Results are in

And just like I suspected. NEGATIVE. I think the nurse was more heartbroken than I was. Which got me thinking if I had became numb to all this. Then I realized that after seeing negatives for a good 3 years was enough to see it as just that, a negative. Nurse Lindsey brought up Dr. Martin's recommendations on IVF and surprisingly agreed that it was to soon for me to go down that route. I asked her about some of the radiologist Dr. Martin and Dr Neal mentioned so I can investigate if my insurance would cover it. I am on a mission to find out if indeed there is something going on with my tubes. Lindsey said once I call her back on cycle day 1 she will have that info ready for me. I also plan on asking her about a possible dilemma with my TSH. Even though my results came back at 2.26 my aunt who is currently under care for her thyroid, amongst other things,told me her Dr would consider my results to be mild thyroid. I looked up the symptoms for thyroid and realized I have a few. I am always cold regardless if others are warm around me. My hair tends to "shed" way more than I like it to. My eyes are always feeling itchy swollen just plain ol' uncomfortable at times. I become fatigue during the day even though I got plenty of sleep the night before. And of course irregular periods + infertility. This made me recall all those times I would go to the Drs when I was in HS and even afterwards, to complain about being tired all the time, back pain, and irregular cycles. Of course everyone dismissed me and said I wasnt being active enough and I needed to be put on BCP. Smmh!It becomes disheartening to know that maybe there was an issue that could have been resolved way back then before I even started on this journey.

I couldn't bare to tell my mother it was a failed attempt. I was afraid to see her reaction...just writing this post I feel like I am about to burst into tears. Knowing that she wants me to have a child of my own so she can help me raise them pains me even more. She always tells me "your son's kids are not your own, your daughter's kids are like your own." At first I was a bit confused about this but I came to realize what she meant by it. The feeling doesn't get any easier when both parents start talking about plans with my future kids. I am their only daughter making this process a lot harder. Giving up is not an option for me. I want this as much as they do, probably even more. Even if nothing works I want to be able to say I tried, I truly tried.