Lately my feelings have been all over the place. I don't know if I should be excited or just let my true emotions show. Since holiday season is here I am trying to stay at peace with myself for the sake of the people around me, who are indeed enjoying this time of year. I decided to just go with the flow. Lately, I have been outside playing with my nieces (8,6,2). I don't really like to "hang out" with them as you may call it. A part of me feels envy AND another part makes me work twice as hard to reach my dream. Anywho, one day I was outside playing with the two year old, Jayleen, and her sister Jesselle decided to join us as well. We were at the playground set just having a jolly good old time. Did I say OLD? LOL! Here's the story, my 2 yr old niece was playing with a weird looking metal thing that comes with the playground set. It kinda looks like a walker for elderly ppl. I had the brilliant idea to tell her to walk around like she was an "old lady"
. HAHAHA! It makes me laugh just picturing her. She started walking around with it and her sister and I started telling her she was walking to fast. WHOA! Did she get offended. She went up to Jesselle while she was swinging and yelled out, "You OLD LADY!" We both looked at each other with such a shocking face and the only thing that came out of Jesselle's mouth was,"Did she just call me an old lady?" Jay,"Ya I did." She started running giggling the whole way. Where was she going? I have no idea. When she came back I saw my brother running to the garage to get some tools for the porch they are building at his house. I told my niece, "Look there's your dad running. Yell out at him and say run old man run." Jay, "No. I can't say that." Me, "Why?" Jay, "Cause my daddy is not old." Me, "Your sister isn't old and you called her old lady." Jay,"Ya she is! Old Lady!" Once again she ran off giggling the whole way.

Once that day was over I realized that I was not spending enough time with them. They grow so fast! I was going through some old pictures and happened to come across a picture of them for Halloween in 2011 and I compared it to 2012. BOY is there a big difference. It got me curious so I started going through my laptop and found videos and pictures of when Jay was born. I almost cried. I knew right there and then that I did not want to waste anymore time on being miserable day in and day out, because I can't bare a child of my own. These girls mean the world to me and I want to be a part of their lifes as they get older and grow into beautiful young ladies. (Hopefully not in a blink of an eye). I don't want them to just see me as just another aunt. I want to be known as "thee" aunt lol!

Well I hope everyone enjoys their holidays, I probably won't be updating my blog for awhile. For those of use who are still waiting on our little miracle I ask of you not to lose HOPE.

Lately I have been thinking about 2013 and what it will bring into our lifes. Sometimes I can be optimistic but at times I cannot seem to see what the future holds for me. The thought of never having the ability to bare a child of my own saddens me. Not only because I want this more than anything in this world but because DH is always talking about "when we have our kids". Its every couples' dream isn't it? To see a little mini us running around and seeing/ learning new things everyday. I will try my best to stay hopeful so that I can continue with this journey and send my body positive vibes that we will achieve our dream. I stumbled upon this poem/writing on pinterest and it encouraged me not to quit so soon. Hope you ladies find a piece of motivation/encouragement to stay strong and positive through this journey.

On another note, this weekend Dh & I found out one of his sisters is getting married in 2013. So now we have two weddings to look forward to in the coming year. We were planning to go to California 2xs in 2013. So now we will be going in August for the wedding, which is perfect because its a couple days after my BDAY(=, and hopefully for a holiday. I know it has been tough for DH this year not seeing his family, with that in mind I told him that next year we will go whenever he wants to. He didn't seem to pleased since NEXT YEAR sounds a lifetime away. But when he received the news of his sister getting married his doubtfulness turned into excitement. Another of his sisters that just had a baby girl in October sent us a pic last night. Eventhough I am having such a difficult time with conceiving my feelings towards her new bundle of joy aren't bitter. We used to live with her when we first moved in together. She has a big heart and I grew very fond of her kids, as I can tell they also grew fond of me too.

Until I get my first chance at an IUI. On December 3rd I went in for my HSG test, as I mentioned on another post, and the doctor was unable to get the catheter through my cervix. I couldn't really tell u how many times he tried because he just kept moving it and I felt so uncomfortable. He finally gave up and said I needed to be dialated of this test was ever going to get done...he will send the results to my RE and see how he wants to proceed. They should receive the results in 24hrs were his last words. More than 24 hours have passed and I hadn't heard back from my RE's office. I gave them a call today to see of they have received the results and what was the next step. I explained to the nurse that they were unable to perform the test cause the catheter wouldn't go through. She said she spoke to Dr. M and the other doctor had called him and told him what happened. Dr. M wants me to go in early morning tomorrow so they can dialate me and then send me off to do the HSG again on the same day.

I was speechless to hear that they couldn't just try the treatment and see how it goes. =[ What if my tubes aren't block or anything? What if my IUI works and I don't have to go the extra mile? I know they won't allow it...but that's my personal opinion. I can't afford to do another HSG again this month. Xmas is on the way and there's money to be spent. My insurance only covers 80% of the test and I had to pay $190 at the appt. I can't cough up almost $200 again. So where does that leave us? I have to wait until next cycle to go through the pain of an HSG/ dialation procedure to even start treatment. My cycles are all wonky and I probably won't be doing my first IUI until the ends of February or beginning of March. So much for being pregnant before my brothers wedding.

DH is feeling very sentimental towards my actions lately. He says I have let all this TTC stuff get to me and he doesn't feel like I love him. I try to tell him that I don't mean to be "bitchy" towards him or anyone else...its just hard for me to keep getting bad news. He tries to understand but he says I need to understand I am not the only one suffering. What to do? I can't control my emotions...I just feel worthless at times. Crying doesn't really help me anymore it just frustrates me more that I see my dream vanishing from my reach. I love DH deeply, I dnt want to hurt his feelings I just need him to love me and show it more than ever.

Why is it that the saying of "You don't know what you have until its gone" true? I am ashame to say that I did not realize what she meant to me before she was taken from my life. When I look back and see the efforts she put in to building a bond with me was truly unbelieveable. She had a good heart, darling mother, and a strong person. I can't help wondering why good souls leave this earth before the bad. It is not my place to question why it happened but I do want to write a little about our dearest friends that are now in heaven and looking down on their love ones.

First and foremost, I want to tell you a little about why they were special to me. Delora and David were such an amazing couple. They both shared and loved with equal value two amazing people in this world, their KIDS! (My heartaches when I think of them.) There was not one day that they did not mention their kids or showed us videos or pictures of the things they did. I knew this was a great bond between them and given their age I was surprise of how much they put their kids first. I met David through DH, we all went to the same HS. DH & David knew eachother since they were little kids. I believe they lived in the same neighborhood before David moved. Throughout HS David was one of the few friends of DH that I had great respect for. Now you might wonder why I felt this way...well my reason was simple...he never treated me like just DH's GF, he treated me like his friend. At first I didn't think much of it until years later. Once we graduated our friends went their own ways as so did we. We kept in touch as much as we could but eventually you stop hearing from people. When DH & I decided to get our own place it just happened to be around the time David & Delora moved to the same city. Both DH & David worked the night shift so everyday after work they would hang out in D & D's home. That's where our friendship rekindled. At this point I didnt know Delora, I knew about her but had never seen her. We all hung out one night and after that night David asked me why I didnt reach out to his wife to talk or go somewhere to get to know eachother. I was all for the idea but I never really made the effort. Until, DH & him both asked why I hadnt called her and if it was ok to give her my #. I made excuses not realizing that I was putting it off. The day came that Delora and I had our heart to heart talk....even if I try I will never forget her face with tears. She was very honest with me about everything. When I moved to Texas she stayed with me on the phone while I drove at night. She said she wanted to keep me up until I reached my resting point. All these memories I have of her...bring tears to my eyes.

I still remember the day I found out she was gone. I was sitting at work when I received a text, a TEXT from another friend saying Delora and David had passed away the night before. My eyes began to fill with tears, my chest felt as if someone had punched me, I couldn't breath. I could barely get up from my desk to call DH. He had already received a phone call from another friend telling him what happened. (I would rather get a call than a text, but that's just me personally.) We flew down to California for the funeral. I cried for days on end asking why of all people did they have to be taken from this world. The funeral was hard to bare...when I saw their daughter & son (4 & 2 at the time)I began to cry even more telling DH that it wasn't fair that they got both their parents taken at such a young age. My heartached when I saw the little girl ask her grandfather if she could put flowers on her mom's sleeping bed.

During this hard journey there is not one day that I don't remember Delora. She was the only one that cared enough to ask about my troubles to conceive. She always gave me pep talks that my day would come and our kids would be the best of friends just like there dads. (Trying to collect myself) Now IF my day ever comes will our kids ever meet one day? I told DH that when that day comes that we do get the opportunity to have our own child, I would love more than anything for him to take me to their tomb so I can share the news because they were the only ones who really cared for both of us and werent afraid to show it.

David & Delora you will always be in our hearts and never forgotten.
R.I.P 4/17/11

Oh the joy of trying on dresses and feeling like you are in a fairy tale is quite exquisite. I am not the type to twirl around in dresses or skirts, shorts is the closest I get, I prefer JEANS. (chuckle) Why?! I don't know...I just don't feel comfortable, or it's just that I have extremely white legs. LOL! Anyways, on Saturday I went with my SIL to try on dresses so she can decided on which one is going to be the one since her time is running out. I got to take lots of pictures of the dresses she tried on and gave her my opinion on the dresses. I have to admit I almost cried when she tried on the first dress. The dress was stunning! It gave her such a glow that I was in an awe moment for a while. After she was done it was my turn to try on dresses!! No not wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses. I grabbed a few of the rack and took them back to the dressing room. The lady asked what style of dress I was aiming for and my response was, "FLOWY!" The wedding is going to be in Spring and I don't want something that entirely sticks to my body. I want to be able to feel slightly free. When I was trying on the dresses I couldnt help but think how fun and difficult this was. (As far as making a decision.) If I was having such a hard time I could only imagine what she was feeling inside. All these beautiful dresses and she could only pick one. By the end of the day she came to the realization that she couldn't get the dress that I believed made her GLOW. She settled for another one that was better in price and it was a beautiful dress.

I have to be honest, I haven't gotten married through church so I haven't gone through this emotional rollercoaster of planning a wedding. DH & I talked about it and since our family lives in California we will wait until 2014 to do ours, for the sake of the expense of the guest. I know, I know you are probably thinking "You are not married and you want to have a child?". Yes, yes I do! I am not afraid or ashame to say it. I am proud to say that Dh (yes I call him my husband bc we have been together forever)and I have stayed together for 8 years + because we love each other not because we had kids at such a young age. A lot of people are surprise to hear me say I don't have kids but I am with my HS sweetheart. If that's not true love then what is?

Moving forward...I went for my HSG test yesterday. Saying that I was extremely nervous doesnt do its justice because I was afraid of the pain that people seem to complain about. When I got called in I felt like I was having a panic attack, the nurse explained to me what was going to be done. When the actual doctor came in he explained it in more detailed and began the procedure. I have to admit that it was just uncomfortable but not painful BUT I couldnt really tell you because the catheter wouldn't go through my cervix. Results = FAILED HSG. He told me he couldn't get the catheter to go in there that my cervix was to tight, he was going to send the images to my doctor to see what he wants to do. More than likely I would have to be dialated to get the catheter through but they don't have the proper equipment for that. So could this be the reason for me not getting pregnant? Who knows...he said he didnt want to say that was the reason for me not conceiving cause he didn't have my history. So it left me with the idea that he believed this could be the cause. Now I am here having an emotional toll thinking I will never be a mother and I have to go through more pain to accomplish this dream! I broke down as soon as I walked out of there. DH asked how everything went when I got out, he drove me there, and I just looked at him with tears. I told him I didnt know how much of this I could take and I wasn't strong enough to go through it. He was speechless and said if I had to go through pain that he wouldnt go through treatment because he didnt want to put me through it. At this point I don't know what to think or if I am overthinking it. I am just going to wait for my doctor to call me and tell me the next step and I will make a decision from there.

Do I want to scream at the top of my lungs? No. Do I want to cry my heart out and hide from everyone in this world? YES! For two months now I have been waiting for my IF treatment. Only to find out I have to wait till 2013 because they failed to tell me I needed to do other testing before I even start on medication. ='( I remember the day I called the RE's office letting them know I couldn't do an IUI until the ends of November or beginning of December. One of the nurses told me that was fine whenever I was ready just to give them a call. I asked if I needed to get anything done in the meantime and she said no, they will let me know once treatment is being started.

When I received a call from the nurse telling me that I needed to wait until next cycle to start on medication, I was speechless. I wanted to go home and just go under the covers and fall asleep. I wanted DH to hold me so I can forget about everything. Some people might think I am crazy because its one more cycle I have to wait. Anyone who has had trouble TTC knows a cycle can last a lifetime! Especially if other people around you are talking about their kids or maybe trying for a new one soon. Its like an effin race!! I am the only daughter out of 4 kids. My older brother has a little girl, 2 going on 3, my younger brother got his gf pregnant around the same time my older brother and his fiance found out they were expecting. Unfortunately, my younger brother's gf at the time lost the baby. I never knew the girl because I didn't live in Texas at the time but what I heard she lost the baby because she was on drugs. Which brings me back to...WTF does a girl who does drugs get to be FERTILE but not ME! It's been really hard seeing everyone in my generation have their kids and I'm the one being left out. I get the constant reminder from family when they ask when will they be able to have a baby shower for me. To top it off, since my brother is officially getting married in April of 2013, my SIL told me she wants another baby. That maybe after the wedding they were going to start trying again. With this cycle out I feel like I have 4 months to get pregnant or deal with the heartbreak that I will never be a mother.

I am feeling all kinds of emotions right now. I don't want to become bitter because people are having kids left and right and my dream is still in the works. Starting 2013 I will do things differently. I will not put so much focus on TTC and start putting time and efficiency in what I love to do. I talked to DH about my pipe dreams and he said he supported me 100% if that is what I wanted to do. So 2013 I am cautiously waiting for you to arrive. My aunt & I made a deal to complete everything in our resolutions list for 2013 or we will have to cut off our hair. LOL! Not all of it but a pixie cut. We both have long hair so we agreed that it would motivate us to complete our list and check it twice before 2014 comes around. Let the challenge begin!! I will post my Resolutions list later on for you to see.

My new cycle is finally here as I was impatiently waiting for. Now I wish it was not here because it feels like a cycle wasted. I do not know what to think of my RE's nurses right now. They seem extremely helpful when they want to and other times I feel like I am being shut out. They talk to me like I am well aware of what I am suppose to be doing and when...but then again it always feels like I have to be on their ass to tell me whats next. ITS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE THAT! UGH! The little folder that was given to me with the pricing and plan was sitting in my drawer for such a long time that I forgot about it. Once I pulled it because I knew THIS was the month, all the steps it has in there are not even followed my the nurses. I was told not to worry about whats on the paper they will walk me through it and make sure everything gets done. Well I am on cycle day 5 and I still havent gotten a baseline sonogram or even gotten perscribe anything.

I went on a mission to go to the appointment yesterday and make it back to work. All they did was take bloodwork for E2 & FSH. Once I was done they told me they will call me with the results and if my insurance didnt cover the HSG then they can refer me elsewhere. As I struggled to find a place to have the HSG, I notice its already going to be 3 pm. No phone call. Hmmm...strange. Now past 3:30pm (office is now closed)...ok maybe I will get a call tomorrow morning. I come in to work obssesed to see the results on their site so I can google the results. Everything looks normal and the RN sent me a message stating everything is normal if I had questions to please call them. (Scratching my head) Really?! Aren't you suppose to call and give me my next step. Cause I vaguely recall the doctor telling me an RN will instruct me on when to take my medication. But what medication I wasnt perscribe one. I am tired of this journey that feels like it has just begun. All my hormones came back fine...like last time. So why is it that I have polycystic ovaries...why can't I just conceive already and not wait on some random nurse to tell me what to do.

Now I wonder if I should let this cycle go and next month start all over. Maybe its the holidays that is driving the crazy with so many people in such a period of time. When I was there yesterday around 8:50am, there was more than enough patients there. GUESS WHAT??!! I looked like the youngest one there, which explains all the stares. It was the most uncomfortable feeling ever that I pretended to use my phone.

(Taking a deep breath)

Ok. Now that I have vented a bit. I can move on and go with the flow and see what happens. DH isnt very thrilled with whats going on. HAHA! He keeps telling me to call and tell them they are messing up the flow and he doesn't like it. Its kinda cute to see him get all worked up. Seems so strange that 2012 flew by and 2013 is almost here. Now that I see that our treatment isnt working out on how I planned, I want to tell DH that he can go to California for the holidays to see his family. He decided on not going because his presence was required. In 2011 we went to California at least 3 or 4 times. In 2012 = NONE. I know he is homesick and he will never get tired of saying he doesn't like Texas, HECK! I sometimes get homesick. This is truly something I need to sit down and talk to him about. Maybe seeing his family is what he needs.

Well I got to admit that my days have been going so slow lately. I begin to wonder if I am just impatient now a days. Could that be or am I just impatiently waiting on our IF treatment? Whatever it is...it's all I seem to think about.

With the holidays approaching I want to surround myself with beautiful decorations. Unfortunately, this year its going to be impossible. I will have to compromise with the decorations I currently have. DH's job is cutting back his hours and it scares me that we wont be able to make it. He doesn't seem to worry but then again he doesn't see what I see in our list of bills. I feel horrible that I am so BITCHY lately. One worry leads to another and it gets me so worked up that stress builds up inside of me. Just the thought of my body being so stressed out during treatment makes me want to cry. (Silently thinking).


Yesterday...I was driving home and traffic is always a pain @ 5 o'clock. We come to a complete stop and BOOM someone slams into the back of the truck. I thought slow-mo only happened in movies bc they want you to see the impact. That's not the case, I felt my body and everything inside the truck just slowly move forward and then hit and make a horrible sound. I immediately begin to sob like a child. I froze and didn't know how to react...my body was shaking and tears started flowing down my cheeks. It was like my body was reacting before my brain could. It took me a while to get off the vehicle. I immediately called DH asking him what I should do. While I was sobbing uncontrollably a light bulb turned on and I hung up and called my insurance. (Keep in mind I was still crying) J picked up right away and I couldn't even speak in a comprehendingly way. She was so sweet did not inturrupt me at all and told me what to do. This part got me laughing afterwards...before she hung up she says, "I'm sorry sweetie, you were crying and I couldn't even ask what your last name was so I can pull up your vehicle info." It gave me a good chuckle and brought me back to reality so I became aware of my surroundings. She is right to say I have something to be very thankful for this thankgiving. I am ALIVE and it wasn't as bad as it felt.

As much as I complain for driving DH's truck to work, I am thankful that I wasn't in my compact car. I think it would have been so much worst. Four day weekend I am ready for you to come sweep me off my delicate feet!!

On a positive note...it seems like most of my cyber buddies are getting their BFP. Wish you all the best and a healthy 9 months. Don't let worry take over your happiness, remember think happy thoughts so you can send good vibes to you and the baby.

Sorry for being MIA but there's really nothing to update on. Last week on Thursday I went into my RE's office to get the Rubella vaccine. It was a long day...I had to go in and do a HCG test to confirm I wasnt pregnant, run to a hospitals pharmacy down the street and pick up the vaccine, wait for the nurse's call to let me know I can go in and get the vaccine. I patiently sat there reading a book on my Kindle Fire and about an hour later she calls. (An hour in total while I was running the errands so it felt like less). I got the vaccine and ran to CVS to drop off my prescription for BC.

They were extremely busy and I didnt want to wait 2 hours, so I left and the following day I picked it up. Now I remember why I only took BC for a month when I was a teenager. My body does not mesh well with BC hormones...the only reason I agreed to take it is because it will make my cycle exactly 28 days and we can start our first IUI sooner! We wont have to worry about going in during the holidays so it fits perfectly. Counting the days till my next cycle!! Everything seems to be falling into place. My internship will end 3 days before my new cycle and I will get out earlier. I asked for some days off and they got approved but I dont know if those days are the ones I need, I just took a guess. Crossing my fingers that they are. My manager processed the paperwork for me to get approval to miss work for my treatment whenever I needed to...so I am just waiting on the paperwork.

Although I am excited I am also a bit worried. Who wants to have a failed IUI during the holidays? Knowning that our first IUI has a 50/50 chance of not being succesful scares me. I dont want to be depress during the holidays. DH and I already discussed holding off on telling anyone if it happens because I dont want to go through the turnmoil of telling everyone if it wasnt a sticky bean. I am even considering not to tell my MOTHER! She has been a great support during this journey. She is the only one in my family that knows I went to an RE and the results. Dh's family has no idea what is going on. I feel like since he has mostly sisters and they all have kids they wouldnt understand. My MIL and I have only touched the subject on us TTC and she didnt seem supportive. Once I opened up to everyone in his family about our struggles on TTC she seemed a bit more into the idea. But I cant say 100% cause I havent touched the subject with her again. Maybe after having so many grandson and granddaughters you lose interest in it? Is that possible? IDK if I have mentioned it before but DH has a total of 16 nieces/nephews. The youngest one was just born, in October 13th, I believe. Beautiful baby girl! I am truly happy for his sister, BUT, there's always a BUT...I wish that was me!!

It has been a long cycle this time around. Although length wise its been about the same...it just feels different. I have been experiencing a lot of cramps, those sudden pains that makes me grab my stomach and crouch down until it passes. DH keeps saying its AF on its way which I couldnt agree more but it just felt too soon to have these many cramps. Around 9DPO or 10DPO I got the same feeling i get when AF is around the corner. I go to the restroom a lot, i was extremely bloated, cramps, tender breast , etc. It even led me to take a HPT but it was -, DH even asked why I had taken it ( i try to stay away from testing because I dont want to feel disappointed).

Now 13DPO my temps went down and I am getting the same exact feeling again. I asked for permission to go to the DRs to get my rubella vaccine, I had told them either Wednesday or Thursday, and now I am feeling like I wont even make it past tomorrow. I hope I do! That would totally suck if I dont!

On Saturday afternoon we decided to go out and eat to get distracted. While we were there everything was going swell until I heard a baby giggle. I couldnt see the baby but just the cute sound it was making made me get a shiver down my spine. It made me wonder and ask DH why he didnt get the same reaction. Is it because men arent the ones who have that maternal instinct? Who knbut he said I was letting this whole TTC journey get the best of me. I needed to relax because our time will come regardless if its natural or not.

My brothers wedding is approaching and I will be the maid of honor. There's all this wedding talk that all I can think about is how I would look like in the bridesmaid dress if I was pregnant. I did mention that to DH and he smiled and said hopefully by then you are pregnant.

You know family sometimes seems to be oblivious of other peoples feelings. I know they dont do things on purpose but to me it comes off as insensitive. Long story short: My cousin is in LALALand with this boy and one day she happened to mention to her mother that he had told her he went to the doctors and he had some sort of condition. She said she couldnt remember what it was but that she didnt care because regardless she would be with him. Now she has been telling everyone that she wants to be a mother. So her mom lashes out at her telling her what do u mean you dont know. You have to know what he has, what if he cant give you any children? What are you going to do then? I didnt know if I should run and hide at that point giving that WE hadnt been able to conceive. So I decided to walk away and collect myself before I broke down in tears.

Sorry for being all over the place but I am just trying to recollect myself and move forward. Still looking foward to December to go through our first IUI and hope for the best.

****UPDATE ****
I just got news that I did not get the position the other intern did just how I had suspected. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I began to feel relieved that this news was over the phone and not it person. I can't even comprehend on why I cried if I knew this was coming. She tried to reassure me my interviews went fine and it was a tough choice but I really didn't want to hear it. I got so emotional that I wanted to just go home and bury my face in comfort food. Some hot cocoa perhaps...the weather is quite perfect right now for that. I guess this got to me more tban I expected because I can't get pregnant and I thought maybe there is something I can actually have control of. And boom that didn't go so well...what a failure!! AF just show your ugly face so I can get this cycle over with.

So long story short...the department I am doing an internship for opened a position up. Although it is not what I am interning for its still within the department. I considered applying and then became undecided. After thinking it over and ran every possible outcome of this opportunity I decided to apply. Then BOOM! they drop the biggest bomp on me. The position was opened to another site (which happens to be the site where the other intern is at and he happens to be interning for the exact depart. they are hiring for). I was a bit sad in regards to this because I personally think he has an advantage over me bc he is already being trained in that field and is working near the hiring manager. I couldnt even get an interview...but turns out ppl spoke up and wanted me to get an interview so I was given the opportunity. Deep down in my heart I know that I am not in the advantage of getting the positon but I'm a bit content with the fact that at least theyre taking the time to interview me.

A part of me wants to cry! I will not allow myself to though, I will hold my head high and think of my future. With this experience I can look to further my career somewhere else. And to be honest as much as it saddens me I want a BABY WAY MORE! Thinking that December is almost in reach gives me some type of JOY. I keep randomly telling DH that I am extremely excited and that if I do end up getting our BFP in December that I would be do in the same month as my Bday which would be awesome! Well for me it would he isn't very fond of it...He says another LEO in the house is not needed. HAHA!

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up thinking that the first time around it might work but if I dont have hope what do I have? This weekend we got news that my Sis N Law just gave birth about a week ago. I was happy and the thought of me being there one day seemed a million years away. This will be DH's 16 niece/nephew! So every time they see us the question arises of when are we going to have our own. I expressed to DH that I dont reach out to his family often bc of this. He said I should just tell them that we found out what the issue is and we appreciate if they just dont keep asking. I am not that type of person...BUT i do want to scream out that they need to stop worrying about us and focus on themselves.

On another note, FF was incorrect. I did not O on CD21..I O on CD22 which is awesome bc we timed intercourse perfectly! I am currently 6DPO and I have been experiencing cramping, I dont want to think to much of it, I just couldnt help to think that it is to early for me to get AF like cramps. Only time will tell...

So it looks like I had a slow rise but it shot up at 2DPO. Which is unusual for me but then again I have been taking my temparature later since my schedule changed. We will see how this month turns out, I want to be hopeful but a part of me knows it might be just another cycle.

I have been turning the idea of waiting to do any treatment in the beginning of next year. The reason for that is because I couldn't find a place to get the rubella vaccine so I would have to get it this coming cycle and wait until December's cycle for any treatment. Why wait? Well...December is a really busy month in the business world. People are trying to get holidays off, some even the whole month off, that its just impossible to get the time approved during that time of year.

I spoke with DH of the possibility of waiting and he wasn't very fond of the idea. He seemed a bit upset and I can't blame him because I have had a difficult time convincing myself that it's for the best. Given that I only have 2 1/2 more days of sick time and I can't get a guarantee that I would be able to use vacation time during that time of month. After seeing how sadden it got him I decided to talk to my manager about it and see what can be done. (She is aware of my struggle and completely understands my situation). Surprisingly she happened to reach out to me today ( I haven't really seen her since I am doing my internship and its in a different blg) I was glad to hear from her and decided to just put all the cards in the table. She isnt aware that I have actually went to go see a specialist. I explained my dilemma and what she thought about me continuing with it or waiting until the beginning of next year. She expressed the same concerns that I had and said she couldnt guarantee that I would get the days off. My heart just sank and I felt like I had to wait a million years to begin this infertile treatment.

Within minutes she reached out to me again and said "You can try calling DMS and see if they would cover you under FMLA so u have that guaranteed timeoff" (I was smiling at this point). Sure enough I called the # she gave me for them and they said "Oh yes **** does cover Fertility treatment under FMLA." I was sooooo thrilled beyond what words can explain!

I can honestly now say that my job kicks ass. HAHAHA! They do have the best interest in their employees and I am proud to work for such a wonderful company.

Yesterday I got a positive OPK and it seems to be a trend now. Last three months I have been ovulating around CD22 & 23. I am happy that my cycles have been within 36-38 days now...but ovulating that late lessen my chances of conceiving. At least that's what my doctor is stating. He believes that me having polycystic ovaries is the reason I am ovulating late which the egg can't implant because my lining is old.

Since I got my positive OPK I decided to do castor oil, since i had just received it, before I actually ovulated. Now I feel bloated and I can feel my ovaries and uterus tingle and crampy. I hope I didnt mess anything up! I have never felt this way when I have ovulated. Only tomorrow will tell if my temp shoots up (praying that it does). Dh & I are still trying to find a way to BD during the week since our schedule dont really mesh great together. Another thing to stress about.

Where we all seem to lose our mind. I've been pretty distracted lately with my internship. All of a sudden I feel that my mind is overanalyzing the simplest things. Maybe its the new people around me that asked me if I have kids. Or the fact that they talk about their kids and the funny things they do.

A part of me doesn't want to lose hope that one day I will be the one sharing memories of my little ones. But I feel like a bouquet of roses slowly dying and no one seems to want to nourish them. Lately I've been researching a lot about PCOS and the more I read the helpless I become. I tried to talk to DH about this and how I dont feel like I can go through this alone.

Little did I know that his mind was completely absent during our RE appt. Either that or he has memory loss. He said nothing was wrong with me and that I was overreacting. I had sent him links relating to Husbands supporting their wives with PCOS to help them over come some of the nasty effects. HA! The man didnt even look at them and then tried to say there was nothing wrong with me that I dont have a diseas or anything. Let's just say the rest of our conversation didnt end well. I dont blame him for not trying to understand if he rarely goes to the doctors concerning his own health.

I have to be real here...the reason I started feeling down is because the holidays are coming up and birthdays. So I went to the store with my mother to shop for my nieces gifts ahead of time so we can save some dinero. Well she started looking through the kids clothing that require you to pass through the baby clothing. I couldnt help but look at them and imagine my future kids wearing it. It made my mind go in swirls asking what if questions. The thought pains me! Ugh!

Last but not least... I called my RE office to get more prenatal vitamins since they gave me boxes of samples to see if I liked them. Well I had to leave a voicemail and they called me back like within 10-15 minutes. The nurse was being very smart assy...it bothered me that she would have that tone with me. How am I suppose to know that you have 10-15 types of Prenatal Vitamins and you have no idea which ones you gave me. I felt so dumb that she was telling me those things when I am not the one that works there...I dont have this insight like you do...back off! AND DONT CALL ME SWEETIE IT MAKES ME FEEL BELITTLED. Geez! I know I look young and my voice doesnt seem to help with that either but don't judge me I am smarter than it seems.

P.S I really dont mind people using the words : Sweetie, hunny, etc. but after she belittled me it stirred something up inside of me.

I know I haven't written in a while but there's really nothing going on. I've been searching up and down for clinics, pharmacies, & even my Obgyn to give me the Rubella shot and no one seems to know what it is or they dont have it. I am just going to wait it out and go to my RE next cycle and have them give it to me so we can start treatment in December's cycle. Crossing my fingers that my cycles do not delay more than their usual. Went to GNC for a new bottle of Vitex and they were all out, so as of right now just drinking my Fertitea and Maca pills.

On the brighter note, I am loving my internship and do not regret starting it even though it caused for my treatment to be postponed. Now that we know what the problem is and that we are going to get helped I am more at ease knowning that when the time is right we can go get "assistance" and my insurance will cover it. It still hasn't been easy to see other people with their kids. Although, I have came to the realization that it is life and I cannot avoid these things. Just embrace life as is and give thanks to God for what I do have.

I think its really neat that the fertility clinic I go to has there own site I can pull up my own lab results whenever I want. I realize they update it pretty quickly because I curiously logged in there after the nurse had called and gave me the results for my prog test and hcg, also DH's SA, I was thrilled to see that I was able to see what she just relayed over to me. So since yesterday I've been logging on to see if tht other lab results came in yet. Waaala! They magically appeared today 2hrs before I had to leave work and wondered why a nurse hadn't called and explained to me the results. As impatient as I am being now that I want to know more I googled every little thing to see if it was normal. From what I could pull up everything look good and I casually told myself if it was bad they would have called me by now.

Exactly two hours after I had gotten home the lovely nurse calls me and says,"Hi Sweetie! Just wanted to let you know all your results came back wonderful." I was so ready to do my happy dance when she says," Oh wait, there is one thing. We tested you for the rubella virus and you are not immune to it. We do have to give you the vaccine. Just come in when you get your period, we will test you for pregnancy just to be cautious and give you the vaccine. And you absolutely cannot get pregnant within the 28 days after the vaccine. We will put you on birth control for 28 days then we can begin treatment." WHAT!!? Birth control was all that was going through my head but I couldn't say it I just said "ok" like a speechless child being told I had to do something I didn't want to do. Is birth control necessary I mean I haven't gotten pregnant for 5 years!!! Even that I can take precautions just to be safe that I don't accidentally get pregnant when I'm not suppose to. Lol! Ok that just sounds ridiculous I will stop.

I don't know why it bothers me so much that this happened if I wasn't going to be able to go in for treatment until after my internship had ended in November. But the agony of knowing I will be taking BC bothers me. Either I have to suck it up or ask if I can avoid BC and use protection instead.

Friday was our appt with DR JM. He was very straightforward and explained everything in detail. DH liked the way he worked, although he didn't have any expression on his face, I guess it was for the best specially in this type of situation. I dont know how I would have felt if he was trying to be sympathetic when he said I have polycystic ovaries. When we got to our appt I felt like the enviorment was relaxing and the wait time was wonderful, well for existing patients. Ofcourse we had to fill out some paperwork and the nurse had to take my picture to go in my file. After waiting to be called in we met with a nurse that asked us a couple questions to confirm what we had previously answered to get a better understanding. After she left DR JM came in and had a chat with us about our TTC journey. When he asked how long have we been trying and I told him 2 yrs but plus 3 yrs NTNP= 5yrs. He immediately said something might be causing the problem and I took a good direction coming in since previous DRs didnt seem to concern with my irregular cycles. We went off to do an U/S and as I predicted I had already ovulated and was 5 DPO. I had ovulated from my left ovary, and there was 15+ follicles including the one that was released. On my right ovary there was 10+ and my lining was 11mm. During the u/s he explained everything in detailed, after the u/s he explained to me that I have polycystic ovaries and that it could be the cause of me not conceiving yet. He stated that my ovaries produce more than enough eggs, he paused for a minute and asked if i had taken any fertility meds of course i had not, and then he continued saying that those eggs were not maturing. He stated the way this is treated is with BCP but since I am trying to conceive I would have to be put on Clomid and they would have to monitor me and then perform and IUI. I had to do the fertility panel bloodwork and also schedule a Hysterosalpingogram to check if my tubes were blocked since I am ovulating. DH had his SA and the results were given to us that same day as well as my progest test. DH's SA came back fine and my progest came back at 27. My other bloodwork will be ready today. Although we are both relieved to know some answers it saddens me because I wont be able to start any treatment until November. I guess we would just have to wait until then and try naturally and I will certainly continue to take my Maca and Vitex to control my irregular cycles.

Yesterday was an intense day for me. I didnt even want to work out after I woke up from my nap. The first thing i saw when i woke was my DH's message saying he was working a 3rd shift starting next week. Since the agitation didn't go away I decided to read to distract myself. When DH got home all I can do is hug him and fight the tears from coming. He wasnt pleased with the news and said all he can do is work that schedule for awhile and start looking elsewhere. Although that seems an eternity to me I would have to wait and see what happens. We agreed that we wouldnt cancel the RE appointment we have next week. He will have the mornings to go with me if we need to go back periodically. I am allowing myself to feel some kind of hope back into our TTC journey. Dh and I started doing the Insanity work out. I figured if I wasn't getting pregnant might as well take a chance on something I can control. Let me tell you how out of shape I am that after 4 days we gave it a rest since the weekend came around. I knew I shouldnt of stopped because I would never go back to it. Ugh! but seeing that scale flash back at me, letting me know I had gained 5 pounds instead of losing them, I became devastated. So I started back up again hoping that maybe losing some weight would help with my irregular cycles. I am not overweight for my height but toning up my body a bit wouldnt hurt either. Can't wait for RE appointment to find out what is going on!! Wont be writing till then too.

I feel like my heart has been taken out and left there right in front of me, just for so I can see that it will be forever damaged. Here I am thinking I shouldn't blog to get myself back together before I write things I myself wouldn't want to look back and read. But who was I fooling!!! I have bottled up so much inside that the last thing that was thrown my way bursted out of me so drastically. I HATE MY DH'S JOB! I DESPISE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS BOSSES!! How could they do this to us, I feel like they are purposely trying to set off a ticking bomb in our relationship. It's probably wrong of me to lash out and blame them for this, but seeing my biggest dream vanish into thin air is the bit I can do. Long story short: My DH had refused a promotion about 4 or 5 months ago because they were so reluctant on moving him to a night shift schedule. Hence, we would never get to see eachother. He explained to them that we were trying to have a family and the schedule was just not going to work at this point of time. It was so hard for him to be honest about why he couldn't take the position. And blam just like that! They gave the position to someone else not willing to work with him on the schedule. And guess what??? That person they promoted got to stay in the morning shift. Now they trained him for another position and told him that they needed him to go to a 2nd shift schedule. We were thinking ok fine the latest he'll be home is after 9. One week, not even, 3 days before he gets his schedule changed, they happen to mention to him he will be working the 3rd shift. >o< Our RE appt is next week. At this point I don't know what to make of this. Besides asking myself, "What's the point NOW?" I will never see him again maybe an hour IF I'm lucky. I work an early shift and have to be at work by 5:15 am. I'm better off canceling the appt next week instead of setting myself up for depression.

To be optimistic or not? Coming from a Hispanic background we have a lot of "believes". My family just came back from Mexico and to my surprise I was bombarded with the question, "Are you pregnant?" I was stunned by their precision of being so sure or at least a bit hopeful that I was. Long story short...my aunt, cousin, and my Mother all had dreams on the same night that they were holding a baby. Both my mom and aunt saw a baby boy but my cousin said she saw a baby girl. My mother confessed that it wasn't the first time that she dreamed about this little boy. She said it made her think of when she kept dreaming of this little girl she never had seen in her life...yet she seemed familiar. She had a couple dreams until they went off to visit my brother in California. My sister in law was pregnant and miraculous she did have a baby girl that looks exactly like my brother. With this in mind I started to feel very optimistic and VERY hopeful. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up just yet BUT since I did manage to schedule an RE appointment I feel more relaxed. Especially since my appt will be around the time I ovulate or already ovulated. Either or I just want a diagnosis to get the problem fixed. As for now, I will continue taking my herbs: Vitex & Maca Root & some royal jelly.

After scheduling an appointment with an RE I thought I would be more calm on finally getting the help we need. At first I was (on Friday), then Saturday came around and I was delighted until mid afternoon. Looking back i feel horrible and I wish I could change my actions but all I can do is learn from it and move on. I've always heard that infertility can tear relationships apart. I just honestly never thought it would happen to me. Somewhere down this long journey i made this fantasy that we will overcome this and become stronger. Now I’m starting to question if I’m causing more harm than good, or my sensitivity has increased throughout the years. Is it wrong to feel like your dream is being wash down the drain when you see your significant other drinking? Is it harsh to express yourself when you know that he is just trying to distress himself and have a little fun? Have I just become less fun and cruel because this TTC journey is taking a toll on me? So many questions that I cant answer. I wish I could just be a rational person and tell myself that we are doing the right thing to get help and we will soon know what the issue is.

After arguing with DH and ruining his Saturday night I felt horrible. The next day we tried to avoid each other, NOT because we were still mad with one another but we tend to give each other space to think over what happened and be in a more rational place. No words were spoken, it took one look for him to just hold me and comfort me. As if he was trying to tell me I understand what your going through. I don't know if this outburst was because my new cycle had started that same day that it got me depress or I've piled it up so much that I took it out on him. We both agree that after we see the RE we were going to give it our 100% and if it doesn’t happen we will move on and continue with our life’s. I really hope I can find the tranquility during this journey of trying to start our family.

After hours and days of contemplating if I should begin my own blog I finally came to the conclusion that it wasn’t IF I wanted to, it was the fact that I needed to. It is time to speak, or in this case, write out what I am feeling inside. I can’t keep bottling up my emotions because I feel like no one understands what I am going through. Yes my family and some friends are aware of our current struggle on trying to conceive. BUT that alone doesn’t stop them from always asking “Are you pregnant yet?” “Time is ticking, when are you guys going to begin having kids?” “Don’t you want kids?” etc. Um… HELLO! If we happen to mention that we are ready to start our family, hence, we are trying. Do I choose to be open about my current situation? I can honestly say no. I don’t feel comfortable talking to people that keep telling me that it will happen when we least expect it. I am not a very direct person, well, not with most people. But I should sarcastically ask them so from your expert opinion what do you think happened in the last four years? I mean we weren’t trying but we surely did not use any protection.

Sorry I just had to vent a little.

My birthday just passed two days ago and it made me realize that my life is slowly developing into something wonderful. DH and I had a lovely conversation during my birthday dinner and we stared at each other and said, "You know what? Although we haven't been able to have kids I like how our life has turned out to be." We both realize that we are High School Sweethearts that stayed together through the bumps on the road NOT because we had kids but b/c our love for one another has grown each day. We are in a good place, better than most people we graduated with. And I can smile and say when God wants to give us our bundle of joy(s); we would be more than ready!

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller