Reality

A test does not need to confirm what my heart and body already know. I went into this cycle blind folded and letting others lead the way. I guess I wanted to believe that this is all I needed after NTNP for 2 years & 3 years of trying. I can write about life not being fair but in reality we all know that already. You guys don't need me to remind you of something you deal with every time a cycle is over. This weekend J & I went baby shopping for one of our good friends. They are having their second child at the end of this month. I truly am happy for them but a part of me still wonders "Why can't I just get at least one?" The stuff is stil in my place cause I have to ship it out to California. Looking at it makes my heartache that I may never see those things in my home unless it's for someone else. I hate being pessimistic but it might be reality. I want to rollover and give up on this journey. There has been so many heartaches and disappointments that for once I want to get over this obsession of becoming a mother. It has been consuming me to the point that J feels like everything in our relationship is about timing. I need to wake up from this dream to start focusing on the one person I do have infront of me. My husband! The person who got up and left everything behind for ME! I use to think "HEY, I did the same for you when my parents first moved out of state." Its selfish of me to think that way so I need to change my attitude for the best. J has been trying to get me through this only to realize I might be the only that can help myself at this point.

Tomorrow I go in for my blood test to confirm I am not pregnant. I really hope AF doesn't take her time to show her ugly face. I want to enjoy this weekend without cramps. That beautiful wine bottle sitting on my kitchen counter has been calling out for me. So I might ask J to pop that wine bottle open and we can have some fun while were at it. I invited J out on a date this weekend. He told me to plan it out and he is up for it. At this point I know I should probably start thinking about what is next. I know I might not want to do IVF just yet so this is what I have came up with. I try my best to investigate for a radioligist that my insurance covers, so we can confirm once in for all my tubes arent blocked. I know there arent! I pray to God they aren't! Try another IUI+trigger cycle. If that doesn't work then I will let Dr. M pull out the big guns! I know IVF can be a long process and I wanted to try everything possible to have our bundle of joy here before the year ended. Having a baby during the holidays is kinda amazing! Only if that was in my control. After this cycle I am willing to jump right into the world of IVF to get our bundle of joy(s).