I will start to embrace this pregnancy more. I will transform to a different person and the worry will vanish up until I'm ready to pop.

Given the uneventful event I experienced on Friday she decided it was best to apply for disability. We have no idea where the bleeding is coming from and its obvious the more activity I do the worst it gets. They are also referring me to an MFM specialist to oversee my pregnancy. On top of that she recommended an OBGYN to me. I told her I didn't want to go to my regular one because truthfully I just went their for paps and don't like the environment. She was pleased and told me to call today to ensure I get seen sooner rather than later. But to let them know she was recommending me. My nurse said that doctor loves Dr B and treats her patients a lot like she does. Dr B continued to chime in stating his office is a lot like here small and private. I will always deal with the same wonderful people and doctor. As soon as I got home I called and was told first available appointment would not be til second week of January. They put me on hold stating Dr V would probably want to see me sooner than that. When she came back on the phone she stated they are booking me in for the 31st to get the consultantion out of the way. I won't have an ultrasound until later but they want to have everything on file and ready to go for when I see Dr V. Of course before she told me there was no ultrasound she asked if I had one done with Dr B already. Once I said yes she said great they feel more comfortable knowing I will still be in her care til he can see me.

Dr B also assured me they will not release me until I have been seen by both the specialist and Dr V. Our next appointment with Dr B is on monday the 29th. Before I left she did remind me if anything were to come up they will see me right away. Starting to feel hopeful but continuing to guard my heart.

Pregnancy is suppose to be full of joy and excitement. The kind that makes you want to blurt out to a random stranger "I'm PREGNANT!" Guilt fills my heart every time I realize that my own emotions are fear, stress and anxiety. Am I going to continue feeling this way throughout this pregnancy? Sometimes I wish I was oblivious to everything that can go wrong. Its merely impossible to erase my experiences throughout this journey. So the only obvious thing to do is close my eyes and pretend.

I haven't been to work for a week now. Fear gets the best of me that I just can't bring myself to go to work. Tomorrow is a new day and I might give it a try. Yesterday I was having a super lazy day at home. Cooking was probably the only activity I did besides washing dishes. And just like that my body decided to bleed out again. I got ready for bed and decided to call the clinic first thing in the morning. J was detached since the minute he woke up. Not a word was spoken until we arrived at the clinic. Dr B does a great job on keeping my mind at ease. She reminded us that all we can do is take a look and see what's going on. So we did...our little miracle is still trucking along growing with a heartbeat.

There's still no explanation as to why I'm sporadically bleeding. There's no bleeding in my uterus and gestational sac is attached all the way around. Dr B says she has another patitient who was taken off of lovenox due to bleeding. Unfortunately I can't stop or don't want to because I have three major reasons to be on them. Not only that but thanks to these meds this is the farthest we've ever gotten in a pregnancy. So what do we do? We suck it up and take it day by day. I will be having monitoring appts every four days to check on the progress of the baby. Since it seems like every four days my body decides to bleed.

Dr B said if she could bring me in every day she would or if she could have me carry an ultrasound machine with me to ease my mind she would hand it off to me. J of course shook his head in disapproval. She laughed and asked if it was a bad idea. "It will make her a little more crazy," was his response. Every four days it is! Of course Dr B reassured me it's not a bother for me to come in so often and it wouldn't cause any harm to the baby to keep looking. We've been through a lot this year as it is so for now this is the way things will be handled.

My heart sank when I saw blood when I wiped. It wasn't a smudge or spotting IT WAS FULL ON menstrual bleeding. I freaked out and called J to bring me a pad. Tears were not present at the time or for the rest of the night. I was numb. Confused. Why does this keep happening? J was even more confused, he couldn't understand what was going on. He kept asking me why I was bleeding and I felt hopeless.

Was I losing my baby once again? Monday morning couldn't come any quicker. I couldn't even bring myself to call my nurse I just texted her and was told to come in. I waited for J to wake up because I couldn't go to this appointment by myself.

When we arrived my Doctor was doing a retrieval so we were left waiting for a bit. By the time we got to the appointment my bleeding went from bright red to dark brown. Dr B finally came in with worry on her face. I let her know that it was no longer bright red it was now brown discharge. She immediately let me know that was actually good news. She performed an ultrasound and our baby was still there. (Thank you Jesus!) Measuring right on track of 6 weeks 1 day. She pointed out our baby's heart flickering on the screen. We also got to hear it although it was for a couple seconds. Apparently she said with the u/s machine we were using we were really pushing it on hearing a heartbeat this early. They usually try to do it at 6.3 weeks or later to get a better reading.

My eyes filled with tears when she pointed out the heartbeat. She reminded us this is the farthest we have gone and I should believe it's happening. I'm trying, I really am but I feel like now my fear has increased on losing this little one. Were taking it day by day for now. Dr B understands I'm a nervous wreck so she asked me to come back Friday to take another look.

She doesn't know why I bled the way I did. There's no signs of tears or bleeding around the sac. She believes there's a war inside my uterus as far as my antibodies trying to end the pregnancy and the meds working hard to prevent it. But she also mentioned that some women just bleed or have brown discharge while on lovenox and stopping it usually stops it. Lucky for me I can't stop my meds so I just have to brace myself for possible breakthrough bleeding again. Friday seems so far away but I'm praying I make it that far without having any further complications. Although my Dr assured me if it happened again to let them know and they will see me sooner.

After arriving home yesterday I saw an abundance of brown discharge on my undies. It was still there when I wiped. I haven't been feeling well. I get extremely dizzy regardless of what I eat. With this happening I managed to convince myself I was having an ectopic pregnancy. My right side has been hurting non stop, near my belly button.

My mind was thinking of every scenerio possible. I refused to get out of bed in hopes the brown discharge would subside. Those sudden pains would come and go. At 7:30 am I called my nurse and she asked me  to come in for a check up. After arriving there I expected them just to do blood work and send me on my way only to have a stressful weekend. That wasn't the case...they immediately called me in asked me to empty my bladder and they will be with me shortly.

Dr B poked her head to my room and asked what was going on. I explained to her what I was experiencing trying my best to hold back my tears. Unfortunately J was at work til 5 am so he wasn't with me. Ultrasound showed no blood in my uterus or around gestational sac. What we did see was our miracle baby fighting hard to hold on...measuring exactly 5 weeks 6 days. This is when the tears started flowing because I've never seen THIS! Its always been empty sacs. Dr B is making the assumption my body was just expelling old implantation blood. My UTI seems to disappear and then come back. Given that the antibiotics aren't strong enough I might have to continue on them to male sure the infection doesn't cause anymore irritation to my bladder. For now Dr B is holding on to hope as I will continue to worry maybe until we hear our baby's heartbeat or maybe until he/she is moving noticeably inside me.

We go back Wednesday in hopes to hear a heartbeat. Thank u everyone for the well wishes please keep praying this little miracle keeps fighting.

I guess the body wants what the body wants... And my body doesn't want this pregnancy. I wish I could hold on to hope but I've been down this rode before and I know where its leading to.

One day but that day isn't today. Wish u would hold on little one but if u don't u will have good company up in heaven.

It seems that my body and mind like to play games with me. How could've I not figured this out sooner? I knew there was something odd about my spotting. Things didn't feel right it felt like the witch was on its way. Once that subsided the symptoms became evident there was another culprit. Yup I have a lovely UTI!

By Thursday the pain became unbearable and just like that it hit me. I grabbed my phone texted my nurse and demanded an appt for the next day. OK, ok didn't have to demand I simply asked if I could stop by the following day. That morning I noticed blood on my pantyliner and I became nervous. I mentioned it to the nurse and as soon as those words left my mouth another nurse yelled, "There's blood in her urine sample. Definitely an infection."

You mean I could have been bleeding all along because my body was trying to tell me something? Apparently this isn't the first time I developed one. During my last miscarriage I also went in because I was uncomfortable. Lab results showed I had a bacteria infection and no one told me anything! Now I'm wondering if it ever left in the first place.

Antibiotics and cranberry juice it is! I'm hoping I can clear this up soon and I don't have to be in so much pain. At first I thought this was going to put my mind at ease (laughing) not even one bit. My acupuncturists asked me of I was stressed after feeling my pulse. I couldn't lie...I've been a little over the edge. I even developed major insomnia which doesn't help.

9 more days until the fate of this pregnancy is revealed.

After a rough start my body seems to be recognizing this pregnancy. My spotting has completely stopped, slight cramping here and there but nothing to alarming. At this point we've decided that it is safe for me to go back to work. A part of me is developing anxiety going back but it must be done.

We're not out of the woods yet and I don't think we will until I get to see my baby on the ultrasound. I fear to see an empty sac again. My mind is raising thinking it will happen again. I try my best to be positive but I'm trying to guard my heart. Blood results revealed pregnancy is progressing as it should, levels went from 340 to 1060. My thyroid levels did rise but still within range, it went from .4 to 1.4.

We have another two week wait ahead of us before my heart can find peace. For now I will indulge in some acupuncture.

This post is suppose to be filled with joy and excitement. Instead I have been hesitant to write this post. Let's start at the beginning...

At 4DP5DT I felt horrendous cramps that shot down my back and legs. I managed to sleep it off and the following day I felt fine until the day progressed. I began feeling like my period was coming. I woke up at 2:30am at 6DP5DT about to burst. I decided to POAS only to see a BFN. My heart sank, my body felt numb, I felt devastated. I stayed up an hour staring at that stick. After a while I convinced myself I saw a line, possibly an evap but I saw it. J of course told me to go back to sleep because I was going crazy he didn't see anything. I kept getting this nagging feeling to test again before we headed off to celebrate Thanksgiving. This time around he saw a 2nd line so we left it at that. The following day We would know if it was a fluke. 

7dp5dt we had confirmed FET 4 worked. I texted my nurse and moved my beta from Tuesday to Monday. Soon after I started spotting. This spotting was odd- I didn't even think it was spotting til the following day. I started getting bad cramps and a feeling my period was going to appear any minute. Again I didn't consider it spotting til I felt off. My right side near my belly button started hurting (I usually get this before a miscarriage). My world fell apart just imagining another loss. 

When I went in for blood work today I talked to my Dr. I couldn't even start talking without sobbing. She pulled me into her office and attempted to calm me down. I described every little detail I felt and was already expecting another loss. She couldn't give me a definete answer as to what was happening. I could see in her eyes she wanted to make everything better but didn't know how. She admitted the medication I was already on would be the only thing she had to prevent miscarriages. If there was another drug she would give it to me instantly. After I wiped my tears away she looked at me and said, "I've never seen you so emotional. This is a good thing. Must be pregnancy hormones rising in your body." She said depending on my results she would probably add vaginal suppositories. In the state that I was in I even considered a leave of absence from work. She was hesitant only for the sole purpose that I would stress out more just laying around. For now that is still up in the air. She did ask me to take a couple days off to rest and see of the spotting subsides. 

At 11am Dr B called and my heart sank. Drs only call if there's bad news. She immediately informed me not to freak out she was calling because she wanted to personally deliver the news herself. My beta came back at 340 and my progesterone at 40. No need for extra suppositories. We won't know if this pregnancy is progressing until Wednesday. Even with this news J and I are on pins and needles. J is having a harder time embracing the little good news we received. It breaks my heart to see him act like this pregnancy is not going to last. Though I would be a hypocrite if I said I had faith it was going to last. One day at a time... Today we are pregnant, what about tomorrow? 

*excuse typos used my phone

During our preparation for our FET cycle I was feeling defeated. Negativity was all that I thought about. I had to force myself out of that forsaken hole to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I knew I needed to do something for myself to feel confident and motivated this was a new beginning.

On Veterans day I decided to make an appointment to get my hair done. I was hesitant at first because I didn't want all these chemicals in my body but I knew I needed it to lift my spirits up. I've never been the type to go and spend money on these things because I am indecisive. Or I easily have a change of heart. My aunt is a hairstylist so everyone she is in town I have her do it. 1. I trust her 2. All I have to do is buy the product. Knowing I wasn't going to California anytime soon, or her to Texas, I went for it.

My dad immediately told me a needed to put cheeks on (blush) because i looked pale. LOL! I know this isn't the greatest picture but I don't have a better one at this time. Sorry, maybe next time.

With every cycle I get excited and buy a gift for our baby. It was just a natural instinct to do it. The only cycle I didn't purchase a gift was with FET #2. (I mentioned before that I had a feeling it wasn't our time.) Knowing FET #4 was on its way I told J I wanted to buy a little something for baby. I just felt that I needed to let he/she know they were wanted instead of letting these negative thoughts get in the way. The day before our FET I purchased the gift and I must say it was the best decision I've made. It immediately brought peace into my heart. Hope that God is looking over us.

Transfer day was a bit awkward to say the least. This may sound ridiculously weird but I am sure some of you can relate. Dealing with infertility treatment that forces you to see the same people every other week or two, you become accustomed to their way of being. I know I prefer certain nurse's because I am familiar with their personality. When we arrived I immediately noticed some people were absent others were occupied. My Dr was scheduled to do my transfer but got pulled last minute for an emergency surgery. One of my favorite nurses did mention the Dr I was not fond of was going to do my transfer. This saddened me but ultimately the end goal was to have a successful transfer and achieve pregnancy. 

Before our transfer took place Nurse W said to me..."I told Dr A to be nice to u because u like Dr B more than him." Don't get me wrong Dr A is a great Dr and is the owner of this clinic. My wounds are just not fully healed from when he bluntly said I didn't have the right to celebrate my pregnancy because more than likely I would miscarry. Ok...maybe I wrote it worst than his actual words BUT the way he delivered the news was more heartbreaking than what I already knew.

Anywho, Dr A was extremely nice this time around. He sat in the bed and had a brief talk with us. During the transfer as he was waiting for the embryologist to bring our little embaby he bowed his head and something reassured me he was praying for us. Transfer was actually pretty smooth. No cramps afterwards. Had my acupuncture session in the waiting area and then we were on our way. 

I rested the entire day trying to keep my feet warm. The following day we went to breakfast, shopping, movie, and then rested at home. J made dinner and headed out shooting with my brother. Sunday I went to church with my mother. Then I took her out to breakfast. The rest of the day was uneventful since I wanted to keep resting. 

Negative thoughts try to seek their way in but I immediately start praying to vanish them. I will not allow them to consume me. This morning when I woke up I checked my email and saw this. 

I knew he is trying to tell me to stay calm. Then I realized the day of our transfer I also received the following message.

How I wish I could start by saying we had a surprise natural pregnancy. HA! Well that isn't the case. Although on the brighter side I was glad to have a natural cycle before my FET. I think my body and soul needed it.

Baseline ultrasound today confirmed a thin lining and quiet ovaries. Yay! Are genetic testing revealed another possible problem with our recurrent miscarriages. I don't have one but TWO MTHFR mutations. I guess I was the fortunate child to get all the glories genes from my parents. What does this mean? Another lovely medication I  need to take was added to my list. When I went in for my endometrial scratch my Dr informed me that my lovely nurse was in a car accident. She assured me she was fine but needed time off to recover. So this FET cycle has had a rough start without her but I am confident she will be back before my transfer. I reached out to her to make sure she was doing ok. 

I've been having a difficult time staying positive. For the last week or so I catch myself wondering/dreaming of the what ifs. A week before Halloween we went out to a Halloween party. At first I felt excitement then as we arrived at our destination those emotions left the building. I immediately wanted to go home, to my luck we agreed to all go in one vehicle to prevent people driving intoxicated. I'm not a fan of drinking so I always knew I would be the designated driver. As the night progress people began to annoy me. Time was literately going no where. Peoples feelings were hurt others over drank and my patience were to a minimal. At 3:30am I spoke up demanding to leave because I was starving. I don't even remember how we even got to where the conversation ended but there I was holding back tears. I was reminded of what I didn't have. Of what I could've had.

"Why do you want to go home? You of all people should be getting drunk having a good time. It's not like you have kids to worry about." - Rude

"If I had kids I wouldn't even be here, I would be at home with them! Why would I want to drink and fill my body with drugs if I had kids of my own?"- Me

(Looks at me in a disgustingly shocking face) "Yeah right that's what you say now."- Rude

Needles to say I walked away from that conversation because it's obvious she wasn't being rational. For one, I was the only person not drinking and two I don't do drugs. Is she implying that once I have children I will run to those things for comfort? What kind of sick world do you live in? She attempted to apologized after I walked away but the harm was done. Let's just say I cried myself to sleep that night. I should've never been at that party. I should've had my son in my arms.

I'm scared.

I'm nervous.

I'm hopeful.

He has given me his reassurance in different ways. Every night in my prayers I talk to my angels. In one rare occasion I confessed that it breaks my heart not knowing what they look like. In a strange wonderful way I had an unexplainable dream where I truly felt them in my arms. That's when I knew he hasn't left my side. 

So it begins....

Vivelle patches start tomorrow with a transfer date of the 21st. 

I am excited to say my body finally ovulated on its own after 12 months. Last time my body ovulated was during a egg collection. That was last year in October!! With two miscarriages in between I was never gave my body the opportunity to heal itself naturally. I mean who wants to take a break from TTC? Hehehe! I'm sure the liquid vitex and the other herbal supplement help with a little help of massage oil made from essential oils (all from the same company). I had only taken them for 11 days when my bbt dropped indicating possible ovulation, confirmed with OPK. Of course I was in denial until i could confirm it.

I saw my Dr today and she ordered blood work to confirm ovulation. If i in fact ovulated they will be scheduling my endometrial tickle next week. She was very pleased to hear I ovulated on my own but I'm sure she wasn't as over the moon like moi.

RPL results are in...

I tested negative for everything except the lupus antibodies. Which I was expecting. I guess we have an answer as to why my body keeps rejecting my embryos. Thanks to Emily @ Eatloveprocreate.blogspot.com, I purchased the book she recommended "Is your Body baby friendly." I must admit it is very interesting and easy to understand. With the help of this book my Dr & I were able to come up with a plan. (Also I think I pretty much went off of Ems successful protocol. If it worked for her then why not?) 

New protocol: 

No BCPs. 

Endo tickle

Lupron 

Vivelle patches 

Steroids 

Lovenox 

2ml of PIO  (We decided to ditch endometrin)

Transfer 1 6D blastocyst to ensure a safe pregnancy  (because we ARE conceiving again, positive thinking here)

This plan isn't concrete as I haven't received my new calendar. I am just going off of what we agreed on during our consult. She is still waiting on our karotype testing but is confident it wouldn't change our protocol. 

That's it for now just wanted to give a quick update. Have a great weekend everyone!

Yesterday's follow included 12 vials of blood work, ultrasound, and peeing in a cup. First of all I'm glad my vein was in a good mood. Even the nurse said, "Well that was easy."

They are doing an RPL panel & Karotype genetic testing to see what is going on. Ultrasound revealed my body did as it should leaving my lining at 4mm. I did let them know I was experiecing a bit of discomfort down there but there was no infection. I guess my cervix is just a bit sensitive. HCG level came back at 29, hopefully by next week it's down to 0.

Results for testing will take 1-2 weeks & 3-4 weeks to come back. I'm guessing the RPL panel is 1-2 weeks since she mentioned calling me with a new plan next week. Like last cycle I will not be put on birth control. We are just going to allow my body to heal and hopefully ovulate on its own so I can avoid taking progesterone. I did start taking liquid extract vitex in hopes that it will help my hormones balance. Thanks to Caroline I am also getting the best sleep ever. She allowed me to use her discount to order lavender & peace and calming essential oils. First time using them gave me a headache but with her tips I am loving it. Peace and calming puts me right to sleep even when I don't feel tired. Besides these I'm also taking UteriCalm, it's a mixture of herbal extracts to prepare the uterus for conception. It's hard to stomach but whatever helps my uterus prepare for baby I will deal with it.

Since we saw benefits of having surgery before my last FET, just like our prior successful FET, Dr B is recommending an Endometrial Tickle. She explained that instead of putting me through surgery again this was the alternative. She will go into my uterus with a catheter to "rough up" my uterus to force it to heal and create new blood flow. I of course had to Google it and found that it is frequently used by RE. Another concern I had was if i would experience any discomfort during the procedure. The nurses face said it all so Dr B explained that the name could be deceiving. It's in fact not a tickle and it's not pleasant. (Scared face). I'm sure it can't be as bad as the drainage procedure I had when I had OHSS. 

I'm still debating if i should switch back to PIO instead of vaginal suppositories. She doesn't believe the miscarriage was caused by low progesterone so she wants to keep me on Endometrin. A part of me is scared to be put on it again and my body not absorbing them properly. I'm sure we can discuss this in depth when she calls me with a new plan when she gets my results back. 

Here's for another waiting game.

I was devastated when I miscarried a week before a wedding we had to attend in California. My mind was going in circles thinking how they're going to get pregnant before us, etc. Once we were there in took me a day to wrap my head around everything. Then I was able to enjoy our getaway. Before we left on Thursday I received this email and it changed my perspective.

Everything happens for a reason. We may not understand the reason behind the why but I have faith he has a plan for us.

The wedding ended up being a blast. I was elated that my best friend in HS was marrying the love of her life. J and the groom were next door neighbors throughout their childhood, so their wedding was special to both of us. Although I dislike when people ask about having kids I dared to ask it myself. Which led to a very long/emotional conversation. I advised her against waiting so long to start having their first kid. I actually encouraged her to start trying. With tears in her eyes and a few hug exchanges she expressed her sadness for our losses. Of course she still wants to be able to travel and enjoy her marriage a bit but said she might consider not waiting for as long as she wants to. 

A few other HS friends I had personal conversations with also expressed their sadness. One even admitted she hasn't been able to conceive since her miscarriage back in HS. I saw the worry in her face and it broke my heart. I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to vent my feelings without these ladies dismissing my pain. 

On Thursday I will be going in for blood work to check my hcg levels. Personally I think they're probably at 0 or close to. I stopped bleeding on Saturday and have occasional spotting. My only concern is that I either have a UTI or infection. Fx that it isn't anything major.

I woke up bleeding again...I wasn't going to wait until Wednesday afternoon to confirm what I already knew. I text my nurse to make her aware and I wanted to go in today because we were going out of town this weekend. I didn't want to be in a the midst of a miscarriage while I was at a wedding. She agreed so we can get it oger with. My Dr called earlier than last time to confirm this was not a viable pregnancy.  I can't say I was surprised by the news. Her reaction was extremely shocking...she was the one in disbelief of what was going on. It boggles her mind to see a perfectly good ultrasound only to get contradicting results.

At this point they think it's my body rejecting the embryos. My levels were more than doubling,  which she was ecstatic about, then two days later my body just decided to terminate the pregnancy. I was at the mall shopping for my wedding attire only to be scarred for life. I will never forget my trip to the restroom that day. J didn't believe me when I told him i was bleeding.  He laughed a little and told me to stop playing games. When he saw me on the phone calling my nurse his face expression completely changed. Tears started flowing down my face and we headed home. By his reaction and constant questioning I figured he was in shock. Denial perhaps but then again so was I.

Dr B & A had a discussion before she called me. They both agreed that although my first loss was due to chromosomal abnormality I need a recurrent pregnancy loss panel. My first thought was Lupus because my aunt has it. Before I did the transfer she insisted I get tested for Lupus given that I am vitamin D deficient. Regardless of the results my Dr wants me on Lovenox for our next cycle.  She prefers us not to take a break and just jump right into another cycle. We also agreed to transfer one embryo this time around. We had two different perspectives as to why. Considering we only have three embryos left she doesn't want to lose more than one if I were to miscarry again. Personally I agreed to one solely for the reason that my body can't hold a pregnancy in the first place why risk my body going haywire and it's unable to support twins. A healthy pregnancy is my goal right now. Getting pregnant is not the problem (via IVF) it's staying pregnant. As long as my polyps don't come back then we still have a fighting chance.

Strangely when I started bleeding J and I discussed adoption. (J has never been on board with adoption, his perspective had always been "if I can't have my own biological child then I rather be childless.") When I brought it up I expected the same cut throat comment to end the subject...instead his response was "If that's what God wants then that's what we will do."  My jaw dropped then I realized he was grieving the loss of this pregnancy. We didn't discuss this in detail but we agreed that it's something we will start saving for if that is where our path is leading us.

I am grateful that my mother was aware of this pregnancy. Having her support means the world to me. Even if she doesn't fully comprehend what's happening. I know she wishes she can do something to heal my pain. Thank you all for your loving comments and support. I know all three of our angels are in a better place.

After excessively bleeding all Saturday with clots I finally went in for blood work today.  The bleeding slowed down but it hasn't vanished. They did a beta and progesterone level test. We were about to leave when my Dr stopped me. She said she could do another ultrasound but warned me there probably wasn't much to see since I'm only 5 weeks. Ultrasound showed 2 tiny sacs and a lining of 8. The Dr didn't have an explanation as to why I'm bleeding. She gave us a bit of hope  before we left but when the call never came I knew it was bad news. At exactly 3:43 my Dr called, my heart dropped, I knew then it wasn't good news. She said my levels went for 2914 (Thursdays results) to 1509. She was a bit confused given that the ultrasound showed otherwise. The only good thing is that my P levels went from 7 to 28. I think i had something to do with it though. I was so desperate for the bleeding to stop that I took progesterone orally. If that's what caused it to go up then this pregnancy is over. Or my body is finally recognizing the pregnancy and we can hold on to hope. Lastly it could also be a vanishing twin.

We should know more by Wednesday afternoon. If my hcg levels rise then we may have a miracle baby or it could also mean we will be preparing for a miscarriage. Please send a prayer our way.

It's over...not even when your numbers more than double does it mean everything is progressing as it should. I didn't even make it to my first ultrasound when this pregnancy was taken from me.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was feeling excited about this FET. So just like our first FET I ordered little baby items on amazon. I didn't place the order until the day of our transfer because i also wanted to order pregnancy test and didn't want the temptation to test early. The package arrived on Wednesday and I cried when I opened it. I bought onesies for when I tell my parents. 

I also decided to buy some books and a little outfit. 

Of course in this same package were the HPT. I started getting anxiety looking at them because I had no symptoms at all. The ones I did have I wrote them off as progesterone side effects. I told myself I would test when I was ready to handle whatever came my way. 

That same night I had the strangest dream ever.  I was at my clinic in a room with 2 other women. None of us have had a beta at that point. (Well I hadn't lol idk about them) but here we were in a small little room with my Dr doing an ultrasound. Weirder thing was that she didn't want us looking at the screen. She told us she was just doing it for her own viewing and didn't want us to worry. For some strange reason I saw the reflection of the screen and was able to see two beautiful sacs. I smiled and she knew I was able to see. (Yes I know it's physically impossible to be able to see anything that early on). Then I woke up and got the courage to test. 

I peed on the stick placed it beside me and didn't even wait 3 mins when I wrote it off as a BFN. I went to bed, or tried, almost crying. Asking why? Not the month my baby was due.  A couple hours later I woke up only to see two lines on the test. I was in shock and I immediately took a pic and sent it two to lovely ladies that have held my hand through this journey. They both assured me it wasn't an evap. I still had my guard up because I didn't see it turn +. I decided to hold my excitement in until I tested again the next morning. To my surprise there it was a bit darker. 

 

I tested again at 8dp5dt and saw an immediate dark line. My Dr wanted me to wait until 10dp5dt for my beta. She didn't want me worrying if my #s came back on the low side. Today's beta confirmed I am "indeed very pregnant", in my nurse's words. Beta came back at 824. I have to go back Thursday to check my levels again.

When I shared the news with my dearest friend, she sent me this. I thought it was the cutest thing.

I'm still remaining cautious considering what happened last time. I want to enjoy this as much as I can but sometimes it can be difficult. During the weekend I tried my best to relax. It was a challenge to avoid drinking without people questioning why I wasn't drinking. Overall I had fun enjoying the view of the waves.

South Padre Island, Tx

This time around  shared the news with my mother the day before beta.  I asked her to keep it a secret considering what happened last time and she agreed. Praying that everything works out this time around.

This month brings a lot of mixed emotions. From excitement to sadness. I should have been, or close to, holding our son in my arms. On Friday I watched "Heaven is for real" and it made me wonder,  miss our little boy. I know he's in a better place looking down on us. Time has healed but not entirely. This month will always be a hard month for me. Baby know that I will always keep you dear to my heart.

I've managed to remain optimistic throughout our FET cycle. I recall feeling bleh! during FET#2, as if I knew it wasn't going to work. With this cycle I've felt excitement all over again. Up until today...It's hard to refrain from negative thoughts. Here I am 3dp5dt thinking what if this doesn't work? Would I be able to move forward with another cycle? Should I take a break? I'm trying to stay positive and push all these negative thoughts out of my mind.

Friday was transfer day. It was an exciting day for us. I wanted every moment to be captured! Something in my heart told me this was it I had to create memories. And that's exactly what we did. 

I was able to record the transfer on my phone with the Drs permission of course. I'm telling you I was excited and something told me I needed to do this to show my future how they came to be.

That day I took it easy for the rest of the day. The following day we left to Dallas in the afternoon.  I was surprisingly calm until we hit traffic due to rain. We managed to make it to Dallas in 5 hours. Ugh! The rest of the night I was able to relax. 

Then the day we have been waiting for had arrived!! First day of football season!! 

First of all, I did not expect to see the Cowboys stadium be taken over by 49er fans. Wow! 

Look at that RED! Such a great start to the season. I'm sure I don't have to remind anyone that the Cowboys had an embarrassing loss. Here's hoping we have a victory ending to our FET cycle as well. 

Labor day weekend started on a good note. Saturday morning we had our lining check appointment.  Dr. B was ecstatic with my lining. It measured 10mm, I have never had a lining that thick. It was always around 7 or near 8 mm in the past. She was so excited that she gave us a high five. Then I asked her what her thoughts were about us traveling to Dallas the day after transfer for Sundays game. She gave her blessing then J and Dr B began to talk fantasy football. Let's just say J & I are on the same page that Dr B was meant to be a part of our infertility journey.

Later that day we headed to a friend's house so J can pick his players for Fantasy Football. It was a nice get together with lots of food insight. Yes I ate unhealthy food all weekend. Ashamed but I couldn't help it. My sis in law of course took my niece and a friend took her 9 month old. I felt awkward because every women there was a mother. We were all in the living room hanging out when A puts her 9 month old on my lap. The little girl was misbehaving so she apparently thought it was a good idea to hand her over to me. At first I was shocked that she wouldn't even ask. But to be honest we ended up hitting it off. I spend most of the time playing with her. When she was leaving A asked her to say bye to me and she embrace me with a hug and kiss.

Afterwards I spend some time with my niece. Big difference between a 2 month and 9 month old. Regardless I made her smile a couple times.

Sunday we had family come down from Dallas and Austin.  Family time is always fun. I again pigged out. 

Hahaha! This picture cracks me up. My aunt and my SIL grandmother.  

Friday is almost here and as it gets closer I am getting extremely excited. This is the first time around I told my mom the exact date of our transfer. I asked her to be discrete about it just for the sake of our privacy. She agreed and has done such a great job not saying a word to anyone besides my dad. This was such a relief because I dislike keeping things from her.