:-/

I try my best not to beat myself up about the things that go on around me. It's difficult sometimes but I know if I just pretend not to hear or feel a certain way about something or someone it gets a bit easier. Sometimes you can't control who's in your life and it shouldn't matter as long as that person is happy. Anyhow, it was my one and only dazzling niece's birthday this weekend. She finally turned 3 so don't let her size fool you. She can keep up with her sisters and her uncle who are around 7-8 yrs of age. She's a BIG girl! One day she told she was already considered a big girl cause she can break a flavored ice pop in half with her knee. I tried so hard to keep my laugh in until she didn't realize I was laughing at what she said. I find that she always lightens up my mood when I am down about something.

During her birthday celebration J and I were talking about his sister M's wedding. We decided we would go a weekend before her wedding so we can go to Vegas for the weekend and then relax the week before her wedding. Just to truly enjoy our vacation. AND of course for my 24th birthday celebration!! So indeed I got excited that I started reaching out to our friends and family to see who would love to join us. As the responses started coming in I was over joyed that so many friends and family were willing to go celebrate with us. After all it's not often that we go down to California to visit. And BAM! Just like that my excitement was over. I really wish it wasn't that I oils just pick up that excitement from wherever I left it at and move on with my life. J has 5 sisters that I love to death. They have treated me like family and we have had our heart to heart moments. I invited his youngest sister to go with us, since we are a bit closer in age. She was quick to reply and immediately said YES! Before dropping the bomb on me..."Yeah we are down to go thats if im not preggers then lol going to d doc tomorrow keeping my fingers crossed ;)" of course that emoticon just made everything a bit less painful. NOT! Without hesitation I shoved my phone in J's face and all I could say is look! He didn't say much just "oh well" since we've been trying there has been 3 pregnancies in his family. Two of them probably planned it and luckily they got pregnant the same month. I say probably because they baptized each others kids. The second I have a theory.. Lol! Just a theory. She fell pregnant after we had gone down there for the holidays. During that trip we had openly discussed our plan to TTC. I believe she got pregnant with the intention that we would have a child close in age. I was one of the first ppl to find out before she announced it to anyone, before any of her sisters knew. She did ask if we had conceived yet. So my theory might of been correct. Now the youngest is probably pregnant already or will get pregnant very soon. Don't get me wrong I am truly happy for her. She deserves this as much as any of us do. I love her like my own sister and couldn't be anymore excited for her. But then the selfish part of me comes along and says wtf my son/daughter won't have any cousins close in age. Of course from his side of the family. My side I'm not that worry about. I knew J's reaction was more than an "Oh well." For once I saw the same pain in his eyes, the pain I have felt from watching pregnant women all around me. We will get through this and I know God will bring us our lil bundle of joy.